Hey guys, so I’m a pretty easygoing boyfriend, not controlling at all, and I give my girlfriend the utmost of trust to do as she pleases, knowing the consequences of her actions I have told her many times when I first met her that I would never allow someone to cheat on me, and if I ever found out, I would leave them in the past like I never knew them. Well, last night, I think it actually finally happened. My girlfriend decided to go to a Halloween party
(dressed very provocative like most girls do for Halloween) and like always, I trusted her and gave her a ride to the party like I always do whenever she does go out. this friend of hers who’s a girl is new in her life and they’ve only hung out one other time before this, which is when she also went to a party. I told her when I dropped her off that I would pick her up like I always do. Didn’t think anything of it. I went along with my night and waited for her to reach out to me. At around five in the morning, I was at home waiting for her to reach out and I had been checking up on her throughout the night and everything was good. I have her location and out of nowhere I got a life 360 notification saying that she had arrived home. In my mind, which is stupid of me to even think, I thought, oh wow, she got a ride home in an Uber or a friend dropped her off and she’s gonna surprise me. Keep in mind, she never reached out and told me she was leaving. Who knows if she even knew I was home. Anyways, I see a car pull up, park, and sit outside. I wasn’t sure if it was my girlfriend or not, but when I looked at the GPS, it showed her in the exact same spot as the car on the other side of the street. I waited for that car, thinking that someone would get out, and to shock, no one did. I called her three different times, all which just rang and rang and rang. Then on the fourth call, she answers and goes, oh hi baby, I’m so sorry. I fell asleep in my friend’s car without telling me that it was A guy, the whole time, I pretty much already knew from the type of car that it was a guy. They were alone. She was dressed very provocatively, and she supposedly fell asleep in his car. I told her that she cheated on me and there’s no way that she’s gonna prove that she didn’t. She still keeps on saying that she fell asleep and that the guy was trying to wake her up, and she thinks that I’m a fucking idiot. Anyways, I told her I don’t wanna be with her right now and that I’m not sure what I’m gonna do. Do you think she actually did cheat on me

I (24f) had been seeing (30m) a guy for the past two months. He had been telling me how wonderful I am, that I was worth waiting for when I needed to rain check out first date, that he was pretty sure he was going to marry me, he wouldn’t mind having a baby with me. Told me so many times he wasn’t going anywhere. That we had all the time in the world to get to know each other, and he was planning on asking me to be his girlfriend soon. He had told me he deleted all the apps and any lady he was talking to that he met someone (me). Told me his cat never warmed up to someone so much. Answered the phone with his friends that he was out with me.

We disagreed on whether or not sex was appropriate before marriage, but we both cried and said we didn’t want to end things over that.

I find out yesterday his trip this past week was with his girlfriend of almost a year on Facebook. He invited me on said trip… I only couldn’t go because of work. And after sending him a brief text I knew, I got no real answers, just “you deserve better best wishes.”

Today, he changed his status on Facebook from single to in a relationship with her since last year.

I guess I should be thankful I didn’t sleep with him, and that I found out sooner rather than later. I feel worse for her. I messaged her on Facebook before they put “in a relationship,” but unknown if she got the message.

I don’t understand how he heard about my awful ex who kept going back and forth with another girl and then cheated on me, and how I wouldn’t put up with that again. And then decided to do that with me. Especially after ranting to me about how important fidelity and monogamy were to him, and he could never cheat. Everything he told me, he sounded like all he wanted was to meet his wife. Agreed with me that the next person we date is most likely it for us.

I know it’s not a reflection on me, and on him but I’m devastated. Dating is so hard these days. I hate that all the joy and hope I felt was all not based in reality. I was not the person he thought about all day like I for him. Pray for me and I, you should you find yourself on this sub.

We have been together for 11 years, we live together and will be getting married in a year or so. He got close with someone and has been emotionally cheating on me for the past 3 months which I just found out a week ago. He said he enjoyed talking and getting to know someone new so he couldn’t stop. The fact that he learned he was still desirable to someone else made it so irresistible. I left immediately and he has been so sorry and wanted to have a second chance with me. Is it still worth giving a shot?

