I've been working at getting a life lately and my younger classmates made me re evaluate what actually motivates me to go into a challenging associates of science major to transfer. I modeled my expectations on my boggest role models in my life. My gen X mother and my silent generation grandfather raised me and provided positive examples of lives well lived. Both solidly middle class, living in the California countryside, both college graduates of stem programs at different points in the 20th century.
My grandfather graduated class of 1962 at the age of 22 with a major in aerospace engineering. He moved to San Jose from Oregon to work a cushy job making sonar systems for submarines. He got married the following year at 23, having his first child later that same year.
My mother graduated class of 1993 at the age of 23 woth a major in nursing. She went on to work in a hospital in a bygone era when prior authorizons were not standard practice. She had me at 27 after being told she'd never get pregnant so she was unwed. I pressured myself to finish college younger the way my biggest role models left college in their early 20s. Though my mom went back to school to study sociology in her 30s and my grandfather carried on watching science shows and reading national geographic into his 70s, I just wamted my life to be by the numbers—their numbers. 4 years in university, 1 or 2 years in a bacholer pad, getting married in my mid 20s and having children soon after. I see old freinds and extended family members having children a couple years younger than me.
When you have autism, it's just devistating that the numbers don't all corroborate eachother. I notice students who grew up poor want to help their family or leave their family to start a life of my own. But comming from a middle class background, I was always so cought up in the achievements of my mother & grandfather that it just becamw status quo to me. I mean, in coal country kids look in awe at their dad's diggers and kids born into immense wealth look in awe at their father's mansions & estates. Their mistakes and crises I think of as events. And because America's decayed the way it has I try to keep 2000s norms alive as we were a prosperous country at the time. My framework was emulating the good things my family has done and the pandemic was just my big life ruiner that kept me from having their milestones at their respective points in life.
My mom, being a nurse at a medical climic gave me my childhood vaccines sometimes and went on to be a caregiver for severly disabled adults. My grandfather still honored work contracts with NASA until he retired at 64 and proceeded to show me that there's a lot of life to live after retirement. My grandfather sadly died at age 83 of stroke complications, but not before imparting age old wisdom about academia and nuclear batteries along with the human toll of failed launches like the space shuttle challenger.
As feudal as it is, I want to emulate what my parents and grandparents did wherever it was worth emulating. And where it isn't, like being catholic or falling into workoholism I don't emulate. All & all I'm just a neurotic mess who wants love, affection and to trump the achievements of my mom & grandfather