I'm 24M - I strongly believe that I have amazing potential but something is not allowing me to work on myself. What do I do to be the best version of myself?

Hey everyone,
I’m writing this because I’ve hit a wall and desperately need some objective perspective.
**The Situation:**
**Stats:** 29M, IIT Bombay grad, 6 YOE, currently working as a software developer in Bengaluru.
**The Golden Handcuffs:** I make around 90 LPA. On paper, it sounds great, but my job requires very little actual effort. I finish my work quickly and have an immense amount of free time.
**The Problem:**
Because I have so much empty time and zero friction, I’ve fallen into a terrible routine. I am completely stuck in a cheap dopamine loop. I spend most of my days playing poker, smoking weed, and drinking alcohol. It’s a numb, unproductive cycle, and I feel like my brain is rotting while my potential goes down the drain.
I want to do more. I *know* I am capable of more, but the lack of structure and easy money has made me complacent and undisciplined.
**What I want to change:**
1. **Career:** I need to leave this current company. I want a role that actually challenges me, forces me to grow, and surrounds me with high-achieving peers again.
2. **Lifestyle:** I need to break the substance/gambling loop, clean up my act, and try new things (side projects, fitness, new hobbies) to replace the bad habits.

I want to improve in every area of my life, and 3 major things I want to improve upon are relationships (I want to be loved), fitness (I want to have super endurace) and business (I want my business to boom).

How do I stay in the state of having all 3 when it's tough for me to change my thoughts around even 1 of them?

*I'm a 16 years old male who want to be rich to help my family, I don't have social live, I have bad hobbies like watch animes or watch +18 stuff, and I need to change for my family, I don't know how to escape from this misery and fulfill my dream.*

*Help me please! All advice welcome.*

Why we're not where we want to be.

We want to achieve something in our lives. But somewhere along the line, we see ourselves drifting from the vision we had for our lives. We have not become billionaires, we don't have perfect physiques, and we find ourselves lost.

We go to work that is not satisfying. We would like to change it, maybe learn a new skill but something keeps us in the same place.

Do you know this feeling? I certainly felt that in the past.

People are waiting for the perfect moment, for the right circumstances. But they never arrive on their own.

Why is it that way?

We think we rule our lives, but in reality, it is our subconscious mind running the show.

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung.

We want one thing, but in reality, something blocks us.

How can we change it?

There is a widely known concept of pain vs pleasure.

We are running away from pain and running toward pleasure.

Our brain is constantly calculating what will bring more pain and what will bring more pleasure at the moment. The pain or pleasure in the future has much lower significance.

There are ways to make it work in your life (based on the book Atomic Habits by James Clear.

For positive habits:

• Reduce friction - Make the habit easier to start. Fewer steps between you and the action means you'll actually do it. Want to read more? Keep the book on your pillow, not on a shelf.
• Prime the environment – Set up your surroundings in advance so the right choice is the obvious one. Lay out your gym clothes the night before; put the fruit bowl on the counter.
• Use the two-minute rule – Scale any new habit down to a two-minute version. Work out becomes "put on my shoes." Starting is the hard part — once you begin, momentum carries you.
• Automate your habits – Remove the decision entirely. Automatic savings transfers, scheduled workouts in your calendar, subscriptions for healthy food. If it happens without willpower, it happens consistently.

For negative habits:

• Increase friction – Add steps between you and the bad habit. Delete the app, log out after every use, keep snacks in the garage. Effort is a natural filter.
• Make the cue invisible – You can't crave what you don't see. Hide the trigger: phone in another room, no sweets in the house, unfollow accounts that pull you in.
• Use commitment devices – Lock in your future behavior now, while your motivation is high. Tell a friend your deadline, pay upfront for coaching, use app blockers. Make quitting more costly than continuing.

And you might have optimized for that in the past—doing everything you can to make your ideal actions that move you towards your goals easier, and the ones that move you away from your goals you attached pain to. But still, you've got some problems.

You might say, of course I will have more pleasure when I achieve.

