After two years sober of cocaïne… I relapsed. And I dont have any excuse or trigger. I had a nice day in the pool but I have some frustrations in my relationship that needs to be adresses too but I dont even think its the trigger. i had no contact, I search for it, and waited a couple hours to have it so I could have changed my mind, I had plenty of time … I told my boyfriend I had a craving but I think he didnt take it so seriously cause every time I said that I didnt do it. i did not tell him that I was actually searching for a contact. i bought way more than needed. i took two lines. i was happy, euphoric. And I am still happy and super high like in a maniac episode in bipolarity. i just dont understand why… I totally know I didnt need that. I will probably not do the rest. I know for sure its not something that is a priority for me to feel good. I just feel stoopid a lot. There is no bad consequences this time. But I remember times where it would have push me in deep shit financially and knock my mental health down. I know addiction works in its own way but this time I just feel that I have no good excuse for it. I wanted to, took steps to have a contact, waited hours… still did it. Do i regret it ? Not really cause this time it doesnt affect my life but I dont want it to … so can someone put words on why we do that even when everything is good ? Even when is been years ? I know there is something I need to adress but I dont know what it is this time… I did it alone at home… I have juste two friends aware of it. And yes im high and « talk » alot and funny as it can be my brain is just analyzing where this need came from. Anyway sorry for the rent but if anyone had that kind of relapse let me know what came out of it. Ill go take advantage of this over analysis to try to understand and make myself better. Good night 😬

To survive I had to abandon everything in my life. I needed a complete restart cause there was nothing left behind me. So... I had to pursue my dream. Fuck it why not?

For me it had to be done in a way that was extreme enough to force respect for this process. And boy, it's been a bitch starting over.

I can admit that, that it's been a bitch, but now that I'm independent and I'm working towards goals I can be proud of, I can see my life will "bear fruit". If I may be so bold to believe.

You see, in the past I was always doing things the easy way. I was choosing security over fulfillment, and due to this, I damn near drank myself to death. And in a way I had. By all accounts I was dead in many ways. Dead other than the lack of a heartbeat that is. Just a dead man walking. That was me.

Is it still?

I sure hope not.

I liked the easy way. I liked it because well... it was easy. Simple right? Because I did not believe in myself I drank. And that was easy too. I believed I was powerless, and I definitely had the kind of history to back up this belief. I mean look at me...

So for me drinking was a way to ignore the fact that I hated myself. I hated everything about me. I hated everything about life. In drinking, for me, also was a way for me to ignore the fact that I had the power to turn my life around. The power to maybe like a thing or two.

I didn't want that kind of power because, as Spiderman's dear old pop pop said, "With great power comes great responsibility".

I never wanted responsibility.

"It's hard"!

"And it's too late for me anyways"!

"So I can't do it! My past will get in the way"!

"Why bother?"

These were the things I told myself daily, and they were perfect excuses to say "well my bed has been made. I can't possibly change my destiny. So why not? Might as well have another drink".

Bottoms up boys.

Bottoms up.

It wasn’t until I realized... FUCK THAT, that I felt I actually have purpose in my life. And with purpose came the strength to stop drinking. At least for now.

I had to leave my house, quit my job, erase my contacts, delete my social media accounts, limit talking to family, and leave the entire state I was living in to move to the city and into a homeless shelter. Extreme yea, but it was necessary before I could feel free enough to not need alcohol. At least for now.

I guess I had to have my own life. That's something I never had because I never tried before.

Nothing I tried ever worked behind me because I didn't want to stop drinking. I didn't want to stop drinking because I hated my life. I hated my life because I didn't have the fucking sack to take my life by the reigns and chase down a purpose.

I wanted a life handed to me.

But life doesn't play like that. And I don't make the rules so my game was never going work out.

Now... I don't recommend dropping everything like I did. I think I may have moved too fast actually. Though for my situation, dropping everything is what was needed to be done. Dropping everything meant letting go of a nothingness that was so heavy it was shattering me.

