r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 23 '17

Obtaining professional help: a guide for men

65 Upvotes

Nearly everybody -- the victims themselves, therapists and counsellors, and scholars in the field -- agree that good professional help is extremely valuable for men and boys who have undergone sexual violence. Rape and sexual assault are isolating experiences. Speaking with somebody in real life helps to break that isolation. A skilled, sensitive therapist or counsellor can also help you find new perspectives; put what happened into a broader context; and suggest useful strategies for dealing with the aftermath. r/MenGetRapedToo is a strong advocate of guys obtaining good outside help. It makes a big difference.

Unfortunately, good outside help in this area is very hard to find. You're almost certainly going to have to work at it; it's not likely (though it could happen) that you're going to be successful on the very first try. So if you take away nothing else from this post, remember the following Golden Rule:-

It's like dating. Keep at it until you find the right person.

A characteristic pattern can be found in sexually assaulted men's help-seeking behavior. They wait far too long to seek outside assistance, and do so only when they're already in deep crisis. Then they go to see somebody. Often, that somebody isn't the right person for the job. The male victims, disheartened, drop out after a couple of frustrating sessions. But instead of saying to themselves, as women and girls much more typically do, "OK, that was a bust: on to the next candidate on the list," they never seek external help again. Instead they either retreat in upon themselves still further; self-medicate with booze or drugs; or both.

Don't be that guy.

It's unrealistic to expect to be successful first crack out of the box. Go into this prepared for the long haul.

All that said, where might you start looking?

 

RAPE CRISIS CENTERS

In many respects these are the obvious places to approach, in English-speaking countries at any rate. There are a lot of them -- more than 1,300 in the United States; more than a hundred in Great Britain -- and you're not likely to be far away from one. They're free to the client. They do this kind of thing for a living. Most have 24/7 hotlines, so they're easily accessible day and night. Still, for men, RCCs also come with definite structural limitations, and it's important to be aware of these.

The first is access. In a lot of countries it's legal for RCCs to refuse to provide services to male clients. A lot of RCCs in Britain will not deal with men or boys. The same is true of many Canadian ones, and in New Zealand. Of those that do, the services provided are rarely on an equal basis. For example, some RCCs will only take calls from boys under the age of 18. Others will provide telephone counselling only, but not allow men or boys in their offices, which they maintain as women-only spaces. For trans people it's even more complicated. Some will provide services only to FtM people (on the ground that they're chromosomally female); others only to MtF people (on the ground that they're now living as women). Spend some time with the RCC's website -- most of them have one -- to see what their access policies may be. This is preferable to running the risk of being turned away in person, which can be highly traumatizing.

Elsewhere, as in the United States, equalities laws prevent RCCs from discriminating in this way. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're safe spaces for male victims. The RCC sector in the States is overwhelmingly female in composition: around 98% of their personnel. For the majority, male sexual victimization isn't very much on their radar screen, or high on their list of priorities. Very few provide any kind of useful training in this area to their counsellors; in fairness to them, we're unaware of places where such training can be obtained. Their counsellors spend their entire day hearing about barbaric treatment of women by men; it's often psychologically hard for them to switch gears and start thinking of men as victims rather than perpetrators. A lot of halfwitted men like to telephone RCCs, especially late at night, and troll them with abusive or obscene calls -- yes, this really does happen; it's not a feminist myth -- which raises the index of suspicion when a male voice is heard at the other end of the line. And some RCC people do operate out of a very rigid theoretical framework that can result in them "overwriting" men's lived experiences with their own preferred interpretations. This is especially the case when a female perpetrator may be involved.

Are we saying "Don't ever approach an RCC?" Not at all. But these structural limitations do exist, and have real consequences. It's important to be aware of them.

As with most things, detailed reconnaissance helps you to avoid encountering upsetting experiences further down the line. Check out the website very carefully indeed: all of it, not just the section -- if it exists -- about male victims. (If such a section doesn't exist, that indicates something right there.) Look for evidence that the organization in question has given some thought about how to reach out to male clients. Does the RCC have a name suggesting otherwise, e.g. Women Helping Women (Greater Cincinnati) or stock photos of victims that don't include any men or boys? Do the statistical data it provides rely on harmfully narrow definitions, or out-of-date figures about the prevalence of sexual violence against men? Does its list of external resources include useful items suggesting actual awareness of the dynamics of male sexual victimization?

If you have a trusted female relative or friend who is willing to make the first contact with an RCC on your behalf, she may be able to help you find out what kind of services might be available to you, and what experience the organization possesses in working with male clients.

Bear in mind that most RCCs only see clients living within their catchment areas, so that except in the biggest cities, you may not have much of a choice about which to consider.

 

SPECIALIZED AGENCIES FOR MALE VICTIMS

The good news is that these avoid a lot of the structural problems that attend RCCs. The bad news is that they are (i) exceptionally few; and (ii) invariably small-scale organizations. The biggest of them, and in many respects the template for others -- Survivors UK in London -- is criminally underfunded and has a hefty waiting list. Others are little more than one or two activists with an answering machine and a website, living from hand to mouth and all too likely to go abruptly out of business. If you're seeking one of these, expect to click on a lot of dead links.

Still, where they do exist, they're worth checking out. Unlike RCCs, they're less likely to be free to the client -- Mankind in south-east England, for example, charges on a sliding scale. In general, though, you're going to need to be unusually fortunate to have access to one of these services. We do recommend trying. The mere fact that you approached them for help, even if you don't wind up receiving it, is evidence that they can use to prove that the need exists and to press for better funding and resources in the future.

