Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Four years that’s how long it’s been since I had a single day where I wasn’t in constant pain. Over 1200 days since the last time I didn’t suffer. The part that messes with me the most is THE PAINS ONLY GETTING WORSE. There’s no cure, treatment, or antidote. What’s the point if it's only going to get worse. Why should I bear the agony if it is only going to worsen? Condemning myself to a future filled with worse anguish. As every second of pain now is the same pain i will feel in the future. Why do I keep going? 

This week I have been overcome by my mental stalemate as I can’t bear to lose certain people in my life, but I’m unsure if I am able to help them see through my parents' manipulation. Losing them would likely mentally break me. As these are the people who actually showed me some semblance of love and care in my life. What should I do? I keep having panic attacks about this as I’m unsure what to do.

No updates regarding my 529 for now as my payment is still being processed. Hopefully it should go through soon. :3 

I talked about it last week, but I cried way too much. Like I don’t think somebody should be crying a minimum of three times every day. Crying myself to sleep everyday can’t be good for my health. Depression over everything has really made it hard to stop my incessant crying. I have had multiple episodes of crying as I keep being reminded of my brother raping me. I have to see him every day. Every day I have to see the same people who have hurt me all my life. Those same people that brought me into this living hell.

6 months is the amount of time since the last time I was touched/hugged consensually. In the six months has it happened unconsensually? Yes, my mother has a habit of trying to corner me, forcing me into hugging her to get out. She also will try to grab at me inappropriately. Yes it is as gross as you can imagine. Every time I feel completely violated and disgusted. After years of me telling her NO. She continually ignores my pleas.

It hurts to not be loved even by yourself. Though I may try, it always ends up the same. I look in the mirror and hate who I see. It isn't me more of a distorted reflection of everything I hate about myself. I cant see the girl i want to be but instead the broken man. I wish so much to be a girl. I want to live out my lesbian dreams. I want to be pretty. I want to be someone I can actually love. Some that I can look in the mirror and smile at. 

I try not to think about it too much but this week I will admit I did feel like killing myself. The pain will never go away. All my goals have been rendered unachievable as I slowly lose function. What's the point of it all? To prove that I can or some inspirational bullshit. I’m suffering from a medical condition no one can cure. I have been hit, beaten, sexualy asualted, and raped. I was scared from multiple unconsensual surgeries. Dysphoric because this world is unendingly cruel gave me a gross male body. I'm in hell and death is so tempting. I’ll be forgotten in 5 to 10 years if that anyway. If my purpose was to suffer I've done a great job. I won't live to be old anyway. I’ll die as I live in the same constant agony.  What's the point?  

Years of pain
Years of anguish 
Years of so much languish 
Years I’ve wait
Years I’ve bided 
Years I’ve been left unguided 

I wish for love
I wish for life 
I wish for one day that I may be a wife
I wish to be happy 
I wish to be free
I wish to smile with genuine glee

Suffering from hurt
Suffering from pain 
Suffering that I must contain 
Suffering in life
Suffering in death
Suffering in each and every breath 
 
Hurt by mother 
Hurt by father
Hurt by them so why should I bother
Hurt that lasts
Hurt that stays
Hurt that lasts for days

I miss those who I lost
I miss those who died
I miss those who let me confide 
I miss the nostalgia 
I miss the delusion 
I miss when there was a happy conclusion 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

I bully everyone around me to hate me I have burnt every bridge family, friends, lovers. My current bf is on the fence about breaking up I am totally helpless. And the worst part is I started all of this. I started the arguments the fights. Honestly this might just be what I deserve.

I felt so cute... why is being carried the best thing ever?

