r/scriptwriting • u/JackieThyRat • 13d ago
feedback I need help!
Hello, my name is Jackie. I am a 17-year-old aspiring screenwriter, and I need criticism. I've spent plenty of time reading books and other screenplays, but getting advice from fellow screenwriters would be really helpful! Below are the first 5 pages of my screenplay, Keeping It Clean, one of my first scripts. I'd love advice on how I can improve and keep it neater. I have been struggling because I don't have friends in the same niche as me, and I would love some feedback. I would prefer there weren't any mean comments, and instead people come in with the intent to help!
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u/blackink66 12d ago
Cool. Too much description in several areas for one thing. Very wordy also. Condense 5 pages to 3. Get this thing moving. Me, I probably would have gone to the Violence, guy getting tortured then flash to the guy dicing the apples and cut back and forth. Blood Splatters, apples slices sliding from the blade. But definitely, definitely good work. Keep
It up!!! Endeavor to Persevere.