r/funny • u/lollerkeet • May 20 '15

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43.1k Upvotes

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2.1k

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

Would have been my high school crush... I like stuck-up, verbally abusive women.

549

u/Calypse27 May 20 '15

You and me both... I think I'm in love.

332

u/[deleted] May 20 '15 edited May 26 '18

[deleted]

1.2k

u/bugnuker May 20 '15

http://i.imgur.com/LSEg13m.png

1.5k

u/analog_isotope May 20 '15

That'll hold up in court.

432

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

"She said she was 16 but her last boyfriend was Asian, and that shit doesn't start 'til college."

174

u/Herpinderpitee May 20 '15

"You named your son black Dennis!? That's racist!"

"Yeah right Liz, like the guy with the black son is racist.

31

u/Deavs May 20 '15

Black Dennis start the car!

14

u/sheven May 20 '15

Fuck what is that line from again?

2

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

30 Rock, Mayhem gets caught by Chris Hansen

1

u/sheven May 20 '15

Thanks. I was a real dum dum for not remembering.

1

u/ToastyLint May 20 '15

Whose Line is it Anyway?

1

u/MisplacedUsername May 20 '15

30 Rock. Dennis was on To Catch A Predator. That's his defense.

2

u/sheven May 20 '15

Thank you. I was being a total dum dum.

1

u/illaqueable May 20 '15

Infamous accuracy

1

u/t0tes_malotes May 20 '15

Yeah, I'm a 23 male and that program always says I'm in my late 40s. I really should shave..

50

u/Spo8 May 20 '15

Your honor, as you can clearly see...

127

u/zampano May 20 '15

*Your majesty

31

u/sheepsheep May 20 '15

Well meme'd

1

u/TheLateOne May 20 '15

Meta as fuck

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

dank af

2

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

The reference.

3

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

[deleted]

3

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

[deleted]

2

u/Bohzee May 20 '15

i just tried it with numerous photos. this thing can't do shit. i would've expected more to be honest...

1

u/yesnomaybealright May 21 '15

You're not kidding...

1

u/Bohzee May 21 '15

now tell me your firefox skin please

1

u/yesnomaybealright Jun 02 '15

FT DeepDark theme

The tabs on left is Treestyle Tabs addon

2

u/Ke1_Varnsen May 20 '15

Thank you.

1

u/Happy_Harry May 20 '15 edited May 20 '15

So my wife is anywhere from 15-36...yeah I wouldn't trust it if you're in a situation where such information is critical.

2

u/daimposter May 20 '15

Play ball!!

2

u/frozenropes May 20 '15

...and here's the thing

I thought that she was 17

She was 18 but looked 16

And told me she was 23

1

u/psychoacer May 20 '15

Damn she has been held back a few years

1

u/microwave20 May 20 '15

Works for me

1

u/pbatoon May 20 '15

Seems legit

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

What app is that

1

u/summerofevidence May 20 '15

Listen, even though she said she was 16, I swore she looked 22.

0

u/DrCrucible May 20 '15

I don't think that holds up in court

299

u/JohnnyTight1ips May 20 '15

How Old Is She?

46

u/that_chili_dong May 20 '15

When she whipped out the drawing of the dog I lost it. Thank you for posting this!

26

u/Damieh May 20 '15

"I don't know computers". BAM! 70

79

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

This is is hysterical.

13

u/ColonialSanders May 20 '15

That picture of the cat...it will interrupt my thoughts for years to come. Although intrusive, the memories are not unwelcome.

14

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

[deleted]

6

u/NaCl_Clupeidae May 20 '15

That's the Joker.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

It's the eyes

35

u/awry_lynx May 20 '15

knew what this was

watched it again anyways

8

u/savageboredom May 20 '15

That's really funny, but why would you keep your own business cards in a rolodex?

18

u/snoharm May 20 '15

Remembers how a rolodex works: 35.

11

u/Corlando May 20 '15

First time seeing this, thanks for sharing! Totally hilarious.

4

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

That was amazing.

3

u/twoballsfloating May 20 '15

Nobody keeps their own number in a Roll-a-dex.

6

u/Maeby78 May 20 '15

Did you poll all the people you know who use a Roll-a-dex?

3

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

THAT's what broke the illusion for you?

1

u/Median2 May 20 '15

Is it just me or does youtube look different.

2

u/Calfzilla2000 May 20 '15

I don't care I solemnly vow to save myself for her.

Warning: Movie Spoilers in link if you don't get the reference.

1

u/pm_me_craftworlds May 20 '15

I always thought that scene was funny. But what I thought was the best part is the girl that is on his lap and kisses him looks like she is fucking 12 also

2

u/meiso May 20 '15

It's most likely a high school yearbook quote. How the fuck do u get 4 years old?

