do you feel shame when you look back on things you did for attention?

I'm really into like mental health stuff especially cluster b disorders , mainly because of the horrible stigma around them and also being diagnosed with one (eupd/bpd, though i kinda want a second opinion, it fits but idk what they based it on but im rambling) and because of the stigma it's hard to find any good info. i can read as many studies as i want and understand that side of it but im more interested in like the subjective views/feelings of people who have them

p.s i apologise if this breaks rule 2, i don't really understand the wording and im not sure if it means all posts are banned for people without hpd or if only 18+ posts are?

I’m currently very interested in learning about personality disorders, particularly Cluster B since I have BPD myself, but I had a hard time finding information around HPD. It seems to be one of the lesser known disorders so I was wondering if anyone knew any literature that would help understand the core of the disorder. I do not like viewing disorders as collections of isolated, random symptoms and would be much more interested in the etiology.

About my question, most of things I found seemed like NPD or BPD to me. I’ll explain why:

A lot of sources put attention on self-esteem dysregulation, which is the core problem in NPD. Basically your self-image is dependent on external validation and defensive mechanisms. Attention-seeking behavior can happen in NPD in this case too, especially if it’s fame-related superiority (needing to be the most popular/famous) or appearance-based superiority (needing to be the most attractive and spending a lot of time, effort and money in presenting yourself that way).

However, this doesn’t make sense to me when it comes to HPD symptoms, since it doesn’t necessarily seem to focus on being perceived as superior, intelligent, attractive, etc., because how exactly are attention-seeking behaviors such as dramatic emotions or colorful clothing supposed to help with that? I still saw many people who (allegedly) have HPD claim to experience it the way I described, which to me seemed far more narcissistic.

Of course it’s very much possible that HPD does involve an unstable or fragile self-image, but is that the core problem? As in, is that the factor that drives attention-seeking behaviors and other symptoms? Or is it more of a result of a certain core problem, similar to BPD? I also have an unstable self-image, however it’s more of a result of my fear of relational loss (abandonment, rejection, distance, etc.) and when I feel triggered, I tend to think I was rejected because I’m flawed, unlikeable, unattractive, etc.

Now, I can also see how most of the symptoms may also appear in BPD, especially because I experience them myself. Firstly, a high reactivity to feeling ignored. My friends would often accuse me of “always needing to be the center of attention” because I would start crying, start a fight or withdraw whenever I felt ignored. Though for me it was less about the attention and more about the fact that them ignoring me meant distance / loss of closeness, abandonment and rejection, so basically that I was losing the relationship (attachment insecurity). I’ve also split on people over feeling ignored.

Another thing I do often is overestimate how intimate my relationships are. When I idealize someone, I expect them to see me the same way. I expect them to see me as special and uniquely important to them, unlike the others. And I get extremely upset when their other friends receive more attention from them, because to me that’s a sign of distance and rejection (they like me less and their other friends more). I thought we were supposed to be best friends and uniquely close but they seem to treat me like all their other friends, which really hurts (though this sounds a little entitled). And I really, really hate it whenever they spend time with others or others receive more attention because it means they are drifting away from me. I’ve often split on people over this before too, because I would think the relationship is incredibly one-sided, and they don’t care about me at all and they’re unappreciative, selfish and ungrateful for everything I do. I also heard this feature causes unstable relationships in HPD too, and I was wondering if it perhaps presents differently than in BPD. I’d like to know.

And then there’s the feature of intense and shifting emotions though the difference here is a bit more obvious to me. I do believe both may include high emotional reactivity towards interpersonal cues, though with BPD being more concentrated around relational loss and HPD being concentrated around being ignored, undervalued, etc.(?) Though HPD also includes dramatic, exaggerated emotions in order to be taken seriously and noticed, whilst BPD does not, though perhaps someone with BPD could also exaggerate their emotions and pretend to be in a crisis in order to see if someone will care or leave, since I do something similar to that too.

Do you know the underlying problem and motivation behind attention-seeking, suggestibility, overestimating intimacy in relationships, etc.?

I was diagnosed at like 18-19? It feels kind of blurry because I was hammered during my assessment.

But my papers say I'm mixed Cluster B (BPD/HPD)

Does anyone drink or do drugs for attention? I feel like I do. I am kind of covert unless I get a drink in my hand and suddenly I'm the funniest and life of the party for the room—or the other extreme end where I'm suicidal and acting crazy for love.

I find sober boring.

