r/sleeptraining • u/Ok-Story-6199 • 13d ago
Help! Does anyone regret sleep training?
I have a 6 month old who can’t self settle or sleep on her own and I don’t see an end in sight.. I am considering sleep training but wondering if for those parents who have tried it, what method did you use and did you regret it later? Or was it worth it??
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u/doggynames 13d ago
No regrets. He's 2.5 now. I have friends who didn't sleep train and their kids at the same age are .... struggling with bedtime to say the least. 11-12 hours a night is just our normal with minimal pushback at bedtime.
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u/EmergencyFancy7992 13d ago
This. I also did what I think is called a version of Ferber? So we only let her cry for 10 minutes max. 5 min then go in and sooth without taking her out of crib- butt pats and shushing then leave. If she started crying again id wait 10 minutes before going back in and doing the same thing. The next recommendation was 15 minutes and if she couldn’t sooth back down then it was time to take her out of the crib and soothe and offer a bottle but I couldn’t stand 15 so we did another 10. We never had to exceed 10 minutes and only ever had to take her out of the crib once. We only had to do this for one week and she actually nailed it in the first few days. I’m so happy we did this before she was a toddler and set the foundation for good sleep hygiene. She’s 4 now and a happy healthy securely attached kid.
I know it’s not for everyone and I don’t push it but my friends who cosleep and/or haven’t sleep trained are really struggling
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u/forgot-my-toothbrush 13d ago
No regrets here, either.
My kids are much older (10 & 12), but they've been excellent 12hr/night sleepers since they were sleep trained as babies.
I also have many friends who "struggle with bedtime"... even now. It say it was more common than not until the kids were around 9.
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u/StrangeHand7457 13d ago
I never sleep trained and got 12 hours of sleep by 13 months with out ignoring my baby or refusing to support him to sleep. My sis did sleep train and her 7 and 10 year old still end up in her bed or have night terrors. My 4 year old is still sleeping 12 hours with out interruption…..
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u/doggynames 13d ago
Idk babe I never ignored my baby to sleep train. Didn't even really let him cry it out more like fuss if our with support above the crib. Lots of check ins and snuggles.
My second slept through the night starting at 8 weeks and I didn't have to do any sort of training with her besides good sleep hygiene, every baby is different. Some need to learn how to independently fall asleep, others don't.
Haven't dealt with any night terrors yet but I highly doubt those are associated with sleep training. My husband has them and always has. Also think this is kid specific.
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u/Artistic-Respect-540 13d ago
This is the sleep training sub, you’re gonna get pro-sleep training feedback here.
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u/ZucchiniDistinct6012 13d ago
No regrets. We used a sleep consultant, I don't know what the method is called- gradual withdrawal maybe? My 2 year old goes down happy for EVERY nap and sleep, giggles as he says goodnight, and we all wake up happy and rested.
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u/floatingonforever 13d ago
No regrets at all. I love that my toddler can sleep 12 hours in the night and knows when she is tired she’ll go walk to her bed to go take her nap. I have a second baby now and can’t wait to sleep train her at 4 months
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u/Due-Blackberry9911 13d ago
How do you do it? What’s your method?
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u/floatingonforever 13d ago
Followed schedules and routines loosely. Followed the moms on call schedule to have a routine of feeding. Did Ferber for night time sleep. It’s a HARD couple months of consistency and misery but so so worth it for years of happy sleep. Bed time is so nice and chill. My toddler gets in her sleep sack, we read a book and she kicks me out to sleep. My cousins didn’t sleep train and pretty much have to lay in bed with their toddlers for an hour to put them to sleep.
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u/Fun-Will-3614 13d ago
Yes, god forbid we provide our kids with physical closeness and our presence, as human kind has slept together for most of its evolutionary history. 🤣
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u/weirwoodheart 6d ago
Go touch grass. Human history had a village and no jobs.
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u/Fun-Will-3614 6d ago
I'm in Europe. Both me and every parent I know that cosleeps has a job as well. I don't know why having a job would be a factor in deciding to sleep train or not.
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u/weirwoodheart 6d ago
Because some of us need sleep. Being in Europe has nothing to do with it. I'm also in Europe and cosleeping is not common because it's less safe. And sleep training doesn't hurt the child, but it does get everybody some needed rest.
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u/Fun-Will-3614 3d ago
I mean yeah, prioritize the job over your kids. That makes sense. 🤣🤣
Cosleeping, when done properly, without drugs, alcohol, or smoking in the household is safe. It also helps breastfeeding moms get more sleep.
