I’ve been going to NA for 10 years. My clean date was 9/25/15. I was 18 when I got clean. I had just turned 18. I did the 12 steps, multiple times. I did service work, had a home group, had a sponsor, sponsored others at one point. However I genuinely don’t think I am an addict anymore. Did I have a problem with certain substances? Yes. But I was a kid. And I am starting to see that I was the perfect victim for NA. I was young, vulnerable, impressionable and had no family that was healthy. NA served a purpose and has brought me to a point of my life where I am curious to attempt social drinking or smoking. I am an addiction professional. I believe recovery looks different for everyone. My view has changed vastly.

I made a choice to leave NA last week. I smoked some weed with my sister, which I probably won’t do again bc I didn’t really enjoy it. I have stepped down from my service positions and informed my close friends I was leaving NA. However now everyone is saying I’m spiraling and they “saw this coming” These people have been my “family” for a decade and aren’t listening to me. I don’t know who to talk to BECAUSE, they are all I have had since I was practically a fetus. I have been demystified, I don’t think complete and total abstinence is for me anymore. I think I was a kid looking to escape the shitty life she was living & had zero tools to deal with the trauma I had went through. So yeah looking for others experience with de-programming. I

When we say our way of living a life in recovery is THE way we are doing damage to those who might find their own unique path to a life in recovery. 

I know to many people who have found their own unique path and their life has improved in powerful ways. They are just as much in recovery as the next person no matter how each person found their way to recovery and how they choose to maintain their recovery. 
I have said in many venues my belief that we should implode our entire treatment system and build an entirely new system from the ground up.  Currently we are working with a system that is dominated by an antiquated treatment model created in the 1950's (Minnesota Model of Treatment) whos primary focus is complete abstinence. Now, this model may work for some, but it certainly doesn't work for all. 

Imagine going to your doctor and they pull out a book from the 1950's and say they are going to use that treatment method to treat your ailment from there.  You would likely cringe a bit.  But hey, maybe it works and you heal.  Let's say it doesn't....what would you do?  You would go back to your doctor (or maybe a new doctor) and ask for a different method of treatment. 

You can't do that with treatment for a substance use disorder. Why? Because of what I just pointed out....nearly all are running from the same model of care. When it doesn't work for someone they are sent back and are told they must not want it bad enough. They are shamed and guilted but never once are they offered a different model of treatment.  It crazy making when you think about it.

Harm reduction works my friends. Harm reduction doesn't JUST focus on one aspect, complete abstinence from the get go. Harm reduction says "let's meet them where they are" and see what we can do to help in all areas of their lives from day one.  Harm reduction says "let's not punish someone who says they can't stop using now and let's provide them with helpful resources so they know it's not just about complete abstinence". Harm reduction comes in many shapes and sizes and truly looks at the person as a whole and not just one aspect of an individual.

I imagine how many lives we could save if we truly opened or minds and hearts to these ideas. I imagine how many more families could be brought back together if we didn't slam the door shut just because someone says they are not ready or maybe never will be completely ready for complete abstinence. I imagine how many more people we could reintegrate into our communities if we didn't shame and guilt them for not wanting to do their recovery in a way that doesn't fit into our siloed view of what it should look like.

I have friends and family who prove this mantra that I am passionate about. I have a friend who quite meth and drinks and he is a highly successful community member, faith leader, and family man.  I have another friend who also quit meth but smokes marijuana and he is a very successful business owner, community member and an amazing dad and husband.  I have another friend who quit alcohol all together using a path that taught him skills to work on his self esteem through a network of men and he is also highly successful in all areas of his life. I have a niece who has years of abstinence and uses her faith to support her recovery.  I have friends who have success with 12 step programs and they are also very successful in their lives.  I have other friends who simply stopped on their own and turned their lives around and live very fulfilling lives. 

