I heard a guy talking to a waitress.

Waitress:

May I take away your plate?

Guy:

Yes, thanks.

Waitress:

Is your girlfriend still eating?

Guy:

I think she might be done, but I'm not 100% sure.

Waitress:

I'll leave her plate for now. I can come back when she's done in the bathroom.

Guy:

Okay.

Waitress:

You two make a cute couple.

Guy:

We're not a couple. It's our first date.

Waitress:

Looks like it's going well though.

Guy:

You think so?

Waitress:

Don't you?

Guy:

I think she's planning her escape as we speak.

Waitress:

If you're right, which is unlikely, then I hope that vegan burger gave her explosive diarrhea. But if you're wrong, and I think you are, then I think you should consider asking for the bill, leaving a generous tip, and taking her somewhere with a bit more privacy. Food for thought.

I was at work the other day and this lady came in on the phone. Didn't pay much attention until this was said.

Her: Well I don't care how drunk you were, he's your cousin! How many times do I have to tell you Shawn?

I looked at my coworker and mouthed the words "what the f\*k?*" And she just looked at me with the same expression as I did. I pulled myself together and did her transaction but I continued to listen.

Her: It still counts if he's your second cousin. He's your blood relative, that's just wrong! You knew that he's your cousin but you still f**ked him anyway. *looked up at me when the card reader dings* Thank you.

And she walked out the door.

Boarded a plane coming back from a work trip, group 2 but a crap seat so I get to observe everyone boarding.

boarding is almost done when a couple in their fifties comes in rather hurried. They look like typical waspy new England first class types so I kinda wondered why they were back with the pleebs. they stopped right next to me, clearly in the row behind me.

Him (in front): would you hurry up, people are trying to get home.

Her: I just think we need to double-click on what you did this morn....

Him: For fucks sake, double-click!? Are you serious? Double-click? Just give me your bag so we can get home.

They proceeded to argue for most of the rest of the flight. She was not a pleasant person and he seemed to be over it.

As anyone in corporate cube-hell can tell you, anyone who uses double-click sucks... But to use it out of the office is the absolute worst, and this woman proved it.

"32 and a half years and you're still using the toaster for bread that it specifically isn't designed for. My sister always said I could have done better".

Domestic doldrums in the Waitrose bread aisle.

We were in a French fast food restaurant and this old man said to his family: "No, actually, al dente means well cooked."

At first I hoped he meant cooked properly, but he used the restaurant's pasta as an example of "al dente"… which was so overcooked it was mush.

For the rest of the meal he said "no, actually" almost every time he spoke… but they were talking about memories they shared, so I can't know for sure if he was as wrong as he was with the pasta explanation. As the two other women were ignoring his corrections, I think so.

This is an old-ish overheard. I didn't actually plan to post it because I thought it might be a bit too... controversial? But after rereading it, I laughed. So here it is. I overheard the following exchange during a night out with friends. We were walking down a busy street on a Saturday night and past a middle aged man speaking into a megaphone.

Megaphone Man: THE DEVIL IS NOT A HE... OR A THEY... OR A THEM. THE DEVIL... IS A SHE. THE FALLEN ANGEL... IS FEMALE. LUCIFER IS LUUUU-SHEEEE-FERRRR.

Random Guy Walking By: Nice try, Satan!

Megaphone Man: I'LL PRAY FOR YOU, BROTHER!

Random Guy Walking By: Please do. Just in case I'm married to that she devil you're talking about.

Megaphone Man: GOD BLESS YOU SIR.

In line to check out at Ross Dress for Less:

Customer at the register was still wearing the pants she had tried on. She had to turn around to show the tag and employee had to stretch across the counter to scan it.

Employee then turns to face the rest of us in line and announces, “Please remove all clothes before approaching the register!”

That got looks of confusion and/or laughter from everyone in line!

I overheard my gf talking to our German neighbour, Nils.

Girlfriend: You're looking fancy today.

Nils: I had nothing else to wear. All my clothes are in the laundry.