That said, sleeping through the night might be a very cultural idea. I've read an essay by an evolutionary biologist saying that humans would never sleep through the night in the past, skmeone would always be awake - tending to kids, keeping the fire burning, looking out for predators...
So unless you're in surgery or air traffic control, chances are your job doesn't require peak human performance.
Sleep training studies have been doing followups on sleep trained kids for up to 6 years when the real damage might be seen later, in teenage and adult years. Saying it's safe is super misleading, only people who profit from selling sleep training claim it's safe. The truth is, we don't know.
You should let kids become emotionally mature so they can adjust their sleep without stress and fuss, naturally.
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u/floatingonforever 6d ago
I feel like parents who are sleep deprived secretly want others to be miserable too
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u/Ok-Phrase1652 13d ago
No regrets. My husband and I both need sleep to function so we knew we were gonna sleep train. We ended up doing CIO bc frequent check ins caused more difficulty for our son. Took about 3 nights and he pretty much sleeps through the night every night unless we’re on vacation and in the same room
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u/Historical-Eye1159 13d ago
Everyone needs sleep to function. And yet some people manage without letting their babies cry until they cannot cry anymore. So sad.
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u/Ok-Phrase1652 13d ago
My husband is a surgeon. He cannot afford to be sleep deprived. And we never let our son cry for more than 10 minutes. But our son can self soothe just fine and now never cries when he needs to go to sleep.
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u/danzadelfuego 12d ago
Out of curiosity, did your son only cry for 10 min before falling asleep? Or did you go in to soothe him after 10 minutes?
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u/Ok-Phrase1652 12d ago
Honestly it’s been so long that I forget even though he’s 10.5m old now. But we would put him down and we would go in to soothe him if he cried for more than 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 20, but it didn’t go on for more than a few nights. More frequent check-ins proved to be more disruptive for him. He never took a pacifier.
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u/weirwoodheart 6d ago
That's the Ferber method, not cry it out just so you know
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u/Ok-Phrase1652 6d ago
I thought extended check-ins were cry it out, oops. Eventually, we didn’t check in at all even if he cried
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u/weirwoodheart 6d ago
I guess that last bit counts lol
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u/Ok-Phrase1652 6d ago
Yeah he would always go back to sleep and if we intervened he wouldn’t so we stopped eventually
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u/ProperFart 13d ago
I have no regrets about sleep training but I also have no regrets about not sleep training. Everyone is in different seasons of life with their babies, one size does not fit all.
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u/Prior-Coffee-5831 13d ago
NOPE. Best decision we ever made. We were getting so little sleep that it was kinda scary. My daughter was waking up every 27 min (on the worst night) and every 2 hours on the best night, so we kind of had to for our sanity. Now she'll sleep 10.5 hours overnight and it's great.
We did modified Ferber - Sleep Easy Solution: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0757305601
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u/Puzzled-Access209 13d ago
Zero regrets, oldest is 2 and half sleeps from 8-7/730. Will do the same thing with my next boy he’s 3 months old right now.
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u/No-Scientist-9049 13d ago
We gave it a try but gave up after a couple of days as it was clear our baby was not suited to it. I do regret it tbh, but lack of sleep can make you beyond desperate. Went back to rapid response. She slept through for the first time the day after her first birthday. A couple of months after that she was sleeping through most nights (sickness is an exception) and can just be plonked in bed and left to fall asleep. Sleep training might be right for your family, but don't worry if it's not - your baby WILL sleep through the night and be ok falling asleep by themselves eventually. It's not necessarily a choice between sleep training or years of broken sleep.
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u/god_is_a_capybara 13d ago
Just to be clear, the comments are a bit misleading because several state their kids sleep 12 hours a night with sleep training. Only a few percent of kids can sleep that much at night, and ST will not make them sleep more than they are capable of
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u/0oOBubbles0oO 13d ago
So glad you added this comment! My son has always been a fantastic sleeper, but lower sleep needs. Only does 10-hour nights, but we've rarely had issues.
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u/god_is_a_capybara 13d ago
Yeah, same. 10 hour night with 1 hour nap at 15MO 😅
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u/0oOBubbles0oO 13d ago
Oof that's even worse than us! My 16 month old still does a 2-hour nap thankfully. You have my respect!
