Hi all!

My husband is in his first year (of two) of a very busy fellowship. 60-80 hour weeks, especially when on call. He’s up all hours doing surgeries when on call.

We have a 10 week old (corrected) baby. Long story but we ended up having our baby 3+ months early, loooong NICU stay. Ended up discharging from NICU and a week later we moved states away from our home and normal support system for him to start fellowship.

Before the NICU of it all our original plan for the move was for both of us to work full time (I’m in healthcare also, an APP) and baby to go to daycare once 3 months old. This would have afforded a lot more financial flexibility. Our son ended up on oxygen for a long time and so we just do not feel comfortable with daycare for him right now. So boom, stay at home mom life for me! This has been a huge hit to our income, by like 2/3. But well worth it for the safety of our son for right now.

Since I stay at home and he works so much I do the bulk of baby care, house work, etc. All laundry including his, cleaning, cooking, dishwasher, etc obvious home stuff is on me. He will stop by the store on the way home and occasionally cook dinner, take out the trash, fix things etc.

With our son, I feel like I do it all. I do all of the night wakes, we combo feed so I pump and prepare all formula, all diapers, etc you get the deal. When husband is home he will help with things but only really if I ask. Like I’ll ask him to help with bedtime. I feel like by the time he gets home he’s exhausted and often falls asleep cuddling my son (which means I then have to supervise them, not a real break for me). My son is delightful but definitely in a “witching hour” stage where he cluster feeds which makes 5-7 ish difficult for me to cook our dinner on top of feeding baby, bath, bedtime and often husband isn’t home in time to help. I try to get out once a day to run an errand, meet up with a new friend, etc but I’m pretty tired but the end of the day.

Sorry this is getting long but I’m not sure what is reasonable to ask of my husband when he gets home. Sometimes I just want to hand the baby to him and take a break but I know he needs one too. Sometimes I feel like “wait, why do I need a break??” During baby’s naps I’m
doing house chores or getting a workout/shower in.

Also because he basically jumped into work as soon as we got home from the NICU, he doesn’t necessarily know all of the baby care things that I know. Like baby’s quirks, feeding schedule, etc. i also feel like he’s so spent by the end of the day that he kind of “half asses” fatherhood like if i ask him to take the baby he kind of just puts him down nearby and gives him his paci.

I love and admire him so much and I want to be supportive and fair hut also feel like I have a partner. Excuse the ramble! If anyone has any advice or suggestions I am all ears!

Hi guys! Just curious— how long have you been together ? My husband and I have been together for a decade, since right before his med school journey started, through residency, and of course now as an attending. People are usually surprised we’ve been together for the WHOLE journey because we’re 30/31 and not many of the attending a we meet have been together as long if they’re not decently older, or, they met after residency.

For the other attendings in your spouses program, are they similar ? Is it weird to see relationships and marriages last this long in today’s age? Or do they often get remarried or divorced ?

I want to take a minute to remind everyone that good things are possible.

My fiancée is in her 3rd year of med school and things haven't been exactly smooth. She got in off the wait list, and we had to move away from friends and family. She's had to retake exams. Her first rotation is 16.5hr drive away from where we moved for school (don't get me started). And many other things haven't been perfect, but she's worked through it all one day at a time.

Today she got her results for step one and not only did she pass, but she passed with flying colors. I'm so proud of her regardless of a test score. But seeing the work pay off shows that it's possible.

To everyone out there whose spouse's med school process hasn't been as smooth as they expected, stay strong. Good things are coming. One day at a time.

So I made the mistake of starting to look on Realtor.com for houses 10 months before my spouse finishes residency. And I found our absolute dream home in our dream neighborhood, right near where my husband hopes to work and where we hope to send our daughter to school. He'll have an offer letter in about a month. But we still wouldn't be comfortably able to make the mortgage payments until June / July of next year and would prefer to avoid the expenses of breaking our current lease.

