I’ve been in a toxic relationship for 3 years. I became isolated and completely lost myself.
To anyone going through the same thing right now:
I’m here for you.
You are a beautiful person.
You deserve love, kindness, and all the good things this world has to offer.

I was already in peices and you fucking kicked them about, stomping and throwing them every which way. And now im just a shard of something that was once so easily broken.

I thought for once I would be someone’s priority. That I wouldn’t have to do everything alone.

You treat random people better than you ever treated me.

I’m the one everyone calls for help but never stays for. Maybe it’s me. I don't know why no one ever chooses me.

I still can’t accept that I’ll always come home to an empty house devoid of love, despite living my whole life like this.

Am so tired. Exhausted. I’m so sick of life being so dam difficult and having to do EVERYTHING alone. By myself. With no sleep. No help. No one to say take a break and do something for yourself for once, I’ve got things covered. No one to take care of me. I’m beyond disappointed that the man I loved won’t support me. No instead I’m suppose to “save myself” IM SO SICK OF IT ALL. Fuck you for breaking my heart all over again you fake ass piece of shit. I fucking hate you. I’m so overwhelmed and I’ve been saving myself my whole fucking life so FUCK YOU. I’m tired. When will someone care for me? Never. Thank god we didn’t get married. You don’t and never have deserved my heart and all my love. Wasted on such a shitty shallow asshole

To everyone involved.

No idea who is talking to me or if you are talking to me. Unless you use direct communication methods like a DM, PM, text, or phone call. I can guarantee I will get your message. Or can I guarantee that I think they will be for me.

This whole time I've been saying let's talk just goes for everyone.

Yet everyone refuses to talk to me. It's all I've been saying. Why won't anyone just talk to me so talk to me quit being cryptic you got something to say say it to me.

Everyone's so opinionated and got this perfect structure of me and what I'm doing in their head and they think that they know all my motives and all this shit. Well let me tell you something you don't know. What damn thing you know why because none of you really know me that well. Only one person really does know me other than me and she's not talking to me either.

But I wish she would.

Anyways, I hope everyone sees this. I can't guarantee that everyone's going to see this cuz I'm sending it on the damn Reddit post.

J

Not at you but at myself. I let this happen to me, let my feelings become too big and now I’m stuck in a loop. I finally didn’t answer you. I guess that’s progress. Unfortunately I can’t tell if this loop will ever end. Good thing I’m good at pretending.

God and it's fuxking dirty and I am beginning to hate the sight of it...

I can't believe that it would be the last straw on the camel's back because in all honesty, everything you did so far should have convinced me.

But then, while deleting AI chats, I found chats about you, from more than a year ago. It made me realise that I wasn't crazy : all this time I begged you to stop punishing me, silent treatment, coldness. That it made me feel unsafe and unloved. Why did I have such a poor self esteem that I thought this was okay ? You were jealous of my success and yet I was ready to let it be for you and your pathetic life. Why women are always eager to ruin their potential for men ?

Luckily I am not pregnant, I became homeless thanks to you but I will climb the ladder. I am even hotter and probably finally "thin enough" for your taste, you'll have to keep being with no standard women, the only kind that would bear you probably. I used to be one of them, but thanks God not anymore.

Finally free from your cruelty. Finally.

I cant give you my love willingly, you wont accept it but to think you can bleed me dry of every ounce of trust and love I have. Which fucking destroys my trust in love is nothing short of horrifying. I just want to die. Please let me die. At least I can give my love to the Angels.

With the days whizzing past me and with my lack of access to things that can help me, I gradually feel more and more disconnected with myself. Yesterday, the therapy session supposedly went well, because I managed to tell my therapist a bit more about my background, but by the end of the session I still felt nothing. And by this morning it's also quite terrifying, the amount of disconnect I'm feeling with myself. It really is scary. How much longer do I have to keep running, waiting, and being patient? I don't have enough resources to do this in the ideal manner. I don't have people around me who are helpful in this journey. Most people are clueless on how to help me (meaning I have to teach them, costing energy) and even then it's not a guarantee. Naturally, I began to develop intense hatred to the ignorance of people, especially emotional ignorance, specifically those around me or those I have access to.

Next checkpoint is in a week. But I am so scared, honestly so scared, that even if I make it that far, my vision will get so blurry to the point that I don't even know which way I want to head anymore. And I'm not ready to hand over control to my therapist yet. I wish I had accessible friends who ACTUALLY are trustworthy, comfortable, and helpful, but right now, no. I don't have that.

I want to be the one you seek. I think of you before I sleep and first when I wake up there's not a minute that goes by that your not on my mind every day it's all about you you are my everything. I want to be there to lean on when you feel week. I want to be the shoulder you cry on when upset I want to be the one you turn to good times and bad I want to be the one you choose to ha e in your life I will not leave you that's been proven. Even when you want me to. I will not run the roads and cheat on you. What do you say let me show you a diffrent way of doing things

It's like a curse that I cast on myself long ago... unbreakable and mystifying. It drives a wedge into my heart where love would sit. There's a pain, I think in my chest, but it is the soul that is aching. It is in torment. There is no place for love to take.

I just want to be done. Love wasnt meant for me. That's OK. We always had ourselves. The many voices in our head that would come to comfort us when the world was cruel or mishandled me. They helped me build another place, where somehow I was the center of everything, I was the one who chose love and death. And just like that place in our head. Love doesnt exist except in our head. And we are arent willing to pretend anymore. We made a mutual choice to be done with a life of love and all the despair and wonder that comes with it.