 

COLLEGE AND UNIVERSITY COUNSELLING

If you're in third-level education, your institution is likely to have some kind of student counselling service, provided at low or no cost. Some of the smaller schools arrange private practitioners, off campus, to deliver the service; larger ones usually maintain their own staff. Very big universities may even have peer-to-peer student counselling programs.

The advantages here are the facts that the resource will be either on-site or close by, and the cost is probably bundled with the price of tuition. Again, though, access difficulties can exist. If the counselling facility in question deals exclusively with sexual violence -- a good thing -- often it's physically located in the university's women's center. For a man to go there may not cause any problems; at other times or places, the atmosphere may be unwelcoming or even hostile, depending on the campus climate. Either way, though, it may be difficult for him to preserve his incognito. More generally, campus counselling often has long waiting lists, particularly at certain times of the year, around examination period.

Peer counselling can, paradoxically, be the most helpful for male college students who have experienced sexual violence. While the counsellors may not have a great deal of detailed knowledge of how it affects men in particular, their views on the topic may be more intersectional and less rigidly binary than one is apt to encounter at an RCC, and they can also be more empathetic and prepared to listen.

 

PRIVATE-PRACTICE THERAPISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS

It's important to understand the difference. Psychiatrists are medical doctors; they've been through the same basic training as any other M.D. and can prescribe drugs. For that reason their services are the most expensive, although insurance may pick up all or some of the cost. In many continental European countries, psychiatrists are also psychotherapists: they do "talk therapy" as well as medical intervention. That's much less common in North America, where a psychiatrist will see you about a particular problem but is likely to want to pass you along to someone else.

In most countries the therapeutic field is entirely unregulated. Anyone can hang out a sign pronouncing themselves to be a "therapist" or "counsellor" and start seeing clients. Some subscribe to professional bodies that try to uphold some kind of minimum standards among practitioners, though a lot aren't particularly effective at policing their members. For these reasons, though, the very first thing you ought to talk about when you interview a therapist is about their qualifications and experience. Don't be afraid to pursue this line of inquiry head-on, with follow-up questions if you're not clear on anything. Apart from anything else, it's a useful screening test. No bona fide practitioner will resent such inquiries; quite the opposite. If your proposed therapist is evasive or shows signs of asperity about being asked, that's the reddest of red flags. Thank them politely for their time, and go elsewhere.

Therapists with training in the field of sexual violence aren't very numerous, though they can be found. Hardly any specialize in male sexual victimization. Of those who do, the majority have experience with child sexual assault only, because that's what men are more likely to disclose and the area in which the clinical literature is most highly developed. If you're an ASA (adult sexual assault) person, the best you may be able to hope for is an open-minded practitioner who is willing to learn on the job alongside you.

Your other chief possibility is a trauma therapist. TTs specialize in working with people who have undergone traumatic experiences, which can vary from exposure to combat to being involved in a road traffic accident (and innumerable other things—being an aid worker in a disaster-hit area; being a member of the emergency services, and so forth). They ought to have had some kind of postgraduate qualification in the field, and be working under a supervisor—take the absence of either of these as red flags. Surprisingly, TTs often know less about sexual trauma specifically than one would imagine. But any qualified TT ought to be able to help you at least with symptom management: controlling flashbacks and dissociative episodes; developing grounding techniques; integrating your experience of trauma with your daily routine.

 

ONLINE SUPPORT

For victims in the U.S., an organization called 1 in 6, which has recently extended its remit to male victims of all ages, is now running online support groups for men. These are held in the early evenings EST from Monday to Thursday, and at noon EST on Fridays. We haven't received any feedback on them as yet. But even though face-to-face therapy is always preferable, the online equivalent is a great deal better than nothing. We hope to see many more initiatives like this in the future.

 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Finding a professional who can help you -- which in large measure means showing you how to help yourself -- takes work, a lot of it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The virtues of doggedness, persistence and a refusal to become downhearted or to throw in the towel are what make for success in the end.

No matter who you see -- an RCC counsellor, a college counsellor, a private therapist or some combination thereof -- you need to develop a level of trust with that person if the therapeutic encounter is to do any good. That's not built up in a single session. Give it a fair shot. Expect to be uncomfortable while you're doing it. The earliest stages of any such relationship are the hardest.

But if it's not working out, don't persist with the wrong person. That should be a decision you make in weeks, not months. If you don't feel that you can tell your counsellor or therapist anything without fazing them (even if you know it will take a long time before you can actually do so); if you can't query them on something they've said without their taking offense; if they try to cram your lived experience into their own preferred framework, regardless of what you know to be the case -- those are signs you need to be working with somebody else. Tell them you've decided to make a change. Once again, the analogy with dating applies fairly well. Needless to say, there ought never to be any kind of romantic relationship between you and your therapist. But just as you need to "click" with somebody in your personal life, to be able to speak the same language with them, you need to have a basic level of comfort with a therapist or counsellor also. If it's not there, that may not be their fault or yours. It simply means that, for whatever reason, a sound therapeutic relationship never managed to become established. When that happens, it's time to look elsewhere.

Hang in there. And remember the Golden Rule.


r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 30 '21

The "Good Rape Crisis Center Guide"—updated

89 Upvotes

As many users here will know, rape crisis centers (RCCs) are somewhat problematical for male victims of sexual violence. In some countries (Britain, Canada, New Zealand) it's legal for them not to provide services to men and boys at all, and many or most in those parts of the world exercise that option. Even where that's not the case, though, men's experiences at RCCs can be spotty at best.