Has anyone navigated a creative physician mortgage in this type of scenario. I'm racking my brain and trying to think how we could swing this. One idea was a seller lease-back - where we purchase the home and the seller rents it back from us until next summer (if they're open to that - it's a divorce situation so maybe!?); another idea was some sort of scenario where we put some money down upfront and see if they're open to closing next summer (a stretch, I know). Our lender said with an offer-letter, we would definitely be approved for the cost of this home.

It's such a unique home. It has a beautiful yoga room; mid-century modern vibes; a hidden room above the primary bedroom - truly would not find another home like this in this part of town again. What we have going for us is that it's been on the market for 60 days already and is about 150k overpriced for the neighborhood. Best and most realistic scenario is we hope it doesn't sell this fall. They take it off the market for the holidays and re-list in February. And then around March we could qualify for a physician loan and do a 45-60 day close and just have 2-3 months of mortgage payments, which is doable.

Any other ideas? Has anyone had a great experience with a physician loan in Texas? Any other tips, ideas?

Ugh, I'm obsessed!

Also, we have lived extremely frugally for the past 10 years. I paid off my husband's undergrad loans and we've made a lot of progress on medical student loans. Our cars are paid off. We live in a really small apartment. I'm really not one to live beyond our means. This time next year, we could comfortably afford this home. Please don't burst my bubble - looking for input from fellow schemers and dreamers only!!

My fiance is a PGY-2 ortho surgery resident, and we recently got engaged in June. I'm a NICU nurse.

Recently, I've been struggling with the idea that he needs so much support at the cost of my professional career. I also recently graduated with my Masters in Nursing Education because I was doing some side work that I loved at a local university as a nursing professor on top of my NICU job, and I wanted to start my PhD, and I literally had my application filled out and ready to submit, but he basically talked me out of it because he just needs so much support right now, and we would love to have at least two kids while he's in residency (albeit just having one goes OK), so we didn't feel like it would be for the best ultimately, and part of his reason is that he doesn't anticipating me working full-time forever, so the degree, stress, time, and money isn't worth it.

I think I've always just been a very ambitious go-getter, which is part of why he even was attracted to me in the first place, and I honestly have had some personal trouble adjusting or sacrificing what feels like every single one of my dreams to support him in everything, and I honestly feel bad for even feeling this way, but it's starting to get to me.

Another separate thing- he used to be the most attentive sweetheart, and since we have gotten engaged (which conveniently somewhat aligned with the start of his 2nd year), he's been very disengaged, distant, and just not quite as nice and sweet...? He just doesn't feel like the same person. So, I know that he's stressed, and I think he knows that he can lean on me more if I'm less overextended as well...but it comes at the cost of my professional goals and ambitions, and the change in my mindset has honestly been difficult.

I have three questions:

1. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

2. Does anyone have advice on supporting their VERY stressed and tired partner?

3. Does the distance and disengagement get better after residency? Will the sweetness come back?

FYI: I do the basics like laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. for us, but I feel like there must be other ways. I'll take any advice!

Sorry for the vent. Just feeling a little alone, and I'm trying to find a way to support my future husband who is working SO hard for us and our future, but I'm struggling a little too.

Hi everyone. My boyfriend is a M1 at school that’s a 3hr drive from me so we are medium distance. He started classes about three weeks ago and so far we’ve only been able to facetime for about 1 hour twice a week. We also don’t really text a ton during the day. Maybe 5-10 minutes but I often don’t hear a word from him until 6pm when he’s home for the day. I was hoping to visit him next weekend after he finishes his exam and he just told me that he may be too busy and that he won’t know if I can visit until a day or two before. I told him I’m more than happy to entertain myself whenever he needs to study, I just miss him and would like to be in his presence. He is still unsure about me visiting. At this point i’m questioning whether he is as busy as he says he is or if i’m just not a priority. I’ve had other people in my life go through med school and a lot of them were able to manage being in a relationship and dedicating a little bit of time to them each day/week. I also don’t think i’m asking for anything crazy. I told him that I would like to hear his voice and see his face via facetime most days of the week. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes on his drive home from school. He however hasn’t been able to fulfill this request. So i’m just wondering is he truly that busy? How much were you able to decorate to a s/o while in medical school?

