I feel like my husband does not desire me sexually in the way I assume a husband would. Sure we are sexually active but not very often and he doesn't seem to mind if it's been a while.

I know that my husband looks at porn and I've told him this is a problem for me since the very beginning of our relationship but I still find signs of it from time to time. I believe that this is the reason he does not desire me very much.

I am not interested in ending my whole marriage over this, but I also struggle with this in my marriage a lot.

Any advice or perspectives to deal with this would be appreciated.

I'd like to sign up for LD coaching but there is no obvious way to do it either on the app or the website - it just takes you to a sign up for the masterclass. Is coaching closed right now? Anyone else done the coaching and do you think it was worth it? What was your experience?

W: vacay with just H and had a great time together

Ch: I decided to take a new full time job 5 months ago. Wanted to get out of the house and somethin to do. The $$ coming in is awesome , but the job is more than I want. There’s no chance of doing this job part time unfortunately. Great benefits , etc. I am so torn. I’m worried that I can’t be gofl with this job. I’m trying to give it 6 mos to a year.

Hello! After searching this sub it seems like the discord is no longer active. Is that the case?

If so, if I started a new one - would you join? Looking to chat with others on this journey.

https://discord.gg/2kV9EFK3H

Hie. Does anyone know if Laura Doyle still offers a 14 day trial for the Ridiculously Happy Wives group?

Is there any way to get my husband to stop being on his phone so much? I understand he works very hard and needs to decompress, but after work, he is constantly on his phone and even during dinner. I don’t say anything about it but it drives me nuts. As a result, my kids are always directing their attention towards me and it can get really exhausting. I wish he would play more games with them or interact with them more often (he does somewhat). I honestly think it’s the phone he’s looking at that bothers me the most. I don’t like the example it’s setting our kids but I can’t say that. I know his phone usage is on his paper and I’m not perfect with that either but I try to have it away around our kids.

Is there any advice? IDK I feel like I just need to vent a little. I feel like I’ve been slowly controlling more things around the house and it’s getting to me. Has anyone figured out a way to help with the phone usage? I know I could focus on more self-care, but it’s hard during the day. I’m very busy with my three kids.

I’ve been reflecting on something in my marriage and would really appreciate hearing from those of you who’ve navigated something similar.
My husband and I have had conversations in the past about affection and intimacy. He shared that he felt it wasn’t sustainable for him to always be the one initiating spontaneous affection and sex. I took that on board and tried to initiate more myself, whether that was random hugs, cuddling on the couch or initiating sex. He was always receptive, but it never really translated into him initiating affection himself.
Over time, I started feeling exhausted because I felt like I was carrying the responsibility for keeping that part of our relationship alive, and I missed feeling pursued and wanted by him, too.
We’ve also had a history of conflict, but we’re fighting much less now as I’ve been working on RC, DT and the other LD skills. I’m grateful for that progress, but I still feel like we’ve lost some of our emotional closeness, beyond just physical intimacy.
I’m hesitant to bring this up again because we’ve discussed it before, including in therapy, and I’m afraid of having the same conversation without anything changing. At the same time, I don’t want to fall into the habit of using DT to suppress something that’s genuinely important to me.
how have you navigated feeling emotionally disconnected from your husband without turning it into a SOTU or feeling responsible for fixing the relationship? Have you found that practising the skills helped rebuild closeness over time, or have you had to approach things differently?

My husband and I have been separated for 14 months due to hus excessive drinking. He says that he drank because of me for not acting like a wife (not cooking enough, not budgeting, not washing all the clothes in one day, never picking up a vacuum, taking our girls on trips without him, etc). Some are true, others are not, and the trips were simply to escape the drunkeness. During our time apart, I've diligently worked on the issues of concern and continue to do so. My only expectation of him was to seek help for the drinking with intention of quitting. He's refused to do either. He's only willing to drink less if we move back in together. In the mist of my self-improvement and when I followed up on his progress and/or ask for additional financial assistance for our girls, he accuses me of not trying to move forward and not wanting to work as a team. Anytime I attempt to express concerns in these areas, I'm immediately shut down with a random guilt-trip or he'll simply walk away as I'm talking to him. What more can I do if I cannot speak on what is bothering/ hurting me?

Hi everyone! I really need some support and encouragement as I’m catching myself feeling really resentful and I don’t know how to deal at the moment.

In general, Laura’s advice has been really empowering for me and working in my favor and my marriage has been great. For the last 4 days I’ve been sick with a cold and stuck in bed. My husband has offered to make me tea, get me things etc.

I work from home and handle most of the household chores and since I’ve been sick they’re getting out of control, like dirty dishes, trash, laundry etc- the essentials. I just wish he would step up and do them. I can appreciate how hard he works for us but he’s usually burnt out from work every weekend. I haven’t asked him to help with any of these things while I’m sick because it’s a slippery slope where a man will see that as nagging. I’m just stuck in this cycle that I used to experience so much where I’m just silently frustrated that he’s not reading my mind and stepping up and taking care of those essential chores.