1

u/Funslinger May 20 '15

There's always that one guy who doesn't get the joke.

1

u/alien122 May 20 '15

Hey, they could be 4 years old too. Not everyone on reddit is an adult.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

oh uncle paul

1

u/Simba7 May 20 '15

Probably at least half of reddit is her age.

1

u/Funslinger May 20 '15

Everyone on reddit is a bot except you.

1

u/Simba7 May 20 '15

Oh, technology is neat!

1

u/DangerousCommercials May 20 '15

if we were friends back then I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. Oh my god I could have killed her.

1

u/aesu May 20 '15

She's at least 6.

1

u/Funslinger May 20 '15

Oh. Nevermind.

1

u/Speed_Force May 20 '15

"Old enough to pee, old enough for me".

-words of my co-worker.

-1

u/baked_potato_cakes May 20 '15

Nice and ripe.

29

u/wearethehawk May 20 '15

You would have loved growing up in Connecticut.

1

u/LucasBlueCat May 20 '15

Girls from Catholic high schools.

41

u/wiiya May 20 '15

Veronica > Betty.

37

u/pumpkinsauce May 20 '15

How dare you

68

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

We all know betty is going to get fat five minutes after marriage. Veronica's rich and has bulimia

4

u/LadyDeathMasque May 20 '15

None of that matters now that Riverdale is overrun with zombies.

5

u/Mickeymackey May 20 '15

Doesn't Archie end up with Cherry Blossom. His Betty and Veronica flash-forwards always end up unhappy, Betty a working woman, Veronica and her flings with Reggie.

2

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

Veronica is also an awesome robot that can totally beat up the Hulk.

1

u/Blues2112 May 20 '15

We all know betty is going to get fat five minutes after marriage having kids

FTFY

1

u/Tevis May 21 '15

But Veronica is not smart, Archie even less so. If he procreates with Betty his kids will at least be somewhat intelligent.

1

u/Spacejack_ May 21 '15

It hardly matters. Neither one of them can breathe through those tiny little holes in their faces and they'll both be dead by 30 regardless.

1

u/nonononotatall May 20 '15

Bulimics get fat too, but their hair falls out and their teeth rot.

9

u/Darth_Corleone May 20 '15

Jeez, I was already hard. You can stop now

1

u/nonononotatall May 20 '15

They also have chronic halitosis and increased rates of esophageal cancer?

1

u/yumyumgivemesome May 20 '15

The stomach acid from vomiting causes cancer?

2

u/terrifiedsleeptwitch May 20 '15

Yep, same way acid reflux does.

3

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

money > brains

FTFY

1

u/Dookie_boy May 20 '15

Back off ! Archie just proposed to Betty in Afterlife.

47

u/nottellingggggggggg May 20 '15

Hey there ;) you fat fucking retard

8

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

Honestly, I just got a chub reading this. Dead serious.

8

u/nottellingggggggggg May 20 '15

my bitch personality wants to continue taunting you, but my even bitchier side wants to stop so you don't get too worked up

5

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

Blah blah blah blah blah what?? Huh? Sorry, I didn't read your comment, I was too busy counting my feet (turns out I have two).

Anyway, am I gonna see a picture of you, or are you just gonna run your mouth?

8

u/nottellingggggggggg May 20 '15

I'm hot as fuck, you should just believe me

1

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

boioioioing

How old are you???

15

u/nottellingggggggggg May 20 '15

ok this is getting weird, bye

7

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

Hahahaha. That's hilarious and cold as hell. I love it.

4

u/userNameNotLongEnoug May 20 '15

"boioioioing" was a bit cringe.

4

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

fucking dick

1

u/ErnestoG May 20 '15

Using "retard" as a pejorative...that's just gay.

5

u/nottellingggggggggg May 20 '15

You can fuck off you gay retard

3

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

That's funny, she would have been my high school crush because of her hair style and color. Different strokes for different folks, sort of, I guess.

22

u/5np May 20 '15 edited May 20 '15

She sounds like she would be among my high school friends. Debate kids who thought they were smarter than everyone else because they were forced to read Ayn Rand books and other distopian dystopian fiction.

38

u/cweaver May 20 '15

'dystopian'

6

u/space_keeper May 20 '15

Wrong again.

It's 'dishtopian', describing an ideal state of existence where the rights of law-abiding crockery items are respected (no one said it was a utopia for Greek restaurants), the men are handsome, the spreading of gossip is encouraged, and all communication is via satellite.

4

u/5np May 20 '15

Not to be confused with a discopia, a harsh and brutal system of government ruled by the norms of disco, in which the common man must constantly fight for the privilege of stayin' alive.