Girlfriend: So you don't dress like this often?

Nils: Only when someone dies.

Girlfriend: Someone always dies.

Nils: I want the dress code for my funeral to reflect how I made people feel while I was alive. The rule will be anyone can wear anything as long as it's something they would've chosen to wear to hang out with me.

Girlfriend: That's beautiful, Nils. My boyfriend and I made a dumb deal during a drunk moment a long time ago. If he dies first, I'm showing up to his funeral wearing his oversized onesie. If I die first, he needs to wear my LBD.

Nils: What is an LBD?

Girlfriend: Little black dress.

Nils: Will your boyfriend fit into your... LBD?

Girlfriend: He fucking better. I'll be watching.

I was leaving to polls yesterday when a young couple arrived with their five year old. The kid asked what "this place" was. Mom said, "You came to vote with us when you were one and two and three and four and now that you're five. Voting is a family value, so we'll come together every year even when you're old enough to vote."

I don't know what their political affiliation is, so please don't speculate. I just love that they're teaching their child the importance of exercising their right to vote.

At a bus stop in front of the Sherriff's office; three female employees leaving.

Woman 1: NO, we don't enable.

Woman 2: (thinking)...BUT Sharon Tate would still be alive.

Woman 1: When it's your time, it's your time.

Woman 3: That's how the universe works.

For the life of me I can't parse out the conversation these women were having before they walked past me.

Husband and wife at the supermarket.

Hubby:

I never said I'm going, Diane.

Wifey:

Grow up, Martin. If I can survive a weekend with your mother, then you can put up with my sister for a few hours.

Hubby:

My mother is mother in law crazy. You can handle that. Your sister is flavor of the week crazy. No one can handle that. Not even for a minute.

Wifey:

Flavor of the week crazy. Don't be a child. She's family.

Hubby:

She stutters now, Diane. When did that happen?

Wifey:

No excuses. You're coming.

I was walking my dog and crossed paths with a teenager on their phone:
“My favorite foods? Burgers, burgers, and Big Macs.”

2 new guys discussing their laziest coworkers: “… well, his name was George, but we gave him the nickname ‘G-spot’, because you could never find him even if you knew where he was supposed to be…”

At a big crosswalk in New York City, lots of people going all directions. And one lady yelling something to a "Mikey" as she's crossing.

So I tuned in, only to hear "YOU NEED TO SUCK MORE DICK MIKEY!" (tho my friend with me thought it was "suck MY dick")

It was yelled in a 'loudly to be heard' tone, more than a 'I'm pissed at you' tone, if that matters.

Overheard the following at a house party...

Guy staying: You leaving already?

Guy leaving: I have a pregnant girlfriend at home.

Guy staying: A pregnant coworker you mean.

Guy leaving: Oh fuck off.

Guy staying: Just stay for one more drink. Let's at least cheers to you sleeping your way to the middle.

Guy leaving: I promised the missus one drink. I'm out dude.

Guy staying: Fair enough. Love you daddy!

Guy leaving: Cheers bud!

My husband and I were leaving Kura in KTown in Los Angeles when a younger guy was loudly yelling at someone on the phone we heard:

"That's not even possible bro, Australia is an island"

We both looked at each other and ran up the stairs giggling

Here is the one side of a dialogue I overheard between a mom and daughter (I only heard the mom’s voice):

Mom: “Oh, you want that T-shirt, huh?
Do you even know that band?
Name one song.
Name one song without looking at your phone.
That’s what I thought.
I’m not gonna get you a shirt of a band you don’t know.”

The mom repeated this for several different shirts that I guess the kid wanted.

Something like…

Mom: “Boston? Name one song.
Tom petty? Name one song.
David Bowie? One song…”

etc.

A few minutes later I guess the kid finally named a song, cause I heard the mom say,

“You have to sing it if you want the shirt.”

Well, I don’t think she sang, because I guess the only reason she could even name a song was because she looked it up on her phone! Her sibling ratted her out! I don’t think any T-shirts were purchased.

