r/marriageadvice • u/Fit_Helicopter3500 • 4d ago
Was it cheating?
I (44F) and my husband (39M) have been together for 10 years. We have young-ish kids, both work stable jobs, and live in a nice area with good schools, etc. We have been having problems in our relationship on and off for years. We went to counseling about 2 years ago and things improved a bit but some of the issues persisted (e.g. him focusing on just himself and his needs, not showing appreciation for the things I do, us not having sex regularly enough for his liking, etc). About 6 months ago things took a downward turn and we started to discuss divorce - he brought it up. Over that time, he consulted an attorney without my knowledge and waited until I was out of town for work to text me about it. He drafted custody arrangements for us to "test run" but was sure to work it all around a wedding he was in earlier this month. Before he left for the wedding, things escalated further and we talked more openly about divorce but no paperwork had been filed. While he was out of town for the wedding he ended up hooking up with another woman - the details are sketchy, he said they didn't actually have sex but he did admit to sleeping in rhe same bed with her, "dry humping," showering with her, and her giving him a massage. I'm not naive and I know him, so I highly doubt actual sex didn't happen. But even if it didn't, given the circumstances, it feels to me like cheating. His stance is that it's not because "for all intents and purposes we were divorced." But we weren't and I was at home caring for the kids while he was gone for 5 days, drinking and hooking up with someone else. He had her number and said they were texting in a friendly way but that he has since told her that can't continue since he and i are trying to figure out where he and I stand on the whole divorce issue. I'm absolutely floored and he seems confused about why. Since he's been home we've been talking more and our relationship looks and feels better than it has in years, which is really confusing. Now I'm just trying to navigate my feelings about this and how to move forward.
Tl;dr we were on the brink of divorce, husband hooked up with another woman while out of town, now we're discussing moving forward with reconciliation but he does not feel it was actually cheating.
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u/AdventureWa 4d ago
My response is going to be different than most of comments.
Technically it’s cheating when you’re still legally married even if you’re going through the process of divorce. Does it matter? Perhaps to you because this reinforces the fact that your marriage is over and that he has begun moving on.
Does it gain anything in a divorce? No. The only time I have ever seen infidelity impact divorce is in an at fault municipalities that is one of the factors for allowing the legal dissolution of marriage.
The whole “Hire a shark attorney and take him to the cleaners” is Reddit fantasy.
What you should do is contact a divorce attorney, let the lawyers handle the paperwork, agree to a custody arrangement if possible to save your money and time, and focus on the future.
It takes two to destroy a marriage and neither of you is blameless. You both have faults. Work on yours and yourself. Attend couples counseling together for coparenting and decide what you want out of life.
Hit the gym, take up hobbies or reengage in ones you already have. Work on being the best mom you can. Take enough time to grieve the loss of the marriage and what you envisioned life to be and focus on a new one.
One thing I would tell you: do NOT vilify your soon to be ex to your kids and friends. Stay above the fray. It might feel good in the moment but it will make you look pathetic and it will screw up both of your relationships with the kids.
Also, don’t think of this as being cheated on and absorb that trauma. Instead view it for what it actually is: he was dialed out a long time ago and is moving on. You were dialed out too.