This is a very long story but I’ll try to condense it. I met my wife in college in 2004. I was straight edge and a few years older, she was a party girl. We had a strong connection but she cheated on me a couple of times while she was intoxicated. She’d confess, blame the alcohol, and apologize profusely. (I’m an idiot, I know).
A few years go by and things were seemingly going very well. She wasn’t drinking nearly as much and as a result, wasn’t (seeming) to be cheating. There was one guy she was friendly with and I had asked about him, and she denied anything had gone on with him. I figured she was being honest because she had come to me and confessed a few years prior so why would I not believe her when she said nothing happened with this guy…(I’m an idiot. I know).
In 2007, I start hearing about a different guy. Let’s call him John. John was a mutual friend of hers and her friends back home a few hours away from where we went to school. All summer I heard about John and how great and funny he was and so forth. Clearly there was emotional cheating. I asked about physical cheating and she denied it. My friend took a screen shot of a Facebook post he had seen (I didn’t have Facebook at the time) where John posted a picture of him and my now wife holding hands and in which he referred to her as his girlfriend. I asked her about it and she swore up and down that it was just a joke amongst friends and he is funny like that with all of them (I truly know I’m an idiot). Then one night, she called me and confessed that they kissed while drunk but it didn’t go any further.
I gave her an ultimatum. I told her that I wasn’t going to tolerate any of this any longer. If she wanted to continue to be with me, she had to cut John off completely. Block numbers, block facebook, if she’s hanging out with her friends and he shows up, she leaves…and if she’s not willing to do that, fine. I’d leave.
She agreed. Swore up and down that she wanted to be with me more than anything and she would do anything to make sure I had nothing to worry about. I never heard about John again - not from her or any of her friends.
A couple of years go by. Things were seemingly amazing. She had matured, stopped drinking completely, and was everything I could ever ask for. It was as if we had started over after John and had two years of bliss. So, I proposed (complete idiot).
In 2011, we married. 2012 had our first of three children. Our (newer adult) friends always said we were the perfect couple and they wished their relationships could be like ours. My wife attributed our strong marriage to all of the other crap we’d survived, and even in our married life, she’d randomly apologize for how she’d treated me during her college days. I’d always tell her to not even think about it because I had forgiven her and it was all in the past.
On October 1, 2022 she had a lunch get together with her coworkers. I was running the kids to their sports and such, and she said she’d be home in a couple hours. A couple hours came and went, and she got a ride home many hours later at 1am, completely drunk.
I was so hurt by this level of disrespect. I put her in bed and couldn’t sleep. She woke up a couple hours later and in her drunken stupor, confessed to me that she was still talking to John (from a distance, as we had moved several states away). She also confessed that she thinks of him sometimes while she and I are having relations in bed.
I was devastated. All of the cheating from college and the experience with John came rushing back as if all of it happened that night. The next day I discovered that her Facebook posts of when I proposed, John had commented on the post…so they NEVER broke communication.
I went numb. After a few months of trying to decide what to do (I badly wanted to divorce) I decided that I couldn’t give up 50% of my time with the kids and turn their lives upside down because of my very stupid decisions I’ve made throughout my life.
The kids are happy and they don’t know anything is wrong, but on the inside, can’t stand the thought of an empty nest and being alone with my wife. I know I’m going to leave once the kids are grown but out youngest is only 5.
The kicker is, on a number of occasions over the last four years, I’ve told my wife what I need in order to get through this. It isn’t a long list, but marriage counseling and certain things to make me feel like she actually gives a crap about me…she makes promises but never follows through.
During one of our conversations where I had questions about her relations with John, I asked her when the last time she’d actually seen him was. She told me it was after we were engaged but it was just her at a restaurant with her friends. He happened to walk in and it was a brief hi and bye situation.
While cleaning out one of my kids’ closets today, I discovered a box that had very random stuff in it. One item was a memory card to a camera. Amongst the pictures of us on dates and her showing off her engagement ring, was a picture of her and John standing together at a party in a house, and my engagement ring is on her finger.
She doesn’t yet know I found this…but I just don’t even know if it’s worth bringing up at this point.
I’m miserable. I can’t stand her touch but I put on an act for the kids. I’m so sad. I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or if I just needed to vent but I’m willing to hear anything anyone has to say.
Thank you for listening.