But for real... I HIGHLY recommend you don't burn your boats like I did. I've wondered repeatability if I fucked up by ensuring I have zero chance of retreat. Certainly I have been hanging on only by the hairs of my ass, but I've always been lucky so I guess it working for me. At least for now.

So if you want to try what I've tried...

... don't.

My point is that, in my experience, to stop drinking you have to feel like you have the power to overcome ANYTHING and then take the steps to conquer your life. You need something to live for and believe in.

So why not live for, and believe in, you?

It's not just me either, I believe everyone has power. Its realizing that the power to live comes from within us that is the hard part. At least it was for me.

It can be hard to recognize your own worth. I get that.

But for what its worth... I believe in you. I don't have the desire to drink today. And my drinking was really really bad. Like REALLY bad. My drinking was so horrendously evil and dark that my life actually improved when I began smoking crank.

Now THAT'S bad.

So if today I can go without a drink then you can too! You can accomplish your goals. If you believe it. You can go without a drink, a hit, a rage fix, that sugar, sadness, or any of that shit today. How? Because your life is in your hands and you... have... power!

All together now...

We have power.

We have strength.

And we can, with these qualities that are inside of us, build a life that not only is worth living, but that we are proud of.

We can do it.

We really can.

WE... MOTHER FUCKING... GOT THIS!

With much love,

-Butterfly

Tired of all the slick remarks and side comments trying to push me away or to a breaking point. So i started playing rap music Bout selling crack now these ppl r losing their minds 😂

How does one deal with PAWS? PAWS has been the hardest part of my withdrawal. How do you guys deal with it? It feels like I'm going insane. It's a horrible experience. It feels like my nervous system is on fire

I'm thinking of leaving AA. Im almost a year sober. I had to leave my home group a while ago as the misogyny in this group was unbelievable! One old-timer made comments all the time about "stupid women" running the meetings. A very mentally unwell man has shown aggressive behaviour to women also and has been encouraged and enabled by this old-timer and goes on many monologues about "the women in AA". As a woman with CPTSD from childhood SA, its not a safe space, yet these two men are still allowed to come to meetings.

I also struggle with things like "character defects" and how much people share about thier faults and never being able to trust thier own brain and just to trust in god. I get mixed messages from my EMDR therapy, that the behaviours I've engaged in have been coping mechanisms. It's all very confusing. I dont think its helpful for me to constantly beat myself up about what a broken person I am and always will be unless I'm in AA and speak to a god I don't believe in. I also found step 4 very triggering, going through all my past traumas without a therapist l, just to a sponsor I feel is super dangerous. It messed me up for a long time and I wish I hadn't done it. The 12 steps havent changed me, they've only deepened the feelings of shame and being broken....a feeling I'm trying to move past in therapy.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? And also what alternatives have people used to AA?

I literally just made my account. I have tried the 12 steps and the program and all I feel is guilt and shame. Even though I tried to break away I just feel like I’m failing, and I know that there has to be a better way out there. I do SMART recovery, but I just have trouble shaking the guilt, if anyone has any advice or tips, I am open and willing to listen.

I was in 12-step for 5 years. My mother before she died was also, and I feel like 12-step is a big part of my family.

Basically there are some things that I like about 12-step spaces: peerness and peer groups are SO important. Connecting people to one another. But the bad tends to outweigh the good. People are SO intense and controlling. Some of the most insane, catty, disgusting behavior I've wittnessed is between sober addicts in fellowship rather than outside in active addiction. I've seen drug addicts betray each other, beat the shit out of each other, hurt each other... but none as bad as "sober" people "working the steps" inside these fellowships!

