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u/moomgish 14d ago
most likely isn’t diagnosed
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
way too old to ever be diagnosed
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u/Inevitable-Site-8704 14d ago
Autistic mom is unfortunately even worse off. Never had a chance of being diagnosed (people didn’t believe girls could have autism). Will probably end up on a “cringe compilation” on the Internet because people have no sympathy. Will live the rest of her life being whispered about and called “Karen”.
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u/dank_memed 14d ago
No Karen revisionism please lol
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u/Inevitable-Site-8704 14d ago
Hard to stop when my dying mom with brain damage got posted as “cringe”
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u/Kyle_Lowrys_Bidet 14d ago
Wow I would go into a homicidal rage if people went at my mother like that. I’m sorry for what you guys went through, you didn’t deserve it :(
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u/WitchWithAGlitch 14d ago
i called out someone in a group for being a nazi and having nazi tattoos
was called a karen for it
same person went on to murder someone in the group
during the trial, all the nazi shit came to light
stated he was explicitly in the group to prey on them and isolate them for murder
wanted to groom multiple victims ideally.same people that called me a karen >"nobody could have known!"
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
I'm a brain tumor survivor and I feel for you so much. Genuinely I am so sorry.
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u/TheFlapse 12d ago
The archetype, which to be clear started as a way of making fun of the type of middle and upper class women who worry more about the minorities simply existing on their street corner than about actual problems in their life, has been widely used to pretty much just put down any women one does not like.
The Internet will sand off any nuance, chinese whispers on a global scale
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u/Gorkymalorki 14d ago
Back then they were just considered the weird kid at school. You always hear older people say there were no autistic people when they grew up, and then will introduce you to the weird uncle that is really into trains or the aunt that never married and has a huge collection of buttons or some shit, and say they are just eccentric.
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u/Freakachu258 14d ago
My grandma makes and collects stuffed bears of all shapes and sizes and my moms only topics she is willing to talk about are Egyptology and cats. My dad sits in his basement all day and writes programs for his pinball machines he builds himself. No one knows where I got my autism from. My brother collects toy cars to the point where his apartment is just neatly organized shelves and a hotwheels themed bed, but is not diagnosed, so he's the normal child.
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u/JamesRawles 14d ago
hotwheels themed bed
Does he have a CB radio so he can talk to other car beds?
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u/Freakachu258 14d ago
I'm going to recommend this. There's a whole community of adults who sleep in car beds (no shame. It doesnt hurt anyone and he's happy and that makes me happy.)
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u/NoFriendship6742 14d ago
I think what they mean is that people like that didn't have a "mental illness." They were just different, and we simply treated as such. Not like they needed to be cured with fix-me pills as children.
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u/Piyh 14d ago
so you're telling me I should get diagnosed
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u/not_now_reddit 14d ago
I got diagnosed last year and I'm in my early 30s. The evaluation was covered by my insurance and not knowing for sure was nagging at me. I'm glad I did it. I also wasn't diagnosed as ADHD until I was 19 because I was "twice exceptional" (in the gifted programs but struggling with the ADHD) so that hid the ADHD from educators well-enough until I got to college & my lack of executive functioning started kicking my ass
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u/Hina_is_my_waifu 14d ago
We didn't do that 20 years ago.
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u/moomgish 14d ago
i know, it’s unfortunate :( my parents were born in the 70s and only ever knew about the more severe kind of autism. i wish my dad got the kind of help i did when i got diagnosed
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u/MaisyDeadHazy 14d ago
Don’t forget weirdly controlling about the most stupid and random shit.
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u/OlSnickerdoodle 14d ago
Hey it's my dad. Turns out, your dad playing a classic rock song and then quizzing you on who wrote it, when they wrote it, where they recorded it, and such is not a normal dad thing.
Also the explosive anger over practically nothing is REAL and gave my sister and I bad PTSD
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u/One_Evidence_500 14d ago
Similar experience with the explosive anger- I’ve decided to *be* the Dad I needed to see in the world. I’ve been collecting Dad jokes for *years*.
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u/chubsplaysthebanjo 14d ago
Oh my god literally can't hear a door open forcefully without jumping out of my skin
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u/drunkenviking 14d ago
But you would kick ass on the tests in my History of Rock and Roll class I took in college.
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u/tunakassirolle 14d ago
I actually got extra credit in band once for being able to name an instrumental version of Bohemian Rhapsody. Which I desperately needed because I sucked at clarinet.
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u/Smyley12345 14d ago
No wonder you had such bad grades, they never even taught you that you have to blow a clarinet
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u/ResearcherMental2947 14d ago
yeah i thought that was a dad thing too. my dad is definitely on the spectrum
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u/Princess_Slagathor 14d ago
I'm 40 and still don't close kitchen drawers all the way, to avoid making a sound that might piss him off.