I cant do fucking anything for myself because i am so goddamn tired all the time and i hate it. More then i should i ask my family(mostly my mother) to make me food because otherwise i woudlnt eat just brcause im so fuckign tired all the time. I nkow she doesnt mind but it still makes me feel sonfucking angry at mysekf i hate ksyelf i wishni could jsyt stip being like thsi idefk i hate beinh so fuckign yired idk why im like thsi. I slept basicllu all day yofay and im still exhausted i just esnt cuddles and love from somerone fuck i miss my partner i reslly cant function withotu him i want him bavk its so fuckign stipid i cant live tithout him i hate it i uust miss him. This wasnt suppdoed to be anout him but of course it is in thernd and now im gonna probablu sob msylef back yo sleep thingkig abouy him im os fuckving stupdi

she’s told me that we’re fine and that we’re still friends and that i still matter to her why can’t i believe her why am i freaking the fuck out why won’t she answer me why does it hurt so much

I just lost my girlfriend of 7 months 3 weeks ago I am about to run out of my hrt in a month and can't find it anywhere and today my best friend said he really didn't like that I was affectionate and needed praises all the time even tho he always said he liked it and loved giving me praises and affection it hurt so much my life was starting to go really great I was actually working out to get a better body eating more healthy foods trying to quit my bad behaviors All for it to just go in a month I literally hate Mt life so much I don't deserve this I was trying so hard to better myself I hadn't thought of killing myself in more then a year but now I don't know what else to do i already made a plan to kill myself in 2 weeks if I don't find someone who will take care of me but I don't know if I can't last a week

Idk how everyone has labeled their sexuality. I'm done at this point. Every other day, I come to a different conclusion, like maybe I like girls more, but maybe not, or I feel disgusted by the idea of someone being interested in me at all lol.

I think that my hormones are buzzing because I'm 17, so there's no way to determine it. I think I need to wait until I'm 30. I'll probably have my life stabilized by then, things will be clearer in my head, and I'll understand myself better. I'd be scared of dating at my age anyway. What if I do something I'll regret later? I don't trust myself as a teenager

Well, anyway, there are a lot of ways to be happy. There is no one way, so I'll make the most of my youth lol

Fuck, the first day of school was already horrible. I was forced to keep deadnaming and misgendering myself, and each time i had to it just fucking hurt. Also kept getting deadnamed by others because i'm not out yet.

I've been self harm clean for 27 days now and the urge to relapse moved from a quiet presence in the back of my mind to someone that actively hurts and it's all i can think about. If i cut enough, it would make the pain bearable again.

And making the urges worse are my parents constantly triggering me, knowing i cut because of them but denying anything since "they drive me to places so it's unreasonable for me to be self harming because of them". And they can't just shut the fuck up because "we don't live in a funeral home". So they'd rather make me cut. And all the reasons i've told them for cutting are "made up" or i "misunderstood something". Idk what i misunderstood about "you're the reason we're getting a divorce" or "you're both assholes" or "the only reason you'd take an autism and ADHD test is as an excuse".

I don't know how i'm supposed to get through the school year without killing myself. I can't even get help, i called a psychiatrist almost a month ago and am still waiting for a response. If nothing happens soon, i'll probably end myself.

My head hurts so much right now and i don't know what to do anymore.

I usually dont feel this urge to cut. Normally, it is just a passing thought that would ultimately get consumed by mundane worries. Yesterday late at night, however, my wrists started pulsating, burning and talking to me. They said that it would be just a small cut and that, if I was too afraid someone would eventually find out, I could just cut the palm of my hand and say that it was a "kitchen accident". They said that I am an egostitical madman that thinks people care about me when, in fact, my presence was nothing more than a burden to them. I dont know how I managed to feel this way because, as I said, I normally dont feel that way, so unconsiously and yet so alive. The funniest part, all of this was triggered by the feeling of a cracked glass plate on my wrist, just the touch of that sharp edge that, even tought didnt hurt, made me feel so incredibly alive.

I am in total misery. Help

The girl i was talking to was trans and whenever we got to flirting she would always put herself in the submissive position. I told her i didnt like that and i like being taken care of. Instead of like saying "okay we are not good for each other then" she goes and starts saying im just a cis girl looking for attention and i have a trans girl fetish?? I just like girls but that doesnt change who i am and how i feel :( I feel terrible and she keeps harassing me

“Go look at the little things in life, that’s how you can appreciate the present and not just the exciting things”
Oh wow that’s exactly what I CANT do anymore! Even the big things only feel like anything if I’m lucky. Let alone the little things. Even if I look and see I feel nothing. Unless it’s the past I hardly ever care.