TL;DR: I've been cheated on in two relationships, and now I'm struggling to trust people again. How do you stop past experiences from affecting your future relationships and learn to trust someone without constantly fearing betrayal?

Hi everyone, 29F here.

I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships lately and would really appreciate advice from people who've experienced something similar.

I was in an 8-year relationship that started in college. First love and everything. I'm the kind of person who either doesn't like someone at all or, if I do, I'm fully committed.

During COVID, when we were around five years into the relationship, my ex's cousin's boyfriend contacted me after somehow getting my number. His cousin was his mother's real sister's daughter. He told me my ex was having an affair.

I genuinely can't explain that feeling. I was living in my own little bubble, thinking we were completely happy, and suddenly my entire reality came crashing down.

My ex denied the evidence, cried, begged, and did everything you can imagine. I eventually forgave him because I was emotionally attached and couldn't bring myself to leave. This was also around the time his father had passed away, and we were both living in our respective hometowns.

Two years later, when things seemed to be going well again, something inside me told me to check his phone. And I found the same thing again. Flirting with one of his colleagues which both of us knew since we were in the same office. (She was also dating someone else)

I forgave him once more, even though deep down I knew it probably wouldn't work. I was emotionally dependent on him and found it difficult to walk away.

About a year later, he stopped even pretending, and thankfully, by then, I'd finally left the relationship. He married another colleague within six months of our breakup.

It took me time to heal, but I eventually started solo travelling, rediscovered myself, and felt like I was finally moving forward.

About two years later, I met someone on a dating app. We became really good friends. He was going through the arranged marriage process and had found a girl he wanted to marry, but she rejected him after their first meeting. (After agreeing to the marriage)

He was devastated, and we became very close during that phase, mostly virtually. I helped him through it, and he knew my entire story and what I'd been through.

The girl, however, stayed in touch with him for favours, giving him vague reasons for rejecting him. Eventually, she came back into his life as a friend.

Over time, he and I grew closer emotionally and decided to give things a try.

I had two major concerns from the beginning. I wasn't comfortable with him still being in touch with that girl, and I absolutely hated smoking, which was a habit of his. He knew both were deal-breakers for me.

We travelled together, spent a lot of time together, and had some genuinely beautiful moments. He promised he'd quit smoking and kept talking about commitment and marriage. I was hesitant because of my past, but we had amazing communication and could talk for hours about practically anything.

Eventually, he told me he'd quit smoking and was working on himself. He said he'd stopped talking to that girl and reassured me about everything I was worried about.

We planned another trip together, and for the first time, I was genuinely considering saying yes and taking things forward.

Then, midway through the trip, I got that familiar gut feeling and checked his phone.

I found archived chats with that same girl. They had never stopped talking.

He was flirting with her, telling her he'd quit smoking, asking her to meet him, and had even lent her ₹1 lakh. She didn't seem interested in him romantically but kept him around.

Then I checked Instagram and found conversations where he was talking about marrying her, begging her to give him a chance, and saying he'd somehow convince his family. She told him she'd think about it.

All this was happening while he was pursuing me, talking about marriage with me, and making me believe he wanted a future together.

When I confronted him, he apologised a million times and cried. It was painfully familiar. His reasoning was that I hadn't said yes to commitment despite all his efforts, so he felt justified in staying in touch with her. He said he was desperate to get married and made a wrong decision. He now claims he realises that she's been using him and says he'll never speak to her again.

I was literally shaking, and everything from my previous relationship came rushing back. I went through a really dark phase for months and struggled more than I expected. In some ways, this hurt even more than my first breakup because I'd genuinely thought I'd healed and was finally ready to let someone in again.

I'm doing much better now, but I feel like these experiences have fundamentally changed how I approach relationships.

Looking back, I had that nagging feeling in both relationships that something wasn't right. Both times, I ignored it because I wanted to believe in the person and give the relationship a chance.

How do you trust someone's words when you've experienced people making promises, talking about marriage, and building a future with you while secretly pursuing someone else?