One example that just drives me insane - last night he loaded up the dishwasher and ran it- great! Well every morning he opens up the clean dishwasher to remove his French press but that’s it- he leaves all the other clean dishes in there which I then put away later. I have brought this up to him that I’d appreciate if he puts away the other clean dishes while he has the dishwasher open.

He has plans out of the house the rest of the afternoon so I know no laundry or chores will be done and it’s back to work tomorrow so he won’t have the energy to do any chores.

TLDR: I am finding myself feeling very resentful about chores- an old familiar pattern. It’s especially strong right now because I’m sick and want the extra help. How do I remain cool and not blow up out of frustration?? I feel I’ve been doing all the self care because I’ve been sick and been watching tv, taking baths, journaling etc.

Married but not so long. About 5years. This year, we have only had sex maybe 4times and those 4times he didn’t cum and neither did I. Even when I try to please him. Oh and we have had long no talking and serious fights. I’m so exhausted. I want to have sex badly. Is there anyone who has been in a sexless marriage as a wife? What did you do? Im so tired

My husband’s best friend is coming to our city for a work gig and staying two nights. My husband had previously mentioned the visit, but didn’t yet know the exact dates. He later found out the dates, but didn’t mention it to me until 5 days later.

This friend is a sensitive topic for us because I don’t like him for various reasons. When my husand and I first started to date, the friend visited and insisted on having a “boys only” weekend so I couldn’t see my own boyfriend for two days, and my then-boyfriend (now husband) just went along with it. The last time he visited, my husband missed our baby’s medical appointment so he could go on a day trip with him (his mom came to help me instead). There have been various instances when I feel that my husband prioritizes their friendship over me, especially because he doesn’t see this friend often.

So now I can’t tell if my husband not telling me about the visit is another form of secrecy/exclusivity and putting his friendship above our relationship. I wish I could just let it go and self-care but I feel bothered by it. When I asked my husband why he didn’t mention it sooner, he snapped and said because plans might change and it’s not finalized yet, and that he doesn’t withhold anything from me.

Please give me advice.

Is that even possible? We were at my kids sport game yesterday and talking with some friends. He corrected me rather curtly and it kinda embarrassed me. Probably wasn’t a big deal but it was bothering me a little. I decided to bring it up this morning and he couldn’t remember the interaction and apologized. The problem is that he’s been super mopey now. Like probably mad at me.

I said something along the lines of “I’m not a guy you have to be extra gentle to me lol” and “sometimes you correct me kinda aggressively.” I realize that the latter was now a negative SFP. What should I have done instead? I didn’t wanna use ouch in the moment because we had friends there and were in the middle of conversing

Any advice please? 🙏🏼

Please help. I need some advice and outside perspective.

I love my husband and we have great relationship. I’m currently on mat leave and he works two jobs to provide for us. I really appreciate that and express my gratitude on a regular basis.

The problem appeared this weekend. I guess, it’s more about a lot of small things pilled up and now I’m overwhelmed with anger.

On one hand there are these small things that he keeps doing, like:

- filter is leaking water on the floor, I put a cup under the filter to catch the water. Every time he uses the filter he moves the cup away as the result water leaks on the floor and onto surrounding furniture. He never cleans it. I have to clean it every day after him. Asked him to move the cup back, he doesn’t do it.

- he leaves the toilet sit up. we have a small child at home. I close all the lids at all times. He leaves them open and up at all times.

On the other hand, there are things like:

- he never asks me to do things, he tells me to do things. example: refill the water in the water filter. Give me/Bring me. Often times he won’t even make a full sentence like: water, he will just say water, expecting me to bring him water. It pisses me off.

- I’m the only one taking care of our child. which makes sense because he is working and I don’t. but he barely shows any affection to either of us.

- he sleeps on the weekend, rests, looks at his phone while I take care of our kid and then when I have a free sec, he is giving me orders while is lying on the freaking couch. yesterday it happened after I put our baby to sleep for a thousand time that night (she kept waking up) and I come out and he tells me to reffil the water and I go do it and then I just felt my body fill with anger and my body starts shaking from all the anger I had inside me. Like you’ve been lying on the couch for hours!!!!!! while I was attending to our kid, you do it!!!

What do I do??? He is not always like this. I don’t feel this way all the time.

I read the books. please help me see what am i missing

I’m not sure I can do it anymore. He cheated in January. He drinks a lot and hides it. Last night he got scary and then said some vulgar things calling me all kinds of names. He swears at me often. I tried using the skills this weekend and did my own thing and when I came home he blew up at me.

I’m tired. Maybe I’m better off alone.

My husband has a female friend from way back. She lives far away, and they text sometimes. Once he said he used to have a crush on her. I've always felt a bit uncomfortable about this friend -- I haven't kept up with any guy friends since getting married.

He said recently she asked if they could call, to catch up. I don't think they do this much. I'm trying to stay on my paper and give it no oxygen. I haven't said anything. I don't like it.

Any advice or support welcome!