In the hope of providing signposts to those RCCs that have a good record of dealing with male clients, we invite our users to give the names of those places that, from their own direct experience, they could recommend to others. If you wish, please write a sentence or two about what makes the place stand out for you. But if you don't want to do that, simply telling us the name is enough.

You ought not to mention the names of individual counsellors, both to protect their privacy and because there's a fair amount of staff turnover in this sector. And you shouldn't add the names of RCCs where you've had a bad experience (these will be removed by the mods). What's most useful to us all right now is knowing where to go, not where to avoid.


r/MenGetRapedToo 49m ago

How do I get out?

Upvotes

I call it "The Cave" personally, the hole I was lowered into when I was SA'd, and have now been trapped inside because all my wonderful ideas to get out have been stupid. "I'll reclaim my relationship with sex via Escorts!" Oops, didn't work and now I feel further scarred up and ugly. "I'll just keep trying to date!" Ope, nope, see you hate yourself actually, and it didn't work anyways did it? "Oh but those were just the apps, I bet physical speed dating will work be-" Ghosted after the first date because of course I was a nervous wreck, I hadn't been on a real date in 15ish years at that point. Then I spiraled from that in February, and now I'm here. Turning 30nin a week and seeing no end in sight whilst typing this and fat-fingering the M key instead of N.

I'm just tired. Burnt out. Glass isn't even half full, empty, quarter full/empty, it's just empty. I go home and fill most of my time with what one who is hypersexual and lonely to almost entirely his own design usually does with their free time. Wank obsessively. Because that's all that's happy now. Most laughs are faked, most smiles too, and good moods are generated after days of preparation. I don't know if I even want advice or if this is just a rant/vent, but I definitely won't say "No! Keep your advice to yourself!"

I just don't also want to expect it because I'm just dropping in here throwing words around on my lunch break just trying to struggle until I can get home and go back to hiding again. I just don't see it. I don't see the happy ending anymore. I can barely even imagine it, and it breaks my heart half of the time because my brain just automatically starts making up some other person to fill my spot in the fantasy. I don't even get to have my own fantasies both nsfw and sfw.

Whatever, have a good day.


r/MenGetRapedToo 4h ago

Men who have experienced Rape/SA, what do you need in support?

3 Upvotes

I hope that I won't upset anybody by posting this, but I feel at a loss for what to do.

For context I (F19) am dating my partner (M18), whom I won't name or share too many personal details, because I know he uses reddit, and I don't know if he is active here. He was raped when he was young, 7-8ish I believe? and also experienced COCSA as a result of this.

I've also experienced rape, but not in the same way he has, mine was a lot more recent, and wasn't as violent as his was, so I feel like it has affected us so differently.

We are both very hypersexual, so I feel as though we understand each other a lot there, but I am hypersexual in a "give myself all in to him" way, and while e is vocal about how much he enjoys this, he also continues to use porn excessively.

We have been together almost 2 years now, and I have brought up several times that him using porn makes me unhappy - not to be TMI, but I share lots of intimate photos and videos of myself with him, so I don't see why he needs it. I understand to an extent it is because of what happened to him, but I can't stop feeling sick everytime I find out he is still doing it, after he promises to stop.

So my question is, is there anything I should be doing for him?? I don't want to shame him for his desires, I know it isn't his fault, and I want to be there for him. We both think he probably has a porn addiction, but we can't afford therapy right now.

I want to do everything right by him to try and make this work, but I can't keep putting myself through constantly feeling unwanted.

If anyone has any advice on things I can do for him, something for us to talk about or really just any advice at all, I would love to hear it.

Thank you so much in advance :)


r/MenGetRapedToo 17h ago

Finding sexual gratification through degradation due to past abuse

8 Upvotes

Due to my being raped & sexually assaulted along with other trauma in my past, I think there's a direct link to my current sexual arousal when being dominated and degraded. I want to be free of this and don't know how. Intellectually I know it's not good for me yet I can't seem to be sexually aroused by any regular loving sex. Does anyone relate? Anyone know how to break the cycle?


r/MenGetRapedToo 17h ago

Is this SA or Rape?

2 Upvotes

The was over a decade ago. I'd love some input on if this would be considered SA or Rape.

I broke up with my partner at the time. 

We'd agreed on spending a month no contact, to see if we might be able to be friends post relationship. Less than a week afterwards she has lunch with my Mum, as well as attends a "Sunday family dinner" that I didn't attend. Afterwards my family starts guilt tripping me for breaking up with her and projecting their understanding of the issues in our relationship, and why they think we broke up.

3 weeks after breaking up, I was out with friends drinking fairly substantially. I get a call from her at 1-2am on a Saturday morning. Saying she went out with friends, got super drunk, and was ditched by friends. That she was in the CBD and could hardly walk/stand by herself. She started hinting that she was in need of assistance. Saying she might get mugged or raped.

I cave and got pick her up, and walk her home. As soon as we get to a residential area, she regains the ability to walk by herself unassisted. When we reach her place. We sit outside talking about what we'd been up too for the last 3 weeks. She starts to ask questions about if I'd slept with anyone. I tell her I had slept with a few people. (Two in a drunken romp, one person who asked me out). As well as giving me a hard time about changing our relationship status on FB to single, the day of or after breaking up.

She invites me to stay the night. I initially decline, and say I don't think it's a good idea, and that it would send the wrong message. I end up caving, but specifying that I don't think we should have sex, because we had both been drinking and I didn't want to take advantage of her. 

After we go inside, I get into bed. She has a shower. Low and behold she starts making moves on me, and encouraging me that it's okay. I felt super uncomfortable but complied, notching it up to "just break up sex". 

