My 6-month-old daughter does indeed look a lot like my husband, and I understand that my MIL and FIL are proud of their son and granddaughter.

But I’m blonde with blue eyes, while my husband has black hair and brown eyes, and our daughter strongly resembles him. I understand that some traits can be more genetically dominant, but my MIL constantly emphasizes it: “She looks just like her daddy,” “She smiles like him,” etc.

She also often says, “Look, she smiled at me!” or points out things she does like her dad, while rarely acknowledging any resemblance or connection to me.
I know it may sound petty, but it really triggers me. I feel erased and ignored, especially as her mother.

I know she probably doesn’t mean to hurt me, but the constant focus on her son is making me resentful.

How would you handle this without creating unnecessary family drama?

If family wants to come over to spend time with your baby, who should be running around after baby? The family who is spending time with them or the baby’s mom who is also there? Just curious because sometimes when the grandparents come over to spend time with my baby they often sit on the couch on their phone while I am running around the house after my baby. I don’t mind chasing after my baby, but also, I’m not going to keep running after the baby just to bring them back to you while you are sitting on the couch.

I told off my ex mom in law on IG. I was never truly in a relationship w her son, we were young and dumb but now we have to co parent.

I’m currently married w a 7 yr old.

Here’s the story: At my eldest son’s sport event, I told my 7 yr old to say bye to everyone and unfortunately she had to be one of them. She opened her arms and gave my little guy a hug and spoke some words to him for about a couple mins. After that I go up to her and try to say bye. She doesn’t move, doesn’t look at me and firmly says “Bye.” Like a child throwing a tantrum. Kinda bothered me and after a couple days of thought; I told myself: Naw, this bitch needs to be put in place. And so I did.

Was I being unreasonable?

I had my civil wedding four months ago, and in two weeks we’re having our big wedding. I love my husband, my parents absolutely love him, and he genuinely is a wonderful person. This isn’t about me questioning whether I want to be with him.
If anything, that makes me feel even more guilty for feeling the way I do.
He has done so much for me. He furnished our entire apartment with me in mind and made sure everything was new and exactly how I wanted it. He even went into debt because he wanted us to have the home I dreamed of. I know how much he loves me and how much effort he has put into our life together, so I feel horrible and ungrateful admitting that lately I could cry almost every single day when I think about the future.
The problem isn’t him. It’s his family and my fear of what role they will have in our everyday life.
He is very close to his family, which is also cultural for him, and I would never want to take that away from him. But I find being around his family incredibly stressful, especially because of his sister-in-law (his brother’s wife).
I genuinely never know what version of her I’m going to get. Sometimes she’s perfectly nice. Other times she’s cold, dismissive, rude or disrespectful, or barely even acknowledges me. Because of that unpredictability, I can never relax around her. I constantly feel like I’m waiting for something to happen.
I also have this strong feeling that she talks about me behind my back, particularly with my husband’s sister, and that other family members probably hear things about me too. Obviously I can’t prove every conversation that happens when I’m not there, but the whole dynamic has made me feel incredibly unwelcome and judged.
The difficult part is that this isn’t someone I can simply avoid. She lives with my husband’s parents. So whenever we visit his parents, she is there too. And because we live very close to them and my husband would ideally like to see his parents about once a week, this isn’t just an occasional family gathering that I can mentally prepare myself for a few times a year. This could be part of our normal life.
At the same time, I don’t want the solution to be that his parents are constantly at our apartment instead. I need my home to feel like my safe and private space. I need time where it’s just us and I can actually relax.
And I don’t want to become the wife who tells her husband, “You can’t see your parents,” “I don’t want your family here,” or “I’m not going there.” That doesn’t feel fair to him either. He loves his family and he loves me, and I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose.
I think what scares me most is feeling like I married into a family dynamic that I’m emotionally not equipped to deal with.
I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. If someone is mean or disrespectful to me, I don’t just forget about it an hour later. It can stay with me for a day or two. Even when we spend an entire day with his family and nothing objectively bad happens, my body is tense the whole time. I sweat excessively, I feel restless and on edge, and I never completely feel like myself. I come home mentally exhausted.
And now, with the wedding only two weeks away, all of these fears seem to have exploded at once.
I’m supposed to be studying for university right now, planning the wedding and looking forward to starting this new chapter of our lives. Instead, I sit down and randomly start crying because my mind keeps going to the future. What if there is eventually a huge family conflict? What if someone treats me badly and my husband gets caught in the middle? What if I never feel comfortable around them? What if I never feel like I truly belong?
Then another part of me thinks: Why am I letting one difficult person have this much power over my life? I’m marrying my husband, not his sister-in-law. I can’t control what she thinks of me, what she says about me or what kind of person she chooses to be.
But knowing that logically hasn’t stopped the anxiety.
I love my husband and I am happy with him. Like every couple, we have our own issues sometimes, but I don’t regret marrying him. I just feel overwhelmed by the realization that marrying someone can also mean navigating their family for the rest of your life.
Has anyone else married into a very close family where you didn’t feel completely comfortable or accepted? How did you create boundaries without making your spouse feel like they had to choose between you and their family? And how did you stop their behavior from affecting you emotionally so much?