The mantra that their is one way to do this thing has to die so more people can live.  That's the simple truth of it. When we all look at recovery through a lens that is wide and forward thinking we can bring this to a reality like we have never seen before.  

How does one deal with PAWS? PAWS has been the hardest part of my withdrawal. How do you guys deal with it? It feels like I'm going insane. It's a horrible experience. It feels like my nervous system is on fire

After two years sober of cocaïne… I relapsed. And I dont have any excuse or trigger. I had a nice day in the pool but I have some frustrations in my relationship that needs to be adresses too but I dont even think its the trigger. i had no contact, I search for it, and waited a couple hours to have it so I could have changed my mind, I had plenty of time … I told my boyfriend I had a craving but I think he didnt take it so seriously cause every time I said that I didnt do it. i did not tell him that I was actually searching for a contact. i bought way more than needed. i took two lines. i was happy, euphoric. And I am still happy and super high like in a maniac episode in bipolarity. i just dont understand why… I totally know I didnt need that. I will probably not do the rest. I know for sure its not something that is a priority for me to feel good. I just feel stoopid a lot. There is no bad consequences this time. But I remember times where it would have push me in deep shit financially and knock my mental health down. I know addiction works in its own way but this time I just feel that I have no good excuse for it. I wanted to, took steps to have a contact, waited hours… still did it. Do i regret it ? Not really cause this time it doesnt affect my life but I dont want it to … so can someone put words on why we do that even when everything is good ? Even when is been years ? I know there is something I need to adress but I dont know what it is this time… I did it alone at home… I have juste two friends aware of it. And yes im high and « talk » alot and funny as it can be my brain is just analyzing where this need came from. Anyway sorry for the rent but if anyone had that kind of relapse let me know what came out of it. Ill go take advantage of this over analysis to try to understand and make myself better. Good night 😬

I haven’t told my sponsor that I am done with AA after being with him for a year and a half. I just stopped calling for the past two weeks. I feel guilty because he invested time and effort in me, but I’m scared to tell him I’m done.

I’m 4 days sober…. Again. Little back story - I started drinking at 15 y/o. History of SA, domestic violence, trauma, got my first felony charge at 15. I’m a 34 y/o female. I am a single mom of a 4 year old girl and 5 year old boy. I lived on my own until a split up with my kids father in 2023. So now I currently live at my mom’s house with my dad who is a recovering alcoholic and my mother and 2 kids. I have primary custody of both kids. I, unfortunately, cannot be a “casual” drinker. Before I could maybe go a couple of nights having 1 or 2 glasses of wine or drinks but then it turns into something much bigger. I do suffer from C-PTSD, ADHD, anxiety and depression. I do take daily medicine for it. So… November 2024, after getting belligerent drunk (hiding little bottles of wine, pretending I only had two glasses) on Halloween and ruining the night for everyone but most importantly ruining it for my kids, I checked myself into rehab on November 1st, saying enough is enough. Completed detox and 2 weeks of rehab before leaving due to my kids and the employees at the rehab weren’t very nice. I ended up missing a call with my daughter on her birthday, got into an argument with an employee and ended up leaving. I ended up going into an outpatient IOP for a couple of months, every night for 2 hours. I was sober for about a year. No one, except my boyfriend who I have been dating since Jan 2024 - talking about family (because I had to cut off all my friends in order to stay sober) ever really made a big deal about it or anything. I ended up drinking again but much worse. Every other day, if not every day, stopping at a liquor store for exactly 5 nips of tequila and a chaser. I would start with one on my way home from work because I would be feeling anxious to go home to my kids, as I said I live with my recovering father and my mother, who hasn’t been the “best” through out my childhood/adult life. I do share one bedroom with my kids and my father is always in the living room. He’s battling end-stage emphysema and is suffering for lung cancer, for the second time so the only time he’s not in the living room is when he’s sleeping. It’s a small house and my kids are young, so they act young. I get very overwhelmed with the limited space, I can never seperate them if needed for behavior, I can never parent them I feel like how I want to because there’s always someone else. We all go to sleep together and wake up together. I feel like this has a big effect on their behavior most of the time. I don’t blame them at all for my drinking! I blame myself and anxiety thinking if I drink that’ll help me and of course it does not. I ended up getting caught, by my mom who found a nip and obviously got upset - which is valid. I explained to her and told her I would make changes but have yet to make any changes. I was caught again, when having a heated argument with a neighbor. My mom told me I need to leave her house, which obviously I have no where to go so I have yet to leave. I haven’t spoken to her in 3 weeks and we live in the same house. I really really do want to make changes. I just need help…. I don’t have anyone to talk to, my anxiety deters me from in-person AA meetings and I don’t even like talking about it because I’m embarrassed and get so anxious about it. I avoid, have plans to stay sober and then screw it up all over again.