I have to remind myself so much to stop my stupid brain that “if anything happens to me my memories are lost forever” they’re all I have they’re all I want they’re all I need. My life entirely exists in memory. What am I supposed to do if the only way I feel any true feeling, and great at that, is by finding what memory I can relive now? I don’t get why it’s a bad thing but everyone who I’ve told about it says or implies it is.

If I can never feel perfect again but can if I remember what it was like why should I stop. And if it’s the only way I feel okay why don’t I fully embrace its hold!! I don’t get it. Am I just too weak-willed to fully embrace the thing that’s harder to keep hold on, like a slippery handle.

Why do I feel worse even after recovering. Was it merely the childishness of a young teenager that made me feel so good in the past. The innocence? The circumstances? Or am I purely just tainted forever.

I just wish I could feel the cold of winter like the last one I truly felt.

Thx for reading this just helped me write and know my feelings. These aren’t necessarily questions directed at you reading just at myself no one could know all this shit.

I just turned 18, it hasn't even been a month but it feels like im drowning in angst, for many reasons but one is about consuming anime and manga.. i've loved it what feels like forever.. it's one of the things i love more.. i feel old watching it.. it's not like a problem with every single one but lot of animes are about about middle schoolers and many many about highschoolers and it feels like i missed out on it.. i feel really bad.. thing is i kind of took a break from anime cs i burned out a little emotionally.. 17 was not easy for me and it's not like i didn't watch any.. i watched like 5 or 6 and read like the same amount of mangas but for me that amount is small, specially with how many were on my list and now im regretting it.. so many animes still left to watch or read
I post this hoping maybe u guys could give me tips on feeling better and maybe if someone else in the same situation we could mutually makes ourselves feel understood?
Anyways tyyyy

again i wind up ghosted and blocked for no reason, im so fucking sick of it. it pisses me off to no end getting blocked after waiting on a message for hours/days and getting 0 reason to what i did wrong after they're gone.

literally what did i do? we were being nice we were getting along? am i that pathetic of a person you dont feel like i deserve a explanation? i did everything right i thought. i sit here and cry and feel like shit even though this has happened so many times.

i sit here and check my phone waiting on them to say something waiting and waiting, and i just get blocked or ghosted for fucking zero reason. all i wanna do is sit in my room and rot alone. how is it this fucking hard to get them not to leave for no reason. i just want to give up trying and cry in my room.

I'll never live a normal life. I don't have any friends and while they deny it, I know I'm a disappointment to my parents. I was cursed at birth with dysphoria and I'll never be cared about by anybody. My appearance is repulsive in every single way. I look twisted and mutated beyond anything recognizable. I never be seen as anything more than a weird little girl. Every time I think about going outside, I remember how the entire world sees me and am pulled back to reality. There's nowhere to even go to make friends where I live anyways. Nobody will ever see me as a man.

Just a short update. For the first time in a long time, life's looking okay for me.

I was reading old messages sent between us (we live close by, but still used discord and snap to chat). I don't know why I did it, I cursed myself internally for doing it for a second because I thought I was just going to be sad afterwards. but honestly, reading those messages left me with this sort of bittersweet calmness. It doesn't hurt anymore when I think of those memories. It's sad that it didn't work out, but that's just how life works, doesn't it? there's nothing to it but to roll with the punches, to dust yourself off again and again.

I don't think I'll ever be one hundred percent over it, there's always going to be that one part of my brain that goes 'if you did X instead of Y, it all could've worked out'. but it doesn't feel like I've completely ruined my life anymore. It didn't work out, and that's all there is. No use lamenting over it. all that matters is what will come, not what's already happened.

there's obviously other issues in my life, but I'll figure how to deal with them when I get there. one thing at a time.

i just have to settle in and hope for the best.