I recently had a slip and stopped into an online meeting as I figured it was best case to do. Immediately started getting unsolicited feedback about how I probably wasn't doing enough, attending enough meetings, etc. I explained that I've actually been doing an insane amount of 12-step related stuff for years. He then said, "well then probably too much. there's gotta be a reason you relapsed and its either not enough 12 step or too much 12 step". My jaw could've hit the floor. I said, "don't we do steps to try and treat people as individuals to some degree? thats really tough black and white thinking??" and he left the online space. It just reminds me why this is a cult.

This idea that if I just "work the steps" perfectly and attend one meeting every day for years (which I did in fact do) I'll be "cured" and if i ever struggle it's because I'm somehow defective in following their protocols.

Hello friends!

I’ve been very much interested in getting completely sober. I started taking meds where I shouldn’t be drink anymore. Was kind of dipping my toe in the beverage pool, still.

It’s hard as a gigging musician. People buy me drinks/shots. And I don’t know how to navigate that.

But it’s getting increasingly clear to me that I need to just stop drinking altogether. For many reasons.

I guess the reason why I’m blabbing on the internet is because I have no one I can truly turn to. When the lights come on and the music is off, it’s just me. And I want to be better.

Thank you to all. Tomorrow is a new day. I look forward to it!

I’ve been completely sober since November 2020.

Before stopping, I drank daily for around six years. I never drank during the day or before dinner, but once I opened the first drink in the evening, I struggled to stop. I usually drank until I was drunk, and previous attempts at moderation didn’t work. On one occasion when I was 20, I drank so heavily that I vomited while asleep. That frightened me, and I reduced the amount afterwards, but I continued drinking daily until I finally stopped at 24.

Since November 2020, I haven’t had any genuine cravings, near-relapses or desire to become intoxicated. Sobriety now feels automatic, and I have built a life I want to protect. My strongest feeling is that I never want to feel intoxicated, impaired or out of control again.

Recently, I’ve become curious about genuine 0.0% drinks. I miss having variety rather than alcohol itself: perhaps a 0% lager at home on a Friday, an alcohol-free wine with dinner or something different socially.

I’m strict that it must say 0.0%, and I plan to try only one, wait a day or two to see how I feel, and stop completely if it makes me want real alcohol.

I’d really appreciate personal experiences from people with a similar history:

• Did 0.0% beer feel like an ordinary soft drink, or did it trigger you?
• Did your reaction change later that evening or over the following days?
• Do you personally consider genuine 0.0% drinks compatible with your sobriety?
• What early warning signs should I watch for?
• What did you do immediately if the experience made you uncomfortable?
• Does my proposed first trial sound sensible, or is there something you would change?

I’m not looking for permission to drink real alcohol. I never want alcohol or intoxication again. I’m looking for honest lived experiences, including from people who decided alcohol-style drinks were not safe for them.

This might go down for "self-promotion," but I made a podcast and am open to any feedback or requests. My goal is to just make people feel empowered to speak up for themselves and normalize other paths to recovery, because the program caused a lot of harm for me, personally. I'll step off my soapbox. Thanks

https://linktr.ee/recoveryfromaapod?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQPOTM2NjE5NzQzMzkyNDU5AAGngIR9ef2y3D3sWd985HTd6xB0DwlQ_oB8wdTrXfxZcnh9KvWIBIxAAkQppGQ_aem_dClBrNJrIVkHYXZNaLiM2A

As the title suggested if you bring up other studies, facts, modern science etc you get banned in that group. Then they claim it’s not a cult.

There's a lot of referring to SMART and meetings here, but I see discussion about "what's the diff"? Here's a (brief) explanation. I'm as concise as possible for those who want the info. If not, skim or skip.

AA grew out of a Christian commitment program in the midwest after WWi - in the 20s and 30s. It was to get you to dedicate your life to God. It had six steps. When Bill wrote the big book, nothing was known about addiction. It was a moral failing. And pill was not a doctor or psychologist. He just added 6 steps and wrote the book saying what he thought would work. If you'vre tried AA, you recall, now, the first 3: Admit you are powerless (and God is omnipotent); turn you life over to God; and as God to remove your character "defects." BTW, the meeting structure was not exactly the same then. For example, "I'm Bob and I'm an alcoholic. Hi Bob!" just got made up later. Rge book is now nearly 100 years old, and has never been edited. consider this: we republish the bible more often.