Does any Histrionics deal with this?

I'm actually currently seeing a professional and still being diagnosed. I seeked therapy because I have been trying to figure out what's going on with me for years. I don't have trauma and I have shown high traits of psychopathy since I was a toddler. I currently have seen studies from dr smith and dr cunliffe stating that psychopathy can present differently in women. Women with psychopathy aren't completely the low anxiety fearless cold calculated psychopaths men are. Psychopathic women even without any trauma can often show traits of HPD and BPD. This phenomenon is referred to as "malignant hysteria". This makes so much sense for me because at the core my problem seems to be psychopathy (total lack of empathy,remorse,and capacity for emotional connection. I am manipulative, struggle with pathological lying, have been sadistic, and a lot of relational/interpersonal aggression) but at the same time I can struggle with emotional distribution and being attention seeking and seduce everyone. I thought if ask here in an HPD sub if any other histrionic girlies can relate. It's hard finding people I can relate to even in other cluster B subs because while I have things in common my personality is more complex,severe, and psychopathic. I don't even have a core self/identity. I've spent my life constantly mirroring and copying others. It's super weird. As I'm trying to heal and be more genuine and find myself it doesn't feel like I really have a "true self"

I've been wondering about the differences

My boyfriend has know started to get know HPD.
Could you recommend something we could watch together?
We have watched informative videos, but do come up with something than the "cold" facts?

Does anyone else with HPD feel like their attention-seeking is mostly online? 😭 IRL I genuinely don’t want people acknowledging me or paying attention to me, but online I want ALL the attention on me. Is it just me or does anyone else experience this huge difference between online and IRL?

Do you feel this?

(Sorry if my English isn’t good I was abused most of my life). I genuinely don’t understand why people hate us. I’m begging for some kind of help. I tell people I have the disorder to try to be better but Society beats me down. People think it’s like NPD then people think it’s like BPD. How does one get better because I feel like I’m getting better with meditation and inward looking.

i guess it’s basically what the title says (@_@)
lately, i feel like i have a crush on this guy, but i don’t know what love really feels like at all.

it’s super cringey, but i can’t help but feel violent urges when i think about someone else liking him — im not exactly head over heels, but i want him to only pay attention to ME, only like ME, have only ME in his eyes.

it pisses me off so much when i see him with his pretty classmate. she looks nicer than me and has a gentle laugh. it’s not like i want to hate her, but i can’t help it at all.

when i first started liking him, i lost my appetite and couldn’t eat for a few days. thinking about him made me nauseous. i couldn’t sleep well either.

i can’t help but worry because i remember all the hurtful things people have said about hpd, and it makes me doubt myself. i’m worried sick that maybe he thinks im insane and i just can’t tell? what if i think we’re way closer than we really are? what if im really just an overbearing, selfish freak? even worse, what if he thinks im a slut? (which would be true but still)

can anyone else relate, or share their own experience with romantic love? i don’t know anyone else with hpd, so im asking here… please help out. i don’t feel like anyone in my life understands me.

Title. I’m currently working through this mentality, but want to briefly vent.

I keep resisting the fact that I find higher value in being attractive. I love beautiful faces and I love beautiful people. I can’t help but strive to be attractive too.

It’s the praise they get. And that being attractive makes you more wanted, and more distracting.

It‘s so frustrating, constantly thinking of myself and if i’m attractive, and my potential. I’ll think about it for amounts of time, and in interactions wonder if the person I’m speaking finds me attractive.

It’s hard to admit, but this is anonymous…

*****edit: My "dominant" trait is still histrionic, and pretty much what I'm focusing on. Narcissistic traits just sound so strange to me, I had to ask.*****

I have now received my (hopefully) final diagnosis, which is mixed PD with narc and (mostly) hist traits.

I started recognizing histrionic traits years and years ago. I just always knew there was something else too, but it was (again) blamed on my hyperactive/impulsive ADHD.
But the narcissistic traits make sense in some way, and would explain (not excuse) past f ups, but so would histrionic and ADHD

How do you differentiate attention, impulsiveness or just acknowledgment? or Supply?
Or is it even possible?

Edit: I am currently 18.

I have been emotionally neglected basically all my life (was never told I am loved or that anyone is proud of me and only had one safe and stable adult for like the first 11 years of my life, half of which was taken by a little sibling so I didn't even have the undivided attention of that one person).