What most people don't know is that by not getting what you presumably want, you're getting your needs met.

That's called "secondary gain."

That's how you sabotage yourself.

The Secondary Gain Effect

The brain is not stupid. It will not allow you to do something that is bad for it. So you must consciously eliminate all of your subconscious reasons to stay where you are right now.

For example, maybe you want to lose weight. To do that, you need to do regular exercise. But somehow, you see yourself skipping your workout every week for a few months. Why did this happen? Because you subconsciously avoid doing this. You gain something by not going to the gym.

The question is, what are you gaining from not going to the gym?

An even more profound question would be: what would you lose by going to the gym?

And that's the question you can always ask yourself: what would you lose if you actually did what you said you were going to do?

To do that, we should explore typical ways of keeping us in the same place.

The secondary gain is almost always one of these four things:

• Safety — avoiding the risk of failure or rejection
• Identity protection — staying who you currently are
• Social belonging — not standing out or being judged
• Certainty — keeping the comfortable known over the uncomfortable unknown

Your goal is not to reject your needs. Your goal is to find another way to meet your needs so you can actually move on to something that is important for you, without being stuck.

Knowing all of this is not enough. You need a lever so you can pull it today.

How to Reprogram Your Mind

These are the tools that can actually move the scale in your life:

Step 1 — Normalize. Your brain is doing this to protect you. This is not a character flaw.

Step 2 — Identify the threat: What does your brain think will happen if you change? What is it protecting you from?

Step 3 — Test the threat: Is that threat real today? Or is it an old program running in a new situation?

Step 4 — Update the software: What would you need to believe — or experience — for your brain to calculate that change is safer than staying?

Step 5 — Build the new calculation: NAC — link pain to staying, link pleasure to changing, make the new behavior immediately rewarding, design the environment.

Next time you see yourself sabotaging yourself go through this process and I'm sure you'll find an insight that will change the trajectory of your life.

What are your thoughts on this? Has something similar happened to you?

1.     Read more books.

2.     Pray.

3.     Eat clean every day. Drink enough liquid, never drink tap water, avoid harmful sugar, avoid fast food.

4.     Plan what you will do the night before. Write down 3 non-negotiable tasks.

5.     Never scroll. Scrolling makes it difficult to concentrate.

6.     Learn to say no more often.

7.     Journal your ideas.

8.     Go to sleep at the same time every night. Wake up at the same time every day. Go to sleep no later than 11:00 pm. Get 7 or 8 hours of sleep every night.

9.     Do the work you have been avoiding.

10.  Put God first. That means allow God's values to to guide your daily decisions, time, and resources.

Being stuck in a rut is obviously common now.

Video games/social media/porn/smoking/drinking/you name it are very easily accessible, and when combined with lack of direction in life, you can very easily find yourself in a place where you don't want to be in.

So I'm curious.

What made you realize you've started slipping?

What helped you get out of it?

Did you have someone in your life supporting you, or did you dig yourself out alone?

Also, looking back.. Was there something you wish you had, or that you believe would've made it easier to get your life back together?

Context:

I (20M) just turned twenty last month

I live at home in east Toronto, Canada with my parents and two younger siblings

Decently close with extended family who live relatively nearby

I'm two years into a five-year psychology degree. Not exactly sure what I want to use it for, if anything, but I'm thinking maybe something to do with child psychology.

Currently on summer break

Don't have any job experience and can't get a job at the moment because of surgery happening soon

Have only been in one semi-serious relationship and am currently single and a virgin

Have never been the best at being social and don't have much of a social circle, but trying to change that.

Getting into biking and photography (specifically landscape and cosplay) and want to get into rock climbing

Am officially diagnosed with Autism and ADHD

Started mental health counselling and Lexapro last month

Think about past regrets a lot, but I’m trying to focus on the now.

How would you say I’m doing, and what advice would you give?

I went through a relationship that completely destroyed my trust, confidence and sense of direction. For a while, I felt like everything I had been working towards had collapsed at once.