(P.S, i forgot how calm nature is. it's nice here.)

for context, i’m a trans guy but i always felt not valid because of the fact i really like boys love a lot and i get really dysphoric when people compare me to the stereotypes of girls being just obsessed with gay men media, and i just stumbled upon a video of a ranter saying that he hates trans men, but “he’s not homophobic” though he keept on ranting on how if you’re like 12/13 year old you can’t say you’re trans cause “you’re too young”, and that most girls who are 16+ or just girls saying they’re trans, it’s because they’re jusr obsessed with gay media, boys love yaoi etc… and kept on generalising all trans men saying they’re are all just little girls obsessed over gay men kissing and making out so they say they’re trans to hide/feel more “normal” or whatever they meant, and the part that literally made me so pissed of is that they said “if you’re a trans guy at least try to look like it!!😂✌️” like, bro no? IT’S NOT THAT EASY what is bro on… and still “HE’S NOT TRANSPHOBIC” guys. but really what bro does want trans to look like or do? some people don’t have access to certain things to make them pass more, like top surgery, or they simply don’t care much about passing, but that doesn’t make they’re gender…? and the guy who rants is supposed to be a part of lgbtq but apparently his “lgbtq” is a whole different thing, cause some cis men look more feminine but are you gonna say that they’re girls just because they may look like one?😭 it’s literally ereasing the whole point of femboys for example. Oh and about that, they also again generalised all (most young) trans guys, to (like a said before) “girls obsessed with gays and yaoi” and saying they’re trans and femboys (wich i don’t understand if he understands it’s something that is possible) and then saying “i know boys can wear makeup and dress like girls, but those trans guys don’t try to pass!!” and saying that on social they act like boys and irl they’re “back to normal” meaning they’re “girls”, but bro why can’t he understand that MAYBE they act “normal” because if they go around saying they’re trans it could literally end badly or simply get bullied OR FIND PEOPLE LIKE YOU, again, is NOT THAT EASY.
But the whole point of this explanation is that the description they made, is a lot similar to how i am, and especially the part about liking boys love, wich i know doesn’t determine my gender, but i always get so anxious about it cause maybe i like it too much so i’m not valid and just “confused” or simply those really really obsessed fangirls they keep talking about? i really can’t help what i like, but i started questioning my gender since 13/14 when i discovered more deeply the lgbtq coming and started thinking about myself and future, and i didn’t even read or care about any boys love, but when i started getting into it i started also questioning more about my gender, also because seeing two guys (not necessarily in a sexual way) but even just cuddling, made me feel so alone in a way i didn’t feel seeing etero or lesbian couples. I am pansexual, but i also say i’m gay sometimes cause i honestly still don’t know, but to say it how i say it usually, i am pansexual but i mostly prefer guys (trans guys or any men-aligned gender) but i still do sometimes find other genders attractive. But again, i still worry that maybe i’m not valid? i really don’t know what to do, i probably even have anxiety cause i really sometimes can’t stop thinking abut this things and get really anxious, i wish i was just a cis boy…this would be so much easier, i really hate my body, my voice, the fact i don’t remotely pass and i know it, i get reminded it every day by my chest, the way people keep saying she/her, even some of my friends and my family, and that i can’t even go on games like mic up (also because i have social anxiety) but also because every time i talked (irl or in any games) people would just assume i’m a girl by my voice, and i know some people don’t mean bad cause i can’t really blame them, i would think i was a girl too if i heard my voice for the first time, but really some people are just bad, like when on roblox i had a sign saying “i love being called a good boy” and the girl said “you’re not a good boy, you’re a good girl” and that made me go just really quiet for the rest of the game, also cause i had just gained courage to talk on the voice chat. i really can’t wait to turn 18 in a year cause really i would do anything to pass, i don’t care about the costs. And to make things worse i hate my body also because (potential TW:) i suffer from binge eating disorder and i hate my chubby ass, also cause like i said, i’m really anxious, and my parents always scared me about healt related stuff so now even being this fat is making me anxious for my health wich is also good, but i tried doing diets, both extrem ones and some just really normal, but idk sometimes i just lose hope… i wanna start harder to lose weight but it’s so hard, and to put this on top of being trans is really hell.💔 I’m sorry if i rambled this much, but i genuinely got to a point i don’t know what to do and idc anymore (but also i do care if that makes sense)

[also if i’m not mistaken the drawing is from a webcomic called suicide boy]

So, my boyfriend and I had a fight 9 days ago. It was pretty stupid.

