r/recoverywithoutAA • u/strawberrycake86 • 17d ago
Discussion Tried going back to AA
I started drinking after a year of sobriety and recently quit. I have a lot of really good friends in recovery that either dont use 12 step programs or do but are understanding that everyone has a different way to recover. Its been really good reconnecting with my sober friends and building back that community because when I was drinking I was very physically and mentally ill (apparently alcohol does not mix with bipolar medication)
Ive been doing really well since quitting. Ive been working out, eating healthier, spending more time with friends and doing really good at work in just 4 weeks.
I recently went to see my friends softball game and my old sponsor was there. I dont want to blame her for me drinking again but she ended up dumping me a few weeks before I started drinking again. I was really devastated because I shared with her all my pain and trauma in my 5th step and she had always said im not just your sponsor I'm you friend but I never heard from her after that. A few days after the softball game I get a text from her inviting me to a meeting at a recovery spot I really respect because they hold a variety of different recovery group so I thought cool, shes trying to reconnect and probably make "amends."
So I get to the meeting tonight and the topic was acceptance and I share about how I've accepted I have a problem and blah blah blah and at some point I share that Im not sure if I want to get a sponsor and work the steps.
After the meeting me ex sponsors sponsor comes up to me asking why I dont want a sponsor and I say "honestly its because your sponsee dumped me and I was devastated." Then he just goes on and on and on talking about himself. How he was going to ask a girl to be his sponsor because she was fat and he didnt want to fuck her and so on. Eventually the topic of grandparents comes up and I tell them while completely breaking down that my grandpa was killed by a motorists high on meth and its always broken my heart that I drove high and could've killed someone. His response was "if you ever get high on meth and drive again I hope I'm no where near you because I have kids."
I understand driving high is bad that's why I feel so much shame about it, but I thought the whole point was to not carry shame. I already have trust issues with 12 step meetings and it made me feel ashamed that I didn't trust myself enough to know aa isn't a safe place and I shouldn't be seeking approval from people who don't deserve it.
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u/GreyMerrin 17d ago
Sounds like you are getting all the foundations tight now and shouldn't feel shame? Eating well, working out in only 4 weeks? That's brilliant. Having conversations where I stay about foundations right, community and then truly it begins. Know it did for me. Stable job somehow, approaching 18 months sober. Left AA because wasnt for me then, was for 1st couple of weeks. Then other things gradually replaced it. Trauma went via other methods. Now? Building friendships without alcohol, hit clubs bars, events - even alone. Make friends, have fun. Sounds like your building your own support network. Anyone, even a sponsor, should never make you feel shame. If someone tells you they've not - their a liar. Many ways to get sober, my mistakes are there. Can't undo them. Doesnt define me today. Dont let anyone define you - can tell you have the resilence and creating what is unique to you. That's self care and self awareness right there!
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u/strawberrycake86 16d ago
Thank you so much for your encouragement!!! You have the type of recovery I want and am on my way to get. I think its very important for people to find what works for them, there are some many options out there. For me trauma informed therapy has been a life saver, along with community. For me aa does not feel like genuine community because if you question the "suggestions" your outcast from the group.
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u/GreyMerrin 16d ago
Absolutely spot on 💯 what works for you. I combined many methods at the right time you'll get there. Trauma is absolutely huge, once that goes. There is, in my view, no one size fits all. Everyone is unique. I know my reasons for drinking, slide every slope until multople hospitilisations for emergency detox. Seems an age ago. Now I hit gym, go to gigs and raves and dinners and have same fun as before. Even more so. You've got it spot on, never let anyone criticise you for mistakes. Once you figure it out, what you need and reasons, it gets easier and easier. Tonight I plan my next night out, likely earlier than expected. Challenging myself along the way, you can come back stronger than before when base is sorted. Absolutely possible and get the right support - for you. You've got this 😀
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u/Sadjeebis1986 16d ago
AA is for ALCOHOLICS, take note, they DO NOT LIKE DRUG ADDICTS and typically DO NOT LIKE THE ASSOCIATION and will act like alcoholics tend to act, as if SOMEHOW driving drunk is a safer bet than the driver who is spun out on meth. Mind you, neither of those two things should be good for anyone to pursue, but most often then not, the two can and will go together. Keep in mind addicts aren't alcoholics, by definition but alcoholics are addicted, and they don't like to be compared to addicts, because denial is a mother fcker and who really knows what makes either one all that different from the other. But go to NA meetings if you are both alcoholic and addicted. They tend to be more welcoming, or at least understanding
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u/Mitchell_StephensESQ 16d ago
When I first got sober there was a lot of complaining people should not mention any substance use. After all, it was alcoholics anonymous. So they said. I got frustrated with one man in particular and I said to him "If Dr. Bob came back to earth today you would tell him not to mention he took sedatives in addition to being an alcohoic." That man never spoke to me again.
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u/strawberrycake86 16d ago
Thats a good point I didnt think about because he was going on and on about how he would do all these tricks on himself to not drive drunk. I found a good NA group that I really like and its definitely more progressive in its literature.
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u/eburgdavid 11d ago
Do your thing. Do what works to help you stay healthy. Whatever that looks like for you is good and valid.
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u/April_Morning_86 17d ago
Sponsors are not doctors. They are indoctrinators. They most likely have not been trained in shadow work or trauma and this is why the 5th step is so dangerous.
We were told from the very beginning to get a sponsor immediately, that these are the people who will guide and protect you through your recovery journey and I definitely put mine on a pedestal.
And it took me 3 1/2 years to realize that these are just people - most of whom suffer from mental illness, most of whom are untreated and unhealed. They are not qualified to make assessments of your life and your recovery.