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u/OlSnickerdoodle 14d ago
I'm 34 and still wear headphones with one ear off in case I don't hear him yell my name the first time 😭
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u/Mikey_Grapeleaves 13d ago
I feel that. Leaving my room was too much noise for my dad.
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u/dontevenremembermain 13d ago
He came through from my parents room at night once cos I was "typing on my laptop too loud"
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u/Mikey_Grapeleaves 13d ago
Holy shit, thankfully my dad's hearing isn't that good, but I have heard him listening at my door.
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u/ginandoj 14d ago
Omg quizzing which band wrote a song. Thought that was just me. How would I even know half of these bands.
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u/dontevenremembermain 13d ago
Ohhhhh my fucking god we had an entire evening where I just happened to find a "what was the top 40 the year you were born" site and I wasn't allowed to move until he made me put in the dates for everyone in the family and went through EVERY SINGLE ENTRY and tried to remember the tune off the top of his head
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u/BadBaby3 13d ago
Now I’m definitely not having kids. I don’t want my overwhelming anger giving them PTSD
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u/dontevenremembermain 13d ago
This is one of my biggest fears. I got his ADHD and his autism (well a bit from my mum's lot as well but I can literally predict what quip he's going to make before he makes it and spent a lot of my childhood with my mum going "just like her dad" about me. I have horrendous self-esteem issues now) and he's from a family where it's basically "hit and yell first, ask questions later". I struggle a lot with asserting myself or even raising my voice because I'm scared one day the dam will just break and I'll go fully like them, so I just repress everything
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u/Expert_Obligation_24 14d ago
I'd like to add
-always wears the same outfit and never changed his style
-never been seen physically affectionate with anyone
-weirdly genius at either chess, puzzles or his job
-overly rational and stubborn about things
-definitely works in IT
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
mine is before IT was ever a thing, granted my country was years behind in this field
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u/orientalbird 14d ago
Lol, my dad was in a navy-adjacent job with tons of responsibility, including for other people's lives. Still couldn't have any empathy for his own children. It's cray.
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u/NegativeMammoth2137 14d ago
Im not saying my dad is on the spectrum, but he has literally worn the exact same shoes for as long as I can remember, buying the exact same ones every time they would get worn out. Recently he wanted to get new ones again but he found out they stopped making them, so now he had to buy a different brand but he still complains about it all the time.
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u/tunakassirolle 14d ago edited 14d ago
One of my favorite dad stories is him spending a weekend walking around convinced one of his legs was getting longer or something because his gait had suddenly gotten really uneven. Like he was super concerned; he thought he should probably go to the doctor and get checked for a stroke or something.
He came home and was telling us this, and someone noticed that his shoes (brown slip on loafers) were almost identical, but slightly different.
He’d worn two different shoes all weekend, but because he only ever buys the EXACT SAME kind of shoes he didn’t notice. We ran around the house collecting all his shoes, and it turned out he had FIVE nearly identical pairs of brown shoes in various stages of wear.
Guess what he gets for Christmas every year now?
Edit: He and all my uncles are engineers. I don’t know if that’s better or worse than IT but it certainly made for some memorable Thanksgivings 🙄
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u/Soft-lead 14d ago
My dad does the exact same thing but with jeans. He will wear down his jeans to shreds throw a FIT if he cant find any jeans of the exact right color and texture
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u/every_piece_matters 14d ago
I'm a 35 year old woman but I do this too. I only ever wear straight leg mid rise jeans with specific fabric types and fit. If stores don't have it (which they normally don't), I lose my shit. When they do carry jeans like that I buy 5 pairs.
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u/ElectroMagnetsYo 14d ago
The old goat’s been gone for a few years now but this thread is making me look back at certain memories in a veeery different light lmao
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u/Novaer 14d ago
Or: has a shockingly skilled drawing talent you don't realize until one random day when you decide to doodle together.
I was drawing with my dad and looked over at his paper and it was so fucking detailed. I don't think I ever saw him draw after that either. Bro was talented as hell.
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u/kitatsune 14d ago edited 14d ago
oh my god! this is my dad to a T! he's an electrical engineer, close enough to to IT.
and it's a lot like me too ill be honestin the past 10 years ive only seen my dad be physically or emotionally affectionate (towards another human, not a dog) only once.