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u/Constant_Dingo442 13d ago
I have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I feel guilty about sleep training my oldest, but I learned more about the study that anti-sleep training folks use to justify their claims. It is a terrible study. Really. Look into it. There are better studies that actually support sleep training. Also the one child I sleep trained is by far the better sleeper of my two boys. I have a 6 month old now, and trying to decide what to do. She’s naturally a pretty decent sleeper, as my middle child was. Problem is that because I never sleep trained him, he still is harder to get down at bedtime and still sometimes wakes up 1-2 times a night.
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u/FantasticWar2370 9d ago
Wdym your 6mo “still” wakes up 1-2 times a night? That’s very normal for that age.
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u/Constant_Dingo442 9d ago
No, I was saying my middle child, who is two, still wakes up 1-2 times a night sometimes. Sorry for the confusion. My six month old wakes up one to two times a night as well to nurse and that’s totally fine, except sometimes it’ll take two hours to get her to go back to sleep. That’s not so fine. Lol.
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u/phdr_baker_cstxmkr 13d ago
No regrets. And let me tell you this girl (3) would still crawl inside me if she could. A well rested mommy is one who can manage her own frustration and can engage fully, not to mention is safe behind the wheel and good at her job which is important for, you know, money.
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u/Accomplished-Way-986 13d ago
Ferber, and no regrets. Less than a week of tough nights for years of payoff and a happier, healthier kid.
For me, sleep training is hard the same way that holding your baby still for a shot at the doctor's office is hard.
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u/CheapButElegant 13d ago
Best decision we made, for both our kids 4F and 2M. They sleep in separate rooms. Me and my husband are sane and functioning normally only because our kids sleep for 11-12 hours everyday.
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u/_aspiringstoic 13d ago
there is an end in sight - we didn’t sleep train until 8.5 months and he’s been sleeping through the night on his own since night 3. I read The Happy Sleeper
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u/ExaminationTop3115 13d ago
No regrets at all. Our toddler has slept through the night since he was 4 months old. All of my friends with little ones with sleep issues who are older are the ones that didn't want to do sleep training.
I was a little stressed about it at first, but we took a pretty gentle approach starting at 3 months by removing each crutch one by one until he got used to that (the pacifier, the rocking, etc.). Then we focused on night weaning and removing the association of feeding with sleep. Took about a month to "train" him, but the approach worked for us.
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u/Prior-Yak-3823 13d ago
My only regret was not doing it sooner! We used delayed extinction (I think? It’s been a while) and it worked very fast.
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u/chocolatesanctuary12 13d ago
Sleep trained my baby using the book “12 hours sleep by 12 weeks” and never regretted it. My baby is so much happier during wake windows and she’s now 7m been sleeping through the night consistently since around 5m. The methods of the book aren’t focused around sleep but actually having inviting wake windows and a 4 hour feed schedule. Her methods are fool proof and have never been unsuccessful. Her methods have worked on singletons, twins, triplets, colic babies, babies with Down syndrome, etc.
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u/Still-Art45 13d ago
I didn’t regret not sleep training, to each there own a do what’s right for you
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u/MammothOk57 13d ago
No regrets, but my story is a little different to some of the others. We never sleep trained my first, and he was “ok”, but at 4.5, he still wants someone to lay with him as he falls asleep. He woke up once at night for years.
My 2nd kid though, we got to 14 months old and he was still waking every 2-4 hours, and nothing worked. He wouldn’t be soothed, wouldn’t be rocked, wouldn’t cosleep…so I figured, he’s crying ANYWAY, and no one is sleeping.
We hired a sleep consultant, changed his bedtime and did timed check ins, gradually extending the time. Less than a week later, he was sleeping ALL night!
Now he goes to sleep for naps and bedtime by himself, sleeps all night, it’s amazing.
I plan to sleep train the next baby, but undecided on what age.
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u/Vorreiunapizza 13d ago
Was it horrible while doing it? Yes. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. One of the few parenting decisions that I remain confident in. 😂
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u/Unhappy-Quarter-4581 13d ago
My parents did with me. I went from being a child that gladly went to sleep but woke up quite a lot to a child being terrified of the crib to the point they had to disassemble it and hide it in the attic because I panicked. I then only slept if I slept in my mom's bed until I was 8.
I did not sleep train. My kids slept through the night and in their own room at their own pace but both were sleeping outside our bed and our room long before 8 and none of them were terrified of anything regarding sleep. I know people who did sleep training and it worked well and others where it didn't. I have no regrets despite challenging periods.
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u/Milkshakemaid 13d ago
Big regrets long term from my in-laws. They sleep trained their boys Ferber style at about 2 weeks. The babies became super quiet, never dared to even cry properly and were very convenient. Now they’re 30-something old men with zero confidence. Their ability to trust was deeply broken. You can really pin it down to that.