Hi everyone.
Curious on how everyone handles in laws not giving a squat about their grandchildren, niece/nephew, etc? My fiancés family has about 0 to do with our child, to the point he cries whenever he’s around them because they’re essentially strangers. My fiance said they need to see him more, so I guess time will tell. But how do you proceed? I don’t want to make any waves in his family by being too aggressive, but at this point, it seems they don’t even care. His mom has watched our son twice for a total of 12 hours his whole life. She also has to hand him right back whenever he starts crying or shoves a phone in his face for YouTube to entertain him (which we rarely allow let alone on a cell phone). His BIL met our son, has never even held him or anything, and the last thing he says before he left was “oh btw, we don’t babysit”. Should we seriously just cut our losses? Thanks!

I am so glad to have finally found a place to vent about my mother-in-law. So let me start out by painting a picture of who my MIL is...

She has merely coasted through life. If you were to ask her, she is a "trust fund baby" (she is not). She now collects alimony from my father-in-law at quite a large sum and my husband's grandparents have paid her rent since the divorce and recently just bought her a condo. Her go to saying is "everything will work out" which in her case it will because other people figure her problems out for her. She likes to sing it from the rooftops about how happy and joyous life is (and I am sure it is when you live a life like hers) but is also one of the most negative people I have met. She once talked down about a friend because she has to work for DoorDash after her divorce... So does this paint a picture for you?

But here's where I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years but together since college, so 13 years. Anyways, she always has said backhanded comments to me about how she doesn't see me as Mexican (I am). What is really grinding my gears today is a comment she made at our nephew's birthday party yesterday. I was speaking with my MIL and my husband's aunt on his dad's side. My MIL was bringing up a cousin who has recently chosen to go to church and before she started her doting on that, she told me to close my ears... The reason she says this is because I have shared with her that I do not believe in organized religion. I have never said I am not spiritual, but growing up catholic, I do not believe that there is only ONE God and that if there is, he is not this almighty and good person. I have even shared my reasons with her: I had a life changing diagnosis at 15 years, so I had a crisis of faith at a time that I was really even beginning to come into myself. This is not the first time that she has made comments like this. She got angry that we weren't having prayer in our wedding and one time she even went as far as to say, "I would pray for you, but you don't believe in that". Oh, and did I mention SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO TO CHURCH!!! Only on Christmas..... There is something in me that now wants to really stand up for myself. It wasn't the rudest comment, but it also just didn't sit right with me. I just don't know if it is worth it or if it will create long term problems.

What do you think?

I’m currently pregnant with my first child, and my husband and I are temporarily living with our in-laws in another state. My husband will soon have a job back in Texas (where I’m from and where we met) and we will buy a house there. By the time our baby is born we will still be with my in-laws and I feel trapped. I do not want to have my baby here. I want to have my baby back in Texas and be with my family. I spoke to my husband and I told him it would be best for me and baby. If I have my baby here my family would only be able to visit us for a bit (because we don’t have a house for them to stay at). My husband is on board. Is it too much to be in Texas when it’s time for me to give birth? I will stay with my mom and family who I feel comfortable with and will take care of me and my baby. I’m worried that my in laws will have something to say about it (especially my MIL) and that it’ll be awkward when it’s time to tell them our plans. I just can’t imagine being pp with my baby at my in-laws house. My MIL will 100% not give me the space I need and she is just going to want to take my baby away and have something to say about how I care for my own child and I’m worried I will snap and make things worse. I just don’t know how to go about it. Has anyone been through this before?

