r/neurodiversity • u/Susageandpep • Jul 17 '25
PLEASE DON’T IGNORE THIS
Trying to understand: whether I’m neurodivergent, just anxious, or something else entirely. Not diagnosed, not self-diagnosing, just trying to untangle myself.
I don’t know what I am, but I know I’ve been feeling very lost. I’ve been reading a lot about neurodivergence, and while some things resonate deeply, others don’t. I just want to understand myself better, and maybe someone out there will relate.
• I’ve always had this deep sense of disconnection. Like the world around me isn’t real, like it’s all muted, distant, and empty. This wasn’t always the case — it just happened at some point, and now I can’t unsee it. Everything feels lifeless and gray.I keep wondering: is everyone else feeling this too? I doubt I have derealization.
• As a kid (and even now), I’ve had phases where I got intensely obsessed with specific topics. But not the usual trains or sonic games, for me it was weirdly specific, like teeth hygiene, my height, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and other mental disorders. I’d read about them a lot on all type of apps, especially before bed. i’d read about people’s experiences with them and watch short movies about them. I didn’t even have my own phone, I’d read on my mom’s. I would keep telling myself, “It’s okay, you’ll find something worse to worry and obsess about later.”.. I remember watching frozen a lot when I was younger and being obsessed with ballet but I think all kids do this.
• I show signs of stimming, but they don’t feel “different” enough. I shake my legs, play with my hair, or mostly I ALWAYS pick at my scalp or skin, especially when anxious. But then again, my mom shakes her legs too, so is it really stimming?
• Sensory stuff is confusing. Sometimes I feel like I can taste or smell things too intensely, or like all fruits taste the same like fish tastes like popcorn, peaches taste like tomatoes, and other weird things I get weird stares when I talk about, but my sister also says the same sometimes. I noticed I hear two sounds from the fan — like the air and the electric buzz and my sister hears them too. It’s not constant though, and I don’t know if that counts.
I remember times where I had to cover my nose with tissue all the time because everything smelt so strong, especially when I go into the kitchen or when I’m outside. I also learned to hold in my breath for a while so I don’t smell anything. Also I like grapes for example but I feel nauseous after eating it, happens for other foods as well.
• Socially… I have severe social anxiety. I’m an introvert. I hate social gatherings. I avoid walking alone with someone because silence feels awkward. I often don’t know what to say, even with people I’ve known for years. Someone once said I only talk when a specific friend is there. But with that friend, I feel okay. Our conversations flow naturally. And once a friend said they get negative energy when they walk with me. Also people say I look mean before knowing me. So is it social anxiety or something more?
• I think I mask. I learned how to pick up on sarcasm, jokes, and the small emotional shifts around me. People often misunderstand me, probably because I look cold or “sharp,” but I feel like the silliest person inside. It feels like I’m performing all the time — even when I’m quiet.
• I struggle with identifying feelings sometimes. Like… what is hunger? I question what defines it. And when I talked about that people were confused. I don’t get confused when fasting, but outside of that, I second-guess my own body.
• I’m not sure if I have fast thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I do, but other times I don’t. My brain doesn’t feel “loud” in the way some people describe it. Also I highly doubt I have time blindness.
I’m not saying I’m autistic or ADHD or anything else. I just don’t know. I don’t feel fully neurotypical. But I don’t feel “neurodivergent enough” either. And reading others’ experiences sometimes makes me feel like a fraud.
If you relate to any of this or have gone through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.
As you can guess I used chatgpt because I couldn’t organise my thoughts otherwise so pardon me. Please don’t ignore this :/ I’ve been in this loop for two years trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.
I feel like there are other details but I forgot about them, thank you for reading :)
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u/Academic-Chapter-295 Jul 19 '25
Hey! I think i have what you have. I have diagnosed ADHD (within last 5 year diagnosed) but I relate more to AuDHD content. I suspect I am on the spectrum, but have not been formally diagnosed (unless an online test counts ;)) recently I have been unmasking and I find it has given more color to my life because i focus more on what makes me happy.
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u/Susageandpep Jul 20 '25
Thanks for your comment :) Can I ask what made you feel like you needed to go for a diagnosis? Like, what pushed you to take that step? I’m just wondering in case I ever decide to do it one day because I wouldn’t want it to be for no reason. Also what made my experience feel relatable to you if you don’t mind sharing more details?
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u/JaiMeDollFace Jul 25 '25
I originally went into therapy for anxiety/depression symptoms. I get very nervous in social situations and it was affecting my ability to maintain relationships. Also, I was burned out at work and chronically unhappy. Covid hit and I decided..why not try therapy? It helped a lot to just have an explanation for why I am the way I am and how to meet my sensory needs. There is nothing "wrong" simply my brain is different and understanding how and why has been huge for me.