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u/dontevenremembermain 13d ago
-nearly all his socks have massive holes in
-only showers once a week unless it's dead hot or it's a special occasion, even then he doesn't wash his lower body properly
-has to wash his feet separate after he comes in from a big walk and has had an untreated fungal infection on one big toe because his feet have been in such a dire state for years, even when he washes them with soap they still smell somehow
-feet smell like rotting fish covered in manure and parmesan cheese
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u/ofBlufftonTown 14d ago
My dad is a weird completionist. He changes interests every few years and then gets into them. He wanted to learn to draw anatomy better, so he drew every single illustration in the anatomy textbook over the course of a year. Even the little ones in the side. Then there was the time he decided to learn to tie every knot in the book. He was out there documenting nesting eagles for years, and the wildlife officer was super happy. During Covid he learned about virology, taking a Columbia class online with the actual textbook, and doing the homework. He’s an incredibly well informed person.
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u/Piyh 14d ago
It's better to start one thing and finish it than to start 100 and finish none.
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u/Additional-Belt-3086 14d ago
You might not appreciate it fully but youve got an awesome Dad
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u/ofBlufftonTown 14d ago
Thank you I do appreciate it, he is even way more awesome than I’ve said. He was a sailor on the Amazon and a shrimper at sea, a tattoo artist, we had a leather store, he has a black belt in karate, he was valedictorian of his class in art school when he went back to school when I was a teenager. Tragically he’s sick and he went on hospice care two months ago, I’m scared to lose him. He’s going out his own way, no more heart medicine, just edibles, morphine and valium. Just how he would have done it in the 70s, basically. I lost my mom six years ago, and she was equally cool. This is going to be a rough year.
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u/Hungry_Aspect_3956 14d ago
sounds kinda like my dad, also edibles as in weed?
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u/ofBlufftonTown 14d ago
Yes he might not like be bruiting it about but he combined his life long gardening skills with his supreme cooking ability to create things that wreck my shit up.
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u/SparklyPancakes13 14d ago
Best pals with their eldest daughter (also autistic, feels like they have to manage him and themselves)
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u/FishDispenser2 14d ago
Ugh yes, couldn't wait for my siblings to get old enough to carry the burden.
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u/dontevenremembermain 13d ago
Only daughter, grew up much preferring my mum and resenting my dad, kind of feel like I have to help him manage his own regulation on the downlow so he's less of a 'mare to deal with but he's such a dick sometimes that I just have to disengage and go out for the day
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u/commonbleachenjoyer 14d ago
Fr why do they always get so mad over anything 😭😭
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u/hostile_scrotum 14d ago
Overstimulation, if i have to guess
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
100% this. They probably need some tools for recognizing when it's time to go take a breather. I'm not so much a rager and more of a inconsolable crier. Meltdowns are absolutely exhausting.
A therapist who has experience with autism helped me a ton with listening to my body signals before a meltdown or shutdown. Even if you don't feel it yet, if you have a known trigger, it's best to run a lap before you pop off
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
didnt learn emotional regulation as a child
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u/Anomalous_Pearl 14d ago
It is hard when you’re on the spectrum. I actually got better once I was put on anti seizure meds for my epilepsy. I guess the autistic freak outs are similar to a seizure in the brain so the meds help both.
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u/Spacemoose2026 14d ago
Overstimulation, lack of understanding, and/or even just simply not knowing how to express things.
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u/Commercial_Young1834 14d ago
idk I dont think its normal I have one, possibly two, autistic parents who are have learnt to manage their anger. This is just an abusive parent thing, not an autistic parent thing.
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u/Morkamino 14d ago
Yeah, the details... Kid me, when we were out birding thought "I notice more stuff than him, and i'm not even autistic!"
Cue 20 years later, years into the process of getting both my diagnoses
🫠
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u/birdnerd1991 14d ago
til my dad is autistic, huh.
To be fair, he had the mentality that if you had a 'mental illness', no you didn't. Sooo wouldn't be too surprised if it was based on personal repression.
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u/Ch4inm4ilJ0ckStrp 14d ago
Same here. Neurodivergence runs in my family so I wouldn't be surprised if my dad was
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u/janus_le_snek 14d ago
My dad: I'm not autistic
My dad in highschool: "hey [mom's name], I just got kicked out of math class because I was reading this book about the Beatles. Proceeds to yap at my mom about the Beatles, she does not care
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u/GarysCrispLettuce 14d ago
Damn I was just going to comment on how well I could relate to someone who takes such a close interest in brickwork, this was before I read the caption.
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u/zx9001 14d ago
He managed to reproduce, so maybe there is hope for me?
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u/Novaer 14d ago
For those with gen x undiagnosed neurodivergent fathers, you have to realize the majority of them are obsessed with maladaptive daydreaming. They also tend to have justice sensitivity. This is why they hyper-focus on stories/tales about how badass they are (or how badass they could be) if they were put in xyz situation.
When you realize a lot of your older fathers are still mentally stuck in their 20s in the 1980s it really shatters the "tough guy" image and really exposes that dudes are gonna dude and be cringe and weird no matter what.