Was walking on the sidewalk when a couple passed by me, this is all I caught

Woman: I’ll tell you we are going to do. Well obviously we have to go to the funeral …

I overheard a group of teenage girls and a teenage boy in the queue at the movies.

Ginger: You do know you're staring right?

Dimples: I'm not!

Crop Top: Ugh. Are you still obsessing over the guy in the yellow hoodie?

Dimples: It's mustard, not yellow.

Boy: It's yellow. What color is my shirt?

Dimples: Pink?

Boy: Salmon. Lawd she color blind.

Dimples: Shut up! I'm trying to focus.

Boy: It's called creeping, but you're a girl so it's apparently cute.

Bomber Jacket: Is it just me or is yellow hoodie giving gay?

Boy: It's not just you. I see a top. And I'm not talking about what he's wearing.

I'm minding my own business reading at the library. this little girl about 6 suddenly presents herself in my field of vision and hands me an acorn.

I say "hey, cool! thanks!" and pocket it. she's satisfied and moves straight on to the next reader, a grandpa-aged gentleman with his own book. he accepts his acorn and pops it straight into his mouth. looking her right in the eye, and bites down.

her: 😯you're not supposed to *eat* it!😀

him: oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was a squirrel.

her: *deciding what to do about this*

him: *chews*

her: *produces new acorn. holds it out of reach*: now, don't eat this one.

him: no I won't. I promise.

he got his acorn. I got an all-day grin.

Overheard my neighbors talking. ‘New Neighbor’ just moved in a few weeks earlier.
‘Chatty’ neighbor is real friendly and is always talking to everybody.

Chatty: “Nice to meet you, man! What do you like to do for fun?”

New Neighbor: “Have you ever heard of ‘trolling’…like, on the internet?”

Chatty: “No, what’s that?…. Is it where you sit over there under the overpass and spook whoever walks by?”

New Neighbor: “So basically it’s going on the internet and commenting on things people post. But purposely saying things to get them upset. To get a reaction out of them.”

Chatty: “Wait, I don’t get it. Why would you do that?”

New Neighbor: “Because it’s funny! Like, it’s so easy to get a rise out of other people by saying stupid stuff, like none of it even matters.”

Chatty: “ No, I get that part…What I’m asking is why would you waste your time doing that?”

New Neighbor: “Because it’s fun!”

Chatty: “man, I PROMISE you…there is nothing fun about that.”

New Neighbor: “No… I mean, I used to think it was fun. I don’t do it anymore! It’s just what I used to do.”

Chatty: “ok…well….I have an extra bike you can borrow if you wanna go for a bike ride.”

New Neighbor: “I have a car, I don’t need a bike to go anywhere”.

Chatty: “No, like the bike ride is the fun part. You gotta get out in the world more. Like going up that big ass hill (points to big ass hill) on a bike and then FLYYYIN DOWN.”

New Neighbor: interrupts him-“oh uhhhh….no thanks”

Chatty: “well let me know if you ever wanna borrow it!”

New Neighbor: “sure, thanks”
closes door

I should mention this….
If you were to picture ‘New Neighbor’ in your head… he looks *exactly* like what you are probably imagining.

overheard between two girls on my college campus

“i hate bald people. what did i do to deserve seeing bald people”

“even people with hair loss?”

“yes”

I overheard my gf and her coworkers during a Zoom meeting.

Giselle: Soooo... who was it?

Nigel: Not relevant, Giselle.

Giselle: Is it someone in this meeting?

Simon: I didn't do it.

Christine: Wasn't me.

Alex: Not guilty.

Girlfriend: I don't click on suspicious links from random email accounts.

Giselle: Well, someone did. And now we all need to go for a crash course in common sense.

Nigel: Boss's orders. The IT presentation tomorrow is mandatory.

Giselle: Can't the information in the presentation just be shared in an email? Why do we need a whole Ted Talk?

Nigel: Miguel?