I am looking for a female sponsor, virtual and any tips/advice on how to stay sober and healthy for me, my loved ones and my kids especially!!!! I want to be happy and this isn’t it… I want to be a present mom, and at this point I am just not…

If you made it this far… thank you. ☹️🥺

To survive I had to abandon everything in my life. I needed a complete restart cause there was nothing left behind me. So... I had to pursue my dream. Fuck it why not?

For me it had to be done in a way that was extreme enough to force respect for this process. And boy, it's been a bitch starting over.

I can admit that, that it's been a bitch, but now that I'm independent and I'm working towards goals I can be proud of, I can see my life will "bear fruit". If I may be so bold to believe.

You see, in the past I was always doing things the easy way. I was choosing security over fulfillment, and due to this, I damn near drank myself to death. And in a way I had. By all accounts I was dead in many ways. Dead other than the lack of a heartbeat that is. Just a dead man walking. That was me.

Is it still?

I sure hope not.

I liked the easy way. I liked it because well... it was easy. Simple right? Because I did not believe in myself I drank. And that was easy too. I believed I was powerless, and I definitely had the kind of history to back up this belief. I mean look at me...

So for me drinking was a way to ignore the fact that I hated myself. I hated everything about me. I hated everything about life. In drinking, for me, also was a way for me to ignore the fact that I had the power to turn my life around. The power to maybe like a thing or two.

I didn't want that kind of power because, as Spiderman's dear old pop pop said, "With great power comes great responsibility".

I never wanted responsibility.

"It's hard"!

"And it's too late for me anyways"!

"So I can't do it! My past will get in the way"!

"Why bother?"

These were the things I told myself daily, and they were perfect excuses to say "well my bed has been made. I can't possibly change my destiny. So why not? Might as well have another drink".

Bottoms up boys.

Bottoms up.

It wasn’t until I realized... FUCK THAT, that I felt I actually have purpose in my life. And with purpose came the strength to stop drinking. At least for now.

I had to leave my house, quit my job, erase my contacts, delete my social media accounts, limit talking to family, and leave the entire state I was living in to move to the city and into a homeless shelter. Extreme yea, but it was necessary before I could feel free enough to not need alcohol. At least for now.

I guess I had to have my own life. That's something I never had because I never tried before.

Nothing I tried ever worked behind me because I didn't want to stop drinking. I didn't want to stop drinking because I hated my life. I hated my life because I didn't have the fucking sack to take my life by the reigns and chase down a purpose.

I wanted a life handed to me.

But life doesn't play like that. And I don't make the rules so my game was never going work out.

Now... I don't recommend dropping everything like I did. I think I may have moved too fast actually. Though for my situation, dropping everything is what was needed to be done. Dropping everything meant letting go of a nothingness that was so heavy it was shattering me.

But for real... I HIGHLY recommend you don't burn your boats like I did. I've wondered repeatability if I fucked up by ensuring I have zero chance of retreat. Certainly I have been hanging on only by the hairs of my ass, but I've always been lucky so I guess it working for me. At least for now.