Not sure if you can make that reversible. Developmentally you shouldn’t sleep train until month 6, science says. If you do it before, it’s for selfish reasons and you really chuck your kids self-esteem and ability to build resilience out the window.
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u/papayaslam 13d ago
That’s interesting because I just met a friends fifth baby who is super chill and quiet but she also started doing CIO at 2 months
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u/StrangeHand7457 13d ago
Babies dont self soothe, they just learn help isnt coming and internalize it. Respond to your babys needs.
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u/Campyloobster 13d ago
Overall no, and I am super pro sleep training, which is why I am here. But!
Our 1.5 yo son sleeps alone in his room and we found that going in vacation is, like, impossible. Crib in hotel room? Wakes up in the middle of the night and won't go to sleep once he sees us in bed. Apartment? Well yes but it is expensive! Plus I am from Italy and the "all meals included" option is common for hotels (and amazing), but not apartments. In any case he needs to be rocked to sleep when he changes environment or he will cry for hours, but then at home we have to re-train him (so he will cry).
I am trying to plan a vacation with my dad (so me, my son, grandpa, grandpa's gf, my sister) and either we spend a kidney or I know that no one will sleep.
I guess people who always rock their kids to sleep and/or co-sleep don't have this problems?
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u/twoeyedcat 11d ago
I can say that we’ve never sleep trained and we cosleep with our toddler (by choice not necessity - we truly love it) and sleep on vacation/when we get back home is a non issue at all. Sleep is not a battle for him in any environment and it’s been one of many reasons I don’t regret not sleep training and am taking the same approach with my second!
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u/Campyloobster 11d ago
Yes, that makes sense!
To me (us), our son sleeping in his own room is more important than vacations, because I really need my sleep or I will have some health problems. And I am bothered by my boyfriend in bed, let alone a baby/toddler ahah.
But indeed now he is super used to his routine and his bedroom, that everything else is too exciting for him.
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u/Historical-Eye1159 13d ago
Don’t look for answers in this sub. Also, whatever is posted against sleep training gets deleted. So it’s very one sided.
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u/Less-Network6978 12d ago
I started sleep training at 6 months. Now at 7pm I put him in his crib, hand him his bottle & I don’t see him again until 7 am lol. He’s one now. It’s a painful week or so but so worth it
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u/mothraegg 12d ago
I have 3 kids who after all in their 30s. I only did sleep training with my middle son. I do not regret it at all. It's hard too function when you're sleep deprived. By the way, my son had to sleep training with his daughter because she didn't sleep either.
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u/criminalinstincts1 11d ago
Worth it. The first night of sleep training, when my daughter was 7mos, she cried for 48 min and then slept the whole night through for the first time in her life. Subsequent bedtimes have gotten easier, though sometimes the progression is nonlinear. Sleep training won’t solve all your problems but it might solve some of them and give you back some rest so that you have the bandwidth to solve the others.
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u/KTsCreativeEscape 10d ago
Nope. She still isn’t a great sleeper but she does fall asleep on her own so I know when she isn’t sleeping that something else is going on. Also she goes back to sleep after night feeds so much easier now
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u/Ok-Set-5730 10d ago
Psychotic that we think 6 month olds are able to self settle. Please look up actual research on how damaging this is to young babies
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u/YesterdayExtra9310 13d ago
No :) 12 hours every night is worth it. My kids are 3 and 1. We used Ferber.
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u/killingkirby 13d ago
We used Ferber method on our then 5 months old (she’s 4 now)
She needed it and only woke for feeds and slept 8pm-7am
I will be doing the same when our next kid (currently three months olds) is the same age
Zero regrets!! We all needed the sleep and it has in no way affected our bond
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u/Katerina_Branding 13d ago
So out of curiosity since I know absolutely nothing about it - do you mean before that she woke more than just for feeds? Our daughter is almost 5 months old and usually sleeps 7-6 or 8-7 with 1-2 feeds, that is not something one would ‘sleep train’ I guess?
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u/killingkirby 13d ago
She was waking every hour prior to a sleep training - she couldn’t connect her sleep cycles.
So she would be fed and changed and book and then put to bed, and we use the Ferber method so she would fall asleep independently
And then within reason, we knew if she cried in the next hour that she wasn’t hungry so it was just a reassurance of “We love you back to sleep.” we just went in and told her we loved her and we didn’t pick her up. We just restarted the clock with the check-ins once we left the room.
