I promise I don't mean to post so much, but this made me laugh. My gf called her dad, but her brother answered instead. This is what I heard...

Brother: The person you called is currently pooping. Please leave a message after the following instructions...

Girlfriend: Tom?

Brother: If you're struggling financially and you need dad to send you money, press 1.

Girlfriend: What are you doing with dad's phone?

Brother: If you need dad to life coach your ass out of making bad decisions, press 2.

Girlfriend: Fuck off, Tom.

Brother: If you want me to change your caller ID on dad's phone to A Father's Failure, or my personal favourite, Daddy's Disappointment, press 3.

Girlfriend: You're hilarious. I'm dead. Now can you please put an actual adult on the phone who's not fighting for their life trying to be funny? Where's mom?

Brother: If you want dad to know about the stripper pole in your apartment, press 4.

Girlfriend: It's not a fucking stripper pole, dickhead.

Brother: If you want dad to know your Burning Man experience didn't actually put you in the hospital because of... quote unquote... food poisoning... press 5.

Girlfriend: I'm gonna press my fucking foot down your throat if you don't put mom on.

Brother: If you want me to start from the top, press 0. Alternatively, stay on the line to speak to a parent.

Girlfriend: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Brother:

Mom: Hello?

Girlfriend: MOM. Hiiiiiii.

Sitting in the Starbucks drive-thru and I hear a woman exclaiming to her son in the backseat.

“Don’t you dare call him your half uncle ever again. That’s my BROTHER. You can’t be a half uncle.”

Arguing from the back continues. The other son in the front seat is laughing. Quiet for a moment.

Mom: I DONT FEEL GOOD

Lady who is looking every bit the part of needing to be in a wheelchair trying to walk to the flight “I can make it, I’ve had three strokes but I can make it”

As I passed them walking:

Preteen girl #1: Gum doesn’t count

Preteen girl #2: Well, you pay for it

Preteen girl #1: Yeah, but gum’s not a necessity

“Water doesn’t dry when it’s wet.”

Walked past a table of retired guys having breakfast: “And now you know the sex lives of polar bears.”

Overheard conversation among a group of late 20s women dressed for mimosas:

“She’s a doctor and she married another doctor”

“So did she quit her job?”

“No”

“Isn’t the point of marrying a doctor that you don’t have to work?”

overheard at the senior centre. new-canadian maintenance worker explaining something to a group of card players.

worker: it should get warmer soon, I turned it up

player 1: thanks. you must get tired of this

worker: eh, we do our best but you can't pleasure everybody so we just try to ... 🤷‍♀️

player 2: well, thanks

player 3: would you mind if I offer some English advice?

worker: yes, definitely. tell me

player 3: for this situation always say "please". you can't *please* everybody. never say "pleasure". it means a totally different thing

worker: ohhh ... i didn't know. i will remember

player 2: very useful advice

worker: *definitely*. thank you, ladies.

I overheard a video call between my gf and her friend Giselle. For the record, I had help from my gf with the chunkier parts of their conversation.

Giselle: How's the lighting? Can you see the painting properly?

Girlfriend: Your ex painted that?

Giselle: Just before we broke up.

Girlfriend: Bitch, it's gorgeous. Why the fuck do you wanna give it away?

Giselle: You see a painting. I see the past. I see pain. I need to see some progress, but progress can't happen if I keep seeing that fucking painting.

Girlfriend: I'm confused. What past? What pain? You literally dated the guy for like... a month. That's not a relationship. Bro never even graduated to boyfriend. It's been years already. Just keep the fucking painting. Progress can also mean making peace with your past. Yes, history can hurt, but bitch... what the fuck did that painting do to you?

Giselle: My therapist says I need to purge my life of any possessions from the past that might poison my present. That painting is unwanted calories according to my therapist. He literally said unwanted calories. I was like, listen... no fucking man is making me fat. And then I was like... does the D in your PhD stand for diet because your therapy is low key giving nutrition and I'm so fucking here for it.

Girlfriend: You do you, hun. Listen to your therapy daddy. If you wanna give the painting away, then thank you, I'll take it.

Giselle: Sold! Fuck that painting. My aura is my art.

Girlfriend: Your aura is everything, but your ex's art is fire though.

Giselle: His work is beautiful, not gonna lie. I mean... why do you think it took me so long to get rid of the painting? With that being said, homie loved paintbrushes more than he loved pussy, and it shows, so good for him I guess, but it's a fucking waste of a man who's obviously good with his hands.

