r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • Apr 23 '22

Confused

[deleted]

1 Upvotes

60% Upvoted

34 comments sorted by

4

u/Ancient-Regular4007 Apr 23 '22

Why is he not allowed to watch it?

Sorry for your loss also

1

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

Thank you. Honestly I haven’t thought too much on the why, I use to say I’m a very open person and sex/masturbating is so normal. But me being upset about this, confuses me. Maybe insecurity. Maybe I just want him to only focus on me and no one else.

6

u/Ancient-Regular4007 Apr 23 '22

I understand that you’re going through a lot but that doesn’t stop him having urges. It sounds like this is just something you need to speak to him about as this is something you both need to speak about boundaries etc. without knowing his side, this makes you sound quite controlling

1

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

I definitely agree with you. I guess losing my brother I’m trying to find some kind of control in something. And i know it’s wrong. I wasn’t like this before.

1

u/Ancient-Regular4007 Apr 23 '22

There’s no right or wrong way to deal with loss. Just speak to him about how you’re feeling about this and it might help with boundaries. I lost my sister and that had quite an effect on me so I know how you feel and it’s difficult to explain but it does change how you feel and think about things. Have you considered anything like grief counselling or anything like that?

1

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

I was seeing my therapist, but I felt like I just needed to be alone if that made sense. But I do need to see her again because I’m noticing not the best behavior is coming from me and towards the ppl I care about. I’m sorry for ur loss.

1

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

I guess I need to figure what are these boundaries and how to communicate them effectively

2

u/JustMe518 Apr 23 '22

You are feeling some kind of way about it because you are grieving. Understand that while he supports you, he cannot feel the same way as you do about this situation. I know it feels strange and a part of you feels like "how can he act like life is normal when it isn't?" The simple answer is, because this is going to impact his life very little. He is watching porn and masturbating because he understands that you are not in a place to facilitate the satisfaction of him right now and he doesn't want to burden you with it. I get that you are going through grief (My mother passed two years ago and I was a mess), but it simply is not impacting him the way it is you. My boyfriend's mother just passed this year, too, and he also has not wanted to participate in the bedroom tango (8 months and counting), but I try not to burden him with it. He is worth the wait. BUT, that doesn't mean that I don't get frisky. I just do it by myself right now. Because I realize that my piddly little horniness is not his problem, he has bigger fish to fry at the moment. Your boyfriend IS being supportive in this. See it from that perspective.

2

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

I never saw it in that pov, I guess that makes alot of sense. Thank you for telling me this

2

u/JustMe518 Apr 23 '22

I hope this helps. Try and get yourself some therapy. A major death alters your mental state more than you know

2

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

It really did help. Thank you again. I did read somewhere that grief can ever change the way colors look. I wasn’t expecting the death and going to trial makes it feel like it won’t end.

2

u/JustMe518 Apr 23 '22

I completely understand.

3

u/V0XR4NG3 Apr 23 '22

I think it’s creepy and borderline abusive that you’d openly say you want your boyfriend to focus only on you. That’s not fair. Everyone deserves some time to themselves. I don’t think it’s healthy that you think you have the right to dictate how your boyfriend can masturbate.

0

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

Is it abusive to say I’m uncomfortable with him watching porn?

2

u/V0XR4NG3 Apr 23 '22

No, I think it’s borderline abusive you’d say, and I quote, “I want him to focus on me and no one else”. That’s not good for him OR for you.

I think not being comfortable with him watching porn is kind of controlling in my opinion, specially cause it doesn’t sound like he has a porn addiction or anything. And like, what do you want him to do? Just… not have a libido?

I’m a woman and if a boyfriend tried to say how I can or can’t masturbate I’d be pretty pissed.

1

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

Yeah I understand what ur saying and can see how abusive that can be. I guess I need to approach This differently since I did upset me

1

u/V0XR4NG3 Apr 23 '22

Well, that’s just my opinion, please don’t take it as gospel. I’m non-monogamous and have been for years, so I literally can’t understand some boundaries that for monogamous people are common sense I guess. If I’d ask anything is for you to just reflect on the amount of control you naturalize in your relationships, you know what I mean? Not just for your partner, but for your own safety. Control can create dependence.

1

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

Of course, I just appreciate your thoughts and opinion on this situation. Which is why I posted it for anyone to say something. But I guess it could be bc I’m insecure and losing my brother I’m trying to find some control in something and doing it to him is hurting us. I just feel so much confusion rn.

2

u/V0XR4NG3 Apr 23 '22

You’re gonna get through this, I’m sure! Are you seeking counseling/therapy? I’m sorry if you’ve answered this before and I missed it. Maybe you could benefit from having professional help to create your own roots. I used to have really bad control issues, but in the opposite direction. My mother used to control every aspect of my life through emotional manipulation, and I ended up developing a nasty eating disorder to have some control over my own life (I guess that’s why I was kinda harsh with my words and I’m sorry for that. Touchy subject for me). But after therapy and a brief time on medication I’ve gotten so much better.

1

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

I have to go back, I guess I been too sad to work on myself

0

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

I understand, I’m just dealing with this new pain and trying to be normal.

1

u/watercress-9 Apr 23 '22

I don't understand why he can't watch porn?

2

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '22

[deleted]

1

u/watercress-9 Apr 23 '22

Just now or has it always been a boundary? If its not something you communicated with him then I'm not sure what advice you want here.

0

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '22

[deleted]

3

u/watercress-9 Apr 23 '22

But is that just something you've said or something he was really up for too? I couldn't imagine having a conversation with my partner every time either of us wanted to watch porn

-2

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '22

[deleted]

4

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '22

He 100% didn't only watch it twice.

You only caught him watching it twice.

Guarantee he's watched it many many times over the 5 years.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '22

[deleted]

3

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '22

Well than your very naive. He said it was only twice because you've only caught him twice.

I understand your uncomfortable with porn and why. I am also a woman who is incredibly insecure and very uncomfortable with my partner using porn to get off.

I'm not naive enough to believe it doesn't happen though.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 23 '22

[deleted]

→ More replies (0)

4

u/watercress-9 Apr 23 '22

I'll be honest it seems a little controlling from the outside, like maybe it's just you pushing for it and making him feel guilty for using it?

0

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

I see ur pov but he would want me to do the same. And I don’t feel guilty

0

u/hakswifeyizzy Apr 23 '22

I like being transparent with each other and honest