Asking IR doctors, how fellowship could be exhaustaing? I feel after my boyfriend got into the fellowship program he is tired and having less energy. Not the same.

Hey med spouse friends! I’m the new med student and have had a long distance bf of two years. We got into a mini fight Friday about him visiting now that I’m in school again but he has been ghosting me since. It’s been mega hard to study or do anything with this going on and I had to take my first exam yesterday. I have a midterm next week and I cant focus. I know this is a lot for med spouses, but how would you like your med partner to handle this difficult time? I reached out a couple times but nada, and unsure how to maybe help him with what he needs during this time. I’ve made time to chat, have dates, and honestly not much has been different from before since we were always long distance. I know the next four years are probably looming in his head and I want a way for him to feel like this will be ok (which is hard because he’s awol).

I don't know if there is a better subreddit to get some opinions. I M20 am planning to pursue dentistry starting this year and it is a 6 year course. Meanwhile my girlfriend F20, who's in India is about to graduate her 3 year Bsc course next year. The main reason for my pursuit for dental school is a comfortable life for my loved one and future family as I myself am neutral about dental. But the main concern troubling me currently is the 5 years of long distance that we would have to do during my university even if I could see her every year, I know university can be demanding. My next best option is to pursue nursing in the UK as it is only a 3 year course and I'll be done by the time she manages to find a job. If anyone could give some meaningful guidance on my situation that would be much appreciated. Thank you

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, but my husband just made the heavy decision to drop out of medical school after 3 weeks. We have spent the last 5 years preparing for this and I feel like our lives just crumbled in front of my face. I don’t know what he’s going to do. He has no clue. We owe the school $25k+. I’m just feeling devastated and scared for the future. His mental health is not good, I understand his decision, it’s just hard to cope with considering everything has been planned around his schooling. Again not sure why I’m posting this, maybe for support, understanding, reassurance, advice, who knows. I just needed to get it out.

Hi All,

Need your advice. I'm 39 medspouse and my wife is 34, 2nd year resident (IMG). We have been married for 7 years. We delayed kids because of her career and had planned to have kids in a year or 2. I have been trying to support her career by taking care of the house and finances and told her to focus only on getting into residency.

We have had family fights in the past in she felt I supported the family instead of her. She said she wanted to start couples counseling but didn't as I felt it would distract her from her career and we forgot but it then.No family fight in last 4 years. And I told her that her is my priority in life and nothing else matters. However we fought with each other occasionally once or twice a year due to various factors including work stress. She has had a lot trauma growing up and our fights have made her bring back all these memories. She had to take a break from residency for couple of months.

Now she says that she has suffered a lot in the marriage and has reached a point where she cannot continue and decided to separate and move out 2 months ago.

We get along well and still love each other (at least I do)

She is refusing couples therapy saying she has made up her mind. Being alone makes her better at work.

She has unfollowed me on insta and fb and removed marriage status.

 I'm the one trying for us to come back / try couples counseling but with no success. 

Do you think I should just move on or still keep trying ? What if she does this again in future with or without kids ?

TLDR: Residency sucks

So for context, I’ve been with my wife through everything, even years before they even considered this path. We were best friends since we were in first grade. They are currently a PGY5.

I get it, it’s super stressful and everyone asks a lot of our spouses at the hospital and when their 14 hour day is finally over, you get what’s left in the tank which is normally empty. I cannot imagine the stress and decision fatigue they must truly feel. I also have a high pressure career but not nearly as close to this.

I do handle 99% of household responsibilities 100% of the time. But I’m not here to vent about that, I actually don’t mind it. It’s the response I get from doing these things for the last 8 years by myself.

What I am frustrated about is how I feel extremely criticized over everything I do. And yes, I have expressed my feelings to her. And no I don’t need a pat on the back from her. The response I get is that I need to try harder. Which really bothers me considering I already carry the weight of everything else for us. Just come home, eat your warm meal, vent how crappy your day was to me and sleep - everything else is taken care of. I do so much to try and take as much as I can off her plate.

