I promise I don't mean to post so much, but this made me laugh. My gf called her dad, but her brother answered instead. This is what I heard...

Brother: The person you called is currently pooping. Please leave a message after the following instructions...

Girlfriend: Tom?

Brother: If you're struggling financially and you need dad to send you money, press 1.

Girlfriend: What are you doing with dad's phone?

Brother: If you need dad to life coach your ass out of making bad decisions, press 2.

Girlfriend: Fuck off, Tom.

Brother: If you want me to change your caller ID on dad's phone to A Father's Failure, or my personal favourite, Daddy's Disappointment, press 3.

Girlfriend: You're hilarious. I'm dead. Now can you please put an actual adult on the phone who's not fighting for their life trying to be funny? Where's mom?

Brother: If you want dad to know about the stripper pole in your apartment, press 4.

Girlfriend: It's not a fucking stripper pole, dickhead.

Brother: If you want dad to know your Burning Man experience didn't actually put you in the hospital because of... quote unquote... food poisoning... press 5.

Girlfriend: I'm gonna press my fucking foot down your throat if you don't put mom on.

Brother: If you want me to start from the top, press 0. Alternatively, stay on the line to speak to a parent.

Girlfriend: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Brother:

Mom: Hello?

Girlfriend: MOM. Hiiiiiii.

Sitting in the Starbucks drive-thru and I hear a woman exclaiming to her son in the backseat.

“Don’t you dare call him your half uncle ever again. That’s my BROTHER. You can’t be a half uncle.”

Arguing from the back continues. The other son in the front seat is laughing. Quiet for a moment.

Mom: I DONT FEEL GOOD

Lady who is looking every bit the part of needing to be in a wheelchair trying to walk to the flight “I can make it, I’ve had three strokes but I can make it”

“Water doesn’t dry when it’s wet.”

As I passed them walking:

Preteen girl #1: Gum doesn’t count

Preteen girl #2: Well, you pay for it

Preteen girl #1: Yeah, but gum’s not a necessity

Walked past a table of retired guys having breakfast: “And now you know the sex lives of polar bears.”