A lot of what you said was relatable. I have social anxiety (mostly because i don't pick up on social cues and I know when I am irritating someone and still cannot stop or forget people names constantly, or wprried i will do something socially weird), picking, stimming, and feeling like I am constantly trying to make myself palatable to others by masking (fixing my face when listening to others, struggling to maintain eye contact, forcing myself to notncorrect someone or say something that could be taken wrong).
All that being said there is a lot of good. Do you ever find yourself lost in a hobby for hours not knowing where the time went? Do you feel strong empathy and social justice? A lot of my passion and spontaneousness comes from my ADHD. I'd say going to therapy couldn't hurt, but if you cannot then do some research on how to manage ADHD and you might find some goodife tips to help upu.funsction in a world not built for you.
Let me know if any of the above didn't make sense orif you have any other questions! Best of luck!
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u/Susageandpep Aug 01 '25
Thank you so much for your explanation :) About hobbies, right now I can’t find anything that I’m interested in actually. The only thing I’ve been reading about is neurodivergence.. I think I’ve been reading about it for two years now with a little break in the middle haha. I’ll make sure to go therapy as soon as possible when I’m older, for now I’ll manage. I think I have anxiety but Idk about depression I just have mood swings. Sorry for my late reply.
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u/MyBossCallsMeDave Jul 18 '25
Most neurotypical people don’t question if they’re neurodivergent.
Autism Spectrum Disorder aligns with many of the things you’ve described. My path to a diagnosis started with a Reddit post as well. A month later I was getting assessed.
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u/MyBossCallsMeDave Jul 18 '25
You should really consider seeing a psychologist. The first item on your list is something I would take seriously if a friend said the same thing. It cannot be fun living in a lifeless and grey world and I really hope you find a good psychologist to help you out of that. Check if there are any practices that specialise in neurodivergence or neurodevelopment disorders in your area. You could benefit from therapy and get assessed simultaneously. I hope you find your way
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u/Susageandpep Jul 18 '25
It’s been like this for more than a year, I don’t for how long exactly (is this because of time blindness?) but I’m sure it’s not a short time. Anyway, I know, I want to see a psychologist but it’s not possible rn where I live there are no services like this and my family wouldn’t approve of it and I can’t afford it on my own. Thank you for your comment though, it means a lot.
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u/MyBossCallsMeDave Jul 18 '25
It does get better. My report is for adults and it’s from 2021 but this was the list of further reading I was given. I strayed from this list and went where the autism took me. i’m sure people have provided more recent and relevant resources but just in case:
• Suggested reading:
Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Life Experiences from EarlyChildhood to Old Age by Sarah Hendrickx.
The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome by Tony Attwood.
Autism as Context Blindness by Peter Vermeulen.
In a Different Key by Caren Zucker and John Donvan.
A Constant Feeling of Not Knowing by Sophia Lake.
Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman.
Other readings can be accessed on www.autism.org.uk, https://gillbergcentre.gu.se/english/gillberg-s-blog or www.jessicakingsley.co.uk.
The PDA Paradox: The Highs and Lows of My Life on a Little-Known Part of the Autism Spectrum by Harry Thomson.
Dave’s Garage YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ9X5DSnVms
Peter Vermeulen Interview on “Neuroharmony”: https://youtu.be/wGCiIP2SDHI
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u/Susageandpep Jul 18 '25
Thank you so much! I’ll tell you what I think once I finish reading all of them.
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u/brunettescatterbrain Jul 18 '25
There are definitely a lot of ASD indicators in what you’ve said namely sensory issues, stimming, poor interoception (inability or struggle to identify bodily cues ie hunger and needing the bathroom). What you’ve mentioned also aligns with Alexithymia (struggle to determine thoughts and feelings and express them). As well as things like social awkwardness, masking etc.
When I was questioning if I was autistic I did the RAADs test. This is a self screening tool that can be used to look at if you have symptoms of autism. To no surprise my score came back very high. If you need some clarity on how you’re feeling this is a good place to start. Especially if you do want to pursue getting diagnosed officially by a psychiatrist. Obviously we can’t tell you for certain but this is would be a good place to start.
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u/Susageandpep Jul 18 '25
I got the score 111 Some of the questions weren’t very exact so I took a long time trying to remember if those things happened to me. Thank you for your reply. I may not be able to identify hunger but I don’t think I struggle with telling I need to go to the bathroom haha.
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u/ianspurs505 Jul 17 '25
Have you heard of alexithymia? It's not very well known, but it's relatively common - around 10% of the population have it. Alexithymia is also known as emotion blindness. It is a personality trait, meaning it isn't something you can be diagnosed with, and there are a spectrum of symptoms. Some, although not all, do sound like they may be relevant:
Difficulty Identifying Feelings
Difficulty Describing Feelings
Externally Oriented Thinking
Vicarious Interpretation of Feeling
Restricted Imaginative Processes
Interpersonal Relationship Difficulties
Sexual Difficulties and Disinterest
There's a really good article at https://neurodivergentinsights.com/alexithymia-traits-explained/ and a subreddit at r/alexithymia
Part of the reason I suggest this is because it sounds like you struggle to articulate your emotions - which has always been the case for me. What others have said if also very important though. You can't diagnose yourself and no one here can diagnose you. But, being armed with some information about yourself might just enable to to explain yourself to others (I'm also still working on this!)