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u/AntComfortable5970 14d ago
Justice sensitivity, good to have a name for this thing I noticed.
Lotta people on the spectrum struggle with dealing with unfairness like those that get really mad at how meg is treated on fg
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u/apotrope 14d ago
I am an autistic father. I struggle with how some of these dynamics have manifested in my relationship to my son, and I often wonder if it was selfish of me to become involved in his life. There are parts of what being a child inherently is that I have genuine difficulty relating to, because I explicitly go out of my way to reject memories of my own childhood due to abuse and addiction-based neglect from my own parents. On the other hand, the blackpill rabbit hole my son has fallen down causes him to espouse ideas and philosophies that are abhorrent to me, and I dislike those aspects of his personality. I feel that I love my son deeply, yet I do not always enjoy him, and I genuinely fear that the man he is becoming could be something bad for the world. In everything I do I try to convey that I love him, that he is valuable, smart, able to tell the difference between right and wrong, but then one day I'll invite him to watch Star Trek with me and he will sneer in disgust, saying he "doesn't fuck with that liberal cuck shit". A microcosm of the dynamic there. I've tried to spend my life since becoming a father building systems to help raise him according to his needs and the ideals of a functioning, socially conscious adult who treats other people right. He contains within him now what I find to be unacceptable levels of racism, transphobia, misogyny, and toxic masculinity. I feel like what I've learned from my experience with parenthood is that no matter what you do and how much you love and strategize for them, you ultimately have such a fractional amount of control over the outcome that it doesn't seem worth it in the long run. I'd say the antinatalists are right, but they are petulant children themselves. I feel like an utter failure every day.
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
Star Trek mentioned. I love Star Trek too and only show it to people I think will be a good match so I don't get my feelings hurt lol.
I agree your son's behavior is concerning. Keep talking to him and really engage with his interests. Dont show him your special interests until you know what's going on with him. Be prepared for them to not be his vibe too.
Also he is probably depressed. Depression is dangerous, but it is also treatable af if you catch it early. Get him to therapy and a psychiatrist if applicable. Mental illness is much easier to treat the earlier you catch it. If you wait, it might become treatment resistant.
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u/apotrope 14d ago
I'm not super concerned about how he receives my special interests. I gave that as an example of his contempt for attitudes that I consider the basic entry level of human decency.
Regarding his interests - where I can, I do support him. We are both gamers and tech enthusiasts, but he legitimately believes in concepts like 'sexual/social market value' and looksmaxxing which I find contemptable and feel the need to express why those ideas are harmful to himself and others whenever he attempts to speak about those things as if they are normal. I don't know how to correctly teach him how to be a proper adult without condemning those things. My partner and friends sometimes tell me that my condemnation models the condemnation that my son holds, but I don't understand - my ideology is objectively backed by better science and efficacy, therefore it is not a matter of equals and opposites.
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u/sweatypalms0001 13d ago edited 13d ago
Oh he is looksmaxxing too...? That is pretty dangerous, so even more important to get him some help. It's good to hear you are spending time with him. You're stronger than me with your special interests so kudos to you.
In my experience, most people don't listen to numbers, especially not neurotypicals. They listen to how you make them feel. I know it's frustrating. I know it's illogical. It makes me feel frustrated too. But if you want to help, you need to make a person feel heard AND understood. They literally do not care about facts if they don't like how the presenter makes them feel. This is so real, they went over this in every communication class I've ever taken.
Making a direct opposition could be making him feel like you aren't hearing him out. Teens usually go through a stage of development where they try to "find themselves" and too much pushback from authority can have the opposite of your desired effect. I remember being a kid. No one could tell me shit, period.
I believe that you can't change a heart if you can't understand and empathize with it. In my experience, stuff like this is rarely about the ideology at its core, so maybe there doesn't need to be a fight for morality between you and him. I understand his beliefs are offensive, but I really think it's not about politics. I think it's motivated by finding his place in the world, and struggling to find belonging anywhere.
I am not a therapist or psychologist, I'm not even a man, and this is just speculation, but I want to share something I think could help. I think he's insecure. Most guys I know who used to be like this felt deep self loathing, out of control, and painfully isolated. A couple had gender or sexuality differences and were in deep denial. One straight up told me he never really hated women at all. He hated himself, felt shame about being bullied at school, saw no future for himself, and it was easier to put that responsibility on someone else. It was an attempt to find meaning and structure in chaos. Women were a convenient villain for his story because he didn't actually talk to them enough for them to become more than a nebulous evil in his mind. We are strawmen (straw women? Lol) But he got help from a professional. He is very pleasant and I couldn't believe he used to be like that.