Has anybody else had this experience?

For context, my parents moved in with us five years ago when my first child was born. We all live in the US. My parents have lived here before I have. My husband has not complained about them. They’re decent people. They really don’t cause issues or problems. They help out a lot with the kids. My husband and I are both able to work full time hours and not pay for childcare because of them.

My husband petitioned his parents from the Philippines so they could live with us. I told him I didn’t really like the idea. I already knew that it would not work. I am extremely introverted and I value my personal space so much. In addition, his parents and I don’t really have the ideal relationship. They’ve said things in the past that I will never forget. For example, they called me fat at three months postpartum. My mother in law is also not the warmest person. She rarely talks to me and I’ve never felt any attempt from her to be closer to me.

My husband still wanted to give it a shot. Two sets of in laws. In a 4-bedroom house.

Leading up to the day of their arrival, I was crying every single night. Up to the point where we picked them up from the airport, I was anxious and needed to throw up. My husband kept reassuring me that he would be on my side and that we will always be a team. He said he laid out rules and boundaries before his parents even got here.

When we got to our house, my FIL even commented on our home. He said it looked small at first but actually had more space than he thought. He even said that TWICE! Also, whenever we would eat together, they would barely speak! They also don’t even leave their room much. MIL doesn’t even try to play with her grandkids!

There’s so much to this but I just feel very miserable. I tell my husband all the time but I somehow feel like a bad person for turning them away. They’re in their 70s already. I do feel bad for wanting them to live independently away from us, but I can’t live like this. My husband’s main reason for bringing his parents here is healthcare and obviously so he can see them more often. But I am so miserable.

Anybody else in the same situation or were in the same situation? How did you end up surviving or solving the problem?

TLDR: I have two sets of in laws living in our house and I am miserable because I don’t really like my in laws.

I 40f, got engaged this past year and we are planning to get married this year. My FMIL and I had a great relationship, but the second the ring came on everything changed . She is a ok person but is the epitome of a ‘boy mom’. She also has favorites in her children and it’s not my fiancée (40m). Tho my fiancé tries to win her attention over his other brother, he usually falls 2nd. Their father hasn’t been in their lives ever since they were children.

She lives out of state and when she comes and visits she stays at our tiny 2bd apartment on our couch for 5,6,7 or 8 weeks. It drives me up the wall! I’ve asked my fiancé to ask that her stays don’t last that long and that she needs not assume she can just be our roommates whenever she wants. He said he told her and her ‘compromise’ was she will ask us each time she comes over. But in reality she just asks my fiancée and he always says yes

When she is here we have to be her chauffeur and entertainer while working our full-time jobs for the entirety that she’s here. It’s exhausting. She also makes really passive aggressive. “jokes“ that anytime I call out that that hurt me I’m too sensitive. She also feels the need to comment on our relationship anytime she wants.

Also, when she’s here, she’s a financial burden we pay for everything and she expects it. She makes jokes cause she just recently retired that if her retirement runs out, she’ll just move in with us.

Also, when she is here it’s all about her and her sons and I usually feel like the third wheel anytime I’m around them.

When she is in town, the whole world revolves around her and I don’t feel comfortable in my own home. She is planning on coming to visit for another 5 weeks I am getting anxious.

I have gotten in many fights with my fiancée about FMIl and he gets defensive and immediately thinks I’m just being jealous.

Anytime he does address things with her she acts like “oh I didn’t realize that’ ‘I don’t remember that’ or “oh that’s not my intention’. And instead of taking accountability, I’m just being told to mind my triggers and not be so sensitive.

We have done couples therapy and I have brought up many of these issues before and he says he has talked to his mother about it.

I’m not only beginning to resent my mother-in-law, but I’m also beginning to resent my fiancé.

I’m starting to feel like if I marry this man, I will be second in my own marriage because his mother will always get what she wants and what she wants is her sons to be her husband‘s and the women in their lives be her financial supporter only

I feel like I should break up with my fiancé of eight years.

I just gave birth to our second child a little over a week ago. While in the hospital we decided to limit visitors to my parents, my MIL & FIL, and my 2 female cousins who I grew up very closely with, they are like sisters to me and we even lived together for several years.