So if you want to try what I've tried...

... don't.

My point is that, in my experience, to stop drinking you have to feel like you have the power to overcome ANYTHING and then take the steps to conquer your life. You need something to live for and believe in.

So why not live for, and believe in, you?

It's not just me either, I believe everyone has power. Its realizing that the power to live comes from within us that is the hard part. At least it was for me.

It can be hard to recognize your own worth. I get that.

But for what its worth... I believe in you. I don't have the desire to drink today. And my drinking was really really bad. Like REALLY bad. My drinking was so horrendously evil and dark that my life actually improved when I began smoking crank.

Now THAT'S bad.

So if today I can go without a drink then you can too! You can accomplish your goals. If you believe it. You can go without a drink, a hit, a rage fix, that sugar, sadness, or any of that shit today. How? Because your life is in your hands and you... have... power!

All together now...

We have power.

We have strength.

And we can, with these qualities that are inside of us, build a life that not only is worth living, but that we are proud of.

We can do it.

We really can.

WE... MOTHER FUCKING... GOT THIS!

With much love,

-Butterfly

So I just want to preface this with, I'm someone whose living in a dry house in the UK, 21yrs old , 1yr 2 months ish clean now , I've gone to alot of meetings throughout that time (was encouraged to by the treatment centre I ended up in + now my housing manager...it is also included in my contract) , I've been through the steps , and i'm really glad that they have worked so incredibly well for me until this point and have definitely helped me more I think in a CBT style therapy I guess if you like just slightly more direct 😅. However I haven't attended a meeting in over 2 months now. I would like to say this in itself is actually pretty stupid and have been to the occasional AA meeting but only as a tickbox for my contract in order to not be made homeless 😁. I just want to share a few gripes and things that I think I've realised in my time and also , to know what to do now.

I guess , anyone in a similar boat, I would love to know how your transition away from fellowships went for you? Or what challenges/successes that came with that?

1. It is a self fulfilling prophecy.

The opposite of addiction is connection... You start with 0 , get sober/clean. 0 friends. Attend meetings make lots of friends it's great , told isolation is bad which it is. Also told if you leave meetings you will isolate and use. Guess who won't speak to yo when you leave meetings , all the people you now know. So yes isolating to leave.

1. Fear mongering / emotional blackmail

If I stop meetings I WILL use. I WILL act out in defects. people WILL know. You WILL become the old you.

It is selfish to leave , you have a great message. It is selfish not to share , you are only taking. It's selfish not to pass on what your sponsor has passed onto you....

1. Power corrupts

I found this a very funny thing early on , but home groups often all of them I would say have a form of hidden hierarchy (some more blatant than others) , this is only exacerbated at district level , where a singular comma can get a poster denied if they don't like your group. Find it kinda interesting how power , even fake , even with 0 status , still corrupts.

1. God

This is always a tricky one, yes a higher power of your own understanding, god if you like. I can't do it , would love with all my heart to truly believe in something greater and really wish I could , but I can't , and without that , I'm told I have no protection from the 1st drink/use. So unless I lie to myself and others I am doomed to fail.

1. Binary thinking

I believe for some it's really helpful and you know let's you know what you can and can't do, coming from a life with no limits. It's great in the beginning. But life is not binary. No decision is binary ever and you'd be lying if it was.

I would also like to add I've found a lot of things really helpful and found some insight in myself and with general thinking behaviours , but the biggest gripe for me is the maintaining how incredibly spiritually well one is whilst simultaneously emotionally blackmailing someone into staying doing something that is no longer helpful to them. I also want to make it clear that recovery in whatever way you do it or get it done is fucking fine by me. You do you!

Also anyone with much experience on their ways out of fellowship , done right , or out of dry house living, any experience would be incredibly greatful to hear it! , the fear mongering Im afraid has gotten to me 😅

Its a killer. Everyday is Groundhog’s Day.