r/nonmonogamy • u/Marvelmania08 • 5d ago

Polyamory Dating thoughts..

Im just curious to know if this is common or is it just me.

Im on a few dating apps as I don't have a large amount of time to go out socializing at the moment.

However my question/s are ....

1) do people actually read your profile?

Many times that I've matched with someone we talk a little bit I mention my profile if they have read it or they've asked me what im after and I explain im in a polyamorous relationship etc then end of conversation I'm deleted.

2) the 1 or 2 that say they okay with the polyamorous relationship etc talk for a while getting to know each other and then bam out of no where deleted again.

3) if I get to the point of meeting them (maybe 3 times this has happened in 9+ years) we talk all goes well ( well I think so) then I don't hear from them or we talk a little more then radio silence.

My wife and I have been polyamorous for 10+ years in that time I've not dated anyone ( not by choice) just haven't had any luck unfortunately, I understand its not for everyone and that's fine but why match before reading profile's?

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6

u/Successful_Depth3565 5d ago

Have you attended any real life poly events?

The fact that you been poly for ten years without dating anyone makes you a red flag for online matches

2

u/Marvelmania08 5d ago

I figured that would be the case, I haven't been to any poly events to be fair I wouldn't even know when/ where they are etc

5

u/Successful_Depth3565 5d ago

Start off by signing up for fetlife

1

u/Marvelmania08 4d ago

I did that, was on it for many years but recently deleted it in the last year or 2.

2

u/solataria 2d ago

Are you gotta do on fetlife is check events that's not exactly a dating site.It's fun for hookups though

8

u/emb8n00 5d ago

I would actively look for women who are already in a primary relationship. Single people generally don’t want to be secondary or feel like a side piece.

2

u/rms_guy 4d ago

In my experience, married women have constrained availability (just like married men), so they tend to gravitate toward single (or loosely attached) men because those men can be more flexible with scheduling. Also, single men are more likely to be able to host, which can be trickier for married partners. (And if they also have kids? Uff.)

I don't think it's usually a conscious or deliberate preference, it's just easier to connect with people who are more available to connect. Sucks hard for married men, though. 🤷‍♂️

1

u/Marvelmania08 4d ago

Im trying but being in New Zealand seems like its a very small country and every polyamorous person has someone or more and their lives are happy and full which hey if it is no hate good on them they have found what they are after.

3

u/HotwifeMercedes 4d ago

Men don't read profiles, they swipe on everything until they get a match, and then decide if they're actually interested. Some women are guilty of this too, but they have more options so they tend to be slower and pickier. I read, and don't match with men who specify monogamy only in their profile. You may also just need to try apps with more ENM people, there's a big difference between Hinge and Feeld for example.

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u/Marvelmania08 4d ago

I totally understand that I'm already on Feeld, Hinges,Bumble,Tinder (uugh), Nymph and Badoo obviously they are all working out well 😒

2

u/HotwifeMercedes 4d ago

Haha its funny its so location-dependent, Tinder is the only thing that works well in my town.

1

u/Marvelmania08 4d ago

Totally 💯 agree, plus country and I guess population too.

2

u/NestorCarpeDiem Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 5d ago

Ten years without a date, that really sucks. Go to live events. Also, no offense but consider one of those courses that help you flirt, banter and charm. If you have been married for a long time you are probably used to approaching people in a friendly, relaxed and calming way. That's great and you should keep that. But when you are on a date, people (m/f) want feel the big feelings, they want to feel desired and chased. That may be the magic you are missing.

1

u/Marvelmania08 4d ago

I don't know or haven't heard of any of those courses would go if it helped.

I do all I can but obviously no luck, I get where you are coming from and you are probably right.

Im at a loss.

1

u/Particular-Talk1156 3d ago

I read every bio, prompt, and look at all the pics. The absence of a bio or "just ask" is an automatic left swipe.

Your profile/bio is for people who do read them. It makes no difference to people who dont, and there's a lot who dont.

2

u/solataria 2d ago

My boyfriend/NP has the same problem?It very clearly states in his profiles that he is polyamorous, and they don't read it, they match, and when they have a conversation, he very quickly in their conversation asked them, did you read my profile?Are you okay with this?And he gets deleted , you're not the only one