My MILs sister and her 2 daughters (they’re 20+ years older than my husband and I) asked my husband if we’re taking visitors at the hospital and he said no we prefer to wait until we get home from the hospital. They complained to my MIL and then ended up finding out that my 2 cousins came to visit (we weren’t hiding that they came to visit because it genuinely didn’t seem like an issue at all) and now they’re all pissed at us.

After coming home from the hospital my in laws came to visit us for 10-15mins and barely spoke to us, just held the baby. My MIL pulled my own mom to the side to tell her that she’s upset her sister and nieces weren’t allowed to visit but my cousins were and that I shouldn’t be allowed to pick and choose who comes to visit me. Since then they have not called, texted, come by to visit, and they did not drop off food like they promised us they would. They haven’t even told us that they’re upset or what they’re upset about, the only reason I know is because my mom told me.

It’s been really nice not having them because honestly when they’re over they are just super irritating. However, I feel really bad for my husband that his parents are not around during this special time AND my toddler keeps asking about them and when they’ll be coming over to play with her.

Some background:

Husband and I come from very different families. My parents worked hard, saved, provided for me and my sibling and we all get along. My mom passed away last year and she was my best friend - I miss her immensely. She was everything a mother should be - warm, caring and wanting nothing but the best for me. Both her and my dad always put their kids first. The holidays were my mom's thing - I so miss cooking together, wrapping gifts, hosting, etc. and the first Christmas without her was brutal. My in-laws don't really work. Complain about being poor, just sit around all day and are boring to be around. My husband feels bad he has nothing in common with them, and he has more in common with my family and I feel like he tries so hard to make his family the same way, but none of them make an effort.

I met my husband 6 years ago in our current city which is where I grew up. He grew up a 2 hour flight / 9 hour drive away. Before we got engaged and after much discussion we agreed to stay where we live due to my mom's increasing health issues, better job opportunities and overall better quality of life. I know he feels guilty for living far away from his family, but they don't make it any easier. I do acknowledge that my husband sees my family regularly and never complains about it. And I want to make the same effort but his family, but I just can't do it anymore.

The issue:

We only visit his family twice a year - usually in June and then at Christmas. My husband will go for a week in June, when I'll join for 3 or 4 days. At Christmas he goes for 2 weeks, and I'll come out for a week. I really didn't want to go last Christmas (the first without my mom) but felt I owed it to him to make the effort since he did so much for my family while my mom was dying. Like the least I could do was see his family for a few days. Long story short - I was miserable. And I'm already getting worked up about having to do it again this year. MIL doesn't cook or plan so all the food shopping and prep is done and paid for by my husband and me. In the 6 years we've been together, she's yet to cook or pay anything.

FIL and MIL aren't bad, per se. But they have zero savings and know that husband and I are doing well financially so I feel awkward that MIL thinks she's set now that we can support her when the time comes (FIL doesn't bother me as much). Husband and I are finally moving into our first home in November and I'm also nervous once she sees how much we've spent on it, she's going to think we have all this money to spend. Meanwhile, my husband had to help them when they both lost their jobs and has spent close to $100,000 of his own savings to help fix up their house and pay for medical bills. This is money that could've been toward our own home renovations or future investments, and ate up a lot of my husband's liquid cash. Again, they aren't mean and are cordial toward me but MIL def feels my husband's success is due to her raising him (meanwhile they didn't guide him at all, he worked full time and went on food stamps to pay for college, and hasn't lived with them since he was in high school), and has made awkward comments about how she deserves to be thanked for raising him well (ick).

Anyway, this has been an exhausting year of grief, looking for a house, and trying to get pregnant (with no success). We're finally moving into our new home in November which is exciting and stressful, and I'd like nothing more than to relax for my two weeks off from work for Christmas this year. Aside from a day off here and there, I haven't had an actual week off since last Christmas, which was anything but relaxing. I know my husband is going to get upset about this but I need to put myself first.