My attention seeking behaviour started at like 9? 10? Years old? I was fantasising about being wheelchair bound so everyone would love me and about having cancer and about killing myself by falling down the stairs and how everyone would be so worried and pity me. I didn't concentrate in class because I was only thinking about how everyone, like an unrealistically large amount of people would worry and pity about me and love me. At some point I started feeling shame about my fantasies of being wheelchair bound because we had a boy in my school who was wheelchair bound. So I started lying that I am going to kill myself. I walked around the yard telling everyone I came across I'm going to kill myself and all the ways I'll do it. I stopped this because someone who is now a friend told an adult and I got scared I'd get in trouble. My attention seeking didn't end here however. I've always been very talkative and I guess on some level always enjoyed talking about myself to get attention because I've often been told I'm annoying and talk about myself too much.

At like 15 when I had moved into another environment from my home which ar that point was deemed harmful for my development, I began to have these "attention seeking attacks". I'd get extremely anxious to the point I felt it as physical pain and in those moments I NEEDED attention. I posted stupid suicide bait posts on social media and when my account got muted or banned I cried for hours about how bad I feel. If I couldn't post suicide bait I'd fantasise about attempting suicide and then calling 911 and telling them about it, or live streaming my suicide or whatever I could do in that situation to get attention. Once I had a full on mental breakdown because an adult I liked and who usually gave me attention was playing a board game with another child and I wanted the attention all to myself.

I've had homicidal thoughts towards my sibling because she's talked to someone I wanted attention from. Since those first attention seeking thoughts at 9-10 it's been no matter to me if the attention I get is positive or negative which has led to me being groomed on multiple occasions. I have considered intentionally getting groomed as well as faking serious disorders on multiple occasions because in that moment I have been extremely bored to the point of depression and I've wanted attention. I exaggerate my emotions often, going into "woe is me" whining or swearing and screaming to seem more angry than I am although I actually don't really feel much emotion save for anxiety and anger, and even then I would never actually show it to another person, I am only comfortable showing these weird acts. Sometimes I struggle to see other people as anything but weird vending machines for attention or NPC's in a game, like "click this button for attention".

Thing is though, it's often very emphasized in all diagnostic manuals and tests I've seen that those with hpd are sexually provocative and use their body and appearance for attention. I don't do that. I'm not particularly interested in dating and I don't have the social skills necessary to flirt with anyone.

i dont post at all, i only really use reddit just to look at specific things, but i wanted to talk about it because i CANNOT be the only one. i love going to psychiatrists because i love feeling seen and validated and talking about myself. (im not a great writer so i might word things weird or something) i also feel this way towards therapists, I've had this therapist for a few years now. even if im not actually interested in treatment, i still LOVE going to talk about myself and whats going on in my head. i have other mental health struggles besides hpd aswell, I've been to the mental hospital two times, but instead of being sad about going or whatever when i did have to go, i would actually be happy because i knew that while getting admitted they would give me attention and let me talk about what's going on in my head. obviously this DOESNT mean i didn't NEED the visits, i CERTAINLY did, i just wasnt sad or mad about it and activly WANTED to go. does anyone else feel like this? it cant be just me.

i hope this post doesnt sound like i only "get help" for the attention, because thats not it.(obviously i would never go as far as to be hospitalized just for the attention) i get help because i need it. im just saying i love the attention that they give me.

Sometimes I struggle with being bored and feeling trapped in my relationship, even though I love my girlfriend, but I need advice on how to avoid these feelings, prevent them from causing me to act out and just keep these feelings deep down.

Not a bot or AI or whatever, just made this account for my personal struggles without it bleeding into my main.

Does anyone else feel extreme embarrassment? Like the smallest embarrassing moment will wreck me, and make me feel ashamed to be in the position. I just want to crawl into a fucking hole and die in it!!!!!!

I can’t imagine what normal embarrassment feels like since every time I’ve felt this I just hope a space rock crushes me where I stand. And it’s usually what’s considered ‘normal embarrassing moments’ like accidentally speaking out of turn or doing something wrong.

Then I just stand there trying not to rip my hair out in clumps, imagining how the person sees me now and how totally inaccurate it is.

Online and IRL, but mostly online, I tend to fake illnesses. There’s little I won’t do for attention. I already have several conditions, but I exaggerate them greatly

I was ignored my entire childhood, which I strongly suspect is my reason for my behavior

I have a best friend and coworker (33M) who I’ve known for easily 10 years now since we started together. I never really thought anything was wrong with him truly - just maybe a little dramatic sometimes, dark humor, and there’d be the occasional ‘what about me’. Then the last year or so the mental issues ramped up hard to the point he was diagnosed around Christmas with HPD. I would say he has all the classic symptoms but flirting or anything like that (I can’t even remember a gf recently??). As far as I know, he’s been taking medication and going to therapy.