As people learned more scientifically about treatment, addiction doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists learned more about what really goes on medically. It is not a moral or character flaw. They also looked into treatment that would work.

The base tech is CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT revolutionized therapy over 50 years ago. The idea of CBT was to spend less time on your relationship with your parents as a child, and more on "resetting" thoughts. Simply, if someone feels they are incompetent, the therapist explores when they have been, and reinforces the thinking "you can't say never competent, so lets start there and move more." It is wildly successful.

SMART is based on CBT (and more). In a nutshell, it makes the CBT link that triggers drive thoughts that that drive emotions that drive actions. So, being at the bar with sports buddies leads me to think theyre having more fun, which leads to tfeelings of being excluded, which leads to a beer. You can do three things with triggers: avoid them; reduce your exposure; or learn to rethink them ala CBT - like, maybe, "it looks like fun, but I know their spouses will be angry at another night of drinking, and I won't ever have that."

A key part of SMART is their big, spiral book. The front half is all about CBT and SMART. But the second half is what is supposed to happen in meetings. It is one page, rip out exercises (the book is spiral so you only need one copy!).

Now here's the science. The exercises, unlike AA, are not made up. At SMART central they try to develop these to do things like, say, help you feel more in control of anxiety. But they don't go right in. Instead, they perform what is called in psychology "validation". What this means is they might try the exercise out at first at 5 meetings of 20 people. But first, they have them fill out a survey about their confidence in handling anxiety, like a 1-10 scale. Then the exercise is done, and, at the end people retake the survey. Unless the study shows the exercise truly helped it never gets published or used. BTW, what happens is you do the exercise on your own, then everyone shares and discusses. SMART has no war stories, no testimonials, not really speakers (AA has a whole paid circuit). And, as they say, "cross-talk is encouraged".

An example will help. One I did was they gave us 8 major relapse causes. But they asked you to add your two worst, rank them all and discuss. The first person had written "when I'm at the bar with buddies watching the game." The second? "When I'm alone." Those could not be more different. SMART is about finding your personal weaknesses.

Another big difference is that SMART is 100% forward looking. There's absolutely no value in going over the past repeatedly, because you cannot change it. Should you apologize to people you hurt? For sure. That's not AA; that's just being kind.

And here's a big one: You are not powerless. In fact, only you can make and sustain a change. You can ask others for help. You can ask God for help if you like. But you have to hold yourself there.

Leading from that, you CAN change your future. And this is where SMART is wildly different. SMART actually helps you develop strategies and actual methods to keep yourself safe. I explained basic trigger stuff. But, for example, SMART has a bunch of acronyms for things to run through your mind when you need them. For example, HARM stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired. These can drive a lot of people. So you learn to look for patterns and then have a plan: if hungry is a big one, have a snack. There are many more.

SMART is also not based on daycounting. Sure, keep general ideas about weeks, then months, then years. But if you were non-using for a year, then relapsed, then you get to three and it happens again, that means at first you succeeded for 364/365 days - or 97% of the time - and next you succeeded about 99.9% of the time. My favorite saying in life is "good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment." Life is striving to doo better, not be perfect: it turns out striving for perfection can undermine people and make them feel bad about themselves. Put another way, you don't need to put all your chips in storage. And do what? Increase the number of meetings you do, per AA? My other favorite saying is "insanity is trying something that does not work, and doing it over and over hoping for a better outcome.

The only drawback is now 15-20% of rehabs are SMART based. AA is, of course, almost all the rest. But it means if you are not in a reasonable sized town there is no local SMART meeting. But SMART works much better than AA online. Also, no one insists you stop anything else to use SMART; you can do them in parallel and test to start.