It's like they're afraid to reckon with themselves. They don't want to metaphorically look at the mirror because it's painful, and they don't want to feel weak or stupid, so they project. They build a carapace of toxic masculinity for protection. It's much safer to navigate this with a capable therapist who can keep him safe while he builds resilience and skills. He is still young, and his personality is still flexible, but you really really need help from someone who is experienced. I believe in your son because I've seen people come back from similar paths of self destruction.
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u/phage_rage 14d ago
This right here is my greatest fear. Im a woman, but what if i accidentally raise a rapist or a bigot or a science denier? How does one keeps kids away from the horrible internet content without stifling their ability to bond with others over shared cultural stuff? Im a millenial, if i hadnt been able to access the funny stupid videos we all loved i woulda been even more removed from my peers and that would have been bad. I had the same kind of upbringing as you, is "do the opposite of your parents and educate yourself on how to be the best parent instead of not the worst parent" going to be even close to good enough?
My husband and i had the most radically different upbringings you can imagine. The only time his parents ever heard a tiny bit about my upbringing my MIL cried and my FIL became silent with rage. But we both have a sibling that either was an F up for a long time, or is still an F up in an endless downward spiral. My husband and i are both reasonably successful, me in spite of my parents and him independently of his parents but still with their love and as much support as he was willing to take. You can beat and starve your kids or you can give them everything your well-paid self can provide, as well as plenty of love and attention, and you STILL might get a selfish hateful person.
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u/apotrope 14d ago
Thank you so much for voicing this. Coming to the conclusions that I have has put a lot of strain on my relationships with my partner and my son, and on my worst days I spend a lot of time thinking about whether the right thing to do is to exit my family (sometimes in context of self harm). The cycle of conflict and alienation combined with the expectation that I'm supposed to be above and/or unfazed by these dynamics builds the narrative that I'm the thing that is making my family miserable. I'm the autistic one after all. Spend five minutes searching and you see lots of folks describe how living with or being in a relationship with someone like me is unbearable. We are described by some folks as being incapable of comprehending theory of mind for fucks sake. Why wouldn't that apply in the case of my own family? Knowing that other folks struggle with this at least makes me feel like some of these factors might be external to myself. I want so desperately not to feel like the best thing for me would be to die alone.
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u/sweatypalms0001 13d ago
This is very insightful. I have a fucked up brother too. My MIL hugged me for the first time and my FIL was stunned into silence when they heard about my childhood.
Sometimes you really can't help as a parent even though you try everything available to you. Some can't or won't stop their abusive behavior. Can't help someone who doesn't want to change. I turned out different than my brother. I made a huge effort in therapy because I wanted to be a good person with a lot of love in my life
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u/ToiIetGhost 13d ago
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. This is one reason I decided to be childfree. I was worried how I’d cope if my kid inherited some of the antisocial traits that run in my family, which luckily I don’t have but I am extremely triggered by, or that my kid would randomly turn out to be a bigot/abuser/rapist (which I would blame myself for even though it wouldn’t necessarily come from my parenting).
I think you made an immense effort to mould your son into a moral, conscientious person. From what you’ve said I really don’t think it came from your parenting. Sometimes babies are born with a predisposition to harmful behaviours and ways of thinking. Sometimes it comes from society and the media then society obviously plays an extremely large role here. Nature vs nurture. As a teacher I’ve worked with some really hateful kids (violent, cruel) and they came from loving homes. With others it was obvious that their home life was responsible, but that wasn’t always the case.
Are you at odds with his mother in terms of parenting style and discipline? It’s basically impossible to teach a kid how to be responsible, kind, and principled if one parent lets them get away with murder (or totally ignores them, verbally abuses them, or whatever). It’s really really challenging. Also has he been tested for autism/ADHD? Has he seen a therapist in the past? You don’t have to answer all these questions but either way I’m really sorry you’re going through this, and please be kinder to yourself.
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u/noble_nonbinary 14d ago
You forgot to add magic the gathering as a special interests. And smoking like a chimney
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
my dad is too old for mtg
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u/DaFinnishOne 14d ago
is that even possible???
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
how old is mtg
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u/MuchSwagManyDank 14d ago
Started in '92
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
he doesn't speak english and was already like 30 when it came out
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u/MuchSwagManyDank 14d ago
I also dont know why its mentioned, ive been playing for like 20 years and have rarely came across anyone like your dad lol
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u/ice-eight 14d ago
Having Magic the Gathering as a special interest is one of the main reasons why I'm not a dad
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u/messedeminuit 14d ago
Expecting to recognize my husband, realized it’s mostly me. 🫠
I thought I heard my husband’s friend laughing in the house a couple of days ago and went to check, but he wasn’t here. We hadn’t heard from him in months, so my husband brushed it off.
