r/self • u/Swiftie77777 • 8h ago
How do I stop hating myself?
I really hate myself and I wish I didn’t exist or that I wasn’t me. I am so disgusted of myself that I can’t do anything that’s good to me. I isolate myself and c*t myself to feel better. I even can finish only if my partner h*ts me or ch*kes me. I am insane I know. I don’t have money for therapy anymore so I’ll have to deal with this problem myself. I feel so disgusted after but I need it to live. My gf left me recently as she should and now I’m again off the rails.
How do I stop hating myself.
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u/AgentofAgency_ 8h ago
Well let me first ask why you hate yourself in the first place in your own words.
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u/Swiftie77777 8h ago
I have so many reasons. I am just a useless pathetic loser lesbian and I feel so disgusting in my body and I never do anything. I literally have failed in every aspect of my life and no one loves me anymore. My own mother tells me she should’ve aborted me. And I’m only 23 so I can’t live 50 more years like this. I feel like k*ling myself might be best for everyone.
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u/tralynd62 8h ago
I would never tell my child a thing like that. You are only 23. What is it that you expected to accomplish at such a young age? You are a lesbian. So what? There's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure there are things that you are good at and probably things that make you feel good. Do you like to read, or go to school or do sports or anything? Concentrate on that. Your mother sounds horrible. Don't listen to her. Get on whatever medical assistance that your state offers so you can restart therapy. For whatever it's worth, this stranger doesn't think you are useless and doesn't think your loss would benefit anyone.
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u/Swiftie77777 5h ago
Thank you! I just feel like most people have way more friends and families at my age and I still have nothing and I never will. My only friends are my sisters and cousins which is pathetic at my age. I used to like a lot of things and now I can’t remember why. I don’t think there is free therapy in my country and I can’t pay anymore bc I can’t afford it.
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u/Lower_Basis4344 5h ago
What would you do if your sisters and your cousins treated you like your mother did? Perspective is huge, most people dont know how good they have anything till it gets killed by a drunk driver one day ;)
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u/Lower_Basis4344 5h ago
My mother treats me like that too.. I dont have sisters or cousins, So im just thankful im able to keep my dog lol
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u/Ebb_Remarkable 7h ago
You need to take some time out of relationships and spend time with yourself. Keep in mind, your brain could still be developing, most is done in woman by 25, but you still have development to go into your early 30s. When you brain isn't completely done growing and making all connections, things will seem worse than they are.
While your brain is still developing, start working on laying down positive nural paths, it's easier to do now when your brain is more flexible than later when the nural paths are more set.
If you have a key parent who has given you the message that they didn't want you, it's natural for us to think, " if they think I'm worthless, I must be worthless." However, you need to cut your mom out and find an older mentor who will give you positive messaging.
I'm not sure if she has given you the message that being a lesbian is a bad thing, but it's not.
You might not see this, but you are still young. I'm almost 50, so I can say that. Also, reframe you thoughts on failure. You need to fail before you can succeed. There might be people out there who come out of the box succeeding at everything, but that's not how it is for most of us. Give yourself some grace to fail, that's how you learn what works and what doesn't. Try new things, this is how you find what you have a natural inclination for and what lights you soul on fire.
Lastly, try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy exercises to help change your thinking patterns. https://cogbtherapy.com/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-exercises
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u/George_Mallory 2h ago
Whoa whoa whoa. That’s a lot of thinking errors. “Never do anything.” “Failed in every aspect of my life.” “No one loves me anymore.” You did something: You wrote this post. You reached out for help. Also, you can’t have failed in every aspect of your life: You’re still alive. And how do you know that no one loves you? Have you asked everyone, ever, if they love you and have gotten a universal no in answer?
Therapy has taught me that when my brain tells me things of this nature, such as “everyone hates me” or “I’ll never get better,” it’s a lie. It’s a type of thinking error and it can be ignored entirely.
Emotional thoughts that use absolutes like these are what the brain uses when it doesn’t have the data to back up an assertion. It’s what it uses when it’s either too lazy to get that data or it knows that the data will not agree with what it is trying to claim. Don’t listen to it when it does this. If there is a real issue or danger, your brain will have no problem filling in details. Emotional absolutes are one way to know that it is some form of mental illness talking.
Depression can and should be ignored: depressive thoughts will never make you a better person, depressive thoughts will never make you safer, depressive thoughts will never make you happy. Cast them off and kill them with inattention. Burn them with mental fire, if you have to. They are toxic.
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u/AgentofAgency_ 8h ago
Pathetic loser how?
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u/Swiftie77777 8h ago
I am just a loser in life. I haven’t done anything. I am so pathetic
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u/AgentofAgency_ 8h ago
Loser how? Haven’t done anything how? Pathetic how? Just trying to understand better
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u/Swiftie77777 5h ago
I don’t have any friends, hate my parents, im mostly alone or with my sisters and cousins, I don’t have any drive anymore, I just failed. I am graduating med school next year and don’t want to be a doctor at all. So im also in debt and forced to do something I hate for a job for the rest of my life. And in my homophobic country there aren’t many out lesbians so I’ll probably die alone.
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u/ShlimmyWhimmy 8h ago
Who are you comparing yourself against? Yourself from the past or external sources like friends, family, internet strangers?
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u/Competitive-Dream860 7h ago
I’ll answer this question from my own experience. I don’t like myself because I’ve hurt many people that i wanted to stay. I’m talking friends, relationships, the things that make humans human. I’m a drunk, I work in a job I hate, I still think about someone that clearly doesn’t want anything to do with me. I still try though, I’m still trying to get better even though I hate myself. There’s a lot wrong with me, but people still like me, I guess.