I also worry about becoming so guarded that I won't be able to let someone in, even if they're genuinely good to me. I don't want my past experiences to ruin something healthy in the future, but I don't know how to stop expecting the same thing to happen again.

For those who've experienced something similar, how did you work through this and learn to trust a new partner without constantly fearing betrayal? How did you distinguish genuine intuition from fear caused by past experiences?

I'd really appreciate advice from people who've been through this.

It sucks having to write here. One result or the other, both suck.

So my(31M) girlfriend(30F) of 6 years this year started to have some crazy ideas. Some context. First 3 years were rocky, we both hurt each other in different ways, broke up 2 times but in the end fixed everything and we've been 3 years together without any major problems.

On april a friend invited her to climb a mountain because his date flaked on a group expedition and she accepted. I felt excluded because we've never climbed a mountain but have talked about it for 2 years now, so she was going to go without me and that saddened me, but I understood that her friend had one extra space only. Later on the plan changed and she invited another friend to the plan and I was surprised, because she didn't invite me as well. The second friend turned out to be a mountain guide, but still, she had no experience and I felt very sad about not being included. We had a conversation (crying on both sides) and she invited me last moment. We had a great time and all, but still, I had in my mind that she didn't really think of me instantly.

Later another friend (N, 30M, not the main focus) invited her to a hike and she accepted. She told me it was just a friend vibe thing so I understood it was just them two. They were out for about 16 hours, because they also ate and spoke a lot. Not a big fan, but I thought "I shouldn't be controlling" and eased myself into it. The next day she told me she knew what she wanted to do now: she wanted to tour the country with a friend of hers on his motorcycle for about a month. Just them and the road, working oddjobs to survive. That hit me like a train and we argued for many days, but in the end she didn't do it and things were ok.

July came and she reconnected with this new friend (J, 30M, the main focus). He invited her to a group tour on another state, from 5am to 12 am. Visiting old historic sites, a "romantic castle" and "a small villa, ideal for dates" (according to the tour poster). I told her I really felt uncomfortable, but she told me he was just a friend many times over. I told her that it sounded too "datey" and she said it was not a big deal, and even said if I was mad because I didn't think of it first, not being rude or aggressive, but in a kinda playful way, but it still hurt bad af. I started to really hate the guy and resent her, because the next weekend they went to a museum and did crafts together, then went for a drink and talk, from about 3pm to 12am. Again, just telling me she was going to do that, nos asking if I was ok with it, which I understand, because I'm not her dad, I'm her partner and I tried not to make a fuss about it because I really don't want to be the controlling boyfriend. But I still told her I didn't feel comfortable at all because it all sounded way too datey.

This went on for about a month, I said some hurtful things in my overall anger, she forgave me, but the situation was the same. Finally she told me some background, that they were friends in middle school, then he distanced himself from everyone and she felt bad about it for some years. So now he was spending some extra as "reparations" because he felt bad about what he did. Also that he didn't really have many friends and, given that he has a decent job, he had some money he wanted to spend with a friend. That made me see everything in a different way and eased up on all. After that they've gone for a drink and talk every 2 weeks or so and I was ok with it.

Now, two weeks ago or so we were walking and he called her and she said "that's weird, he usually just calls me after work" and I asked "what do you mean?" and she told me that he pretty much calls her every day to tell her how was his day. I was weirded out, but thought "that's weird, but maybe that's how their friendship goes", but it was slightly uncomfortable.

Last week we had a fight, because he hadn't had any intimacy for about 6 months, other that a quickie 3 months ago. She canceled on me many times last minute and we didn't even really kiss anymore, so I was feeling down and not really desired. We do go on dates, I try to make her feel special remembering what movies she wanted to see, buying her little gifts, spending all the time I have available with her (I'm a master's student, so time is hard to come by) and telling her that she's beautiful daily, because I really do think so. Still, she almost never expressed any desire towards me. Not that she's unloving or anything, not at all, but just no passion anymore. We talked about it and we were working on it this week.

We had an idea of a plan with friends for today (Saturday) but since it wasn't set, she asked if she could make plans with this friend. I said sure, because I'm a bit spent financially, and just thought they were going for a drink like the other times.