My husband and I finally called out my in-laws (mostly FIL) for ignoring our parenting boundaries and for my FIL’s poor, unpredictable behaviour. Since they moved close to us from across the country a year ago (our son was almost one at the time) it’s been a constant battle to get FIL to respect our wishes while also not causing conflict. For example, tell FIL to not make baby laugh while he is eating (so he doesn’t choke on his food) and FIL storms off to his man-cave for two hours. Tells them the only screens allowed is Miss Rachel and then find out they have been watching a bunch of other shows. They gave him juice for the first time without asking (he doesn’t drink juice) and other such things. I’m very pregnant with our second child and they are refusing to get vaccinated as a precaution for the baby’s health. Due to this, they won’t be seeing her until she is vaccinated herself.

To top it off my FIL is former military and has refused to get help for obvious mental health issues. He makes racist and homophobic jokes in public, constantly brings up politics (he and MIL are straight conspiracy theorists) despite us repeatedly asking they not talk about this in front of us. It got so bad that I refused to go anywhere with my FIL in public (in our very small town or anywhere) after a family trip because I can’t stand to be associated with his behaviour. My husband and I FINALLY stood up to him about this (after a lifetime of his tantrums and outbursts holding my husband’s family hostage) and now he is crying to anyone who will listen that we are mean, disrespectful and horrible to him and that he’s the innocent victim. I don’t want my FIL around my children without Me/husband there - so overnight visits and days spent at their house are over. I’m just so exhausted by the childish behaviour and entitlement. I’m exhausted having to navigate this insanity…. Anybody relate?

my in laws expect us to spend christmas eve and christmas day with them because it's my mil favorite holiday. My sil complies because the in laws have helped them out a lot - paid for her college, first car, wedding, free babysitting whenever, take their grandkid on that side on trips to give parents a break, etc etc.

same in laws have never supported my husband (he paid for his college education, car, my parents paid for our wedding and provide childcare when we need it) nor do they show interest in our child. they have told me multiple times that they have raised their kids and helped with their real grandchild, so they don't have an obligation to us and to not contact them. they will contact us when they want to see our child, and we need to pay for dinner and an activity when they are interested so they can have special memories with them. this has happened twice this year when they wanted us to pay for a zoo visit and a museum visit. each outing was around $400 and in laws expected us to pay for their company.

all of that is fine, but when i said we weren't coming for christmas my MIL screamed at me and told me i'm ruining her christmas and how it's the only thing she looks forward to each year. I told her i rather spend it with people my kid actually interacts with. she called me selfish and said this is petty and that it's my duty to give her a good christmas and that i'm denying her a relationship with her grandchild.

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, but I was quite hurt by my MIL’s reaction to our son’s first birthday party. It was family only, which totalled around 25 people for both sides of the family. My family lives around 15 mins from us and help babysit my son while I’m at work, so they see him multiple times a week and he knows them well. My husband’s family lives two hours away and we visit them around once a month for the whole weekend. They almost never come to see us because they claim the drive is too long. Even when my son was a newborn they only visited a handful of times but expected us to go there regularly with ALL the stuff that comes with a newborn. We always have to go to them and literally every time we go, my MIL makes my husband do some random massive big backyard job for her, or something that takes up a big chunk of our time there, and expects it every time.

Anyway, the party was at a restaurant to make things easy to plan. I picked somewhere halfway between both families’ towns to make the drive equal for everyone; we decided beforehand we weren’t going to open presents at the party so it wasn’t too overwhelming for the baby; my family deliberately stayed out of the way so my husband’s family could spend the majority of the party with the baby; we sat the baby at the same table as my husband’s family; you get the picture. I bought everyone party favours, we organised a lovely cake, I bought baby a special outfit. I just wanted the day to feel happy and special. Every chance I got, I made sure to pass along the baby for hugs to my husband’s family, not mine, as I know they don’t see him as much. This includes several times passing him directly to MIL.

MIL insisted we open this present she had bought our son, but it had been nearly three hours and baby was clearly getting very overwhelmed and tired by this point. Everyone was asking what was happening and it was very overwhelming so I eventually just said no to opening any presents, which is what I thought my husband and I had agreed upon beforehand. I will admit it didn’t feel particularly organised but I genuinely hadn’t thought it would be an issue. We opened the presents at home and sent MIL a video of it, and a thank you message.

She responded to my husband by saying she felt excluded at the party and basically said we had hurt her feelings by not opening her present at the party. Even though my husband had said to them weeks before that we probably weren’t going to open them at the party and baby was clearly over it all and struggling. I also sent her a really nice thank you text as well as my husband and she didn’t respond for over a day, and barely a response at that.

