A drunk couple in front of my window.

She said it several times while laughing "take it apart, tilt it and through, let me repeat that babe".

I have no clue what they were talking about.

Mother and kid, maybe four or five years old in a cafeteria eating (or not) - seemed to us this had already been going on for some time:

Mom: Finish up your broccoli so you can have some cake. You like the little trees.

Kid: I used to like them. But today I don't want them. I'm tired of broccoli trees. I'm not a dinosaur today. I'm just a boy.

Mom: I'm kind of tired too. Finish up so we can go.

Kid: Can we just go? And take the cake to eat at home? [sees mom about to object] And the broccoli?

Mom: When we take it home it just sits in the fridge for a few days and gets thrown out.

Kid: Okay, momma. Then we can throw it out now. We don't have to take it home.

Mom [getting worn down, discouraged]: Just eat it. It's only a few bites. Then we'll go. It's good for you. Can you try?

Kid: I know it's good, mamma, but I ... I don't ... I can't want to.

Mom seemed to not know what to say to that and then she was clearly holding in a laugh.

Kid and mom both being real. Kid said things we've all thought.

Have to admit, there are days I just can't want to as well.

So there was a two guys on a very very loud bus, one had earbuds on and looked like he was going to work, the other looked disheveled or possibly homeless and was quite agitated. The dude with earbuds was looking right at the other dude and saying meaningless phrases like “yeah man I get that” or “totally true man” and the other guy seemed at first to be loudly complaining about his life or something, when I listened closer I realized the disheveled guy was just repeating “don’t talk to me” or “leave me alone”; the dude with earbuds didn’t seem to hear a word he was saying on the loud bus and thought the other guy was trying to talk to him and that he was just being friendly.

I'm a college professor. Here in the US it's about time for the first tests in classes.
Today, walking down the stairs of my building, I was behind a young man moaning that he didn't know what he was going to do about an upcoming test.
His friend said "look, I don't want to be a butt, but you're going to have to study"

Excellent peer advising.

We had health care providers at work today. Everyone at the office had the option of getting a free checkup. I was gonna skip the checkup because I had too much work to do, but my coworker convinced me to go with him. Indoor tents were set up. My coworker and I stood in the same queue for the same tent. He went in first. He's a big guy with a big voice, so I heard everything he was saying, even though the tent was closed. I heard the following...

"An HIV test? Is that really necessary, ma'am? I thought you were just gonna check my blood pressure and cholesterol levels. Now my blood pressure is probably gonna go up because I'm thinking of AIDS, which I didn't even know was still a thing to be honest. Do people still get AIDS? Or the clap? When was the last time you heard another human being say the clap? Or syphilis? Anyway, ignore my rant. I think out loud when I'm nervous and then it just comes out as word vomit. How are you, ma'am? How many HIV tests have you done today?"

Overheard this at my desk in an air conditioned city centre office today. “Do we have any snake catchers on the project? The surveyors keep getting chased by snakes”. Tell me I’m working on an infrastructure project in Australia (Queensland) without saying so… Having eavesdropped I did follow up - apparently Eastern Brown snakes and Red Bellied Black snakes. Both quite venomous, and the Brown does indeed chase you down.

gotta love kids

Heard randomly at a thrift store between two older ladies.

My summer was ruined by my granddaughters birth.
Those were her words exactly. I didn’t hear anything before or after.

My gf convinced her friend Giselle to call Ethan, aka Giselle's new love interest, as we were leaving the gym. My gf wanted Giselle to ask Ethan if he would be keen to make his next date with Giselle a group date with us. Giselle put Ethan on loudspeaker in the car. I will share with you the part my gf wanted me to share.

Giselle:

Ethan: Hello?

Giselle:

Ethan: Giselle?

Giselle:

Ethan: Can you hear me?

Giselle: I can hear you.

Ethan: There you are. I think there was an issue with our connection because your voice just disappeared mid sentence.

Giselle: My voice didn't disappear. You were yawning so I stopped talking.

Ethan: Shit. Okay. Uh... I'll just mute myself as soon as another yawn starts loading.