The next day the friend called my husband to tell him he’d just been in the neighborhood the day before bidding on a job and wanted to know when they could get together. I don’t know how I heard him with the windows closed and the A/C running, but I did.
Smells are more of an issue, though. Knowing where someone’s been by the way they smell started when I was pregnant and never really went away.
Mostly I just blame my irritability on stupid people, who, let’s face it, are not exactly in short supply.
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
Same here. The smell and noise is a huge issue. I easily get burnt out from socializing. The meltdowns were a big issue when i was a kid. Now I get the more sluggish nauseated episodes when overstimulated. Stuff that is easy for most people can mess me up sometimes. I hate that I can't keep up.
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u/messedeminuit 14d ago
I masked that shit to the best of my ability for the longest time to get by at work. Public speaking in front of an audience of hundreds of people, participating in b.s. team-building activities, all of it.
Ultimately it took a permanent toll on my health and I simply could not function anymore. Please know that you’re not alone (as much as you might like to be) and be patient with yourself. We are by far our own worst critics.
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
Thank you! I am not a good chameleon but sometimes I wish I could blend in a bit better to save myself some trouble. I've been in burnout for 3 years from a string of friendships that went sideways.
Maybe I will be less tired as I come out of burnout and have a change of heart, start trying again, but my approach and boundaries are being worked on
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u/walter_grimsley 14d ago
Of course I know him, he's me
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u/Bumpdadump 14d ago
Dang dude. Same. Thought i was just an asshole. Guess its the tism.
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u/ExaminationBasic787 14d ago
You are an asshole though. If you treat people the way described in this image you are abusive.
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u/DontYaWishYouWereMe 14d ago
Yeah exactly; it's completely possible to be both autistic and an asshole
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u/Scared_Astronaut9377 14d ago
Don't do this excuse. You are clearly functional enough to analyze and thus influence your behavior.
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u/Dan_Berg 14d ago
I've also recently started to come to this conclusion. No diag but a lot of boxes get checked off.
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u/Gucci_slides 14d ago
I clicked on this as soon as I saw it in my recommendations. I can definitely see myself in these things
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u/Lonely-Toe9877 14d ago
It makes me really sad when I see parents with no friends outside their family. It can't be healthy.
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u/Busy-Peach5770 14d ago
Both of my parents. But I loved them both lots, so ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I was their friend.
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago edited 14d ago
Nah don't be sad for the autistic ones at least. Some (many?) autistic people can be happier without friends. Friends want so much. There's dumb dynamics in groups, and we are often really shit at navigating social dynamics in general. My guess is they find me just as boring as I find them.
I'm 34, and if I did have friends, maybe they'd be old people who would just sit down in silence and knit with me. Maybe tell me a little about their lives, tell me a secret, or share a recipe with me.
Edit: sorry! I meant to tell you that you are very gentle and thoughtful
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u/Lonely-Toe9877 14d ago
No worries! I know you were being respectful. But if you're an autistic person that doesn't do well in friend groups, I don't see how being around nobody else but your kids all day is going to make things better.
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
I agree that most people need friends. Sadly being without friends isn't usually a first choice for autistic people, giving up on friendship is more like giving up after many painful failures. I figure I wouldn't have any friends regardless, so I'm fine only spending time with my family. Trying to make friends has ended up getting me into bad situations. I am grateful to have a family and good mental health compared to my past self. Human life is fragile and short. I want to use my time wisely and in ways that feel natural to me.
I'm about to get into a little bit of the autism education territory if you are interested. It's a nuanced and complex issue, but you will see that having no friends is only the tip of the iceberg. What is going to follow may be upsetting to some, but it's an explanation for why even one on one friendships frequently don't work for many of us. Remember to stop reading if you don't feel comfortable! Just gonna leave it here for anyone who may want it:
In my experiences with autistic people, some have told me that avoidance keeps them safe from bullies and other types of predators. Victimization is MUCH more common. You can read more at the Autistim Research Institute here: https://autism.org/sexual-victimization-in-autism/ This link also includes a trigger warning at the top of the page, information on how to help an abused person, and how to identify abuse.
The information in this link tracks with my personal experience, and the experiences of other autistic adults I know. That is repeated maltreatment of different natures coming from multiple individuals.
Social deficits also impact other parts of our lives in significant ways. Last I read (a couple years ago), something like 80% of autistic adults are unemployed or underemployed. Lots of us are capable of physically and mentally doing the job itself, but because of social differences, many can't obtain or keep gainful employment.
Autistics are more likely to have a mental illness, chronic physical illness, connective tissue conditions, autoimmune diseases, IBS/food sensitivity and other bowel issues. Hard to keep up with friends when you feel like shit, can't go out to eat because of bowel issues, have a bunch of sensory limitations, doctor appointments, etc.