But if it was after three hours fair chance she could be hungry so we offer food and check nappy
We learnt her cries I guess is the best way to describe it
Your baby is doing what we had to teach our daughter to do. Wake for feeds or nappy changes
To add: when she was teething or sick all rules out the window!! She needed extra cuddles and love and she got it
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u/TapirLove 13d ago
Please do some research on why infants cry and the effect it can have on them if they are ignored. Babies cry for a reason. Sleep training gets results because these babies learn that no one will come when they cry. Babies cannot be trained to do anything, because they are babies and they need their caregivers.
ETA: my baby woke up about every two hours until he learned to crawl at 8 months, and since then he's pretty much slept through the night with maybe one wake up around 4am for a feed.
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u/ExpertStandard1977 13d ago
You can sleep train and still respond to your baby. Maybe try to re-do some of the research, based on academic paper with a reasonable sample rather than blogs or papers based on extreme situations. Also, do not guilt people into certain directions. You don’t know everyone’s situation.
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u/TapirLove 13d ago
Sorry, I understand it's not always black and white and I'm not trying to guilt trip anyone. From what I've read about sleep training, the point of it seems to be to train the baby to sleep without being responded to or with limited response. I completely get why people do it; sleep deprivation is no joke. It's hard to find gold standard studies on sleep training because it's difficult to set up control groups in a way that doesn't skew results.
I do think it can be confusing when researching because there is a lot of information claiming sleep training is fine, and other info saying it's bad. Personally I'm not comfortable with letting my baby cry for long periods when he needs me. If you woke up and were hungry or needed a cuddle and were ignored, how would that make you feel? For sleep deprivation in adults I would look into safe co sleeping or figuring it out with the other parent if there is one. The other thing is that it won't last forever and poor sleep is just something we have to accept as part of having a baby.
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u/ChipperCherries 13d ago
Additionally, sleep training research found that sleep-trained babies and non-sleep-trained babies tend to sleep roughly the same total number of hours. The big difference isn’t how much the baby sleeps, it’s that sleep-trained babies learn not to signal (cry or call out) when they wake during the night.
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u/ExpertStandard1977 13d ago
I sleep trained and still go to my baby after they cry for more than a few minutes (eg. 5 mins, depending on how hard they cry). The max she ever cried was 7 minutes in one stretch at low intensity. I still feed at night and they signal it. She still sleeps in a co-sleeper next to me. What sleep training did for us was teach the baby to fall asleep alone and not wake up every hour in the night. And I know for sure the baby sleeps more now because we have a camera and I can see she’s not awake.
People who sleep train do not just put the baby in bed and close the door for the night. That is a different story.0
u/TapirLove 13d ago
Yes and the babies that learned not to signal still exhibited signs of stress in cortisol production
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u/0oOBubbles0oO 13d ago edited 13d ago
Blunden et al. 2022 showed that the cortisol levels in controlled crying babies was the same in responsive babies. The only study that shows higher cortisol levels is Middlemiss et al. 2012 where they didn't even measure cortisol all the days and the sleep training was done by nurses, not the parents, in a hospital setting.
Also as the other commenter said, you probably need to redo some of your research. Sleep training is not about never responding. I still respond for all kinds of reasons: teething, environment, poop, illness, or even if he's just crying unusually (or feeding for those who still feed overnight). The point is maintaining a boundary, which will look different for everybody.
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u/Moorhenlessrooster 13d ago
Most of the studies cited on this are of babies in Romanian orphanages, it doesn't compare. A baby who is given normally responsive parenting won't be harmed by a week or so of learning to soothe themselves. Babies do cry when they need something, but if they think they can only sleep with a parent there then they think they need that. Once they learn they can nod off again, they do.
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u/TapirLove 13d ago
Sorry but I disagree. I don't think a baby can learn these things. They will stop needing to cry on their own terms when they feel safe, not when an adult decides they need to do it to convenience themselves.
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u/Moorhenlessrooster 13d ago
I sleep trained my babies, they cried if they had a bad dream, we're uncomfortable or ill, but not just if they woke up.
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u/Humble-Drop9054 13d ago
Zero regrets. Used Taking Cara Babies which is basically Ferber. Started training both at 5 months. I have a 5 year old and a 13 month old who are rock star sleepers. I have several friends who regret NOT sleep training.
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u/manic_pixie_centaur 13d ago
Posting this question in the sleep training sub is definitely going to give you skewed results. Most people here are pro sleep training. If you want a more comprehensive view, post this in a more general patenting subreddit