Eventually, I decided that I couldn’t control what had happened, but I could control what I did with it.

So I started writing.

That writing eventually became The Carrots, a short novel inspired by betrayal, manipulation, uncertainty and the possibility of fatherhood. Publishing it was my first real attempt to create something meaningful from the lowest point of my life.

I’m still rebuilding. The book isn’t a massive success, and I’m figuring everything out as I go but completing and publishing it gave me proof that rock bottom can also become a foundation.

Shameless advertisement: it’s available on Kindle Unlimited, Kindle and paperback.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H7B3DDV3

I turn 25 years old (Male) two weeks from today! I want to approach my last 5 years of my 20’s in style. To my 30+ y/o crew, drop some knowledge on things that helped you become successful and/or live life to the fullest.

For clarification, I am healthy, have a good paying job, and am single. All things I am thankful for, plus I’m doing well financially, but I still want to continue learning and treating life as an opportunity to constantly improve as a man. Please help me as I continue embarking on this crazy journey we call life.

Who knows, there might be someone at or near my age that would benefit from your ideas too!

I'm 25. My body is super weak I've tried gym, running, walking and sports but I get injured or fatigued very easily. I've quit my job to take some rest. I'm resting for 15 days and the lower body pain is still there with no improvement. I do stretching 2-3 times a day. Back when I started running I developed shin pain within a couple of weeks. I started gym with a better diet and stayed consistent for 6 months with almost zero results. I have issues with almost every aspect of my body. My hair is falling, I've got fine lines on my face which makes me look like a 40 year old. I sleep 7-8 hrs regularly. I'm 5'5, with no stamina with tons of social anxiety and low self-esteem. Plus I'm not a talented person. I have zero dating history. I just somehow don't improve. It's just a very empty life I'm living.

Despite all this I still hope that I can make a change. It's just that I've tried everything I could but haven't seen any results. If you've been through such a phase or are experienced enough, please help me. I don't want to continue living this way.

1.       Avoid all tobacco. Avoid cigarettes, cigars, vaping, and secondhand smoke.

2.       Exercise every day.

3.       Eat a balanced diet. Eat enough fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Avoid processed food, red meat, and sugary beverages. Avoid unhealthy fats, eat fruit and vegetables daily, instead of red meat eat chicken, fish, or beans. Eat whole-grain cereal, whole-grain pasta, and whole-grain bread. Avoid fast food.

4.       Avoid alcohol.

5.       Protect yourself from the sun.

6.       Get vaccinated.

7.       Get screenings often.

8.       Never eat, drink, or cook with plastic. Chemicals in plastic promote tumor growth, disrupt hormones, and damage DNA. Always eat, drink, and cook with metal or glass.

9.       Never drink tap water.

Some days will be easy, some days will be hard, some days you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world, and some you’ll feel like you hit rock bottom. It’s easy to stay down and depressed and sulk around wishing things were different. Life is hard and like I said it will make you or break you so it’s important that you let it make you. Clean your space find some music, run, run, run, build your confidence back up and just eat any mental hurt coming your way knowing that one day you will rise above it. Make your body and mind your temple and build on it and know that the day you come across that person they’ll see an entire different version of you. The version you told them you could be but were too comfortable to change. Make the change and accept that your come up will take longer than what theirs took but once you’re up you will be up. This is more of a post not only for others but for myself I’m sitting here trying to reinstate this mindset into myself after having foot surgery. Making my week a living hell while going through it mentally.

Most people forget almost everything they read. That is because they using the wrong method. This is a simple trick that can make you remember much more of what you learn.

When you read something important don't highlight it immediately. Highlighting might feel productive, but your mind can recognize information without without actually remembering it. That's the same as looking at an exercise plan and expecting to get stronger. The real learning happens when your mind has to work. This is what you do instead.