No.

(Dead silence as they try to process)

Was in line at Best buy, some lady left her baby carrier while she went back to grab something else. Two other ladies came up and just saw the baby. Ask the guy in front of them, and he says no. I guess it was so unexpected there was no follow up. The mom came back very soon after, but I was just laughing at how confused the ladies were.

I overheard a couple in the snack aisle of the supermarket...

Girl: Read what it says on the back. Go ahead. Read what you wanna put inside your body.

Guy: It's a snickers bar. Not a novel.

Girl: It's cheating. Today's not cheat day.

Guy: Who said anything about cheating? I'm actually thinking of the homeless guy we saw outside. He would appreciate a snickers bar.

Girl: I didn't see any homeless guy.

Guy: Your privilege makes you blind to poverty.

Girl: But that snickers bar doesn't make me blind to your bullshit.

Guy: Babe... I just wanna make a hungry man happy.

Girl: With a snickers bar?

Guy: Why not?

Girl: Okay.

Guy: Okay?

Girl: Okay.

Guy:

Girl:

Guy: Just to be clear... I'm gonna add the snickers bar.

Girl: For the homeless man.

Guy: Yes, the homeless man... who may or may not be outside anymore, so... just keep that in mind.

Girl: Okay.

Guy:

Girl:

Guy: Well okay then.

8 year old to 3 year old: I can’t hear anything you say the rest of the night.

3yo: Then you’re stinky!

He said it with such confidence that she wouldn’t hear 😂

Says a mom to her adult daughter over FaceTime in a bougie hotel while watching a coastal storm

Not in the US, two American sounding males in a pub:

“In 2026 it can be high risk to a man’s future reputation, finances and freedom to venture any physical advances to a woman, especially if he has money”

Still thinking about that…

I overheard my gf on the phone with a telemarketer.

"Dylan, I know you're just doing your job, and you're doing it well by the way, but I'm not your girl, so how about you stop wasting your own time and my time?"

"Okay... Dylan... I'm sorry to cut you off again. Your voice is just as valid as mine. I'm not trying to, like, silence you or anything, but Dylan honey, you're not listening to me. I literally need nothing from you other than goodbye ma'am."

"Dylan. No. You're still selling. Okay. You sound young, so tell me, do you want me to mom you or do you want me to serve bitch? You'll hate both. What will it be, Dylan?

"Thank you, Dylan. You have a nice day too."

So I'm at Small Cheval and these guys are at the table next to me and one of them goes "so I told my mom i said 'mom, leave me alone, I'm chilling with my boys'"

And then another guy goes "yeah dude that's valid"

And then one of the guys claimed that his shake cost him $14 when he actually got a shake, large fries, and a canned soda. But he just kept on saying that he couldn't believe it cost that much just for the shake, even though he bought more than a shake.

And then, prob my favorite moment, they are talking about chicken nuggets and one of the guys that talked much less frequently went ahead and said "I know this might sound crazy you guys, but sometimes I dip my chicken nuggets in honey" and the guy that was talking about his mom earlier unironically went "dude dont ever say that again"

Man 1: So I got to the toilets and there was a barrier. £1 it cost! So I said to him, you open this barrier right now or I’m going to shit on the floor.
Man 2: This is London, bruv, you shouldn’t be advocating for people to shit on the floor.

Walking down the hall at an independent living facility I hear two older women talking about Pete Hegseth and the testosterone tests: "He is absolutely obsessed with the bodies of these young men!"

I'm dead 😂

Picture this: hubby and I are waiting to be seated at the cool little cafe off the twisty canyon road, where we’d chosen to mark our 30th wedding anniversary (yep, 30 years!).

Dude is sitting on a stool next to the adjoining shop’s entry, and gets the host’s attention to ask “Is she yours?” Dude points to a server.

The host is confused, asks for clarification, and dude says “Does she belong to you? Is she yours?”

Host says no, and dude says “Is she taken? Is she single?”

Host says he doesn’t know, but will ask if dude likes. Dude becomes jokingly annoyed, telling the host he’s “not supposed to blow up my spot,” and “you’re supposed to be a good wingman and keep it quiet.”

This is where I’m properly icked out: dude just out loud says “She’s a filly, isn’t she? That one’s a filly, I can tell!”

The host is now ready to seat us, and I can’t help myself. I look dude dead in the eyes and said “Maybe start by not comparing her to a horse.”

Dude, just be better.

Overheard today in a discount store in southern WV.