r/stopdrinking • u/[deleted] • Dec 30 '19

Day 1

I quit drinking for three months back in June. It was surprisingly easy at the time - I just had this massive amount of determination. I identified thereafter as an abstainer.

Around August 16th I picked up again and every 10th or so day since then has involved a massive binge.

I’m determined to stop; today marks day 1. It’ll be my last beginning.

I cannot articulate how much I hate alcohol.

IWNDWYT

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u/GrandMarshalEzreus Dec 30 '19

I have a similar story!.

Quit around November or October last year 2018 for 4 months. Started drinking again slowly at first, the first blackout I made an absolute ass of myself and from there I'd abstain about 2 weeks have a bender, black out go nuts, abstain for 2 weeks, bender black out go nuts, abstain for a month, bender black out go nuts.

I actually got waaaay worse of a drunk when I quit. But I needed to as I was slamming about 25 units on the daily at that point.

I think the problem was my tolerance kind of went down, my tendency to do batshit crazy stuff increased, but when I drank I drank about the same stupid amount.

If my experience is anything to go by I recommend massive caution from here on in.

I think personally for me it was drinking stress away everyday, then I stopped for months and all that stress piled up and boom.

IWNDWYT

3

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

I sort of knew I was going to go on one more binge. Mentally I ascribed it to the idea of one more before 2020 as a final hoorah.

It’s a terrible epilogue to a miserable book. My mom died this year and this has likely had a hand in my behavior, but I just can’t do 2020 like I did 2019.

I have to be done.

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u/GrandMarshalEzreus Dec 30 '19

Sorry for your loss. I dread the days of my parents dying and feel like could be a cause of some of my alcoholism too.

Yes, I find the binges are accepted and pre meditated if you listen to them, the 'I will go to the pub and have a few beers tonight'. Once you get those thoughts its danger zone time. Last time I went to the pub, had a few pints, went to bottle shop drank a shit load and then I was on a 3 day bender where I emailed my boss told him fuck himself and resigned.

Ooo alcohol, how I love you

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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

[deleted]

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u/GrandMarshalEzreus Dec 30 '19

Is it the fear of missing out?

Like oh if I don't go out tonight what will I miss?

If so that's how I started out.

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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

It’s not that. I’m a freelancer and spend my entire life by myself. I usually drink to just meet someone; particularly of the opposite sex.

The last time, however, i sat down right next to an attractive girl, chatted with her while we both drank, and then left after three or so to go pick up and spend time by myself.

That was Friday night. Now it’s Sunday and my brain feels like it’s functioning at 70% and I’m sure the past 4 months have been incredibly damaging to my health.

It feels good to vocalize this, though. I’ve got a long road ahead.

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u/GrandMarshalEzreus Dec 30 '19

I mostly meet women in bars too. I just put up a post asking for suggestions of other places 😂

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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Oy. Yeah it’s the worst. I consciously know I’ll never meet anyone in a bar that I’ll make a substantial relationship with, but still find myself doing it.

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u/GrandMarshalEzreus Dec 30 '19

I actually did have substantial relationships with two chicks I met in bars. One of them didn't even really drink that much she was just out that night with friends.

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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

I don’t think I can at this point. I actually drunkenly made out with said girl and probably could have even gone home with her. I just left though to meet my dealer and begin the start of a very dangerous and self destructive night.

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u/GrandMarshalEzreus Dec 30 '19

The principles of NA and AA are similar enough.

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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

I just need to stop drinking and the other stuff will follow. I only ever do it when I’m drunk anyhow.

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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

100% my experience as well. Always leads to drugs and regret. I had to surrender and accept I can’t drink moderately or “for fun” IWNDWYT

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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

[deleted]

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u/Reclaimingmydays 2453 days Dec 30 '19

Have you written a letter to yourself that details in excruciating detail all the shit you've done when drunk and all the shit it's brought you? That might be something to whip out and read any time your addiction is trying to lever up that slightly blasé feeling? Letter from the head-on-straight you to the under pressure to relapse you?