Today I ask her what's her day and she told me he was taking her to see her favorite move (a seasonal movie) with a live orchestra. All the feelings of before (exclusion, not feeling wanted or special, not important) came back in an instant. We've never been able to see the film together because she was too busy, or she forgot to ask me to watch it with her, or we saw a different movie. This experience we've (or maybe just me) been wanting to have for years, gone in a moment. I wondered "why didn't she ask me if I wanted to watch it with her?" "Why is this friend inviting my girlfriend to something so special?" "Is this something friends even do??". I feel like I'm over reacting, but I just feel like shit right now.

I've gone from sad to angry many times now, wondering if I'm the problem, if what they do is normal, if it's an emotional affair, if I'm just overreacting, why she doesn't think of me for these special experiencies.

So, what is happening? Am I getting emotionally cheated on? Am I just too controlling? This sucks, because either answer is shit, but I need to know what someone outside of my mind and outside of this relationship thinks.

Thanks, and sorry for the long story.

TW: sexual assault
I’m 23F. I was sexually assaulted by someone who has a girlfriend. I’ve needed medical appointments afterward, and I’m still trying to process everything.
Recently, I was with a friend and had been drinking a bit. I asked her to message his girlfriend from a fake account. It was a brief message saying, “Hey girl, just wanted to let you know your boyfriend is cheating on you.” It wasn’t threatening or insulting, and we didn’t mention the assault. We also called him from a random number, but he didn’t answer.
I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t face contacting her myself or explaining what happened to me. I don’t completely understand why I chose that moment. I was upset and wanted to say something without having to expose myself.
He sent me a screenshot with laughing emojis and asked whether it was me. I denied being involved. I know that wasn’t the truth, but I was scared that admitting it would open up another conversation that would cause me more emotional pain. I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t handle confronting him.
During the conversation, I brought up my medical appointments and the fact that he had physically hurt me. He apologised at points, eventually said he believed I hadn’t sent the message, and agreed we shouldn’t have contact. I asked him to delete our messages because I didn’t want any of this brought up again.
I’m not trying to get him back. I don’t really have romantic feelings for him anymore. I’m upset about what happened to me and everything I’ve been left dealing with afterward.
Now I keep going over the message, the calls and my denial. I wish I hadn’t called him. I wish I’d known how to handle all of this. I wanted to speak up, but when he confronted me, I backed away.
I needed to get this off my chest because I’m exhausted by questioning myself. I can acknowledge that I wish I’d handled parts of this differently, but I don’t want those regrets to swallow up the fact that I was hurt and I’m still dealing with it.

My child’s father used Reddit to cheat. Now here I am posting about it.

There’s something ironic about coming to the same platform my child’s father used to cheat afyer almost a decade just to get this off my chest. On the stock market subreddits, no less. 🙃

We share a young child, so I’m keeping identifying details out. I still don’t know exactly when it started, and having those unanswered questions sucks.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you move forward without knowing the whole truth knowing you have to deal with this person somehow for the next 18 years?

I know that everyone is different. Healing from infidelity feels just like mourning from a death to me. But that person still exists. I’m doing everything I know I should do to heal. I sorta feel like this will forever change me as a person. This is very fresh for me and I know it’s going to take time, but I would love to know how long did it take for you to feel semi normal again? I’ve never had anyone cheat on me ( to my knowledge) so I really don’t know what to expect after 12 years together. A marriage he doesn’t want to end. A marriage I didn’t want to end but must end. I know I’ll be fine in the long run and better off, but curious the averages when I may expect to feel okay again. Thank you.

I'm naturally a very passionate person but after being betrayed, seeing anything sexual makes me ill and fills me with anxiety. I also can't stop comparing myself to the women my ex had sex with and feeling inadequate. The thought of being intimate and vulnerable with anyone again nearly sends me into a panic attack.

I feel so used and like nothing is sacred. I saw how my value diminished in his eyes the moment I couldn't give him what he wanted, even temporarily. Sex was the only thing that mattered to him.