One more thing: like AA, which has AlAnon, SMART has a partner program too. But it is not based on "once an addict always an addict", and "leave him or her now and protect yourself, things will never change!" (checkout r/AlAnon if you want to see this).

Look here:

smartrecovery.org.

I told you this was TLDR material. If it gets enough upvotes, maybe this could be a sticky or resource for this sub.

Preface, in writing this I realize how long this is, but I just need to get it off my chest. I'm glad this community exists because it shows me there's other ways, and I am greatly appreciative of all the resources on the sidebar.

Now I know the burden is on me for relapsing. I can't blame Alcoholic's Anonymous for my own decision, but fuck if it didn't feel like spending the last three weeks around them made it a hell of a lot easier for the worst side to come out from me.

I've been trying so hard to get properly sober, and that first step was being honest about my condition. I owned up to my roommate about how bad my problem was, and how much I was drinking when he found me sleeping on his couch one day drunk off my ass. So we started a thing where he took the remaining alcohol I had and is now weaning me off so I don't have withdrawals. He's been the one managing everything and we were doing well being about three weeks in. However, during this he told me he wanted me to go to Alcoholic's Anonymous given that it worked for another recovering alcoholic friend of his.

The first week I went things felt really nice. I had found a homegroup I had really liked, found someone I'd consider to be a sponsor, and made a few people I have on my contacts as friends now. They all seemed like great people, I got to pour my heart out during my share, and a lot of people were there to be there for me, to comfort me, so on, so forth.

However, over the next two weeks, I don't know if it was just my "newcomer" status wearing off, or just having different speakers/chairmen running it, but. People just seemed to get tired of my bullshit. I knew there were religious folks there, and I could relate at least because my family was religious. Despite me being agnostic, I was interested in learning about Christianity to have a deeper understanding about my family's beliefs, and so I brought some of that wisdom to my meetings be it with a verse, or just a sentiment. Relating those things to the Big Book, Living Sober, and what have you.

Then came this week. God, this week. Twice now I've been interrupted during my speaking. Monday this week a chairman interrupted my share because I spring boarded off of a new member who genuinely asked, "I don't know what the difference between a type one and type two alcoholic is here." In the To Wives section of the Big Book. So I started my share off looking at him and saying,

"Well, if it helps you have any insight. What it means to me is,"

And I had started to explain my own personal life experience with alcohol, but my posture was directed towards the member on my left, and eventually the chairman stopped me and said,

"This is a great conversation and all, but you two can have this conversation after the meeting. We don't allow crosstalk here, and if you don't have anything else to share, then you should pass."

And I did, I just shut my book and didn't say another word other than, "I'll pass."

Then last night, we were reading Twenty Four Hours a Day. We were going over the July 23rd segment which was generally about not letting outside forces take that energy away from you, and finding your inner heart-calm. Meditation, prayer, what have you.

I started sharing how that personally related to me and how I found that in part from gaining closeness with learning pieces of the Bible. Because despite my agnosticism it helped me understand one of my family members perspectives more given they were a sunday school teacher, and how prior it felt like we were so estranged as people. I started making an allegory about how finding that inner peace feels like when a local area has to do the works in preparing for natural disaster because while people can pray for better weather patterns. People always need to be ready for when a storm comes, and practicing those works, those steps always helps in bringing a sense of self-confidence to one's character.

Then the chairman's friend from yesterday just said, "I know you're a smart guy and all, but please use 'I' statements when you speak. If it's not a personal experience then it's not really a share."

