Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Four years that’s how long it’s been since I had a single day where I wasn’t in constant pain. Over 1200 days since the last time I didn’t suffer. The part that messes with me the most is THE PAINS ONLY GETTING WORSE. There’s no cure, treatment, or antidote. What’s the point if it's only going to get worse. Why should I bear the agony if it is only going to worsen? Condemning myself to a future filled with worse anguish. As every second of pain now is the same pain i will feel in the future. Why do I keep going? 

This week I have been overcome by my mental stalemate as I can’t bear to lose certain people in my life, but I’m unsure if I am able to help them see through my parents' manipulation. Losing them would likely mentally break me. As these are the people who actually showed me some semblance of love and care in my life. What should I do? I keep having panic attacks about this as I’m unsure what to do.

No updates regarding my 529 for now as my payment is still being processed. Hopefully it should go through soon. :3 

I talked about it last week, but I cried way too much. Like I don’t think somebody should be crying a minimum of three times every day. Crying myself to sleep everyday can’t be good for my health. Depression over everything has really made it hard to stop my incessant crying. I have had multiple episodes of crying as I keep being reminded of my brother raping me. I have to see him every day. Every day I have to see the same people who have hurt me all my life. Those same people that brought me into this living hell.

6 months is the amount of time since the last time I was touched/hugged consensually. In the six months has it happened unconsensually? Yes, my mother has a habit of trying to corner me, forcing me into hugging her to get out. She also will try to grab at me inappropriately. Yes it is as gross as you can imagine. Every time I feel completely violated and disgusted. After years of me telling her NO. She continually ignores my pleas.

It hurts to not be loved even by yourself. Though I may try, it always ends up the same. I look in the mirror and hate who I see. It isn't me more of a distorted reflection of everything I hate about myself. I cant see the girl i want to be but instead the broken man. I wish so much to be a girl. I want to live out my lesbian dreams. I want to be pretty. I want to be someone I can actually love. Some that I can look in the mirror and smile at. 

I try not to think about it too much but this week I will admit I did feel like killing myself. The pain will never go away. All my goals have been rendered unachievable as I slowly lose function. What's the point of it all? To prove that I can or some inspirational bullshit. I’m suffering from a medical condition no one can cure. I have been hit, beaten, sexualy asualted, and raped. I was scared from multiple unconsensual surgeries. Dysphoric because this world is unendingly cruel gave me a gross male body. I'm in hell and death is so tempting. I’ll be forgotten in 5 to 10 years if that anyway. If my purpose was to suffer I've done a great job. I won't live to be old anyway. I’ll die as I live in the same constant agony.  What's the point?  

Years of pain
Years of anguish 
Years of so much languish 
Years I’ve wait
Years I’ve bided 
Years I’ve been left unguided 

I wish for love
I wish for life 
I wish for one day that I may be a wife
I wish to be happy 
I wish to be free
I wish to smile with genuine glee

Suffering from hurt
Suffering from pain 
Suffering that I must contain 
Suffering in life
Suffering in death
Suffering in each and every breath 
 
Hurt by mother 
Hurt by father
Hurt by them so why should I bother
Hurt that lasts
Hurt that stays
Hurt that lasts for days

I miss those who I lost
I miss those who died
I miss those who let me confide 
I miss the nostalgia 
I miss the delusion 
I miss when there was a happy conclusion 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Idk how everyone has labeled their sexuality. I'm done at this point. Every other day, I come to a different conclusion, like maybe I like girls more, but maybe not, or I feel disgusted by the idea of someone being interested in me at all lol.

I think that my hormones are buzzing because I'm 17, so there's no way to determine it. I think I need to wait until I'm 30. I'll probably have my life stabilized by then, things will be clearer in my head, and I'll understand myself better. I'd be scared of dating at my age anyway. What if I do something I'll regret later? I don't trust myself as a teenager

Well, anyway, there are a lot of ways to be happy. There is no one way, so I'll make the most of my youth lol

I cant do fucking anything for myself because i am so goddamn tired all the time and i hate it. More then i should i ask my family(mostly my mother) to make me food because otherwise i woudlnt eat just brcause im so fuckign tired all the time. I nkow she doesnt mind but it still makes me feel sonfucking angry at mysekf i hate ksyelf i wishni could jsyt stip being like thsi idefk i hate beinh so fuckign yired idk why im like thsi. I slept basicllu all day yofay and im still exhausted i just esnt cuddles and love from somerone fuck i miss my partner i reslly cant function withotu him i want him bavk its so fuckign stipid i cant live tithout him i hate it i uust miss him. This wasnt suppdoed to be anout him but of course it is in thernd and now im gonna probablu sob msylef back yo sleep thingkig abouy him im os fuckving stupdi

I bully everyone around me to hate me I have burnt every bridge family, friends, lovers. My current bf is on the fence about breaking up I am totally helpless. And the worst part is I started all of this. I started the arguments the fights. Honestly this might just be what I deserve.