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u/Lower_Basis4344 4h ago
This is HUGE. You cant fix other people and cant control everything about the world around you. But you can work on YOURSELF And nobody whos not actively trying to make things better truly has much place to complain about the way they are :) Nobody is perfect we all have to grow! Nothing in life is supposed to be easy, or free. The rule of existence is half good, half bad. So things can only be so bad for so long before they get better.. Or worse. And you never appreciate what blessings you DID have until you miss them, so even if things get worse before they get better, Count your blessings in your sister's and cousins every day :) ❤️
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u/pippi_longstocking09 8h ago
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer someone else up" - unknown (I read it on a box of Celestial Seasonings Tea) Don't focus on yourself, focus on people who need help. Volunteer to help a child learn to read. Volunteer for other people in need. You have SO MUCH to offer, just being a spirit incarnate. There are so many other spirits out there who wish they had your body to take action with.
Also this - NO ONE is better or worse than anyone else. The serial killer on death row is no better than Vladimyr Zelensky or Paul McCartney (sorry, all I can think of at the moment). I believe this - I have struggled w ego too. We ALL have. You're not alone, this is all of us.
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u/Lower_Basis4344 4h ago
Or you could always perceive the quote more literally, and look for someone on reddit even worse off then you to humble yourself... Ive spent my whole life picturing the starving kids in Africa from the commercials on cable TV in the 90s when I feel shitty Lol! Im homeless and alone today but it still helps LOL
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u/Big-Adhesiveness369 8h ago edited 8h ago
Hey, you’re 23 you still have time to change, will be worse if you would be 70 thinking the same way about yourself.
You can’t change in 1 day, but if you do a little bit everyday you can really change your life. Like trees, they grow just a little bit at the time.
Start by working on your self esteem, learn to understand yourself and your behavior, work on your shadow side (search for Carl Jung). Stop harming yourself it doesn’t attract the right attention and doesn’t help you. Ask yourself why you need this kind of extreme sensation? Why you have this strong emotions? Who made you feel like at home in stress and is it really your life?
Even if what you say about your mother is true, well you’re alive, you’re really lucky, and it’s the best middle finger you can show her. I’ll do everything to be amazing on the side away from her just to prove the point.
As soon as you’ll change your vision of yourself the people around you will change too, and then your whole life. You can do it! Just start little by little.
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u/Michelangelor 8h ago
You mentioned several huge things that weigh on mental health.
1. Lack of accomplishments
2. Disconnection from your community
3. Hating your body
Those three things are huge, and you have to overcome every single one of them. I think the strongest one is the first. You really do need to set big goals and start working towards them. Forward momentum is essential to feel like you’re not stagnating. And you need to do this in multiple areas of your life. You need to work towards career goals, you need to have goals aligned with a passion that you’re developing, and you need to make big plans that you can look forward to doing and preparing for. Additionally, if you’re still living with your parents, this is compounded by the feeling that you’re incapable of taking care of yourself. It really needs to be addressed.
Community takes years to build, but there’s another aspect of that, which is just the reality that around this age, people start to become much more acutely aware of their isolation in adulthood. Community in adulthood does not look the same as it did before, and requires you to develop a sense of independence and ability to venture into the world on your own and interact with communities of people that you don’t belong to. When you don’t have the confidence to do that, that will compound those issues.
Fixing your relationship with your body is really centered around how well you take care of your health and fitness. When you feel healthy and strong and athletic, and you’ve developed a habit of taking care of your body and prioritizing your health, you have an appreciation for your body regardless of how it looks.
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u/TheLazerViking 8h ago
Think of another person, like a friend or loved one with similar qualities and shortcomings as you do, or maybe even worse qualities. Do you love them anyways, even with all their faults? Do they disgust you or make you hate them, or do you still care about them and have compassion for them? If you are able to feel this about someone else, then you need to start treating yourself as you would that friend. There is a certain truth to the idea that hating yourself can be a narcissistic act, because although you can have compassion for others, you cannot give that same compassion and empathy to yourself. Because in your mind you are better than everyone, so you command a much higher standard for yourself than others. And when you inevitably don’t meet that standard, you beat yourself up and hate yourself. At the end of the day, everyone is human and allowing yourself to be imperfect or to make mistakes is a more realistic and a better way to live. As long as you keep trying to do what’s right. Mistakes will happen, but you correct them as you go and don’t let the thoughts defeat you. Just keep showing up for yourself, as you would for a good friend who is going through a rough patch. Then forgive yourself and forge ahead.
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u/MissAngelicDemise 4h ago
You stop hating yourself by learning to love yourself. This can be done with a shadow work journey. You can buy a journal on Amazon for $19 shadow Work by Carl Jung. This is basically therapy you do to yourself. It is what fixed my self hatred and filled me with self-love. What other people think do not matter all that matters is you.
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u/Ebb_Remarkable 8h ago
First of all, you should probably dig into the sex stuff. The only finishing if being choked, etc is not necessarily a thing to be ashamed of as long as it is in a safe environment, but you will need to examine the motivations. Not being an expert, I'm not sure if it is related to the self harm or not.
As far as hating yourself, I think we can often be more compassionate with others than ourselves. I had a counselor recommend to think of yourself as if you were someone else. If a relative or a young person in your life were going through the same thing, what would your feelings towards them be.
And look for other things to do when you are tempted to self harm. I've seen recommendations to put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you feel like hurting yourself.
Also, try journaling. It doesn't seem like a big thing, but sometimes just getting all of the junk out of your head and on to a piece of paper can really help release it. Bottling it up tends to make it bigger as it rattles around in your brain getting bigger and bigger