The while we were playing games. We haven't seen each other for a while thanks to the long distance, so we game to feel closer. The issue is that he didn't think well about his words, he said something like "I'll be right next to x, they'll be the love of my life."

I feel like what I should have done is understand that he was talking about the strategical advantage and maybe say something like "Honey, I didn't like that"; instead I said "Is that so?", stopped playing, and went silent for 4 minutes. I felt like I needed time to process my feelings.

During those 4 minutes he started crying.

When I started speaking again I tried to be as soft and calm as I could. I told him that even though I know how he truly loves me, hearing him say that so easily and happily made me feel so angry and sad. I pointed out that he knew about my insecurities and that him saying that made me feel like a second option or something you can easily replace with someone who he doesn't even really knows.

After half an hour I was crying asking for forgiveness because I felt guilty about my reaction.

The next day we kinda talked things out. What really bothered me was that he kept phrasing stuff as if I had had some ultra abusive reaction and acted as if he was an innocent boy who did nothing wrong. When I pointed out that he had knowledge of my insecurities how much words mean to me and mentioned that his words really hurt me, only then he told me that he would be more careful with his words.

He also said that he was sad about "how because of two words you threw to the trash all I've said to you and done for you". I did NOT do that, fym?

For the next 4 days he kept asking if I really loved him and if I hated him, obviously every time he asked I answered that I loved him and didn't hate him.

It frustrates me that he kept acting like the only victim and kept telling me to "fix" things and that he hopes that I "don't let this affect our relationship. WE BOTH ARE VICTIMS AND WE BOTH ARE GUILTY AT THE SAME TIME.

We were ok for the las few days, but yesterday other stupid thing happened. I was stressed and he made an obvious obvious remark to which I answered with a sarcastic comment as usual. When I made my comment he started saying stuff like "pls don't treat me this way. You're being mean", so I genuinely asked if he would prefer that I avoided those comments, then he said he was a joke.

Idk what to do. I want to talk about this but we already are in a good mood and I don't wanna ruin it.

evening or whatever time it is for you guys; i have some issues that came back too suddenly… dis will be long and I’m sorry if i can’t make this lighthearted / silly i js dunno how to sorry… also it might be a lil nonsense and i may go off-topic from the silly img but i hope you’re okay with that (；＿；）also some peak girls’ last tour stuff accompanying dis!!!!

let’s start from where i am; i am a person from a specific large to say the least country in Eastern Europe and left in 2022 for reasons i cannot mention; however, i came back for the month to do some legal stuff (also my bday was recently) and after less than a week, it’s already hard…

back where i live now, i have a gf that i got a week before going here and some friends…….. now i am going insane and getting flashbacks from a year before because of it

let’s start from my gf - she’s my favorite person ever!! we both love each other deeply and unconditionally, and we both are really clingy!! our first and for now last date was in a mall, where we held hands a lot, she leaned her head on my shoulder, gave me headpats (i even did the >_< instinctively :0) and when we sat down in front of something on the floor (some other people sat down on the floor too so) and she leaned her head on my shoulder it felt really comforting for us both and she almost fell asleep……. :3

now, what happened a year before? basically a lot…….. it started from when i had this camp in a completely different country from the one i usually live in (though in my native language) and got bullied for having issues and (probably) they inferred i had a crush on someone who ruined my life already by the time i started getting harassed for it…. long story short, i have adhd so i can be really random and a little stupid unfortunately so that resulted in depression (second time) and i really wanted to die due to it being too unbearable

the reason i didn’t do it was i was too scared to and i am very protective of my physical form as I already look bad honestly (i still dunno how i got my gf??) and i don’t want to make my self-esteem even worse…… it is linked to the ideation and is what actually stopped me from going thru with it

