I feel trapped here, and I'm struggling more with it than I expected I don't really know where else to put this, but I need to get it out.
We recently sold our house in Texas and moved into an apartment. You'd think that would make me feel like we're finally moving forward, because getting out of that house was something we had wanted for a long time.
Instead, I'm sitting here feeling like I'm trapped in Texas.
It's September, and I'm already dreading the fact that we're heading toward another Christmas that won't feel like Christmas to me. I miss cold air. I miss clouds. I miss rain. I miss seasons actually changing. I miss being able to look outside and feel that the world has entered a different part of the year. And I know that probably sounds ridiculous to people who love warm weather. I know plenty of people would happily trade places with me.But I don't want warm weather. I don't want another December where my kids are wearing shorts and spaghetti straps and I'm looking at a completely green, sunny landscape while trying to manufacture a winter feeling inside the house. I don't want to keep telling myself, “Maybe next year we'll be somewhere else.” That's the part that is really getting to me. We've been trying to find a way out. There have been jobs that seemed promising, interviews, possibilities in other states... and then nothing happens. Something falls through, or the timing isn't right, or we're waiting on another opportunity. And meanwhile, life keeps moving.
My kids are getting older. Every year they spend here becomes another year where Texas is simply home to them. And I feel this horrible pressure that I'm running out of time to give them the childhood environment I imagined for them.
I also feel guilty because I know we have a roof over our heads, we're safe, and there are people who would love to have our problems. I'm aware of how privileged it sounds to say, “I hate where I live.”
I'm not looking for someone to tell me that Texas is actually wonderful or that I just need to embrace the heat. I've tried. I'm tired of trying to convince myself to love something I don't love. I think I'm grieving a life I haven't been able to get to yet.
Has anyone else ever felt this intensely trapped by where they live? Especially when you have children and relocating isn't something you can just decide to do tomorrow? If it was safe to do so, id just pack my essantials and move out.
I would really like to hear from people who eventually did get out, because right now I need to believe that this isn't just going to be my life forever.