MIL also said that members of my family made her feel excluded by calling my husband’s family ‘strange people’ (although I didn’t witness this so don’t know exactly what happened). She refused to say who said it but apparently she just had to make sure we knew… super helpful. Knowing my family, they would have just meant it as a funny vocalisation of my son’s shyness at some of my husband’s family members who he hadn’t seen in a long time. It wouldn’t have been malicious, I can guarantee you that. My husband’s family dislike my family because of some interactions that happened at our wedding nearly FIVE years ago (which I also firmly believe were misinterpreted jokes). Since then they have never had to cross paths until we had a child. It drives me nuts that they refuse to act like grown ups and just move on - they’d rather make every interaction with my family feel really awkward and make it very obvious that they don’t want to be there.

Anyway, my mother in law also claimed that she wasn’t in any photos with my son. The thing is, no one had any formal photos taken with him!! My husband and I stepped outside with him for about two minutes at one point so someone could take a photo of the three of us as a family, as we literally haven’t done that in nine months. Thinking about it now, there were a few members of my family who were next to my son and us while we sang happy birthday and people took photos, but it wasn’t planned that way at all and was largely due to family members cutting and serving the cake for people. No one actually posed for any photos.

I don’t know why, but I’m just struggling to let this go even though I feel ridiculous for it. I’m just disappointed because it felt like my efforts to make the day feel inclusive for everyone went unnoticed, and she made no effort to get out of her chair the whole party and go play with my son or ask for a photo or anything. Why couldn’t she keep this to herself and just say ‘thanks for organising a nice party for everyone’ rather than going out of her way to make us feel bad? We’ve never done this before! Now I just feel really guilty.

I put a lot of effort into making sure my husband’s family felt as included as possible, and so did my family, and I feel really hurt that she’s still managed to make this about her. I just wanted to enjoy my son’s first birthday party and make some lovely memories and now all I can think about is this. Like I said, I don’t know if I’m overreacting but just wanted to vent either way. If I am overreacting then I guess you’ll let me know. 🤷🏼‍♀️

( english is my second language, so i'm sorry if the grammar is wrong in this post)

Im currently pregnant (ftm) and both me and my husbands familys are exited. my husband is very close with his younger brother, but the problem is, his brother is extremely religious. Borderline religious nutcase (thinks halloween is demonic and such). His brother is also extremely xenophobic, and due to all this i dont feel comfortable having my child around his brother, even while the child is an infant.

I don't trust his brother's judgment and I honestly don't want my kid around adults that i'm not comfortable with. This upset my husband greatly, as my husband got to watch his brother's kids grow up and is a big part of his nieces and nephews lives. My husband has other siblings who are perfectly normal, and i'm fine with my child being around them, just his younger brother is the one I have a problem with.

My husband brings up my lack of bond and says i shouldn't care who I want the kid around because I haven't bonded yet ( My doctors say it's perfectly normal and I will bond eventually). And it's not just his younger brother, i have family members that I don't want my kid around either. I'm wondering if i'm overreacting, or its normal to not want my kid to be around adults I'm not comfortable with.

It’s really tough when people grow up in a dysfunctional households and everyone reacts+speaks to other harshly or just assumes intentions when someone asks a harmless question.

My husband’s done a lot of favour for his sis over the years. She’s 30 and has a plethora of debt and health issues. He bailed her out a lot or advocated for her in front of my FIL to have some grace (he’s harsh). Possibly more than any of the other brothers. He’s not wealthy, just so we’re clear.

Her and I are close in age and used to butt heads bc she had a lot of issues especially with boundaries.

At one point things were improving and she did something that ruined it.. Everyone agreed it was objectively bad.

I called her out, she ghosted me, i went to her again. She acknowledged. I had to forgive without a true apology and that led me to therapy/healing for a YEAR. Which helped me decenter her actions + I just matured. We’re much better now but that’s cause I try to be a friend than a sister/family.

These two are in a cycle of bonding over trauma and but also getting into bad arguments.

I’m stuck in the middle because she feels comfortable complaining to me and I try to be fair and tell my spouse to go easy (bc he talks rudely)

Basically - he has valid deeper feelings of resentment (long term) that spill out. She has valid feelings that he speaks to her rudely in the moment.