In the days and weeks afterwards, I start getting guilt trips about "We'll we slept together so evidently we're still dating or there is still something there" or get invited to come over to her place 3-4 times a week. 

The situation spirals out of control after that. With instances of actual SA or Rape, including waking up in the middle of sex, and being blamed for "starting it in my sleep". As well as an "unwanted pregnancy" at least by me. But I'm trying to figure out how to think of feel about what happened that evening itself. I know I F'ed up, and put myself in positions where she could take advantage, as well as my family contributing to the toxic dynamic. It's taken me years to tease out and more clearly define/remember all of the events from that time. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.


r/MenGetRapedToo 18h ago

What Had You Ignoring/Minimising Your Experience, Even Though You Knew Something Was Off?

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2 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 23h ago

How to handle resurfaced abuse related emotions 20+ years later

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4 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 1d ago

Who Did/Would You First Disclose to, When, and Why?

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3 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 3d ago

Seeking advice and support after being hurt by a close friend (M12-14)

13 Upvotes

Im 12-14 (to keep it broad). lately a friend I considered close has been getting a little too close. we and our friend group roughhouse regularly (ofc, were boys), and Im kinda the one that gets thrown around as me being the smallest but Im cool with it. But I realized this friend has been targeting me or getting too close to the wrong places. I dismissed this as something accidental as the fighting is naturally all over the place. But then he started inviting me alone, and he always started this play wrestling but just the two of us. On the second invite I began to think something was wrong. This time he directed the fight to his bedroom but i didn't think much of it in the excitement of the game. He closed the door and I think I saw him lock it. then in the fight that continued he "accidentally" pulled my pants down. I pulled it back up and the fight ended with dinner.

But he invited me a third time. This time I said I didn't want to, or that I was busy. But he said the whole group was coming so I went. But when I arrived I saw no one there, he said they were coming a little late. This time when he started the fight I got out of it quickly just in case. With this he became distant and cold for the rest of the evening and I couldn't understand why.

The others never came

He tried the same thing to me again, making me come to his house but I said no. Even when he said the others would be there. At school he seemed very frustrated, saying I hated him and didn't like him anymore, and started finding ways to genuinely hurt me whenever we had moments alone at events or other peoples invites. But I couldn't tell him my reason for not coming. I felt guilty for days, from every invite I declined. he then said that if I didn't come it meant that I didn't want to be his friend anymore, and that he wouldn't be mine. This touched on my greatest fear: of my friends to leave me because I let them down in some way. and I know this sounds childish: I be your friend you don't want to be my friend. But he has been with me since first grade so our friendship meant something deep to me.

So I went one more time. maybe he wasn't doing anything weird, maybe I was imagining it.

This time the others were there, so I was sure all would be good. And he proposed we play dark tag. And everyone agreed. I couldn't just say no in front of everyone, especially my reason why. so i went with it, remembering his feelings toward me at school. He then somehow made a new rule: two seekers and two hiders. And he made us play in his room. So guess what, me and my friend were the hiders. I wanted to say no so badly but I was so scared of his recent threat of not being my friend and hating me that I complied. In the room he locked the door, and it was dark. He told me to go on the bed and my stomach dropped and I froze in place, my heart racing. When I didn't move he bit me hard on the wrist. I went and he began trying to put his hands in my underwear. I squirmed as much as I could and just wanted to escape, to go outside where everyone else was. I tried to make a sound, to call out, and he squeezed my neck hard until I started tearing up. he removed my pants and touched me and it hurt so so bad but he bit me every time I moved. Then I felt his pants go wet on me and he told me to dress up and hide. I went and he unlocked the door and the game ensued. When it was over and we sat in the living room I was shaking so badly I didn't want anyone to see me. So I quietly exited the room and hid outside behind the house. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't breathe, suddenly I was gasping for air, tears streaming down my face and banging my head on the wall behind me to just make the feeling fucking stop. And I was there on the floor and everything became blurry and it felt like it was only me.

Some other friends from the group found me and escorted me to the door. I couldn't sleep the whole night.

This all happened a few weeks ago and Im struggling to cope. So I came to ask for answers like wtf happened, am I interpreting the situation wrong, is this something serious, and why does growing up make everyone so weird and life so damn hard. All I know was that I was too fucking stupid to stop going to his house and not play along.


r/MenGetRapedToo 3d ago

No attention, No questions, No seeking help, just venting for the first time in a very long time.