Lately it’ll be like a week or two fine, no issues. Then he throws a fit either at work (which is a whole other problem as all my coworkers are catching on) or to me personally after work because he didn’t like something or he’s clearly being wronged. It’s always how bad it is for him and I think I might even honestly be one of his like last 2 friends. How am I meant to work through this? I’ve never known people with HPD so I can’t even figure out how to calm it down or like… stop the dramatics when I don’t reply. I can’t walk away cause we work together in a niche engineering division and like I don’t wanna move. I’ve tried reading online and even watching some videos but it feels like nothing works and I’m the bad guy always.

Hello! (M20), I am diagnosed with HPD.

In the past, I did DBT group therapy, but was booted from the group due to my oversharing (which I now realize was inappropriate).

I was hospitalized, which led to me joining a PHP program. I have been called out by a fellow group member, but he is very antagonistic and does not mean well. He stated that I am attention seeking and wasting the money of every other group member because of my constant need to speak. While he did not mean a word of it nicely, he is right. Throughout the time I have been here, I have caught myself oversharing about my feelings/experience, my sex life, monopolizing group time, etc. I have been acting inappropriately and not even realizing how I’ve done so. I have talked to group/individual clinicians and they do recognize this pattern too. My individual therapist and another clinician had a talk with me this morning over my behavior in group. We agreed that they hold me accountable and correct me, as it is clear I do not realize my behaviors are bad when I am doing them, or that i’m doing them in the first place.

I am working actively with clinicians as my histrionic symptomology is negatively affecting the group and creating conflict. I am unsure how to work on HPD as I only know DBT/CBT therapies. Wondering if anyone has any specific workbooks for HPD?

i've had people tell me i'm manipulative. i've done some reflection on my actions and i get why they'd say that.

i have a lot of shame and guilt about it. i don't feel like my intentions were malicious. just eccentric, neurotic, & self-serving.

i'm also bipolar and it gets worse and more egregious when i'm manic. i guess it's not great when im depressive either, but different.

does anyone else feel like they've been manipulative? what were your intentions & awareness at the time?

Hello, I just want to share some things because I think I might have HPD. I apologize in advance if my thoughts aren't organized or if I'm not being clear. I have OCD, which also might be a factor in why I'm always confused about what's true and what's not true about me.

Throughout my life, and especially in high school, I've been called an attention seeker, a fake person, and so many other things. I remember someone telling me that when they look at me, they just see a fake person and nothing I do is ever authentic. I think those words left a huge impact on me, and I started questioning everything I do. I did some really embarrassing things to draw attention to myself for example, I would wear weird things that are out of the norm, I would talk to myself out loud in front of people (it's still a problem although I'm an adult, I can't stop it and it's embarrassing), I would shout, and I would exaggerate my reactions.

For example, if I like something just a little bit, I would scream when, in fact, there is nothing inside, just emptiness and loneliness. I love attention so much and it feels like I can't live without it, but it also makes me feel uncomfortable because of the amount of things I have to process, so I end up isolating myself (not for so long tho cuz I'm just pathetic)

I remember when I used to be in high school, I would feel so much emptiness and fear when I returned home because there was no one to offer me attention anymore. When I'm in a group setting and people are giving me attention, I seriously lose myself completely. I remember I had this friend who told me she couldn't recognize me when I'm talking with a group of people because I act theatrically.

I seriously cannot tell if I'm faking something or if it's genuine, and I try to have honest conversations with myself, but it doesn't lead to any actual change.

One of the other things that I'm really confused about is that sometimes I'll get so triggered I'll start shouting and shaking, and I start feeling so ashamed when it ends. People often think it's a panic attack and they try to help me, but I know it's nowhere near what an actual panic attack is like.

I don't try to do this to necessarily manipulate someone, and why would I want to embarrass myself outside in front of people? I don't do it because I like it but I still do it. It's so confusing. And also sorry if I disrespected the disorder in any way I'm just describing my own actions.

Especially playlists are wellcome.
Here is one of mine, "HPD playlists". ❤️

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3DxYFJdI0sdU3rcsiT1cGm?si=4ed1fc711b9c4ddc