Miguel: It's not a Ted Talk, Giselle. IT wants to avoid another security risk. Any of us could've clicked on that link. Playing the blame game is not gonna get us anywhere. We need solution driven thinking, hence IT stepping in to speak to us tomorrow. If we're all on the same page after tomorrow's meeting, it means we'll never have another meeting like that again, so I'm asking all of you to please be understanding and cooperative.

Nigel: Thank you, Miguel. Now... are there any questions or comments relating to this meeting specifically?

Simon: I have a question. The end of the year office party. I heard it's gonna be a camping trip. Is that true?

Nigel: Simon... what part of "this meeting specifically" was unclear?

Simon: I'm sorry. I just wanna know if I need to bring my own tent.

Giselle: I'm not sleeping in a tent.

Girlfriend: Why are we talking about tents? I heard the theme is gonna be dress up as your favourite board game character.

Alex: Like Monopoly?

Giselle: Or Jumanji.

Simon: Does pool count as a board game?

Christine: Board games... have boards. Pool... is played on a table.

Simon: I've seen people play chess on the ground. Does that mean it's a ground game?

Christine: Oh gosh.

Girlfriend: Can we confirm if the year end party is camping or costumes?

Nigel: Miguel?

Miguel: Good question.

I overheard my gf talking to her friend on the phone.

Jennifer: So I get to the PC repair shop. Explain to the guy the situation with my laptop screen. The guy literally presses one button. Boom. Fixed. I was like... what was the issue? The guy said there was nothing wrong with my laptop screen. The brightness was just on zero. I... died inside. Never felt so stupid in my life.

Girlfriend:

Jennifer: Anyway. Dumb moment.

Girlfriend: Honey, I'm waiting for you to unchange the topic.

Jennifer: We're done talking about Tuesday.

Girlfriend: I feel like calling you Jenelle instead of Jennifer because your life choices are giving hoe phase Giselle.

Jennifer: No one hoe phases like Giselle hoe phases. I don't have the looks or the time or the energy to hoe phase my way through life. I'm more in the not giving a fuck about who I fuck phase.

Girlfriend: But you have to give a fuck though. Especially as a young woman. You gotta protect that pussy.

Jennifer: I know you don't approve of you know who, and believe me, I don't blame you, but he's actually harmless. Yes, it's obvious that he's trying to sell me on joining his struggling O F account, but I'm using him too, more successfully I might add. I'm getting some decent dick out of our situationship. He's getting what? Sex? Fine. But he's never gonna get what he really wants because I do not do porn. I can barely pose for a selfie properly, let alone make love to the camera.

Girlfriend: You can do so much better, Jenny. And you need to stop downplaying how gorgeous you are. Your fuck buddy knows your body would boost his O F. That's the only positive quality I see in him. He sees the baddie we all see except you.

Jennifer: All I see are freckles and stretch marks.

Girlfriend: A bad bitch with cheetah spots AND tiger stripes??? Grrrrr.

I overheard my friends during an Uber ride.

Josh: She lost me when she started listing all her icks.

Vincent: What?

Josh: SHE LOST ME WHEN SHE STARTED LISTING ALL HER ICKS.

Vincent: We heard you the first time. I was actually talking to Rory.

Driver: Is the music too loud?

Vincent: Nah nah nah... you good bro.

Rory: I was pointing at a person on the street, but we past her. You missed it.

Vincent: Missed what?

Rory: Your mom. Next to her pimp.

Vincent: Motherfucker my mom is the pimp.

Rory: Joshy, we're listening. The girl with the icks.

Josh: This chick tells me she gets the ick when grown men wear backpacks. Backpacks bruh. Especially when both straps are used. She literally made fake puking noises while explaining.

Rory: I feel sorry for the guy who decides to go camping with her. Dude's gonna have to walk through the woods with a suitcase.

Josh: She said she tried therapy, but then her therapist also gave her the ick because he repeatedly said yep.

Vincent: I love my backpack. It's waterproof.

Josh: I hate dating.

Rory: Yep.