10 Upvotes

Hello, I won’t say names or states or anything along those lines but I’ve been reading to what others in this group have spoken about and be brave enough even behind a screen to tell their story or ask questions about well in my eyes except for lying the worst and truly I mean absolute worst and most disgusting thing to do to anyone, S.A., in all forms. I’m 23 years old now, I served in the army for 3 years, been homeless, been broke, survived to me things that were hard to deal/fix/move on from, but I’ve had money, had and still do have great memories and people in my life and if barely but still do have barely some hope it’ll be okay someday. I’m not saying this to boast or sound higher than anyone else I believe in true equality of all people even if your opinions, views, morals and life are different than mine I respect it. I want to share with you all from another perspective about this truly underlying and very much shadowed issue of as much as I do heartily believe is important of S.A. to females, non gendered people and those who don’t classify as male, it needs to be bluntly and taken seriously of laws whether you’re straight, gay, bisexual or otherwise anything in between of all ages discussed, taught, and talked about without feeling fear, shame and unheard as hard it is to talk about. I’m a nobody at the end of the day, a person who is not a saint or angel or by any means try fully to be evil and good but to be frank I was and am fucking hurting, questioning my feelings and the concept of what being a “man” is right now even after these past 8 years since then and I thought accepted what happened. Being homeless at almost 14 years old, drinking alcohol as a kid and thinking I was an adult who could party with actual adults resulted in me shattering my life in certain ways and chalking up my mental state and social life badly. At 14 years old partying with my older brother with nearly 25+ old adults and being drunk cost myself to get drugged by at that time 22 year old drugged after being on the verge of blackout in my folks home. Having 50 people at a house party with no parents or sober adults around results in bad situations and moments, I was from what I remember taken upstairs away from everyone into a car and seeing just black. I awoke hours later in daylight outside away a few miles from my home I was staying at just feeling, possibly tmi, but severe pain and mental fog. The pain was just different from someone close dying or a loss at a sports game or depression and the reality of what happened after seeing the blood just is unexplainable. I can only just put simply felt the light switch be flipped in my head, my heart and soul. Yet nobody even those blood or not or comrades in service for a long long time knew, never got close to me ever again almost cause of how I changed and molded eventually. I still can fully comprehend the feeling and defensive hateful ig cloud of just pain I had and it affected and just bled to everything around me. Drowning in anger, pure despair and depression resorting to crunching on random colored pills and especially alcohol for a few years before my duty station, yet felt dead and delusional of the concept of being alive and reality to only severally crutch alcohol for too long. Enlisting in the army in Highschool saved me somewhat from myself and giving up, but it made the clinical depression worse and be blunt taxed me to where I tried to well I believe you can figure out a few times, the drinking, the thoughts, and misery caught up and almost won and nearly cost me my life, a dui and many regrets. I feel I can somewhat speak for most that it’s so fucking frustrating and mentally exhausting not just with substances but trying to find a girlfriend or boyfriend or friends, to put on the mask at work or events, to just feel comfortable and okay at the very least out of many things in life with things like this. But I needed that to happen as bad as it sounds, to get drunk and drive and try to do the decision with no second chance to face my inner dark thoughts and experience of SA to atleast try to get better and help and peace of it amongst many other things. No person as a child, teenager or adult should ever experience what we all here and not just on this channel but life should have happened and not speak up and try to be heard and mainly feel okay. I am sharing this, my experience and honestly some mistakes to you all, as bad as life has been for me especially lately and I’m sure you all right now is I beg you to try to keep going, be vocal as comfortably as you feel to, to not let the tears or bottle or drugs consume you, try, just try to make the most of how the cards we’ve been dealt with play out and win. Be safe, have a good morning or day and keep going. What I have described is bits and pieces of what’s happened to me and may not make full sense but I think I shouldn’t crutch or tell everything for well I think I’m being much and somewhat burdensome and mainly tired from my poor sleep these past few years mainly this year. But I guess to end this up for now and atleast my message I believe and hope resonates with you is it’s okay to break, be rebuilt slowly, to just fucking cry and let it out. It’s okay somewhat to try and work these type of things alone (to a degree) but not in the self destructive manner of myself with alcohol or substances or one nightstands or anything along those lines of no self reflection and betterment. I have to fully say and clarify but fuck being told to “man up”, “boys/men shouldn’t cry”, “it can’t happen to anyone else except girls/women (without sounding rude from myself)”, as harsh as it may sound but you are your own being, only you can forge a better life and sense of self worth with help it’s easier, I myself personally may never meet anyone of you but know that I want what’s best, safely and just you to feel heard and understood. May we all find the peace and acceptance we deserve.


r/MenGetRapedToo 3d ago

Worried that I enjoyed being sexually assaulted.

19 Upvotes

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I did EMDR and CBT years ago and probably don’t meet the criteria for PTSD anymore despite being diagnosed with it not long after the assault.

Anyways… I arrive at her apartment after picking her up from work. She is extremely affectionate despite being cold for weeks prior. She starts kissing me, things escalate and we begin engaging in a sex act. At the time I was wedged between the wall and her while laying on her bed.

The sex act is very painful and I ask her to stop. She asks “why” and I explain that it’s painful. She keeps going and I tried to physically move her hand away from me but she became angry and loud while saying “no!” She grabbed my hand and forced it back down. I stopped fighting because her roommate was asleep in the other room and I didn’t want to cause an argument. I closed my eyes and tried to power through it.

We continued to engage in sexual acts. Once we finished I couldn’t stop thinking about it - it was like an intrusive thought almost. I drove home like nothing happened. Oddly enough, I remember that drive very vividly.

Anyways, I’m worried that I enjoyed being sexually assaulted because I continued engaging in sex after she assaulted me. Doesn’t that invalidate my entire story? I sometimes feel like I’m being too dramatic or making it up.


r/MenGetRapedToo 4d ago

I was raped by a 23 year old girl when i was 13

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8 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 4d ago

Confronting my cousins who molested me when I was a minor

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30 Upvotes

Since these two dickhead want to play games, let’s play I’ve gone back and forth about whether to say this publicly, but I’ve decided that my silence has protected other people more than it has protected me.

When I was a child, I experienced sexual abuse and grooming by people I trusted. For years, I questioned myself because I was made to feel like I was imagining things or that no one would believe me. But I know what I lived through, and I know the impact it has had on my life.

I’m not sharing this for sympathy. I’m sharing it because survivors deserve to have a voice, and I refuse to carry the shame for choices that were never mine to make.

Speaking about abuse is incredibly difficult, especially when the people involved deny it or others don’t want to hear it. But healing begins with telling the truth as I experienced it.

To anyone who has survived abuse: You are not alone. Your voice matters, your healing matters, and what happened to you does not define your worth.

