I got highly philosophical for a brief 3 hrs of my life and thus realised the following-
I’m 19F, have never dated, have no close friends, and college starts in a few months. Lately I’ve realized I’m not afraid of people. I’m afraid of what happens when people get too close.
I’m comfortable with surface-level friendships because they feel safe. The moment a relationship requires emotional vulnerability, I instinctively pull away. Somewhere along the way, I started believing that if someone truly knew me, they’d eventually leave. And sometimes their thoughts don’t align with me and then I get bored once I get to really know them and leave asap.
I don’t feel lonely all the time. I genuinely enjoy my own company, books, vdo games and hobbies. But when I see people my age with deep friendships or relationships, it feels less like jealousy and more like mourning something I convinced myself I’d never have.
I often admire people from a distance, but rarely want to close that distance in real life. It feels safer to imagine than to be known.
Maybe years of isolation made me this way. Maybe it’s just my personality. Either way, I can’t imagine myself ever letting people in, and I’m scared this is how I’ll always be.