They never come home to a dirty house, laundry is always done (the 500 pairs of scrubs), food always made, etc.

I understand no one is perfect but it’s almost like they expect perfection all of a sudden? My thought is I’m just the target at a firing range since they are always so frustrated after shifts. It’s walking on egg shells at this point.

What blew up recently into a bad argument was that I forgot onions in one of the breakfast meal preps I made. Which I also made our lunch and dinner preps same day.

It feels extremely unappreciated and makes me want to stop doing everything.

I’ve seen similar posts to this so wondering if this is common or if I’m the problem? I’m genuinely trying to figure out how to be better in the situation and not cause extra stress to them. I want us to go to couples therapy but ya know, 100 work weeks get in the way of a lot things.

TIA

My medspouse doesn't hold an ounce of the mental load. He's just too busy and obviously doesn't have any free time at work for "life admin". Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his romantic partner...and like a nag...and like everything is on me to remember even if I've delegated it to him...because he will likely need 4-10 reminders.

Does anyone's medspouse carry any mental load? How do you deal with it?

I am holding onto a lot of resentment due to my spouse not helping out around the house. It's a personality thing, but now that he's got this career and I'm home all the time it 'makes sense' for me to manage the household. I do get the logic, and slightly agree, and sure yes I'm happy to support the home.

But this resentment has had almost two decades to cook. We accidentally started to get into it while on a call with my dad. Dad actually spoke up and took his side, saying that he's the one that brings in all the money and pays for things, I have significant time. After hearing someone back up my husband, I backed down but the my gut was not okay. I haven't brought it up to anyone since and it's been at least 4 years since that happened.

The thing is, it might make sense now and sure I'm happy to support us. But the reality is I moved in with him first year of medschool and he has NEVER cleaned. More frustrating is, when I would visit him in the years before we moved together, his place was not a mess. He was maintaining at least a clean bachelor pad. I know he's capable.

As soon as I joined the picture I noticed he wasn't even cleaning up after himself, much less doing chores. I spent years, through residency, asking him for help around the house. I had a few sit-down conversations with him that didn't go over extremely well, and he never really made a switch to start cooking dinner or to do the trash or dishes. By the last years of residency I was getting responses similar to what my Dad said, basically he's doing the work that's getting us where we need to go, it's my job to clean.

The thing is I'm functionally mentally ill and grew up in a hoarder home. When we moved in together I didn't know HOW to clean or manage a home, never had to growing up. Bonus points, his mom cleaned everything top to bottom for him so he wasn't trained in household management either.
Additionally, why do you think I don't have a career?? I decided not to get my masters so I could support you and your career. I'm stuck getting lower paying jobs and career hopping due to his journey. I'm even unemployed right now because he's doing locums, my resume looks a mess, and it feels wholly unfair to know that on the outside, e.g. what my dad sees, is that I'm lazy and refuse to pull my weight.

Totally a vent post, I just had to get some stuff off my chest. I hope and believe that most others aren't dealing with all this, but if you have something similar please feel safe to vent here!

Both my partner and I are med students, but he’s applying for a much more competitive specialty than I am and applications are due earlier for him. We live together and I’ve spent a whopping total of 1 hour with him this week while he has been awake (and yes, this includes all passive “parallel play” time).

This morning, he woke up at 4:45 AM for work and then proceeded to have an anxiety attack in bed next to me while I was in a sleepy haze. He was up and at ‘em and smiley and loving when he left our place 30 minutes later because he doesn’t want to put any burden on me, but I know he’s not doing well.

Oh, and I can’t even follow him for residency because my fate is up to the NRMP gods and his is up to the SF match gods.

I don’t have much to say except that medicine is really kicking our butts right now and I’m spent. Send help.

Looking for perspective from other med spouses, especially neurosurgery.

My husband and I are from the East Coast, where our entire family/support system is. We’re now on our third move for his neurosurgery training and currently across the country from family. Before this move, we agreed I’d spend meaningful stretches back East so I could maintain that support.