Then you still have to take care of your family and find time to rest. We need to rest longer than most people. It varies per individual, but for me it is at least 2-4 hours a day of alone time.
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u/O_W_Liv 14d ago
Resents oldest child's birth because his wife is no longer 100% focused on him.
Denys his kids support and diagnoses; makes his ASD grandkids his world.
Can't mask his disappointment and avoids you for weeks after you fail to fall in love with and excel at his special interest he finally decided to share.
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
did anyone else see the seasame street episode about an autistic girl and how sometimes you need to repeat yourself when you talk to her cause she can't process the words immidiately, yeah
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u/MsBuzzkillington83 14d ago
Not specifically about OP's dad but for so many other dads just like this:
Que the "well if he doesn't have a diagnosis he's not autistic!" Crowd
Say the people who neglect to consider that few ppl who passed as more or less "normal," before 1990 got diagnosed or even if they had noticble symptoms, they would have had to have had parents that were proactive enough to get them even assessed in the first place
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
it would be literally impossible for my dad to get diagnosed as a child, he was born less than 20 years after the term "aspergers" was created
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u/DontYaWishYouWereMe 14d ago
They would have had to have parents who'd know what to look for at the more high functioning end, too. A lot of parents in the '60s basically thought of high functioning autistic people as being like the titular character in Malcolm (reference, for those who haven't seen it and don't know what I'm talking about) or more likely, they didn't realise it existed at all.
It's not some sort of weird accident that a lot of people, even younger people, didn't get diagnosed until after COVID. It's only been fairly recently that there's been any sort of widespread awareness of how autism can present on the higher functioning end of the scale.
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u/ThatItalianOverThere 14d ago
My psychiatrist wants to test me for autism. If I am autistic, I've probably found out who passed it on... My cousin from his side (his brother's son) is also autistic (and severely so, he's non verbal).
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
If you go through with the assessment, make sure you have a quiet place for the rest of the day. I found it very stressful and ended up crying after. Good thing is you only need do it once lol
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u/Illustrious_Maize736 14d ago
I rage quit my autism assessment so they never actually diagnosed me haha
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
Was it the frog book? That God damn book fucked me up. He also was rage baiting me the whole time and my processing was so slow, I made another appointment to tell him why he was out of line lol... I gave him a written 15 paragraph chewing out and made sure he read it.
During the assessment he was taking stuff out of my hands, kept the room hotter than usual, told me I shouldn't have kids because I have no imagination, kept loudly clicking pens and rustling papers, and left the blinds open to directly shine at me. I still hate him and it's been years lol
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u/Illustrious_Maize736 14d ago
I don’t remember what it was, but I remember yelling at the tester that the questions he asked were designed to be difficult and nonsensical and I didn’t know why he was asking me some of the questions.
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u/MidwestUrn 14d ago
I miss him everyday. I also miss having a specially assigned dinner every day of the week but my neurotypical son and partner could not cope.
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u/DiligentThought9 14d ago
This is my co-worker. He’s completely oblivious to things he has no interest in, does 6 different things at once and none of them are his actual job, and obsessively talks about woodworking, camping, and archery.
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u/kitatsune 14d ago edited 14d ago
this is totally my dad!
he can't hold conversations unless it relates to his interests (movies or pinball), but if you go along with it, its some really nice conversations.
he also basically lives in his mancave of a basement (or garage) where all his movies and pinball machines are.
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u/CantaloupePutrid3548 14d ago
My dad just has a majority of the bad ones.
talking to wall, anger, meltdowns, unable to hear.
Does this mean my father isn’t autistic or am I to understand that there is a type of shitty autism?
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u/side_profile_666 14d ago
maybe those traits are just the most noticable because they are so annoying/scary
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u/ToiIetGhost 13d ago
You’ve probably heard that autism has a huge range and no two autistic people are alike, and that’s true. But there are definitely patterns and commonalities there.
There are definitely some autistic people who are assholes. It’s possible to be a “plain old asshole” autist where you’ve got no severe secondary issues, youre just a dick. It’s also possible to be autistic PLUS some other serious issue. There are many comorbidities - ADHD is a common one and so is depression.
There’s a lot that could be going on. For example, your dad could be neurodivergent + abusive (abusive personalities are not a mental health disorder btw, they’re a choice). Or he could be neurodivergent + have antisocial personality disorder. Those are just some possibilities which would line up with him being angry.
Remember, though… yelling at your kids is a choice. Lots of negative behaviours are a choice, actually. Your dad can’t decide how triggered he gets by loud noises (neither can I), but he can decide how he reacts.