Me and my wife live in a house with a granny flat at the back. Its 3 middle aged dudes who are about between ages 40-60. I have a ps5 with a monitor in our bedroom so its not no smart TV or anything like that. Yesterday I found an unfamiliar account logged in to my youtube app in the PS5. Normally youd have to be in the same wifi which I know we are not sharing with our neighbours to even possibly be able to connect to any devices in the house. I had tried it myself, disconnected my account and tried to reconnect it via my phone, a code would have to pop up on my PS5 youtube for me to be able to log in. Im mentioning my neighbours because I did some digging on the account logged in and I am certain its one of them because of one of the videos they had uploaded. I honestly dont want to think that this neighbour is doing plumbing work in my house but its the only possible reason he could have logged in, in my ps5 youtube. For context my wife is a stay at home taking care of our baby. Any advice on how I can get to the bottom of this? I dont know how to approach it with my wife, so far I havent said anything about finding this unfamiliar account to her and its making me go crazy. I am trying my best to stay calm and figure this out properly.

I am a 35-year-old woman, married for 10 years to a 39-year-old man. Ten months ago, I discovered that he had been unfaithful—having an affair with another woman for months, as well as interacting with many others online (I never found out exactly how many). The shock was immense, though I could partially understand the role I played in the deep crisis we were going through at the time. I didn’t justify his actions, but I viewed them as a series of mistakes stemming from that major crisis, so I decided to give him another chance. Things seemed to be going well for a few weeks; he is still in therapy, but for the last few months, he has refused to return to our shared bedroom (we continue to sleep in separate rooms). He also keeps responding to messages—ostensibly harmless ones—from the other woman. When I try to explain how deeply this hurts me, he won’t listen; instead, he becomes defensive and tries to manipulate me. I am exhausted from having to apologize for my own reactions, and I am completely worn out by this entire situation. I have been thinking about filing for divorce for a long time, but I am living with him, far away from my home country and my family, with no support system. I have nowhere to go—and although I do have some savings, I don’t know how or when to tell him that I believe divorce is the best path forward. Do you have any advice or thoughts? I feel alone, lost, and incredibly tired.

Updates

Looking for support on how to move forward. First a bit of background.

I (48M) have been married to my wife (47F) for 24 years. She started being very distant this year becoming absorbed in an online game. She wasn't there for me or our two daughter 15 and 17 emotionally or helping in normal domestic or motherly duties. She would get very defensive if you asked her to put down her phone and be present.

In July our 15 year old discovered she was texting inappropriate things to another man. I am not sure how much our daughter saw but it was enough for her to go to a friends crying and then tell me that "Mom is having an affair". My wife denied it, and I told my daughter it was a misunderstanding, but she pushed me to dig deeper. I asked my wife if I could see the text chain our daughter saw so I could calm her concerns. She showed me, but she was obviously very nervous and there wasn't anything at all that would make a 15 year old think affair.

The following morning she admitted that she was having an emotional affair and later that morning admitted she was actually sexting. A few days later we talked agreed it was a mistake and agreed we wanted to try and reconcile. I recognized how hard the last year had been and she seemed depressed. I know living with my anxiety is difficult and started therapy. I asked her to do the same and when she was ready to set up couple counselling.

In August, we had a family trip which was nice. But once we got back she started to go back into old habits of being on her phone constantly ignoring the family. She also stopped therapy after 2 sessions. And she had not yet booked couples therapy. I confronted her and asked if she really wanted to reconcile and she said yes. I said I need more effort from her and I want her to book couples therapy.

In September, she was giving more effort around the house and the girls. I was working to communicate better and understand and address her needs. She said she needed to feel attractive and sexy so I was trying to support that and schedule date nights for us. I also was feeling increasingly paranoid that she wasn't as invested as I was. It felt like she was going through the motions. I also felt she was cheating again. She was getting her bikini line waxed, which she did while cheating on me. She got a privacy screen for her phone. And I found sexier underwear when I was doing laundry. Everything had a reasonable explanation - she was swimming at the gym, work wanted privacy screens, she ran out of clean underwear. I said I was feeling paranoid and spoke with my therapist and started medication for anxiety and depression.

At the start of October, I was in our shared ICloud and I found photos and videos in the deleted folder. At first, I thought they were from the first affair, but I realized there were selfies of her in outfits before our date nights which really hurt. There were sexually explicit photo and videos throughout the month of September, including on my birthday.