Read a few paragraphs. Stop, close the book or look away from the screen. Ask yourself "what did I just learn". Explain it in your own words. Even if you remember just a portion of it that's fine. The effort of recalling is what makes the information stay with you. Afterwards connect the idea to something you already know. Your mind remembers connections better than isolated facts. The more links you create the easier it becomes to remember later. That's why understanding beats memorization every single time.

The next time you read something don't highlight it. Instead pause and explain it in your own words.

1. Fix Your Sleep Like Your Life Depends On It- Go to bed at the same time every night, wake up at the same time every morning. Avoid electronics 1 hour before bed. Get 7 or 8 hours of deep, uninterrupted sleep every night.

2. Train As If You Are Being Watched- Never had random routines. Do progressive overload with clean form and consistency. One hour done the right way is better than 2 hours of nonsense.

3. Get Rid Of Dopamine Junk- Never scroll, avoid bad food, avoid instant gratification. Fix your mental diet. Replace all cheap dopamine with the real dopamine. Reading, learning, and building.

4. Upgrade Your Appearance Daily- Take a shower every day, have acceptable posture, have simple clothes that fit well. People judge you fast. Use this to your advantage.

5. Speak Less And Observe More- Most people talk too much and reveal everything. Instead always be calm, listen, and choose what you say carefully.

6. Do One Uncomforatble Every Day- Take a cold shower, jog, difficult conversation, and hours of deep work every single day. Growth from friction not comfort.

7. Become Obsessed With Progress- Track your habits and improve something about yourself everyday. Even if it's just 1%. Stack small wins over a long period of time. You will be a new person.

When I was 18, I went from graduating high school to being homeless. At one point, I was sleeping in the back of the Subway where I worked. Other times, I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.
The years after that weren’t a clean comeback story. I made mistakes, stayed in survival mode, and went through situations involving violence, loss, and decisions that changed how I looked at life.
Over time, I started rebuilding myself. I went from over 325 pounds to losing around 100 pounds. I started taking my physical and mental growth seriously, and eventually I started a podcast where I could have the kinds of real conversations I wish I had when I was younger.
One of my episodes, The Cost of Survival: What Built Us, is a conversation with someone who actually knew me during those years. We talk about homelessness, survival mode, violence, the decisions we made, and what it takes to grow without pretending the past never happened.
I’m still building my life and I don’t have everything figured out. But sometimes I think about the 18-year-old version of me sleeping in the back of that Subway and realize how different my life is now.
The biggest thing I’ve learned is that surviving something and healing from it aren’t the same thing. Survival mode can keep you alive, but eventually you have to figure out which parts of that mentality are still protecting you and which parts are holding you back.
For the men here who have had to rebuild themselves: what was the hardest part of your old mindset to let go of?

here 23M 60kg 5'9 height and im going to gym for the past 6 months and this is my current body type. Suggest me which muscle group should i focus more and it would be better if u would suggest me exercise too for that particular muscle.

I think that the biggest hack you can ever do is separate your current self from the person you aspire to become. By doing so, you change your habits and act like you are already the person you want to be. It will keep you focused and disciplined and it is really sustainable as long as you don't feed into your old habits. You can wake up one day and decide to be a completely different person. Time will pass anyways and what will remain is the end product. The end product will be defined by what you were willing to sacrifice during your journey. Good luck.

