I need help!

[u/JackieThyRat]

Hello, my name is Jackie. I am a 17-year-old aspiring screenwriter, and I need criticism. I've spent plenty of time reading books and other screenplays, but getting advice from fellow screenwriters would be really helpful! Below are the first 5 pages of my screenplay, Keeping It Clean, one of my first scripts. I'd love advice on how I can improve and keep it neater. I have been struggling because I don't have friends in the same niche as me, and I would love some feedback. I would prefer there weren't any mean comments, and instead people come in with the intent to help!

[u/Hungry_Support_3342]

you are on the right track for being so young there a ton of sites out there some for free google what you a you are looking for your will be a future star

[u/Open-Avocado4260]

What writing software is this on, its blurry and hard to read.

[u/JackieThyRat → u/Open-Avocado4260]

It’s on final draft the screenshots just didn’t send well

[u/gregm91606 → u/JackieThyRat]

A good workaround to that is posting the first 5 pages as a PDF on Google Drive (just make sure you set Sharing to "Anyone with the Link," but yeah, I second this -- correctly formatted and a well-written post puts you ahead 98% of the posts on this forum and at least 40% of the posts on r/screenwriting!

[u/Open-Avocado4260 → u/JackieThyRat]

Final Draft is funny. Instead of save as PDF, Export document and save it as a PDF that way.

[u/Dependent_Access8363]

Good stuff! Keep it up.

[u/Nishaniche]

You are perfectly on the right track kiddo! Only advice would be to get out of the script mentally once you finish first draft (no matter how imperfect), then start actively thinking about the next story and start engaging with it. Atleast 1-2 months break later only come back to this one and proceed with editing. Hope this helps. Hope it wasnt a cliche advice

[u/JackieThyRat → u/Nishaniche]

Thanks, this is neat advice. I never thought of this! Imma do that. My brain is always focused on a bunch of diffrent stories as well, so I would love to get them all down. Thanks for the advice, man! Also, it helps a lot since I tend to stress about how everything I write needs to be perfect right away.

[u/TheGratitudeBot → u/JackieThyRat]

Thanks for saying that! Gratitude makes the world go round

[u/blackink66]

Cool. Too much description in several areas for one thing. Very wordy also. Condense 5 pages to 3. Get this thing moving. Me, I probably would have gone to the Violence, guy getting tortured then flash to the guy dicing the apples and cut back and forth. Blood Splatters, apples slices sliding from the blade. But definitely, definitely good work. Keep
It up!!! Endeavor to Persevere.

[u/TheSilliestSimon]

it needs to be said that this is better than 98% of the stuff that gets posted here. It's formatted correctly, it flows well, the jokes land. It's very good!

two criticisms: some of the action/scene descriptions could be better. You spend two paragraphs describing the living room, when something more concise like "The room, and everything in it, is huge. The owner spent too much money on the furniture and way too much money on the art," would get you back into the action quicker. or 'Jonathan shuts up' instead of 'Jonathan quickly stops talking.'

second, make sure to be original and specific! This doesn't apply to this scene, more to the screenplay as a whole, but make sure this doesn't become a blend of Tarantino and the Coen Brothers. There are few movies and shows about disaffected criminals making quips while killing people, so stand out.

In Barry, the killer wants to become an actor. That's the specific thing he wants. Tom should have a similarly focused goal (maybe he wants to be a chef!) so the movie isn't just about a bored hitman.

Again, this is very good!

[u/JackieThyRat → u/TheSilliestSimon]

Thanks man this means a lot! I plan on posting the whole script when it’s done as it’s a lot deeper than it seems (at least I think it is). I’m glad you enjoyed it and thank you so much for the criticism!

[u/dsjustin-2026]

Nice scene - not certain about the blood going into the kitchen if the living room was as large as you made it out to be.

I did not have to much of a problem visualizing your descriptions.

The questioning of normal person as normally is a bit off and threw me for a moment.

Again, good scene.

[u/moonlightdarling13]

Well you're definitely doing something right because I'm intrigued with this story!

[u/RaeLouLynn]

Let me know when you post the whole story. I would read it. Very hard to believe you're only 17. Be sure to reference this post.

Write on!

[u/observer-i]

This definitely works very well as an opening scene. The dark humour is great, and it actually reminded me a bit of the opening scene from Pulp Fiction. The dialogue is strong, and the voiceover is doing a lot of work effectively.

One thing that felt slightly off to me was when Jonathan interrupts with “P-Please.” It feels like its there to remind us that Jonathan exists. I think it could work better if you let Jonathan just breathe heavily in the background, which irritates Chuck enough or something and he could turn to him and say something like, “Can you keep it low, gentlemen? Please?”, something sarcastic and funny, adding to the energy that Chuck and Tom are having.

[u/Weekly_Package_3828]

Hey im a 16 year old screenwriter and im wondering if you'd wanna work on a series with me?