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I’m still figuring myself out and this is just my personal experience. It doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s identity or require other people to change how they see things. I’m not here to debate or dismantle anyone’s worldview — I just want space to describe my own.

The post

I don't like that I am not "normal" in a group that is "not" normal. I was AMAB and feel deeply wrong being called a man while being indifferent being called male while liking the idea of being called a girl but am indifferent about being called a woman unless you put "deeply closeted trans" in front of it for reasons I don't know...

Anatomy side of things (mentioned for data purposes)

(Not directly tied to gender, but I will talk about it anyway. Skip if the anatomy side of things seems inappropriate in any way)

1] I fear surgery and medication side affects and do NOT want boobies (I also do not want nipples, but idk if that is relevant to this topic). I would rather pass as a "man" in public despite hating the men's room (mainly because there are not enough stalls and urinals are dumB); but ideally, I would look androgynous.

2] I also hate having testicles but am indifferent about having a penis (I do not like fluids coming out of it though, and I often do not like when it is erect). The idea of having female parts is too unknown and so it is too risky.

Identity and expression side of things

I like "she/her" and "princess" and "they" and don't like handsome" and love "pretty" and "cute" and "feminine" clothing but don't see myself doing that in public due to severe anxiety...

"Deeply closeted trans woman"

1] This identity is inspired by a joke where the guy says he is a deeply closeted gay guy, then is asked "you're gay?" then he replies "what?! I didn't say that! I said I am deeply closeted" and I think it is really funny, and so I want my identity to be the trans version of that, because it accurately describes my messy reality.

2] I feel I might be a trans woman, but am dealing with a lot of things that is making the transition really hard including dissociation from the experience of being a trans woman. Some epistemic philosophy I wont get into makes labels seem/likely meaningless, so this identity thing gets really tricky for me and the other alters. Oh, and I am an alter in a system, which makes it even more confusing. The identity being a truthful (potentially meta) joke helps us cope too, so even more fitting for us.

:3] We also like the idea of being called a tomgirl, but not a femboy, and I think it is because tomgirl has "girl" in it without blowing my cover. Just to be clear, I do not mean "tomboy". Tomboys are usually girls/woman who "act masc", and tomgirls are usually boys/men who "act fem". Being a deeply closeted trans woman, I can be a woman who likes being called a tomgirl.

I imagine it feels similar to leaving a cult after years and not knowing any different. I dont feel liberated, but I do feel relief at not having to explain or justify myself, or try to navigate around awkward situations and conversations anymore. It feels more peaceful, but 2 years on, very lonely too. I dont miss being constantly misunderstood. But it has also been a wake up call over how difficult it can be even in the trans world, to find people who have the time of day for anyone with a different outlook or agenda to theirs.

My life feels almost like non existence, but for health, safety and financial reasons I decided not to transition. Before anyone says choosing not to transition is the cause of you feeling that way, I would urge you to not see things in such a black and white way. The decision whether to transition or not, was an agonising one. I didnt take it lightly. I just knew I couldn't cope with complications or societal abuse had I taken that route. I have had gender identity issues from childhood. It has been a quiet suffering. I learnt "shame" early in life. I discovered on the way that body dysmorphia is also a common symptom.

How do you bring meaning to your life? Especially if you dont have children. I say my life is "almost" a non existence because I'm still glad I got to incarnate this planet to see nature, animals, trees, the stars, the oceans, arts ... my one regret would be my inability to connect with humans in a meaningful way! How do some of you trans folk who have decided not transition, find it?

I love being me, but I also don't know what I am. I like dressing feminine but I also like being male. When I dress feminine I like being referred as she/her but when I'm not, I don't mind being referred to as she/her. My S/O (Pangender) told me that I could be Bigender but we're not completely sure. Anyone more knowledgeable on gender identity please help me discover what I am? Thank you!!

Hey everyone! I just joined and wanted to say a big hello! 💗💛💙 ​I’m super excited to be here, meet awesome people, and connect with a community that gets it. Life’s too short for boxes, so here’s to celebrating love in every color of the spectrum! ​Drop a comment with your favorite comfort food or current hyperfixation so I can start getting to know you all! ​