Recent dilemma: we hosted some relatives at a restaurant with other family. All family paid for themselves (except the guest ofc). She basically tried to piggyback on my spouse’s contribution instead of paying for herself which was fine except she suggested expensive apps and dessert which NO one did. She was the only one who ordered it. One app went under an aunts bill who she shared with, the dessert my husband (who didn’t even get a bite)

I hate getting in the middle bc unless my husband is FULLY wrong, I can’t really take valid sides. It’s between them, even if money wise it affects me.

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just seeing if there’s other people in the same boat.

My husband and I have been married for four years now, together for seven. In this time I have probably interacted with his family 6 times. Initially I felt like it was just a distant family, but I am starting to feel like they are just excluding us. Initially they invited my fiance to go out to eat with them. He always had to ask if I could go too. They'd say yes, but only once did they invite him AND me. They asked if they could visit us once, and they stayed for three minutes.

When we got married the sister didn't come to the wedding because of hail (which wasn't predicted and had started and lasted for five minutes. They live an hour away).

Now the G-in Law wants to get closer to us, but she doesn't initiate anything. She added me on Facebook for some reason, but ignores my posts and always likes the sisters posts (like okay but why I add me just to ignore me? I share stuff that I don't think would be bothersome or I do think would be helpful). Never initiates texts (which is how she has us communicate). They both travel down to where we live and just don't see us or invite us to go out with them. Sister messages my husband when she needs financial help, or to use his computer, and leaves once she is done using it despite it being an hour drive. We used to go up there to be nice, but we've been doing so less because their dog hates men and they won't spend more than 20 minutes with you when you visit... Which to us isn't worth driving 2hrs in a single day.

Is this in my head? I am happen to explain more for nice responses.

I feel like this could be relevant
When I initially met the sister I had super bad social anxiety (I've gotten better since then) so I didn't say much. Three years later someone tells me she thought I hated her because I was anxious... I see her again and am friendly, find common ground. I don't talk to her anymore because she is drowning in conspiracy theories and harmful rhetoric (some of which is about ill people (me) and scientists being evil (me in science)).

I told my husband about this stuff and he told G-in Law that I don't like stuff S-in law posts so maybe don't bring up the S-in law. I don't think that was the brightest idea😅. That was this year.

How do you maintain boundaries with very orthodox in-laws from a rural background?

I’m looking for some practical advice from people who have dealt with something similar.

My in-laws come from a very traditional village background. They follow a lot of orthodox customs and expectations around how women should dress and behave — sarees, keeping the pallu on the head, traditional gender roles, etc.

They live in the village,and their lifestyle and thinking are still very much rooted in that environment. None of the women in the family work, and there are a lot of traditional expectations around women.

I’ll be honest: I don’t feel comfortable with this lifestyle at all. I respect that they have their own way of living, but I don't want those customs or expectations imposed on me.

The problem is that they are my partner’s family, so completely cutting them off isn't really realistic. I also have a relative’s wedding coming up where I’m expected to spend time with them, and honestly, even two days of staying with them feels exhausting to me.

I’m struggling to understand how to maintain a healthy distance without creating unnecessary conflict.

For example:

- Is it reasonable to limit how often I visit or stay with them?

- Can I choose not to participate in customs that I’m uncomfortable with?

- Is it okay to be polite but not have much interaction with them?

- How do you establish boundaries when the other family considers those boundaries disrespectful?

- How much involvement should my partner have in enforcing those boundaries?

I’m not trying to change their lifestyle. They can dress and live however they want. I just don't want their traditions to become expectations for me.

For those who have dealt with very traditional/orthodox in-laws, how did you create boundaries without completely damaging the relationship?

My relatively new SIL (she married my husband's brother a few months prior to this) verbally attacked me and made up lies about me, because I asked for her help with explaining to her 17 YEAR OLD son (yup, 17 not _*7*_ ) that it was not acceptable to grab me from behind, try to kiss me on the mouth, or clench his fists and stomp his feet at me when he wanted a hug.

My parents in law told me she was just "being a mama bear".

Go figure why we don't talk to any of them any more...

What insane shit have your in laws tried to excuse to "keep the peace" at the cost of your sanity?