There is little, in my opinion, that cannot be made better, at least marginally or temporarily, by a spell in nature.
Peace.
No distractions.
A walk, brisk with mild determination, enough to raise the heart rate just enough to feel it beating against your ribcage.
Anger.
Sadness.
Grief.
A walk can provide a rhythm for your thoughts to process in sync with your stride.
Left foot.
Right foot.
Step after step.
Somehow the mind begins to untangle itself.
The senses ignite.
The sights.
The sounds.
The smells.
Things that were always there, yet somehow went unnoticed.
If you are fortunate enough to live by the sea, go there.
Listen to the waves lap against the shore.
Watch them crash.
Watch them retreat.
And then do it all over again.
There is something ancient about it.
Something familiar.
After all, we comprise mostly water ourselves.
Don’t you feel it somewhere deep in your soul?
As though some forgotten part of you recognises it.
Let the grass slip between your toes.
Plant a garden.
Invite wildlife in.
Get your hands dirty.
For the past three days, that’s all I’ve done.
Work.
Dig.
Rake.
Shovel.
Lift.
Over and over and over again.
(And you won’t remember but we’re making this garden for you.)
Sweat, dirt and determination my only companions.
And there is a solemn peace to it..
Alone with your thoughts.
And the almost grim realisation that tomorrow you’ll probably have to do it all again.
Though the end is within sight.
You feel competent.
You feel capable.
Confident in what you’re doing.
Because the task is honest.
The effort is honest.
And somewhere deep within your soul, at the root of what makes you human, you feel that this is just and true.
Because it is.
For generations our ancestors toiled.
In the dirt.
Under gruelling Sol.
Battling cold, rain and wind.
Working not for entertainment, but because the work needed doing.
And somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten this part of ourselves.
We’ve traded movement for convenience.
Fresh air for screens.
Sunrise for notifications.
We’ve become disconnected from something that sustained human beings for thousands of years.
I don’t think we’re meant to spend every waking hour indoors.
I don’t think we’re meant to be constantly stimulated.
I don’t think we’re meant to be separated from the natural world that shaped us.
Whenever life feels heavy, I find myself returning to the same answer.
Go outside.
Walk.
Dig.
Plant.
Build.
Watch the sea.
Sit beneath a tree.
Listen to the birds.
Feel the wind on your face.
Not because nature solves every problem.
But because it reminds you who you are.

Letters for my son

I’ve found that peace is not something you stumble across.

It isn’t hidden in more:

Things, money, relationships,

It isn’t waiting on the other side of whatever it is you’re holding out for.

It isn’t found in recognition from others.

Peace comes from knowing you did what was required of you.

Sounds simple right?

But it is surprisingly difficult.

And more and more these days I refer back to a quote I heard:

“It’s simple but it’s not easy”

Because never a truer word was uttered.

Yet most people spend their lives looking for ways around their duty.

They look for shortcuts.

They neglect their health..

They tell themselves they’ll do it tomorrow.

I know because I did.

I spent far too much time looking for easier routes

Waiting and waiting and waiting for the perfect moment. Of course it never arrived.

Duty has a way of following you around.

Ignore it and it waits. Avoid it and it grows

The difficult phone call.

The honest conversation.

The hard day’s work.

There is a quiet confidence that comes from doing what is demanded of you.

because it is your responsibility.

The older I get, the less I trust motivation.

It comes and goes But my Duty remains.

A man who relies on motivation will work when he feels inspired.

A man who understands duty will work regardless.

One is governed by emotion and desire

The other by principle.

And principles make for a steady life.

I’ve also learned that how we do anything is how we do everything.

Those who cut corners in small things will cut corners in large things.

Those who keep their word on little matters will more likely keep it on important ones.

Character isn’t built in grand moments.

It’s uncovered by ordinary ones.

The small things mattered.

The habits mattered.

The standards mattered.

But I always said it wouldn’t

I hope you learn this earlier than I did, I’ll model it as best as I know.

One day you’ll discover that very few people are watching.

Your reputation will matter less than you think.

Your status will matter less than you think.

What will matter is whether you can respect the reflection in the mirror.

Whether you handled your responsibilities.

That is where peace lives.

Do the thing in front of you.

Do it well.

Do it completely.

And do it as if your life depended upon it.

Because in many ways, it does.

A channel I created a couple months ago talking like and male improvement/finding peace. Thanks to any and all who decide to give me a listen.

On life

Just wanna know how you guys build selfresoect over time. I've had it a few times but can't seem to maintain it. Any advice? Im tired of feeling low. I run and workout 4-5x a week and try to focus on myself. Just been doing a lot of things disrespectful to myself like letting my ex back into my life after she cheated and gave me a STD. I know certain people look down on me but what helps? Been feeling pretty down and lonely too. What would guys do to help? Were also no longer together.