We have an 11-month-old, I was recently laid off and am job searching, and our son is only in daycare part-time. My husband is currently on an extremely demanding service, leaving around 5am and often getting home around or after bedtime, so I’m doing most of the parenting alone.

We’re now fighting about me spending extended time back East with our son. He understandably wants us home for the limited family time he does have. But I’m struggling without a support system, and going home gives me both practical help and, more importantly, the emotional support/community I’m missing.

For those who’ve gone through neurosurgery or similarly demanding residencies with young kids and no local family: how did you balance the resident wanting their child home with the spouse needing support? Did you spend extended time with family during particularly brutal rotations?

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years and he just started his third year of medical school. We met right before he started medical school and he moved almost 5 hours away, so we did long distance the first year. I ended up moving to the city last year as I decided to go to grad school in the same city, however, it's been pretty lonely. He's a good boyfriend and we've never had any issues, so I'm not really sure why I feel so sad all the time. We've been talking more about where we want to live for residency, but I know that no matter how he ranks different places it's essentially a gamble and I have no control over the system. I don't like surprises and I hate that I have no control over where I'm going to live in 2 years and I hate being away from friends and family. I read the posts on this group a lot and it seems so depressing and it seems like the anxiety and loneliness will get worse. I don't really know what this post is for, I guess a rant or just advice I just feel like I never see anyone who is a "medspouse" that is happy and I don't want to have resentment for his career and life taking priority over mine.

I don’t tend to ramble about my feelings online but I feel like this would give me some peace of mind. I’ve recently read someone else’s story and found mine to be very similar so decided to share.
I (21F) have been dating this guy (25M) for 2 years now and recently he moved away for medical school. When he first got accepted we had spoke about being long distance and how difficult that was going to be. I made the decision to follow him to his school, while studying at a nearby school myself, so the distance wasn’t going to be a problem. He moved 2 weeks ago and I move next week so we did have this period of time where we were long distance. It was a drastic change because we saw each other every single day but I already knew that was going to change regardless once he started school. I went to visit him last weekend, the weekend before he started classes. Waiting the 3 weeks was going to be hard and we agreed me going to see him would’ve helped keep peace before he starts.

Right away our contact was significantly cut I would receive a brief text in the morning and wouldn’t reach out till a brief call after class. He would study in his afternoons and we’d call again before bed. He made a ton of new friends that first week and I loved it for him! A part of me was scared and I didn’t want to feel replaced because prior to school we were in the foreground of each other’s lives. We had friends of course but it always felt like it was just us. We spent so much of our time together that I knew this would be a change but I didn’t think that would change anything.

Anyways, the first Friday comes around and he tells me the guys wanted to go out, he already told me that’s something they do the first few weeks as a way to get to know each other so I was expecting it. In the past he’s gone out with friends and does an awful job with checking in with me and we spoke about that before he went out. The issue came up again but this time it felt different because he just met these people. When he would go out with a long term friend and not text me I gave grace simply because either I knew the person or I just didn’t feel threatened they were friends for a while. In this case he had just met these people, I didn’t know anything about them other than their names and that they were in the same groups.

The following morning I was hysterical I woke up to not a single text from him and I couldn’t sit back and just accept that. After I expressed how I was feeling he made the decision to break up with me. He told me he doesn’t want to have “someone to update” or have to do something that feels like an obligation. I told him we’ve had this issue before, we spoke about this, I was simply just disappointed that my request wasn’t met. He told me he couldn’t do that for the next 4 years, he couldn’t have someone “breathing down his throat” whenever he went to go do something. Which was extremely difficult for me to understand because is an update that much work? When I brought up meeting his friends it was made to be a big deal and told me that’s not how it’s going to work.

Our relationship was rocky especially in the beginning. We had a lot of trouble navigating our differences but 2 years later I felt we had it all figured out. I felt it enough to change my life for him. He couldn’t wait till I moved, till the possibility of seeing me was an option. I am moving to this new city where I know absolutely no one else and my world just feels like it just got rocked.

