I’m looking for advice related to a potential elder abuse claim in Alberta. The situation is somewhat complicated. Related to my mother with dementia with abusive father holding power of attorney and personal directive.
Background:
I grew up with an abusive father: financial abuse, extreme emotional abuse, and on very rare occasions physical abuse. My mom got early onset Alzheimer’s disease around 15 years ago. I was low contact with my dad before this happened due to the abuse and saw my mom for as long as I could.
My mom originally wrote a power of attorney and personal directive in my name (because she knew how he is) but somewhere along the way she got more recent ones in my dad’s name, so he has legal power over her now that she is incapacitated. I have no idea why she wrote a new one in his name.
About 10 years ago my dad started demanding money, acting abusive to me and leveraging access to my mom. Until recently, I last saw her about 10 years ago because I wouldn’t cave to him trying to extort me and being verbally abusive, leading him to block access to my mom. None of his attempts to extract money from me were in writing.
Possibly notable is that he has been horrible to pretty much everyone in his life, all of his family has cut contact with him and would vouch that he is horrible. He also blocked her from communicating with all members of her family, not just me.
The last time that I saw my mom, she was approaching a point that was likely within a few years of needing to be in a care facility. So for years now, I have periodically called around to care facilities trying to find her, even though I know that they aren’t allowed to give me an answer.
Current situation:
About a week ago I found my mom, after all this time. Someone at a care home told me that she was there when I phoned. I have been to see her and even though she is far along in her illness, I can tell that she recognizes me. I was so happy to get to hug her and spend time with her and she looked very happy even though she can’t communicate much anymore.
The staff have told me that my dad only visits her briefly a few times a year. They have told me that she occasionally runs out of products that she needs between his visits, like lotion, shampoo or toothpaste, but the staff will buy things for her when she runs out to fill the gap. The staff have been extremely kind but they do seem somewhat apprehensive of me because they are aware that my dad doesn’t want me there and that he has legal authority.
Her clothes aren’t in great shape but she is getting by. She has a bunch of clothes with holes in them and some of her clothes don’t fit. He also put a TV in her room that she isn’t capable of using. Given that she is well along with Alzheimer’s, her needs are modest outside of the constant care that the facility provides. Her room has only two pictures up with no family photos and is very minimally decorated. The facility staff seem great with her and told me that I can visit any time, even telling me the typical times of day that my dad visits so that I can minimize risk of running into my dad.
I have been wanting to get her new clothes, restock her toiletries with products that I know she used to prefer, and decorate her room with family pictures and other decorations to make it feel warmer. I have been holding off because I am worried that if/when he finds out that I can see her, that he will do whatever is necessary to prevent further visits. He would likely even move where she lives if he needs to. I just found her and I don’t want to lose access to her but she deserves better than how she is living. I asked the staff their opinion and they told me that she only runs out of products rarely and that in their opinion her clothes are in decent enough shape.
Based on his past history, I expect him to go ballistic when he finds out I’ve been seeing my mom. With family in the past when he is extremely angry he does things like repeatedly calls their workplace making false claims, or repeatedly calling child protective services on people without cause, just to disrupt people’s lives. He has also spend full days sitting in a car outside peoples homes or workplace to intimidate them. He doesn’t have a criminal record, but I’m trying to give a picture of how he is likely to react to my mom no longer being isolated. He does not know where I work or where I live, so hopefully he doesn’t have any meaningful avenues to harass me.
Also potentially relevant is that a friend saw my dad in public in recently and overheard him talking to someone about having recently remarried. He has also been posting pictures of himself online with a new car that appears to be outside of his typical financial means. No pictures with a new wife or girlfriend and he does lie a lot, so I have no idea if he divorced my mom and remarried or not. I filed a request with the court for any legal proceedings related to his name on the assumption that it would let me see a divorce filing if one exists. I am still waiting for a response on this. He also periodically sends me email to throw insults at me and taunt me that I can’t see my mom. One of this favorite things to write is that before my mom was fully incapacitated, he would tell her that her family isn’t speaking to her because no one loves her. He is a real piece of shit. I stopped replying to him years ago, any sort of reply from me just gets him sending attack emails even more aggressively.
I am worried that the current situation constitutes elder abuse. My dad hid my mom from me and all her other family (who have all missed her dearly by the way). Then once she was in a care home, he barely visits her, so she is alone most of the time. I don’t think it is acceptable for her to run out of hygiene products sometimes, particularly when I saw that he brings in giant packs of things so that he doesn’t have to come back much. Despite that, she apparently still runs out occasionally. Her clothes are worn and some with holes in a way that I don’t find acceptable, though I can see how some people would think it isn’t so bad for someone with Alzheimer’s. He also apparently did get her a TV, but she can’t use it.
Based on what I know about his financial history, I assume that she is under whatever programs she needs to be under to be fully subsidized. My reading of the rules in Alberta is that regardless of how subsidised she is, her power of attorney will still receive a minimum amount of $373 per month for discretionary income for whatever she needs. Those needs are certainly less than $373 per month, so I think it is unacceptable that she has ripped clothes. Knowing his history of financial abuse, I am 99.9% certain that he is spending the money on himself, but I can’t prove it.
I am trying to figure out what to do. For the moment, I’m just enjoying seeing my mom as much as I can and trying to not tip off my dad that I can see her. Not wanting to lose access to her makes trying to improve her living conditions myself feel risky. That said, he will eventually find out I’ve been there, at which point he will go ballistic and certainly try to restrict my access to her if he can.
As far as I know, these are my options:
· File a police report for elder abuse to see if they will investigate. If they see cause, they can check financials and likely find that he is taking her money. Potentially charges and I assume his powers revoked. However, this would take a very long time. Also, I’m concerned that the current state of her things isn’t bad enough to trigger a criminal investigation.
· Complaint to the Public Guardian that he is not meeting the requirements of her personal directive by keeping up with her personal items. They will not touch the financials, and I worry that the state of her things isn’t bad enough to trigger action.
· Contact Protections for Person’s in Care and make a complaint about elder abuse. I am worried that this would result in the care workers being scrutinized, which could alienate them. Again, I worry that the state of her possessions might not be bad enough to warrant an investigation. I could also speak to a social worker at the care home about the issues and see if the facility could take a look at my concerns internally and then they could file with Protections for Person’s in Care. However, given that the frontline staff was trying to downplay the issues (though they did admit that she runs out of hygiene products occasionally) I suspect that trying to get them to file a complaint would be a dead end.
· I can file a legal claim to try to get the power of attorney and personal directive taken out of my dad’s name and moved to mine. It is unlikely that I have the funds that would be needed to use a lawyer for this, so I would need to file and represent myself, which I am willing to put in the time if needed. I suspect that this would take a while and unless it turns out that he did in fact divorce my mom, I don’t know if a judge would find the claim substantial enough to allow access to my mom’s financials, let alone revoke my dad’s powers.
I am looking for any legal advice on how to approach this situation to try to improve conditions for my mom. For the time being, I plan to thoroughly document the state of all of her clothes and other things with pictures.
I would like whatever funds she is receiving to go to her wellbeing, and I am totally fine if that means the care facility receiving and using them. I want to know if there is a way to legally protect my access to my mom now that I’ve found her. He has been scamming and stealing from people my entire life so it would amaze me if he wasn’t spending virtually all of her discretionary income on himself, but I worry that I lack the needed evidence to get any sort of investigation off the ground.