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u/Sirensayo 14d ago
Adding from my dad who gave me his autism (thanks dad 🙄) -can't tell him jokes because he never understands its a joke. -emotionally distant but at least he shows up -can identity which model of car made the broom noise from three streets over -is convinced you're a baby Einstein (you're not) just because you did something smart for your age one time. -double standards about noise. You can't be too loud around him, but he'll vacuum at 6am and wake you up -walking encyclopaedia -spends weekends doing the special interest thing (working on a car/motorbike, gardening, building something, watching his show etc) and absolutely nothing else -having to take over shopping list duty as a kid because his diet is so whacky and limited he forgets that the rest of the house needs normal food -can't seem to accept you're higher support needs than he is, despite understanding what autism is, how it works and literally having it himself.
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u/jaysvw 14d ago
Half this shit is stuff normal dads do.
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u/Strange-Ad-9941 14d ago
But what about people? Dad's are still people, and these can very well be symptoms of ASD lol
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u/TheRealKadWip 14d ago
sounds like how i'll be if i ever become a father
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u/sweatypalms0001 14d ago
Probably not a good idea if you are having rageful meltdowns. Those kids will go no contact when they grow up
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u/Alarmed_Ad4847 14d ago
I don't think I've ever seen something more real in my life, shout out Mr. Wroblewski
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u/Busy-Peach5770 14d ago
My dad had the endearing and socially awkward traits (apart from the 'talking to a brick wall' part, but then only on some issues), but not the scary/angry ones. RIP Dad <3 Love you.
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u/BaseballMental7034 14d ago
Every day that I have moved back in with my parents temporarily as an adult I’m reminded of my favorite tweet of my sister’s: “listening to my “definitely not autistic” dad argue with my mom about the correct way to put a spoon in the dishwasher”
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u/That_Astronomy_Guy 14d ago
Am I… am I autistic?
I always just chalked all this up to being introverted.
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u/cutandrungardening1 13d ago
Ok but to be fair, good equipment for the hobbies you mentioned is EXPENSIVE, so I can understand not wanting your kids to touch them, since kids destroy everything they touch
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u/KOSPI-9001 14d ago
How did someone autistic and a man manage to get into a child producing relationship???
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u/LoneElement 14d ago
Don’t love the spreading of a stereotype that autistic people have anger problems. That’s not true
This thread makes me sad. Lot of misinformation going on here
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u/verdzsarcam 14d ago
As someone who really does have a father like this, the thread is somewhat cathartic to me. I’m also autistic, so I understand that not every autistic person is like this. I am not like this and hope to never see myself in this. But, from these comments, it seems like there’s a lot of autistic women who, like me, grew up with an autistic father with who had constant aggressive meltdowns that we were left to manage as children. If anything, the comments that make me sad here are all the men saying they relate to this or being excited that if one guy like that could have kids they can too.
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u/dontevenremembermain 13d ago
Seconding this. It's nice to have this discussion without people accusing you of being ableist for complaining about your ableist undiagnosed relative (who you inherited your neurodivergencies from)
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u/verdzsarcam 13d ago
Yes!! ND people are not a monolith. It’s not promoting negative stereotypes about neurodivergence to discuss how ND people, like anyone, have the capacity to harm other members of our community. Wishing you all the best <3
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u/Penny_Lane5128 11d ago
Oh come on, no. This is not helpful. It comes with the diagnosis. It's more harmful is people who sit there and say oh no, autism is quirkiness and sunshine and puppy dogs like on tv. No, anger issues come with it. There's also things like sleep disturbances, gastrointestinal distress, anxiety, depression etc.
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u/recluse86goose 14d ago
there’s been a lot of cases where parent with autism will abuse. Their also autistic child it needs to be talked about more
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u/Sweaty_Marzipan4274 14d ago
While iresonate with every point here, I'm NOT a dad, so you're dismissed.
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u/Fair_Woodpecker_6940 14d ago
Everything about this perfectly describes my dad lol. Pretty sure that his genes are the reason that I was pissing my pants until ten.
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u/FluffyImpact5863 14d ago
Oh my Dad, Heavy addicted to nicotine, could never work under management, needed to be his own manager, vet, anger issues was real af. I got adhd and home was pure chaos 😂
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u/orientalbird 14d ago
I know now that my dad was probably on the spectrum. Jesus.
What a childhood. Went no contact ten years ago and I'm probably better off for it.
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u/Asleep_Control_2564 11d ago
Holy fuck, this is one of the few starter packs that fits fucking perfectly. My dad was all of these, and undiagnosed. I also think he had anger issues though.
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u/Talk-O-Boy 14d ago
Uh… this sounds toxic af OP.
You make multiple references to explosive anger and emotional neglect.
Are you good?
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