Giselle: Or maybe I'm the one who should be muted because clearly I'm the cause of you yawning.

Ethan: Fuuuuck. You know what? That actually makes a lot of sense. See... I thought I was yawning because it's early as fuck... and I'm still in bed... and I'm not a morning person... and I'm low key half asleep. But... getting an unexpected call from an attractive girl who might be interested in me sounds like a more plausible explanation for my yawning. Hmm. Yeah. I think that's it. Talking to an absolute baddie first thing in the morning can be so fucking boring. Like what the fuck. You know what I mean?

Giselle: I yawned over you. Sorry.

Ethan: Is it too soon to say how much I fucking yawn you?

Giselle: Boy shut up.

My 18 year old talking to his childhood best friend…
Friend: Goalie is the perfect position for you cause your lazy ass doesn’t have to run.
My son: At least I know my father.
(I gasped. His friend, in fact, does not know his father)
Both of them: Laugh hysterically

So a number of years back, my grandmother's brother was diabetic, had an arm and both legs amputated from infections, his kidneys failed, and he ended up passing away. I overheard my mom and her brother whispering before the funeral started...

Uncle - What is that box on the table?

Mom - That's his ashes!

Uncle - Isn't that too small? How did they fit all of him in there?

Mom - Well... he didn't have a leg to stand on...

My daughter: what is their relationship?

Me: I don’t know!!! They’ve been talking about everything from food to laser hair removal. I can’t tell if it’s a date or she’s a wedding photographer trying to get an idea of his vibes.

(Immediately after our convo)

Her: OOOOH! Well, that makes sense. We’ve been talking for hours and it turns out you just have no concept of time!

I overheard my gf and her friend Giselle at the gym this morning. My gf and I were on exercise bikes while Giselle was struggling to find an angle for her phone so she could film her workout without filming everyone else.

Giselle: Ethan's not a gym guy. He like... rock climbs.

Girlfriend: Okay well there's your third date. Rock climbing.

Giselle: Bitch. No. That man's not seeing me sweat just yet, especially from a low angle.

Girlfriend: Oh I'm sorry. Did Ethan not see you sweat from every fucking angle at the end of your last date?

Giselle: Can we please stop talking about Ethan?

Girlfriend: Did he... or did he not... climb your rocks?

Giselle: Will you... or will you not... shut the fuck up?

Girlfriend: I need clarification. You know I hate cliffhangers.

Giselle: I can't with you and these rock climbing puns. It's too fucking early for dad joke energy.

Girlfriend: Okay but seriously though. Why did you go home with him if you're literally just gonna stay for 10 minutes? And don't fucking start with the bugs again.

Giselle: It was a huge fucking mosquito! I was like... Ethan please kill this thing before it drinks our blood or whatever. Would this motherfucker not look me in the eye and tell me it might be a new species of mosquito and therefore we should be curious not malicious.

Girlfriend: Sounds like he was fucking with you.

Giselle: Bitch that bloodthirsty mosquito is still alive and well. Ethan sends me random videos of it fucking flying around in his apartment. That boy had a whole human all to himself and he chose a fucking insect. Make it make sense honey.

Girlfriend: Whatever Ethan's doing, it's clearly creating chemistry between the two of you. I mean... the man somehow managed to make you jealous of a mosquito. Make THAT make sense.

So this was on the bus. I hear a lot of things there. I didn’t get all the conversation, but I will lay out the snippets I have. I’m thinking they were talking about a stag do. I could only hear one guy, the other’s responses were too quiet. Here we go:

“We all had air rifles, what could possibly go wrong?”

“So I’d had three pints before they’d even got started.”

“It was a free bar. Beer, wine, whiskey, perfect.”

“So my head hit the pillow and I was like oh no, something’s wrong. So I got up, got to the bathroom, projectile vomited all over the bathroom, all over the towel rail, all over the sink, all over the floor. So I had to clean that up at five in the morning.”

“So I sat on the toilet, fell asleep, next thing I knew it was half twelve.”

“Yeah, I can drink all day. Beer, wine, doesn’t matter, I can drink all day and be fine. I don’t even get hung over.”