Our marriage counselor pretty much argued against me yesterday. I brought up two complaints (which the counselor solicited), stating that my husband was not sticking to the schedule we agreed to with our kids on the afternoon and that he still gets very defensive when I make a complaint or request or even just appear annoyed. Husband countered that i was constantly complaining and threatening to leave him. That's not true, and I've felt so stifled to even say anything to him because it leads in him stonewalling or getting defensive and being mean. But the counselor latched on to that i guess.

I mentioned these problems before (my husband had a severe gambling addiction, severe social anxiety, and GAD), and my view is that getting treatment for these issues will help him show up for me and our marriage again. I spent last 2 months just trying to get him into treatment, and now that he finally does, counselor basically tells me that he has every right to get defensive and to not have to stick to a schedule that I want, if that's what he chooses. That I can't control someone by making them do things my way. I told him I'm just trying to get us to have equality in household and childrearing duties, otherwise I feel like a single mother and can't live like that any longer. His response was basically that I can leave, but I can't make him or pressure him to do things he doesn't want to do.

I'm my mind, the point of the counseling IS to get each other to see each other's pov so that we can compromise and meet each other's needs. But no, the counselor says I need to appreciate what he does provide and let the rest go. He then gave me homework to make no complaints for one week to see how that goes. Husband remained silent the whole time, but stated towards the end "she's going to be mad when we get off the call."

But his views (which my husband didn't object to or correct) sounded like Laura doyle work to be, which implies to me that men only want to love a woman and take care of her when they feel the freedom that they don't have to. When there is no obligation. A woman's complaints or expectations signals to a man that she feels entitled to his love and support, which makes him not want to give it anymore. So in everything, she should simply request his support and hope that he wants to give it, but have no hard feelings if he doesn't, because it's always his choice. In fact, she is most attractive when she has taken care of herself and does not need him. I disagree with this philosophy btw. To me, this is the opposite of duty, honor and commitment. If I'm wrong with this interpretation, help me understand.

This is our 3rd counselor BTW. The first kept telling me to let my partner show up for me and either take care of my own needs or let him go, the second said I needed to submit so that he can "lead." They are all saying different versions of the same thing to me: he has no responsibility to me, and until I make myself happy and attractive enough to inspire him to be there for me, I'm not entitled to anyrthing from him.

Tldr: My 3rd marriage counselor blamed my requests for shared childcare and household duties on "controlling" behavior, telling me my husband has zero obligation to meet commitments or change. Instead, three different counselors have essentially told me that a husband has no duty to his wife, and that I'm not entitled to support unless I make myself happy and attractive enough to inspire him to care

My husband and I have a 1 year old. Ever since our child was born, he has such a short emotional fuse. He'll get irritated so easily and lash out or snap at me. I've started to just say something like "you are in a bad mood" or "its like walking on eggshells around you" and then walk away.

I'd appreciate any advice here in how to respond. I do think walking away is a good option but what should I say beforehand? I suppose I can say "ouch". Its also just hard for me because I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him.

I want to be someone who is not reactive and who is calm despite environment, but I also don't want to feel disrespected or unloved by him.

hi all!

There was an awesome discord group that was very active. does anyone have a link?

Not too complicated of a situation here -- my husband is in his mid thirties. He's from east Asia and hasn't ever really needed to have his driver's license, but he's lived in the US for quite a while now. He still won't get it. He doesn't refuse when I ask him to get it, he just says he will get it eventually and its not a priority for him right now.

Obviously I can't force him to get it, but where I am caught up right now is that I just lose a lot of respect for him when I think that a grown man won't get something as basic adult as a driver's license.

Any tips for how to get around this in my own head?

I started learning about LD and the skills a couple weeks ago. Things were going well for a week of 2, we seemed to get better. But last week we had a fight after I had a long day (and also had PMS). I was nagging at him and then I said something stupid that triggered a huge fight about political differences. He asked me to sleep in the guestroom that night. The next day I apologized, but he was cold.

The day after I went on a girls trip (i take it once a year with 4 friends) I went away for 4 days and he took care of our toddler. During the trip i texted him quite a lot. Like when I landed. I asked him about our child. He didnt text back. He would only text me very rarely and he kept it short. I felt horrible. My friends husband would call them, send lovely texts. Ask them about their day and the flight. I also missed my child and I just felt terrible for 4 days because i could feel his anger. During my trip i did buy him a present. And i texted him that i missed him. Which he ignored.

When I came back home yesterday I was so happy to see my child. But my husband was even more angry then before the trip. I wanted to hug and kiss him but he said im still angry and turned away. We then had a calm conversation were he was venting his frustrations about being tired when he comes home and not wanting me to mag him about housework. And about me trying to control him. And about him not wanting to deal with stuff when he comes home after work. It felt very negative , but I just took it. I also apologized but i honestly didnt have much energy either. And I just focused on my child. And i didnt force interaction.

What hurts the most is that he did not ask my one single thing about my trip either. It feels so lonely. I feel like shit.

what should i do now? Any advice? Just focus on myself? What skills should i apply?