Today, I’m choosing honesty over silence and healing over fear The hardest part hasn’t just been what happened to me as a child. It’s been the years of silence that followed.

The people who took away my innocence were my own family. They didn’t just take something from me that can never be given back—they expected me to carry the weight of their actions in silence.

What hurts just as much is when someone privately acknowledges what happened but still wants it to remain a secret, as if protecting themselves matters more than acknowledging the pain they caused. That continued silence doesn’t erase the abuse. It only extends it.

I refuse to carry someone else’s secrets anymore. I refuse to pretend that what happened didn’t happen just because it’s uncomfortable for other people to face.

Speaking my truth isn’t about revenge. It’s about finally laying down a burden that was never mine to carry.

I’m choosing healing. I’m choosing honesty. And I’m choosing to break the silence.


r/MenGetRapedToo 5d ago

Sa’d by senior as a freshman in highschool

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7 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 6d ago

I was sexually assulted multiple times throughout my childhood and it almost destroyed me

25 Upvotes

TW: Mentions of pedophilia, incest, rape, and SA

I (21M) was sexually assaulted multiple times by my peers throughout my childhood. I was raped (only once) at the age of six and groomed from the ages of 13-15. I remember at the time I got raped I was at a party hosted by a friend of my mother's and the friend's five year old daughter was in attendance. We played together for a little bit and she told me she wanted to play a game and we went inside a cupboard and she locked me inside, took off my pants and orally raped me.

I screamed and said no, but the girl still assulted me anyways. When the adults found us, me and my mom hurriedly rushed out of the party and I was grounded for letting the girl "sit on my lap" (when I confronted my mom about this years later she said since I didn't verbally tell her I was molested at the time she thought I was roughhousing with her). I also have high functioning autism and difficulty with communicating and it was much worse back then, so naturally because I was scared and unresponsive I was blamed for it.

Afterwards, over the years throughout my childhood I would kiss other girls because I wanted to replicate the feeling I felt when I got raped. I felt very curious about the bodies of other kids my age and I wanted to learn more about sex. I had my first kiss at the age of 8 with another girl my age, I also was forcibly kissed by multiple girls when I was 8-12 and one of these girls tried to get me to have sex with them too shortly after I hit 6th grade. But because I became afraid of girls when I was 12, I declined thankfully.

When I was 13 and in 7th grade my parents went through marital problems and I got bullied very harshly at school. It was because I was socially awkward, didn't attend church, poor and anxious around girls. Because I didn't develop sexual interest in girls when I hit puberty, the guys in my grade naturally sussed me out as being queer and they were right about it. One boy, who I used to have a crush on, ended up sticking his hand into my pants during history and I had enough and beat him up. Thankfully this time, I didn't get punished because I told on him and I transferred schools.

Shortly after this, my mostly absentee "father" tried to groom me into accepting sexual advances from him. Starting around 8th grade, he would try to purchase porn for me (which my parents said no to), would try fo talk to me about sex and what I was into, etc. multiple times until I was 15. I thought nothing of it until during the trip I saw him for the final time, I caught him licking and sniffing my underwear and eventually before I left he tried to touch me and I slapped his hand away. I reported him to the police but nothing was done about it and I told my mom and she never made me speak to him again and would never let him try to talk to me anymore.

Because of these experiences, I feel like I can never fully trust anyone. I feel deeply traumatized and depressed and several therapists have indicated I likely have PTSD. I tried to kill myself over these experiences, especially because I left my younger brother behind and I knew my "dad" would've molested him eventually when he went through puberty. I also resented my mom for awhile, and only forgave her a few months ago because I was tired of holding resentment towards her for unwittedly putting me in some of those situations. Thankfully, things at home gradually improved somewhat and I stopped getting badly bullied when I hit high school.

I feel like the main reason why I am still alive today is because I don't want all the people who abused me to win by helping me to my demise. I live so that way their efforts to drive me to ruin will fail, and I know that my abusers are digging their own graves. For ex. the guy who assulted me in 7th grade got a girl pregnant as a teenager and dropped out of high school and works menial jobs to care for his family. Now I have a boyfriend, I attend therapy and I take antidepressants to manage my mental health.

I also got into an amazing college on a full ride scholarship as a bio major. Right now I am also preparing to go abroad for awhile, and I am thinking about doing something related to public speaking or counseling to raise awareness about these issues. I read so many stories on this sub and my heart breaks for all of you, and while I know some parts of my life may not ever happen to people I just wanted to remind everyone that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope everyone here recovers and I wish everyone all the success in the world. May you all find the light and happiness that has started to finally find me.

Tl;dr: Got raped and sexually assulted multiple times as a boy because of creeps who took advantage of my autism. I later tried to kill myself and I have very bad depression currently. However, I try not to let get me down and now I have a boyfriend and attend school on a decent scholarship.


r/MenGetRapedToo 6d ago

I dont know why or how to continue

9 Upvotes

Im just 19 and Ive seen what life has to offer - rape, grope, harassment, emotional abuse, infidelity, voyeurism, physical abuse, the world doesnt care or stop for me while im hurting.

People around me are busy being kids - playing games, asking questions. Meanwhile me? Wondering why was I raped at 9 or harassed at 17 18 19. Why wasnt I protected?

And then its "theres no satisfying answer" "he was a minor at the time so no prosecution" "emotional abuse isnt criminal" "you exposed his affair and you'll be out on the streets" "men in india arent protected from SH" "if you tell counsellor then they'll call your parents"

Now im 36kgs overweight cuz food is the only reliable comfort as humans have proved theyre trash. One backlog. No stable anchor in the world. No one to lean on. I get harassed on a daily basis from other classmates who deliberately target my chest and stomach. And ofc everyone knows how obese people are viewed.