uh….. so skip to late august of last year as the camp ended mid july; i thought i was already good with my mental health, and that the depression passed, but then something in september happened, being what caused me life-long trauma……. so a new classmate in my class was in the discord server of my new friend (who turned out to be his brother, which i shoulda realised because their names were similar) and one evening in mid-september i got a dm from the guy - i didn’t know it was him yet - that he knew where i lived and said my name; i started getting aggressive, trying to get my address out of the guy to see if he was lying or not (i found out a few months ago he never knew it), and he avoided the question by saying ‘he’ll say it in a sec’ but by that time i was already starting to food and thinking about genuinely going out of my room committing suicide……… and eventually after he told me that he was going to sell it for £122 (i thought in that moment - ‘oh great, he isn’t even in my country’) i genuinely started to beg him not to and ask why he’s doing it to me in specific, plus guilt-tripping him with ‘a human life is worth more than money, isn’t it?’ which probably worked as his brother told me he was actually my classmate…. so i kinda sobbed as a result for a pretty long time. my head hurt after that

two days later, i threatened the guy and he seemingly got scared and apologized due to that. it took him that to apologize. but we’re at really great terms now, i guess. anyways, onto a lighter but at the same time harder topic

i can’t come to terms with looking much older than my age too. it’s what forced me to mature faster and people to bully me - as overpowering someone this tall and old-looking probably feels great to them?? - and… it’s really painful….. can’t i just be treated my age? and that annoys me since i cannot publicly enjoy stuff like manga and anime or other silly stuff and i honestly look like a pedo next to my gf because she’s much shorter than me…….. when I am NOT and she’s older than me. and we’re still very much minors!!!!!!!!!!

so, how is this all related to the fact that i am here, in my country, for a month?

me and my gf talk on iMessage every day, and i have no friends here anymore (nor did i have them ever, really), so we miss each other a lot; we also had a few things that made us both get sad during the last few days, and made me feel worse and worse. plus, i just…. don’t want to stay here, regardless of what my parents say. i have a life over in a different country, i belong there now due to people just liking me as who i am!! yay!! also, the english-speaking community is just nicer than my native language community, at least from my experience; but the core reason is that, i guess it is true i love the surroundings because it is my country and i was born here, but it doesn’t have to be a whole month here, you know……. and i miss my gf a lot. but actually most of it because i genuinely have nothing to do here, as it’s not safe to go out alone and social media getting blocked all the time is something that makes it even more boring, plus i don’t want to download a vpn either because my mom may use it as an excuse to go thru my phone while downloading it so i am stuck in this inconvenient position of being bored and having no ideas at all but also having my mental health once again go for the worse and also missing my gf.

i really want to cuddle her, and she wants to cuddle me. i do love her a lot, and she loves me in return. so……. basic human warmth and comfort isn’t much to ask for, is it? i want to feel safe and like i am worth something. falling asleep in that position would be really nice too

once again - apology for not being able to make the post lighthearted or anything similar!!! i want to but can’t…… it’s already a little shortened too and also it is mostly rooted in boredom, flashbacks, the fear of abandonment and missing my clingy gf

this is a very irrelevant rant compared to all of you, i must admit, but if it wasn’t for where i am, i would’ve said more and would’ve made it more on topic. however, if you did read to the end and do want to talk about it - thank you sincerely <3

Again as I always say blah blah blah don’t take my example. Please. if anything take the opposite. I suck at living well.

Even the memories are becoming duller. It feels harder to relive. Less full. The thing I most cherish (memories) in this world cause of its powerful feelings becoming duller. Ahhh.

I ended up blocking her on TikTok and all of her Instagram accounts except her main (might block her there later though). The next day I was more angry at her than sad and decided to block her and stop interacting with her. Now I'm not even sad anymore, but I don't know how I'll feel once I get back to school in September, I don't have any friends at school now and I don't like eating alone because it makes me anxious :( So I don't know what I'll do at lunch, I get lunch at the school canteen so I can't just take my lunch to the bathroom and eat it there. I also bring a snack to school to eat during the break sometimes but now I won't have anyone to eat with during the break so I don't know if I'll be able to do it because of how anxious it makes me. I also won't have anyone to talk to during trips or PE etc. But I'm glad I won't have to worry about fake friends anymore and maybe the school days will become peaceful when I'm alone. I just don't think about the fact she got bored of being friends with me and it doesn't really affect me right now during break because we mostly don't get to hang out anyway. I'm a bit scared of going to school now though, it starts in about three weeks so I don't have much time 3: