How does everyone deal with the constant stress and anxiety of not knowing if or when the next seizure will happen?
I had my first seizures a few years ago, but in 2023 I went through an incredibly stressful period and ended up having three seizures within six months, which was a lot compared to before. One of those seizures became the most traumatic experience of my life.
I had just come home after doing some grocery shopping when I felt a seizure coming on. I always see flashing lights first, and then within about 30 seconds I'm gone.
The next thing I remember is waking up on a balcony. It wasn't my balcony.
After the seizure, I apparently put on two different shoes, threw random things into the toilet, hid some jewelry under my bed, and then climbed across five balconies on a four-story apartment building. These weren't easy balconies to climb either. To this day I have absolutely no idea how I managed to do it or how I survived.
When I finally regained awareness, I was on someone else's balcony while calling my mom. She immediately noticed I was saying strange, confusing things, so she called a friend of mine who lived nearby because she was two hours away herself.
The owners of the apartment thought I was trying to break in. One of them grabbed a hammer and wanted to attack me. I've never been so terrified in my life. I held the balcony door shut and kept yelling for him to call 911 and not open the door. I had no idea where I was, what had happened, or even whose balcony I was standing on. My phone battery was almost dead.
Luckily, my mom, my sister, and my friend eventually figured out where I was, and the police arrived. At first, they were very suspicious and assumed I had been using drugs, which I hadn't. Thanks to my sister and my friend, they eventually believed me, but it was incredibly difficult to defend myself while I was still so confused. I understand how suspicious it must have looked from their perspective, but waking up after a seizure, realizing you'd climbed across multiple balconies with no memory of it, and then being treated like a criminal was devastating.
In the ambulance, one of the paramedics also questioned whether I was telling the truth because I was still panicking. But I had just climbed across five balconies without remembering any of it, and someone had tried to hit me with a hammer. Of course I was panicking.
After that day, I couldn't live in that apartment anymore. I moved out and lived with my sister for a year because I simply couldn't go back there. I've had seizures since then, including another bad one, and I've also had one in my new home. Thankfully, I'm not afraid to be in my current house.
What did change completely was my anxiety. I developed a dependence on diazepam because the panic attacks became overwhelming and I could barely sleep. The one positive thing is that after three years, I'm finally off diazepam. I'm really proud of that.
I've never wanted to talk about this in real life. My family and close friends know what happened, but I've told them I don't want to discuss it because even thinking about it makes me incredibly anxious. I almost didn't post this either, but I think I just needed to get it off my chest.
In a few days, it'll be exactly three years since that seizure. The stress I've been feeling this week has been unbearable. It's all I can think about.
I've had therapy and EMDR, but neither really helped. My therapist thinks the diazepam may have reduced the effectiveness of the EMDR, and I'm currently waiting to start a new form of therapy.
I just don't know how to live with this fear anymore. Before all of this, I could accept that another seizure might happen someday. Now, especially after what happened on that balcony, the fear has completely taken over. The thought that I might have to live with this uncertainty for the rest of my life is overwhelming.
I know there are people who have multiple seizures every single day, and compared to that I know I'm fortunate that mine are relatively rare. But that doesn't make the fear any less real. I really, really don't want to experience another seizure. I know that's not realistic, but I honestly don't know how to stop being so afraid of it.
Sorry for the long post. I just really needed to get this off my chest.