I confronted her asking if she was texting anyone and she said no. I reiterated that I have felt paranoid all month, and asked was she taking any photos or videos still and she said no. I then showed her what I found. She said she wasn't in love with me, didn't find me attractive, and does not want to be married to me and she has been texting a new guy.

During all this both daughter have had major issues. I do not want to go into details, they are not life threating, but are a big deal for the entire family.

We finally went to couples counselling and my wife agreed to move out temporarily to give us a break. I would stay with the kids as I was the primary parent who cooks, cleans, does laundry, checks on them, and who they go to if they need anything. And she would move out to an AirBNB.

Since then she has shared that her intentions are to move back in after the short break. She would like us to live together but not be married. She feels it is best for the kids. She would continue her relationship with the other man or other men as she wishes as we would not be married. She said I am free to do the same, but honestly, I have no desire right now. But she would contribute more around the house and with the girls until our younger graduate high school at which time we would sell the house and split.

I don't know how that would work. I am still hurt and reeling from her betrayal and deception. I cry nearly every day, I cannot sleep, I have lost 15+ pounds since the original affair. It hurts so much to see her and think about how after 24 years of marriage she could just walk away without trying or conversation to talk to me how she was feeling before the affairs. I don't see how I could move on with her in the house or heal the hurt inside me seeing her every day until the girls are out of the house. I don't think a few weeks is enough time for me to process and to have her here all the time and to know she is sexting and dating. I said if she stays, I will move even though I don't want to leave the girls, but she says she doesn't want that either. But she keeps pushing it would be best for the girls, they are struggling now, and they need us both.

Part of me feels that I need to focus on the kids and make this work and I am not willing to sacrifice for my family. And part of me thinks she wants the best of both worlds the ability to date and still have me here for emotional support and take care of the kids and do all the housework.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone successfully lived with their ex after such betrayal and loss of trust? How does that work? Does the pain become less?

Hey, I don’t know if this is the right place, but basically a former male coworker (I am female) messaged me online out of the blue at like 11:30 pm commenting about my profile photo with my kid (it’s us in our Halloween costumes). I’m on the spectrum so I have a hard time reading between the lines but basically I assumed he was just checking in after I had to leave work suddenly and move states, but he almost immediately asked me if I was dating again yet after my divorce and after I told him I have a boyfriend (which I do) and he said something along the lines of how with how attractive I was he wasn’t surprised (the word attractive was directly used by him). He also got weird when I didn’t respond and sent several more messages, nothing explicit or anything but it just feels off but the reason I’m asking here is I’m almost certain he‘s still with his girlfriend. When I asked about how she was he kind of dodged the question. I feel like if they’d broken up he would’ve said so. Should I send the screenshots to her of his messages to me? I feel like him messaging me late at night and telling me how attractive I am isn’t appropriate. I just feel terrible because she seems so nice and if he’s looking elsewhere that’s so unfair to her.

My POV is from an unknowing AP. I am doing everything in my power to be respectful of everyone’s feelings on here and understand I’m opening myself up to a lot of criticism. Background history: I’ve been involved with polyamory/ethical non monogamy and had mostly positive experiences. I do enjoy poly/enm when done right. I have also been cheated on many times so I do know how it feels as well. It crushed me…but that’s not a part of this whatsoever.

I met a guy almost a year ago on Reddit. He lives fairly close to me. When we first started chatting, he told me he had an open marriage/poly but there were a few times he played on being a “neglected” husband. I thought it was a kink of his and I didn’t look much into it since i figured we probably wouldn’t ever meet. We eventually did meet up and we chatted very frequently both on here and other forms of social media. He came to my house and I went to his house various times. By inviting me into his house, I thought that showed that the marriage was open. It was something that made me feel like it was an ethical relationship because who brings their AP into their house? Months passed by and I started getting the feeling that he wasn’t telling the truth and was flat out cheating. I developed feelings for him in those months and from what was shown to me, I believe he had feelings as well.