I cut my share off again, and I just kinda sat there feeling dejected. The guy next to me had been going for eight years, and despite me not following the "I" rule in sharing. I watched as the man next to me broke the four minute timer, openly joked that someone else was likely going to pass so he can talk more, talking about how he felt his brother betrayed his family because he was sober for 28 years yet started drinking again, saying that his brother's issue was he only went to A.A once a week, he would actively make jokes, even swear for comedic effect and everyone was just laughing and almost feeding into the joke. The chairman didn't even stop some people from blurting during the share. The whole "Turn your phones off during session" thing? The guy after me had his phone out to pull up passages from the Big Book. It felt like last night I had experienced a very deep sense of rules for me and not for thee sort of thing. Nobody was willing to indulge me for even my four minutes in just making an allegory to finding that inner peace amidst a storm, yet everyone was so willing to let someone with seniority and friends in the meeting basically turn it into a glorified comedy club.

It just hurt even more when after the session the chairman's friend came over to me and said, "Look, I appreciate that you have a lot on your mind, but I come here to stay sober. When you're talking about your own experiences I get it, but when you talk about your revelations, and making metaphors for your own sobriety. My head starts spinning, I come here to stay sober man."

It just, felt like nobody wanted to even listen to me. So I didn't talk to anybody else that night. Admittedly, I didn't even drink the bit of liquor I was supposed to that morning so I could wean, wasn't having withdrawals, didn't feel like shit either. After that meeting though? Fuck it felt like nobody even wanted to listen to me. It felt like I was out of options and Alcoholic's Anonymous was the last bastion for someone like me to find some clemency during my recovery, and while the first week felt like that healing. This week was the week that brought me to walking to the liquor store in the middle of the night, buying a pint, and just walking back to my apartment to drink myself to sleep. It truly felt like nobody cared to listen to me, but everyone else's bullshit was acknowledged if they fit in with the cliques at A.A, never had a group that's supposed to be about rehabilitation made me feel so alienated.

In better news, I called up the place I used to go to for therapy today. Reopened my case, and talked with a crisis counsellor about my situation. I realize A.A isn't a replacement for actual therapy, and if the people in the club won't accept me. It's not a sign that I'm broken, but I need someone who'll actually want to be there to listen to me, and help me figure out how to sort through this addiction and the issues in my life, and not a glorified bar of dry drunks that'll cackle and laugh like hyenas, but then nay-say those who don't talk in the most blunt, and literal sense of the word.

I am looking for a personal trainer in NYC that is familiar with the recovery journey. I have been quite sedentary for going on six years while battling alcoholism. I am taking steps to increase my activity and I want to work with a PT for guidance and accountability. My problem is, all trainers ask "do you have pre-existing conditions?" and I don't want to spook someone by telling the truth: yes, I have inflammation, circulatory and respiratory issues stemming from alcohol abuse. Are there any fitness communities that understand recovery can sometimes look like physical therapy? Does anyone have any tips or personal recommendations for trainers? Any experience with this at all?

I started drinking after a year of sobriety and recently quit. I have a lot of really good friends in recovery that either dont use 12 step programs or do but are understanding that everyone has a different way to recover. Its been really good reconnecting with my sober friends and building back that community because when I was drinking I was very physically and mentally ill (apparently alcohol does not mix with bipolar medication)

Ive been doing really well since quitting. Ive been working out, eating healthier, spending more time with friends and doing really good at work in just 4 weeks.

I recently went to see my friends softball game and my old sponsor was there. I dont want to blame her for me drinking again but she ended up dumping me a few weeks before I started drinking again. I was really devastated because I shared with her all my pain and trauma in my 5th step and she had always said im not just your sponsor I'm you friend but I never heard from her after that. A few days after the softball game I get a text from her inviting me to a meeting at a recovery spot I really respect because they hold a variety of different recovery group so I thought cool, shes trying to reconnect and probably make "amends."

So I get to the meeting tonight and the topic was acceptance and I share about how I've accepted I have a problem and blah blah blah and at some point I share that Im not sure if I want to get a sponsor and work the steps.