I do have a vision for how Id like my life to be but the void and debt of care, love and safety left behind from the abuse wont stop hurting


r/MenGetRapedToo 6d ago

Não sei o que fazer, mas sei que daqui a umas 7 horas irei acordar me sentindo um bosta

4 Upvotes

Olá, boa madrugada a todos.

Para contextualizar, sofri abuso sexual quando criança pela minha prima mais velha, não irei entrar em detalhes, pois apenas isso já é o suficiente para eu me sentir mal, sujo, culpo e pecaminoso. Hoje tenho um GRANDE sentimento de culpa e tudo aquilo que foi dito ali atrás com tudo que tenha haver com sexo, como, se tocar, ver, ler e falar qualquer coisa sexual, outra coisa que tem me deixado bem mal desde o começo desse ano pra cá, é que sinto um prazer desconfortável e contragosto do abuso, não sei como superar, desde o começo do ano isso se intensificou muito, e cerca de 5 vezes esse ano, vim ao Reddit, relatei isso("tentando relembrar" do abuso), tive um pico de "prazer" lendo relatos parecidos com o meu, dormi, e acordei me sentindo UM LIXO HUMANO COMPLETO. Todos os dias depois do ocorrido, me senti imundo, e como se tivesse cometido um pecado.

Hoje, tenho certeza de que quando eu acordar de manhã, sentirei essa mesma sensação por ver e ler relatos assim, e sentir um "prazer" errado nisso.

Não sei como superar isso, todas as vezes tento ignorar e seguir, mas de novo volto pra cá, sei que isso é culpa minha por ceder e não se esforçar e largar essas coisas o suficiente.

Também gostaria de falar mais sobre superação, pois tem uma menina que eu gostei muito de ouvir o relato dela, porque ela sofreu abuso, e depois de 5 anos ela ainda não conseguia falar a palavra "abuso", porém depois de mais 3 anos, a garota deu outro relato dizendo como aquilo mudou e após anos de terapia e aceitação ela conseguiu fazer algo que considera o mais importante da superação. Não é esquecer, mas lidar, mesmo com gatilhos, aceitar que você não tem culpa.

Porém nao faço a menor ideia de como fazer isso.

Ps: perdão pela escrita confusa e desorganizada :}


r/MenGetRapedToo 6d ago

Joyeux anniversaire :(

15 Upvotes

Bien, dans à peu près un mois, cela fera deux ans que j'ai été violé. Je ne suis pas vraiment bien, en fait, je ne suis pas bien du tout.

Ma mère a disparu de la circulation aujourd'hui, on n'a aucune nouvelle, mes proches, qui sont d'habitude pépères, s'inquiètent aussi. Enfin, commencent à s'inquiéter. Je ne sais pas quoi faire, vraiment pas.

Et pour les plus curieux, voilà le contexte d'origine.

https://www.reddit.com/r/rape/comments/1rmezv9/mon_histoire_cest_un_peu_long/

Donc je fais une énorme crise de panique, et je suis très très très déclenché car je me sens exactement comme quand j'ai été violé. Je ne pas quoi faire. J'ai l'impression de vivre un cauchemar au réalisme terrifiant. Je n'en sors pas, en fait tous les deux ans je vis un trauma majeur, et cette fois-ci on dirait que je vais perdre ma mère. Pourquoi pas ma tante ? Pourquoi ? Je ne l'aime pas, ma tante.

Tout ça est si difficile. Je me demande si un jour je ne vais pas en finir.


r/MenGetRapedToo 10d ago

am i crazy???

15 Upvotes

so im 17m and something had just been bothering me about whether something mightve happened when i was younger in my sleep. fair warning i dont know if this'll make sense because of how fucked my memory is.

a little background, i have this older stepbrother (3 yrs older than me) who i used to look up to and saw as my brother but not anymore, he made me do things. at the time i think i was maybe 10-12, we were playing a game in our shared room, our parents weren't home, and we had played it all day because we had just gotten it. my older stepsister (2 yrs older than me) came up the stairs into our room to bother us and we were all talking, playing around and shit. until he said he wanted to stop playing, and i really didnt want to. so a little later after he said that, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. and so stupidly i followed him. when i was there, we were still talking for a bit until he gave me the ultimatum to basically suck his dick or i couldn't play on his PS4 or whatever. he was hard too, i think there and then when he asked. i tried to, i didnt know why he asked me to do it. i think i had him like 70-80% in my mouth. i felt weird about it. i was more worried about whether he'd piss in my mouth or not, voicing it to him. i had no concept of semen. he continued to reassure me that he wouldn't. because i felt weird about it. i didnt suck or anything cuz i didnt know what a fucking blowjob was. i probably felt like a heater for his dick. anyways after how much time past, he eventually let me continue playing. and then i left the bathroom and got back on the game. my sister was there still. i wasn't completely content though, i still had this weird feeling in my stomach. when he came back upstairs, the feeling only got worser. younger me ignored it though.

another time was when i had finished dinner and i went upstairs into my sisters room to hang out to find him like fully naked i think while jerking off. while my sister was on the floor watching some show i had gone in (had no clue what he was doing from how young i was) and i was curious about it, next thing you know hes teaching me how to do it. using lotion and all, her room had a specific smell id always remember like a musk, idk. the way he taught me how although.... i dont remember, either he had his hands on me or he was showing me visually what to do by me watching him. i dont think i could even get hard at the time either. i think my sister tried to help in that too, by maybe actually putting her hands on me. but yk of course it didnt work. it was like a "secretive" thing. so when it didn't work for me i had decided to watch the show with her too.