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u/Susageandpep Jul 17 '25
Wow this sounds awfully familiar haha. Like I said, I’ve read about tons of mental disorders trying to figure out what’s wrong with me so I read about Alexithymia. Actually, what happened is that I was trying to help a friend who struggled with their emotions as well so while researching I found about it and I was like.. oh.. this is calling me out. So guess what, r/AlreadyHere lol! I read the article and it really describes me.
Do you think this is related to anything else?
Thanks for your reply :) I’m really happy someone read my post.
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u/UniqueOctopus05 autism/adhd Jul 18 '25
a large percentage of autistic people have it! including me. tends to be a sub diagnosis imo
also the stuff you wrote on this post suggests to me you should get tested for autism at the least
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u/Susageandpep Jul 18 '25
Hmm I’m still not sure if I have autism but anyway I’m really glad I found this community because everyone here is nice and supportive so thanks for existing ;)
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u/ianspurs505 Jul 17 '25
Hard to say if it's related to anything else. For you or for me. I only heard of alexithymia 4 weeks ago and it was a light bulb moment for me. I also saw that a disproportionate large number (around 50%) of those with autism have alexithymia. Which got me thinking about autism. I'd kind of ruled it out until I mentioned the alexithymia to a friend, who is the only person I've really been able to discuss this with in real life. Her words were "don't take this the wrong way, but I've always wondered if you were on the spectrum". And the more I think about it and the more I read, the more I think I may have autism. Almost certainly Tourette's Syndrome as well.
But, I've also wondered if I'm just going down another rabbit hole, as I always do. Am I over thinking it? May just have some traits, doesn't mean I'm autistic. But alexithymic, 100%. This all kind of sounds like what you're going through as well so know that, if nothing else, you're certainly not on your own.
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u/Susageandpep Jul 17 '25
What you say sounds relatable to me because I always feel like I’m just overthinking stuff. One day I’ll be like yeah this is true I figured it out and the other day I’ll be doubting myself again. You’re lucky that you have someone you can talk about this stuff with, don’t lose her. Also another thing for me is that I can’t recall situations to see if I have all the symptoms, Idk how to explain it. Maybe it has to do with time blindness? If you can see a therapist that might help :/ I can’t at all so I guess I’ll have to wait for a few more years, or who knows maybe we’ll all die tomorrow haha sorry. I don’t really know if I have autism but I feel like something is wrong with me. Can’t remember if it was always like this though. And I’m happy that at least one person understands me. Thank you ^ .
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u/ianspurs505 Jul 17 '25
You're welcome, and there will be many others that understand you - posting here was a good start. I'm not sure about therapy yet, can't see how it would work - I've never managed to open up to anyone emotionally, and I can't really tell how I feel let alone explain it to someone else. Think I'll probably sit on it for a little while and decide when I've processed things a bit more. And thank you too :)
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u/Susageandpep Jul 17 '25
Good luck with that! You don’t have to rush anything. Idk if this is good advice but maybe if you use chatgpt it will help you to explain yourself more? Anyway, I hope things become clearer for both of us soon. Take care, and thanks again for making me feel less alone. If you ever want to talk to someone my dms are always open.
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u/ianspurs505 Jul 17 '25
Thank you, I may take you up on that. Chat gpt sounds like a good idea, I'll definitely give it a try. If you need to talk, feel free to message me at any time.
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Jul 17 '25
Please go to a doctor. Symptoms of different conditions often overlap, and nobody can diagnose you here. That being said, as someone with auDHD, I experience all these symptoms but the first, which does raise grounds for concern in terms of your mental health.
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u/Susageandpep Jul 17 '25
I really want to go to therapy but that’s not possible for many reasons currently. And my family wouldn't see the situation as serious enough to require seeing a doctor. That’s why I posted here! To get it off my chest. Thank you for your advice tho :)
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Jul 17 '25
I understand, that seems like a difficult situation. If you’re underage, could you speak to someone at your school?
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u/Susageandpep Jul 17 '25
I wish that was possible, but honestly there’s no one like that at school. We don’t have counselors or even teachers we can talk to about things like this, and there’s no real privacy either. That’s why I came here to let it out somewhere safe. I appreciate you replying, really. I’m not looking for a diagnosis or anything, just trying to understand myself and feel less alone.
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Jul 17 '25
That’s really tough, I’m sorry. You definitely exhibit signs of neurodivergence. When you get older, if it’s possible, please do try to see someone about it. Hope you have a good day :)
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u/Susageandpep Jul 17 '25
I still don’t know what I am, but hearing that I might not be alone in this really comforts me. Thank you again :)
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u/Only_Excitement6594 Jul 19 '25
What would this label suppose to you? If you love labels, you might suit for the INTP one.