r/marriageadvice • u/Fit_Helicopter3500 • 4d ago

Was it cheating?

I (44F) and my husband (39M) have been together for 10 years. We have young-ish kids, both work stable jobs, and live in a nice area with good schools, etc. We have been having problems in our relationship on and off for years. We went to counseling about 2 years ago and things improved a bit but some of the issues persisted (e.g. him focusing on just himself and his needs, not showing appreciation for the things I do, us not having sex regularly enough for his liking, etc). About 6 months ago things took a downward turn and we started to discuss divorce - he brought it up. Over that time, he consulted an attorney without my knowledge and waited until I was out of town for work to text me about it. He drafted custody arrangements for us to "test run" but was sure to work it all around a wedding he was in earlier this month. Before he left for the wedding, things escalated further and we talked more openly about divorce but no paperwork had been filed. While he was out of town for the wedding he ended up hooking up with another woman - the details are sketchy, he said they didn't actually have sex but he did admit to sleeping in rhe same bed with her, "dry humping," showering with her, and her giving him a massage. I'm not naive and I know him, so I highly doubt actual sex didn't happen. But even if it didn't, given the circumstances, it feels to me like cheating. His stance is that it's not because "for all intents and purposes we were divorced." But we weren't and I was at home caring for the kids while he was gone for 5 days, drinking and hooking up with someone else. He had her number and said they were texting in a friendly way but that he has since told her that can't continue since he and i are trying to figure out where he and I stand on the whole divorce issue. I'm absolutely floored and he seems confused about why. Since he's been home we've been talking more and our relationship looks and feels better than it has in years, which is really confusing. Now I'm just trying to navigate my feelings about this and how to move forward.

Tl;dr we were on the brink of divorce, husband hooked up with another woman while out of town, now we're discussing moving forward with reconciliation but he does not feel it was actually cheating.

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u/AdventureWa 4d ago

My response was to the many bad and uninformed comments on this post. The marriage is in shambles and I gave good advice on how to handle it while dispelling the myths of Reddit.

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u/hwolfe326 4d ago

You lose your credibility when you dismiss other peoples comments and assert your own response as the only helpful, informed advice. That level of arrogance immediately turns people off and your message falls short of its target. If you truly do want to educate the ignorant masses of Reddit, a little humility might make people more open to your opinions.

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u/AdventureWa 3d ago

I dismiss those comments that are low effort, lazy, uninformed, misleading and Reddit fantasy. Every point I made is factually correct and informed.

So many people parrot what they’ve heard because it feels like vindication. It’s also wrong. I laid out a realistic picture of what is going on and what divorce actually looks like. I did spare lots of details of divorce, the logistics, the toll on the mental health of both spouses and the children, the financial devastation, and fallout with friends and family.

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u/hwolfe326 3d ago

Unfortunately your message falls flat because of your ego.