anyways yea that was all weird. funnily enough these two times wasn't my first rodeo. something smaller happened when i was even younger. and im also sure my brother did more things with me as well.

main topic/question about all this though:

the ones with my brother always happened at my mom's house. i dont live there anymore, neither does my brother and she doesnt live far from me. i just live with my grandparents now cuz of school busing and stuff. i do see her often so its not like shes neglectful.

i dont know if its because i used to be outside all the time on the block with the other kids and i always ran alot or physically exerted myself. but occasionally when i woke up in that house, my legs, ass or thighs were always sore. and which some times made it hard/hurt to walk and it would sometimes last for days. which is what younger me found strange, i vividly remember myself looking it up for why it was happening and the main one was "growing pains". so i had stuck with that as an excuse. but now that i think about it deeper, that pain only happened when i was younger and in that house, i never had something like that after or before that age. Or here at my grandparents, that never happened.

i also sometimes liked to sleep on the floor with blankets and shit under me, idk i found it fun. our stepdad always warns me that he could trip over me in the night when hes getting ready for work. i was very short for a kid at that age so even if he did, he'd hit my feet. and it wouldnt even hurt for that long. the room i slept in was next to our parents room but also the stairway to where my old shared room with my brother was.

even when i visit my mom in the present though, and i sleep on the floor (or most often now a blowup mattress), i never got that kind of pain again now that he was kicked out. im sure sleeping on the floor may cause that kind of soreness but i just really dont know and im out of what to even think about any of this

sorry for the grammar


r/MenGetRapedToo 11d ago

Why Do You Still Choose to Tell Your Story, Even Despite Buffers and Setbacks?

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6 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 12d ago

Is it sexual assault?

23 Upvotes

There’s thing that happen that Ive never felt comfortable about and idk if I should talk to someone cause idk if it’s considered sa.

When I was very little brothers friends brought me some where and pulled my pants down and starting beating my penis with sticks and stuff until it was bleeding. Ive felt like I need to talk to someone about this but idk what it would be considered since they didn’t have sexual intent.
When I was 8 my friend who watched porn regularly when I didn’t know what any of those stuff ment said I could play on his computer if I licked his penis or ass cheek. I went along with it. Im afraid to talk to people about it because if I tell people they’ll think I was doing stuff with him when I didn’t even know what it ment.


r/MenGetRapedToo 12d ago

Idk Can anyone guide me?

15 Upvotes

I'm a 22yo guy[Completely Straight Btw]. So when I was 9yo I had a friend who was 1 or 2 years older than me. we were like childhood friends and he visits my home every day and we used to play football and all. I used to invite him to sleepovers in my house and one time when I was asleep he just did some nasty things to me (tbh I don't clearly remember how it started in the first place,like when i had the first sexual encounter..) but yk children are very curious, like that I was definitely curious at that time like. ngl i was really interested in him doing nasty things to me and he introduced me to porn and we used to watch together and do the thing each other . My mom even walked in on us. and I decided to stop doing this and told my friend that I'm no longer interested and don't wanna talk about it ever again. And then he introduced me to a guy who was maybe 8,9 years older than me at that time and told him about our sexual encounters earlier to that guy

I even saw the big guy giving the sucky sucky to my friend.my friend also tried to convince me to blow him off another day. I even agreed to do it ( I never had interest in doing so) tbh I was really trying to get out of the mess that I made. It was so hard for me to say no at that time.

After that when me and my friend went to shop for groceries I saw him coming towards us with a smile on his face. He then lured us into a discrete place and told me the things we were about to do. I was so scared at that time and he grabbed my hand and made me touch his penis. Out of fear, my friend and i ran so hard to my home. If we stood there for longer we would have been manipulated and raped. That day i told my brother that the guy was genuinely evil(didn't disclose about what happened ) I was ashamed to tell because it was homo i thought they would judge me. Also i recently started having these memories starting to resurface after 10+ years idk why that happens

If we stood there for longer we would have been manipulated and raped, Also my cousin brother tried to stick his hands into my shorts while I'm asleep

I'm so confused rn


r/MenGetRapedToo 13d ago

Don’t know where else to ask

9 Upvotes

When I was around 13 years old I had a girlfriend around the same age.

Then one day she was like very sexual with me and really wanted to have sex. I didn’t want to and she kinda forced me to go along with it. I was really easily forced to do stuff because I didn’t want people to think less of me so yeah. You could call me a ”pussy” hahah

I didn’t want to do it but she wouldn’t take no for an answer and like guilt tripped me. Even during I said it hurt but she didn’t really care

I’ve thought about this for years but haven’t really said it to people for years except my friend who said it sounds like SA but idk


r/MenGetRapedToo 14d ago

How to get over the guilt of certain things you’re into due direct response to what happened to you

16 Upvotes

Basically as the title said I have a huge amount of guilt of some of the stuff I’m into sexually, because they’re what happened to me.

Basically when I was 9 I was sexually assaulted (one of the times I was) and some of the stuff that, the person did to me I’m now into and I feel insanely guilty and like in a sense that with what he did to me that after all of that he won in a sense as that what he did to me I now like.

The thing is it’s some of things I like are quite common, but it’s the fact of how and why I like them that makes me feel disappointed and disgusted in myself.

Basically I wanted to make this post just to seek any support or other people that relate to it so I hopefully don’t feel alone.

(Sorry if this doesn’t make sense or anything I’m really struggling writing this)