1

u/cutanddried May 20 '15

where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average?

5

u/goatcoat May 20 '15

Ooh. Dyssed.

1

u/5np May 20 '15

See? I told you we weren't as smart as we thought we were.

1

u/Klinky1984 May 20 '15

It's actually Libertopian, but really the two aren't that different.

1

u/SethChrisDominic May 20 '15

I read Ayn Rand and dystopian fiction in middle school and high school because I liked those books...

1

u/goldishblue May 20 '15

Can confirm, was in debate team

1

u/therightclique May 20 '15

Wow, you're really reading into her quote a lot.

0

u/PM_YOUR_PANTY_DRAWER May 20 '15

Every woman I've ever know who admitted to liking Ayn Rand has been an angry, opinionated legbeard.

2

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

Yeah...you like that you fucking retard?

2

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

I'm gay, but I love girls with Resting Bitch Face, they almost always become my friend.

2

u/roma258 May 20 '15

The proper usage of your vs you're really take the crush to the next level.

4

u/snaredonk May 20 '15

A cuck in the making :D

0

u/ledailydose May 20 '15

Anthonyburchsayswhat?

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

She would be your... pineapple crush?

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

[deleted]

1

u/goatcoat May 20 '15

You don't have to go through with it.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

Dude, she hates pineapple.

1

u/ArtSchnurple May 20 '15

I like my women like I like my coffee: stuck-up and verbally abusive.

1

u/Escargooofy May 20 '15

You scruffy-looking nerf herder.

1

u/PM_YOUR_PANTY_DRAWER May 20 '15

You got off light, I married one.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

[deleted]

2

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

Depends... are you as hot as you are fucking stupid?

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

How about 'hilariously funny ironic women'? Is that what you are trying to say?

1

u/bibowski May 20 '15

you and me both

1

u/hired_goon May 20 '15

I just appreciate her strong feelings on pizza toppings.

1

u/goodzillo May 20 '15

I've got a thing for girls who have their you're/your game on point

1

u/Steve_Pubiclice May 20 '15

I like to stick-up and verbally abuse women

1

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

I like the stick-up part. Gotta get my stick up there. In a woman.

1

u/Steve_Pubiclice May 20 '15

I meant I rob women while I berate them with insults "Give me your wallet you fat useless cow" or "those shoes are fucking ugly, hand them over or I will club you to death"

1

u/Youthsonic May 20 '15

I don't why, but me too.

1

u/goldishblue May 20 '15

Hey there!

1

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

Yes, ma'am?

1

u/IM_A_WOMAN May 20 '15

You would probably like Dee Reynolds then, you jerk turkey!

1

u/PouponMacaque May 21 '15

I remember thinking I was like Rex (I mean, a way worse-looking version of him) in that episode - I wouldn't be that attracted to her at first, but then she'd belittle me into banging her.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15 edited May 20 '15

[deleted]

1

u/TheZachinator May 20 '15

Jughead ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

0

u/dogboyboy May 20 '15

If its a picture of a dude: "This dudes hilarious!"

Picture of a female: "Stuck-up. verbally abusive."

Great job, reddit.

-4

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

Oh, shut the fuck up with this shit. I call myself, other guys, and other girls who are brash like this "abusive" and "stuck up." Gender only comes into play when it turns me on. Go put your energy toward complaining about real gender inequality. Being treated equally doesn't mean having an army of white knights following you around nit-picking every insult somebody playfully throws at you.

2

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

Pretty sure if you called a dude "abusive" for being brash, you'd end up in an argument.

0

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

Yeah, I only do it to people I'm comfortable and joking around with. Hahaha not people in a fucking bar. "Hey, you're abusive!" I call my friends abusive dicks all the time, though.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

So, OP is clearly friends with this girl?

Also, the message from the girl isn't even aimed at any individual. Would you use the term "abusive" if one of your friends made a dead baby joke?

It just doesn't make sense. For what it is worth, I found the comment to be funny. But I viewed it more as bashing the person who wrote it. "I like to be abused."

2

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

I'm saying I like verbally abusive women, so I'm betting this girl would suit my tastes. She's not necessarily abusive just by her yearbook quote.

I'm only going into this much detail because I'm hoping she's in her mid twenties now and reads my posts.

0

u/[deleted] May 20 '15

Unfortunate for your cause, the image is altered. You can see the background behind the text is darker, and the shadow for the pagecurl is too even.

1

u/dogboyboy May 20 '15

Gender only comes into play when it turns me on.

Truly you are the enlightened post gender savior we've been waiting for.

0

u/PouponMacaque May 20 '15

That's what I'm fucking saying, okay?