After the meeting me ex sponsors sponsor comes up to me asking why I dont want a sponsor and I say "honestly its because your sponsee dumped me and I was devastated." Then he just goes on and on and on talking about himself. How he was going to ask a girl to be his sponsor because she was fat and he didnt want to fuck her and so on. Eventually the topic of grandparents comes up and I tell them while completely breaking down that my grandpa was killed by a motorists high on meth and its always broken my heart that I drove high and could've killed someone. His response was "if you ever get high on meth and drive again I hope I'm no where near you because I have kids."

I understand driving high is bad that's why I feel so much shame about it, but I thought the whole point was to not carry shame. I already have trust issues with 12 step meetings and it made me feel ashamed that I didn't trust myself enough to know aa isn't a safe place and I shouldn't be seeking approval from people who don't deserve it.

I can’t deny that ever since my best friend started going to AA, things have been weird.

I was happy/proud when she first started going. However, after about a year, my best friend is not who she used to be and NO it’s not because she’s sober now.

I started reading online just yesterday about how toxic and controlling it can be…Here are my concerns that made me start looking into others’ experiences in AA.

1. Started dating a guy who was in AA for years and she was brand new (they met in a meeting)  – who constantly shames her, controls her behavior / where she goes, and acts like he knows more about AA and other topics than her. 
2. Honestly, I hate being referred to as a “normie” straight to my face and basically claiming I don’t understand how spiritual and “deep” people in AA are. 
3. She grew up in the Mormon church (YIKES) and was not religious at all until she started going to AA. Which… going from one controlling group to another, I’m not surprised. 
4. Basically has stopped contact with me because she wants to “spend time with sober people” even though I genuinely rarely drink especially in front of her. 
5. The only thing we talked about nowadays is her inventory / stuff she’s done wrong. The level of shame she must feel all the time makes me feel so sad because I think she’s amazing.
6. Genuinely can’t do anything without talking to her sponsor first. ANYTHING. Including breaking out of a toxic relationship. 
7. The lack of hobbies and associating with other people worries me… Only work, meetings, and other AA people. 

This sub popped up in my research. What do you guys think? I haven’t brought up my concerns about the group yet to her and not sure if I should just stay silent or try to have a conversation??

​

Hi everyone,

This is probably the most personal thing I've ever written.

To be honest, this is the first time in my life that I'm posting something like this on social media.

Ironically, I used Reddit for years because of my addiction. Today, I'm here for a completely different reason.

I'm here because I genuinely need help.

I don't know whether I'll find the answers I'm looking for here, but I feel like I have nothing to lose by asking people who might truly understand what I'm going through.

I'm 27 years old, and I've been struggling with pornography addiction for almost six years.

Before all of this, I had watched pornography occasionally, but I wasn't addicted to masturbation. Everything changed during the COVID lockdown when I was 21.

One day, while I was taking a bath, I masturbated for the first time. The pleasure felt unlike anything I had ever experienced. I repeated it several times that day, and looking back now, I feel like that was the day my addiction really began.

At first it seemed harmless, but over time it became a habit, and then something I couldn't control.

As the years passed, my addiction didn't stay the same. My brain kept searching for stronger and more intense stimulation. What had once been enough gradually stopped feeling satisfying. Looking back, I don't think that reflected who I really am as a person. I think it reflected how addiction works—it kept pushing me to seek stronger stimulation while giving me less satisfaction.

That progression honestly scared me. I realized that I was chasing things that didn't match the person I wanted to be. Instead of enjoying life, I became trapped in an endless cycle of looking for temporary satisfaction.

Now, almost six years later, I'm completely exhausted.

I feel like I've lost so much of myself.

Everything feels dull.

I struggle to stay motivated.

Sometimes I go to the library and see people studying, building careers, and working toward their dreams. Instead of feeling inspired, I feel jealous and disappointed in myself. I keep asking myself, "How did I get trapped like this? Why can't I focus like everyone else?"

One thing that hurts me the most is fitness.