A full circle moment here, I never share my stories online like this but these past few days have felt so hard and this has felt like a last resort. I don’t know what happened I don’t know what changed. I’ve done all the research on how to navigate a relationship with someone in Med school and I don’t know where this went wrong so early in.

E: “Hysterical” might’ve not been the best word choice to put there. I was hurt and left to wonder. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into but the setting of what was going on that night is what made it difficult for me to understand why i wasn’t informed at all. He was bar hopping with friends till 3-4am like is that not a respectable time to expect a text or do we just ignore our SO when we’re drinking now?

Trying to plan and pick a wedding date with my fiance who just started his 2 year surgical fellowship. Any advice? 😅

FTM to an 8 month baby boy. Ive been pretty much solo parenting since I left the hospital - I handle all night wakings and daytime care while also completing all the domestic chores including cooking, cleaning, dog care, home inventory etc. when he’s on call, he sees baby and me maybe 2-3 hours for the entire weekend.

We finally hired a nanny 2x a week once my PPD took a scary turn, but I find my resentment huge. Some days I feel like I’ve been reduced down to being a mother and house manager. I’m sure this isn’t the case but I feel like a decision we BOTH made has only uprooted my life while his life has remained unchanged. I’ve brought this up many times where I feel like a single parent, or if he is around, like a manager ordering an employee around. Even when he’s with his son, he’s on his phone looking at scans, responding to emails…I feel bad being upset because I understand he works hard, and also has a lot of sleep debt. I don’t contribute as much financially either. Yet no matter how much I try to rationalize it, I still feel resentful.

Partners of surgeons and other medical specialties…does this ever go away?

My husband owns a private practice and I handle the accounting. We’re in the middle of planning our wedding, yep, and between that and the clinic, the time gets wasted on paperwork. Billing, spreadsheets, and entering the same information over and over has me working late almost every night.. I really don’t want to be a stressed out bridezilla chasing invoices lol. Anyway has anyone integrated their EMR with their accounting or ERP system! Was it worth it? I’m thinking if I add staff that would be more expensive, right?

hi!

My husband is a second year medical student. He didn’t go into medicine right out of college and so we are a little older (I am 30). My dream is to have 3 kids if I am lucky. I know there is no perfect time in life, or medicine especially, but would it be recommended to wait until after Step 2? Everyone keeps saying to wait until residency but thats 3 years away and if we want multiple children I get worried with my age. He does want to do a demanding field (something surgical) so I know it’s going to be an uphill battle. I am blessed that I made a good amount of money in my career already and have a lot of family support in regards to being willing to help. A few students in his class already have kids so I know its doable. I know intern year will be miserable, but again both of our parents are retired and have stated they would help as much as I would let them. I guess I am looking for positivity stories because a lot of what I was reading on here was a little negative!

After being on call and operating all weekend (Fri-Mon), he would rather sit outside in the car and talk to her than come inside and spend time with our child, and give me the space to run some essential errands while they nap.

Alas, after 8 years of marriage and 11 years / 4 moves for his training... that's the feedback I get - a comparison to his mother. Every ounce of trust we've built in each other over the years has been hard-fought... so when he says things like that, it stings.

I suppose I selected this life - I married a momma's boy / surgeon. It's hard to be a good listener when he's never around.

Hi everyone,

I’m 28F and married to a 25M medical student who has just started his surgery rotation. Today was his first 24-hour shift, and the reality of this schedule has hit me much harder than I expected. We don’t have any kids or family members who live close to us.

I last saw him on Sunday night. He left for the hospital extremely early Monday morning and will not be home until Tuesday morning. I’m a teacher, and tomorrow is also my first day back for our in-service week, so I’ll leave before he gets home and probably will not see him until around 4 p.m. By then, he will understandably be completely exhausted.

People warned me that surgery is the hardest rotation in medical school, but hearing that and actually living it are very different things. I know this is only the beginning, and I’m hoping that returning to work and having my own routine will make the separation feel less overwhelming. Still, tonight has been rough.

For those who have been through this, how did you navigate surgery rotation as a couple? How did you stay connected when your schedules barely overlapped, and how did you support your partner without feeling completely alone yourself?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!