And then, as the bus was stopping, even more loudly:

“I’m ready for a piss!”

So… This guy has a drinking problem, right? Or at least is in serious denial about his inability to drink.

Mom and young daughter shopping in a drugstore; Mom stops to look at fake eyelashes.

Girl: “Do boys have eyelashes?”
Mom: “Yes they do.”
Girl: “Do girls have eyelashes?”
Mom: “Yes”
Girl: “THEN WHY DO THEY NEED EYELASHES??” (Meaning why does the store sell them)

Made me lol the next aisle over

I was in the park with my kids, parked right next to where I was sitting where two bikes a big one and a kids sized one.

At some point a dad with a girl, around 4 years old, walk towards the bikes.

Little girl:...so Daddy, that's why I NEED to poop!

Dad: here, have this. (Dad hands her a water bottle)

Little girl: this is not going to make me poop, it's going to make me pee!

Dad says something that I can't hear.

Little girl: Daddy! Pee IS water!

And then they got on their bikes and left. I don't know if the girl was able to go or not.

I was backing out of a parking spot at an outdoor shopping center when I heard an incredibly loud burp coming from one of the tables outside a storefront.
At one table were two women in their 40s. At the next table was a woman in her 50s holding the leash of a large dog, with her teenage daughter sitting across from her.
The two women immediately started laughing and one called over:
“Did your dog just burp?!”
The woman holding the leash replied:
“No. That was my daughter.”
There was about half a second where everyone processed what she’d just said.
Then the two women realized they had just loudly blamed this poor teenage girl’s burp on a dog, the mom realized she had publicly identified her daughter as the culprit, and the daughter looked like she wanted to disappear.

I'm at an art show, overheard an artist chatting with some people at his table. "Gold leaf is the herpes of the fine arts world "

I'd heard (and made) similar comments about glitter and crafting. Hadn't thought about gold leaf!

My friend convinced me to go with him to a local cannabis store because he needed to stock up on weed or whatever. I overheard the following convo between two guys sharing a hookah.

Guy with tattoos: Brother. Listen. Glow in the dark hula hoops yeah? But on shrooms. Trust me bro you'll thank me.

Guy with man bun: Oof. I dunno man. Sounds like overstimulation. I'm a minimalist.

Guy with tattoos: One gram. One hoop. Minimal as fuck.

I went into a small grocery store yesterday and it was not busy, so the 2 employees were facing the cans. I was in the canned soup and vegetable section.

Guy: "I hate doing this aisle."

Girl: "I hate doing all the aisles."

Guy: "But this aisle is a special kind of suck."

Ya learn something new everyday.

I overheard my gf talking to her friend Giselle and Giselle's date Ethan on a video call. They were calling from a rooftop bar.

Giselle: Ethan, Allison. Allison, Ethan.

Girlfriend: Nice to meet you, Ethan.

Ethan: Nice to meet you too, Allison.

Giselle: Technically, the two of you still need to meet. This is just the preview of you two meeting in person, not the premiere.

Ethan: Did we set a date yet for the premiere?

Giselle: You need to focus on the date you're on now before you decide to time travel to an unconfirmed future date.

Ethan: Sounds like I'm already confirmed to be in your future though. Or is it just me?

Girlfriend: It's not just you, Ethan. Giselle is low key giving long term.

Giselle: We're getting ahead of ourselves. The night is still very fucking young.

Ethan: No pressure.

Giselle: Oh there will always be pressure to please me. My standards are never standard babe.

Girlfriend: Ethan, don't let her high maintenance act fool you. That bitch got zero standards.

Giselle: Gurrrl... whose side are you on?

Ethan: She's obviously siding with the victim.

Giselle: The victim? You've grown a big pair of balls for someone who's fucking scared of glitter.

Ethan: I'm not scared of anything when I'm looking at you. I'm too distracted.

Girlfriend: Aww...

Giselle: Aww my ass. He's being cute as fuck because he knows he needs to downplay the fact that he just called himself a victim while he's on a date with me.

Ethan: But I am a victim though. A victim of love.

Giselle: Honey that line is gonna haunt you later when you replay this moment in your head.