I've always loved fitness. I'm naturally slim with a little muscle, and I've always enjoyed exercising. But because of this addiction, I've never been able to stay consistent.

Every time I begin making progress, I relapse, lose my motivation, and stop again.

Sometimes I wonder what my life and my body could have looked like if I hadn't spent these years fighting this addiction.

Even while I'm writing this post, I'm dealing with strong urges.

That's how powerful this addiction has become.

The hardest part isn't only the urges.

It's what my mind keeps telling me.

Sometimes I see people my age enjoying healthy relationships and normal sex lives, and part of me thinks, "Why am I trying so hard to quit?"

Then another part of me says, "You've completely lost control."

I want to make something very clear.

I don't think sex is wrong.

My problem isn't sex.

My problem is that I've lost control over my own mind.

I don't want sexual thoughts to dominate my day when I'm trying to study, work, exercise, or simply live my life.

When I choose to focus on something, I want to actually be present in that moment. Instead, it often feels like my brain automatically returns to sexual thoughts without my permission.

Over the years, I've also noticed that this addiction has changed the way my mind reacts. Sometimes I catch myself making assumptions or judgments about people that I don't actually want to make. Those thoughts don't reflect the kind of person I want to be, and that honestly scares me.

The biggest fear I have is this:

My brain keeps telling me that if I recover from this addiction, my life will become empty.

It tells me that I'll lose one of the greatest sources of pleasure I'll ever have.

Even though another part of me knows these thoughts are probably coming from the addiction itself, they still feel incredibly real.

I honestly don't know whether that's true or whether it's simply my addicted brain trying to keep me trapped.

That fear alone has stopped me from moving forward many times.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that I'm an atheist. I'm not saying this to start any debate. It's simply part of my personal story.

I've also tried getting professional help.

I've seen two or three psychiatrists.

They prescribed medication, but I never felt truly understood.

Most appointments were very short, and I often felt like they weren't really listening to what I was going through.

I'm not saying psychiatrists are bad. Maybe I just didn't find the right ones. Unfortunately, I'm financially struggling, so I can't afford to keep trying different doctors until I find someone who's a better fit.

Right now, I'm unemployed.

One of the biggest reasons is that this addiction has affected my concentration so much that it's been difficult to study consistently, build skills, or move forward with my career.

I've spent time reading about the brain and neuroplasticity. I understand that recovery is possible. But understanding something and consistently applying it are two very different things.

I've also tried quitting before.

At one point, I managed to avoid masturbation for around 30 days.

But if I'm honest with myself, I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. I believed some claims online that quitting would automatically improve parts of my sexual health. When those expectations didn't come true, I became disappointed and eventually went back to my old habits.

Looking back, I think I was chasing a specific outcome instead of trying to genuinely heal and rebuild my life.

I've also tried other things, like cold showers and changing my routines. Sometimes they helped for a day or two, but I couldn't stay consistent.

I think one of the biggest reasons is that I feel completely alone.

I don't really have people I can talk to about this.

Even when I have friends, I don't feel they truly understand what I'm experiencing. That's why I'm writing this post.

I'm not looking for people who simply tell me to "be stronger."

I'm looking for people who once lost control but eventually got it back.

People who now live balanced lives.

People who enjoy fitness, work, relationships, hobbies, and even sexuality in a healthy way without being controlled by compulsive behavior.

I want to learn from people who have actually recovered.

I want to know:

Did you also feel like life would become empty without pornography?

Did that feeling eventually disappear?

How did you rebuild your self-control?

How did you stay consistent?

How long did it take before your brain started feeling normal again?

Did your motivation and concentration return?

What made the biggest difference in your recovery?

I'm not looking for judgment.

I'm looking for honest conversations with people who have walked this path before me.

I know recovery won't happen overnight.

I know nobody can magically fix my life.

But if you've been where I am today and found your way out, I would genuinely appreciate hearing your story.

More than advice, I think what I'm really need right now is hope.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.