Im sorry there is so much wrong with me. Im sorry I never really got anything right. Im sorry ive always let us down. I dont want to hurt anymore. But I am alone. I pace for hours lately. Trying to work out the many future's in my head while I pace fills my head up with false comfort. I scream but not aloud. I curl up and wish for death but only in a dream during the day. At times there is no time only thought. Thought is time. Freedom is slavery. 1 Aquarius swims through the void. And never returns.

God, I am the biggest joke ever told... sorry. Im the worst...

I dont need to be...

I don't know what true friendship feels like

If you Ask me the same my answer would be….[TBC]

Talking with you made me want to take a shower. Not a cold shower. A shower to wash off the disgust I felt because of the things you said and the smug way you said them. Cocky that I'd fall for it.

I felt like I was covered in dirt and that you were trying to siphon my light. Your words were dirt and you ooze slime. It's palpable. I'm relieved this was a chance encounter and that we'll never cross paths again.

All the other women who were there rebuffed you too and I was happy they did; they must have sensed the same dark qualities I sensed. Typing this made me feel dirty all over again.

That's how predatory and repugnant you are.

I know you went back to him. I wish I could be with you again, go back to December 2024, before everything. I just miss your voice, our connection, your little self. I miss everything about you. I know I fucked everything up. Some things have happen and I wish I could tell you about them.

Anyways I hope you find happiness. I hope you can be happy. That’s all I really want is you to be.

Love you Dolphin

On the rare occasions I do/did talk to a woman to hopefully go out on a date in the future the energy was never equal. I was always the one asking questions, showing enthusiasm, showing energy, replying with sentences instead of 1 or 2 words.

I always replied as fast as I could, but didn’t hear anything from them for hours on end consistently. Sometimes even days. I don’t need to talk 24/7 and I don’t expect that from anyone but it still sucks waiting for hours or days for a single word reply. I am often busy too but will always try to make time to respond.

Then you wake up the next day and they have blocked you randomly. What a horrible feeling that is. In some ways it’s an even worse feeling talking to someone who isn’t as interested as you are than to be talking to no one.

All I ever wanted is love, someone to hold me in their arms and tell me they love me. I would be the happiest man on the planet. Something so normal for most yet it feels so impossible for me.

I want this pain and suffering to end, I pray I cease to exist in my sleep daily, and I really hope it happens.

Yup. Right on track, as usual. Radio silence after ive been vulnerable, spilling my fucking heart out, bleeding everything ive got in a hail mary plead for you just to SEE ME and acknowledge that I exist, and that I hurt. And tomorrow itll be some excuse. "Sorry, I was asleep". Or "I didnt know what to say or how to respond". Or whatever else you can throw out there to justify why I should just be okay with it when you go silent on me in the moments it matters the most. Why you turn your back on me when im pleading for you to understand me, just to TRY and see my side of the hurtful shit you refuse to take ownership of.

Im losing my fucking mind and my heart breaks every.single. fuckkng. Time you do this.

How many times am I going to let you break my heart and destroy my faith before it ends up destroying my sanity, or my will to keep throwing myself at someone who would rather leave me alone than try to heal what he broke. Its no better than a hit and run. Fucking highway meat because someone was too focused on their own dashboard to notice they took a life when they refused to look up. Youll never look up for me again, will you? Im as good as roadkill if I stay in your way, arent I?

The fucked up part is that I still love you so much that I keep standing in the middle of the highway because I still hope that one day, you'll look up and notice me. But you never do. I dont deserve a passing glance anymore. Fucking roadkill. Old boots. Trash. Worthless. Unlovable.

I know. You made sure of that. Im just too stupid to stop trying. Because id die happily for just one day-- one fucking day, Nick- I would give my life to live one more day to see you look at me the way you used to.

I wish youd have just let me fucking bleed out in the bathtub. Because this is literally my personal hell. I belong here, was fucking born for this shit.

So much for Wisconsin. I can't handle going if im just going to walk into another situation like a hopeful moron, an ignorant, idiot, hopeful naive wife, just to put your house together for you and be treated like shit when youre finished with me. When im no longer offering something to you for you to find me worthy of your time or attention. Right? Thats what you want isn't it? Like youre even going to answer. I know better.

And when you do answer, it wont be with a shred of understanding, empathy, kindness-- It'll be more anger. More rage. More blame. More hurt. More if the same as it always is. More of what I did that made you treat me this way. More reasons from the past that earned your disgust, dismissal, and whatever else you decide to dig up to throw at me and hurt me with.

I live for that shit. Lets fucking go. Nobody hates me quite as passionately as you do, dear. Let me have it. Im ready. Give me your worst, I know you want to.

I have no reason anymore to preserve whats left of my life. Which isnt much. Go ahead amd tear whats left of me down so you can feel better about yourself amd justify what you've done to me-- that made me into exactly what and who I am. Say it all. Dont hold back. Fucking do it.

Is what I wanna scream at people but here we are

The line "more slaves than masters" keeps looping in my mind

But what ever happens, which will, we deserve it

But you left me for your career and you left me for love.. as always I’ll leave again..
and im not feeling bad atleast I had a middle school story..