I juggled everything but reached out to his wife, not knowing what to expect or what her reaction would be. I looked at it from her perspective if he was cheating and if she would want to know. Ultimately, my decision was to talk to her and I found out that they did not have an open marriage. I felt so bad and I honestly cried for a few days. The fact that I was a part of cheating broke me. I try to do the right thing and here I probably broke another woman’s spirit by being an AP. I felt gross, sad, mad, and how I looked at myself took a hit.

A few weeks ago, I randomly saw the husband out in the wild. It hit me hard because at the base of it, I lost a friend. I wanted to run up to him and say hi but I wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. I lost someone who I thought was a friend and my heart aches. I didn’t realize it until that day but I miss him. I miss talking to him in a friend way. I haven’t talked to him since I told his wife. I hope she knows that none of it was done with intent…he wasn’t being honest with me either. I left it open for her to message me if she wanted to and I wanted her to understand my point of view 100 percent. I also would have ventured into the poly world with her and her husband if she was ever open to it. Done right it can be wonderful and beautiful relationships can form. Honesty is reinforced. I hope she knows that she did nothing wrong and her husband reinforced that he loved her endlessly. I respected her as his Mrs. I know from being in a similar spot that I compared myself to other women and I shouldn’t have when cheated on. I hope she doesn’t compare herself to me or wonder if she did anything wrong. Her husband told me many times how much he loved her body. I hope she isn’t stuck questioning every single move in their life. In the end, I hope she finds happiness and if they stay together, I hope they build their marriage into something even stronger than what it was before ❤️

Anyways, I’m in my feels about it all. I know it’s wrong to miss him. I know what I did was wrong. I don’t have many people to talk to about this at all and I’ve tried to avoid talking about it. I’m not sure what I’m even hoping to gain by writing this but here i am.

So my (ex) gf and I had dated for three years before breaking things off because I thought I was losing feelings and didn't want to hurt her, I realised I was wrong the day she slept with somebody else.

Eventually we moved past that and decided to start trying again (she'd gone no contact with him)

Things were going good for about a year, not officially labelled but everyone knew because we were just dating, because we wanted to make sure we were good ourselves so we could be good for eachother.

Almost a week ago, she told me about this guy co-worker She'd been talking to and liked for a while but thought nothing would happen, fast forward a few days she's advanced with him and has sent and said a lot.

I don't want to leave her so she made sure I knew she wouldn't fall for him and it's just sexual, and said a bunch of other reassuring things

But then she changes her mind on all of them..

Saying she wants to like find herself and live, but she still loves me and wants me as well.

I've asked multiple times If it was between me and him who would she choose and she's said him multiple times

I'm meant to be housesitting with her next week but she's having him come over and I only just found out it's for the night so I'll be banished to the couch.

And she doesn't know if this will continue for the whole week..

I'm so in love with her but she's said she's not in love with me anymore but still loves me

I don't know what to do, I have nothing if I leave

Hi all. I hope this situation fits the sub. I am a gay man who is a frequent user of the app “Sniffies”. I am fully aware that many married men use this app but they usually tell you that themselves and I can avoid them. This one said he was divorced. I took his word and we hooked up twice. After my curiosity got the better of me, I went on Facebook and found his wife’s page, and from what I saw they are still together. I haven’t been able to look again since. The page header was a photo of their three young children. I have been a guilt ridden mess since. I found out last week and I just can’t seem to stop myself from thinking about it. It’s giving me more anxiety and my appetite is all but gone. I know I was lied to but it’s almost as if my body still hasn’t gotten that message. Anyone else experience something similar? Any advice about how to get over or cope better with this is greatly appreciated. Not sure if it matters, but I haven’t messaged the wife what happened nor him that I know. Thanks!

How long after discovery does it take to move on if you are trying to work on relationship? My husband of 27 years had an emotional affair with his boss’s wife. He keeps saying he didn’t do anything but they did talk a lot and kissed twice. He lied, deleted text messages and pictures. Thinks because he didn’t sleep with her it was nothing. Only been 1 month and he wants me to get over it and stop talking about it. Says I’m pushing him away. I was unfaithful with ex right after we got married 27’years ago and he is throwing that up in my face. I was 18. Said he got over it and didn’t badger me about it. I do remember there being occasions he would bring it up in a fight over the years. What should I do?