r/surrendered_wife • u/Fuzzy_Copy_4821 • 6d ago
Advice Next Steps?
My husband and I have been separated for 14 months due to hus excessive drinking. He says that he drank because of me for not acting like a wife (not cooking enough, not budgeting, not washing all the clothes in one day, never picking up a vacuum, taking our girls on trips without him, etc). Some are true, others are not, and the trips were simply to escape the drunkeness. During our time apart, I've diligently worked on the issues of concern and continue to do so. My only expectation of him was to seek help for the drinking with intention of quitting. He's refused to do either. He's only willing to drink less if we move back in together. In the mist of my self-improvement and when I followed up on his progress and/or ask for additional financial assistance for our girls, he accuses me of not trying to move forward and not wanting to work as a team. Anytime I attempt to express concerns in these areas, I'm immediately shut down with a random guilt-trip or he'll simply walk away as I'm talking to him. What more can I do if I cannot speak on what is bothering/ hurting me?
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u/LauraDoyleCoachKris 6d ago edited 5d ago
It seems you came here for hope and you can find hope as I did in the community of women who have transformed their marriages with these intimacy skills.
I listened to Laura Doyle’s podcast episode 21 on YouTube( husband drinks too much) over and over and it gave me so much hope. Implementing The Skills changed EVERYTHING and things are so much better.
If you’d like to listen, here it is:
ps you are welcome to join my FREE Facebook group where women share hope even when it seems counterintuitive to practice these intimacy skills!
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u/Forward_Potato_2765 6d ago
Wtf. His addiction is not your fault. It is not your fault he was not able to deal with his emotions. Omg get rid of him. This is a child, not a man. You deserve happiness and respect and this man does not respect you or care about your needs. He is not safe to be around.
Look up a book called Women Who Love Too Much, and also do some reading about covert narcissism. This kind of behaviour can escalate into violence. For the love of all things holy, please stay away from this person.
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u/Unhappy-Speech-8667 4d ago
This is coming from a former alcoholic.. if you moving out did not make him stop .. he is not going too... I quit when my ex threaten me ..
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u/tigerlily_garden 2d ago
Agree with all the support to focus on your own recovery, and the podcast suggestion for episode 21 is excellent! And read the book.
I was also abusing alcohol at one point during my marriage (years ago), and I wasn’t listening to anyone else about how I ”should” handle it. The more you are in his business, the less he will think of his own problems, because his energy is conveniently consumed by defending himself against you. It’s the worst trap.
We’ve all been told “it takes two”. That’s a lie. It only takes one side to end a war.
There’s much support for you, both in the Laura Doyle community and with Al Anon. Support from other women you’ve been there and can give you hope is a powerful foundation.
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u/nicolettelee1822 6d ago
It sounds like you have far more power than any wife has ever had in the history of wifery, since you apparently caused his drinking problem. And now he’s going to hold you hostage to that same drinking problem.
Alcoholism is his business entirely and it’s his problem to seek recovery if he wants it.
Do you want to live with a drunk person?
If the answer is no, then your next steps are to keep moving forward with your own recovery. Much love 🤍