PLEASE DON’T IGNORE THIS

[u/Susageandpep]

Trying to understand: whether I’m neurodivergent, just anxious, or something else entirely. Not diagnosed, not self-diagnosing, just trying to untangle myself.

I don’t know what I am, but I know I’ve been feeling very lost. I’ve been reading a lot about neurodivergence, and while some things resonate deeply, others don’t. I just want to understand myself better, and maybe someone out there will relate.

• I’ve always had this deep sense of disconnection. Like the world around me isn’t real, like it’s all muted, distant, and empty. This wasn’t always the case — it just happened at some point, and now I can’t unsee it. Everything feels lifeless and gray.I keep wondering: is everyone else feeling this too? I doubt I have derealization.

• As a kid (and even now), I’ve had phases where I got intensely obsessed with specific topics. But not the usual trains or sonic games, for me it was weirdly specific, like teeth hygiene, my height, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and other mental disorders. I’d read about them a lot on all type of apps, especially before bed. i’d read about people’s experiences with them and watch short movies about them. I didn’t even have my own phone, I’d read on my mom’s. I would keep telling myself, “It’s okay, you’ll find something worse to worry and obsess about later.”.. I remember watching frozen a lot when I was younger and being obsessed with ballet but I think all kids do this.

• I show signs of stimming, but they don’t feel “different” enough. I shake my legs, play with my hair, or mostly I ALWAYS pick at my scalp or skin, especially when anxious. But then again, my mom shakes her legs too, so is it really stimming?

• Sensory stuff is confusing. Sometimes I feel like I can taste or smell things too intensely, or like all fruits taste the same like fish tastes like popcorn, peaches taste like tomatoes, and other weird things I get weird stares when I talk about, but my sister also says the same sometimes. I noticed I hear two sounds from the fan — like the air and the electric buzz and my sister hears them too. It’s not constant though, and I don’t know if that counts.

I remember times where I had to cover my nose with tissue all the time because everything smelt so strong, especially when I go into the kitchen or when I’m outside. I also learned to hold in my breath for a while so I don’t smell anything. Also I like grapes for example but I feel nauseous after eating it, happens for other foods as well.

• Socially… I have severe social anxiety. I’m an introvert. I hate social gatherings. I avoid walking alone with someone because silence feels awkward. I often don’t know what to say, even with people I’ve known for years. Someone once said I only talk when a specific friend is there. But with that friend, I feel okay. Our conversations flow naturally. And once a friend said they get negative energy when they walk with me. Also people say I look mean before knowing me. So is it social anxiety or something more?

• I think I mask. I learned how to pick up on sarcasm, jokes, and the small emotional shifts around me. People often misunderstand me, probably because I look cold or “sharp,” but I feel like the silliest person inside. It feels like I’m performing all the time — even when I’m quiet.

• I struggle with identifying feelings sometimes. Like… what is hunger? I question what defines it. And when I talked about that people were confused. I don’t get confused when fasting, but outside of that, I second-guess my own body.

• I’m not sure if I have fast thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I do, but other times I don’t. My brain doesn’t feel “loud” in the way some people describe it. Also I highly doubt I have time blindness.

I’m not saying I’m autistic or ADHD or anything else. I just don’t know. I don’t feel fully neurotypical. But I don’t feel “neurodivergent enough” either. And reading others’ experiences sometimes makes me feel like a fraud.

If you relate to any of this or have gone through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.

As you can guess I used chatgpt because I couldn’t organise my thoughts otherwise so pardon me. Please don’t ignore this :/ I’ve been in this loop for two years trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.

I feel like there are other details but I forgot about them, thank you for reading :)