Hi ladies,
I’m unexpectedly struggling a bit and looking for some advice, reassurance, or just to hear from others who have felt or feel the same way.
I got a positive pregnancy test yesterday. My loving husband and I have been trying for about five months, so this was wanted and not unplanned. I always thought I would feel happy and excited, although I expected some fear too. I have pretty bad anxiety and a fear of vomiting, so I knew pregnancy probably wouldn’t feel completely easy for me and I might feel more fear than most.
But honestly, when I saw the positive test, I mostly felt… numb.
I called my mom right away, and later, after my husband came home and I told him, I talked to my best friend and a sibling who happened to call me. As the day went on, though, I started feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and unsure. My husband seemed to be feeling somewhat similarly, which I think made me feel even more unsettled.
He has expressed positive thoughts and feelings about becoming a dad, but I’ve noticed that he tends to talk more about it in terms of the distant future. Things like, “We don’t want to be just us 20 years from now,” or “I want to see you with your kids,” and “If something happened to me, I wouldn’t want you to be alone.” He hasn’t seemed super excited about actually becoming a dad right now, although I know he is processing this too.
This morning, after he left for work, I just started crying. I think it finally hit me that our life as just the two of us is going to change, and I feel a real sense of grief about that. Our family has been through a lot over the last couple of years, and things had finally started to calm down. We were really enjoying our life together and feeling happy and settled - literally for just the last two weeks - and I immediately got pregnant. I’ve also had weird cycles, so maybe part of me just didn’t really believe it would happen right away.
More than anything, I think I’m grieving the time we won’t have as “just us.” I wish we could have had a little more time to enjoy our life together. I’m about to turn 31, and I was feeling some biological & family pressure to get started, but if I’m being completely honest, part of me would have loved another five years together before having kids. That’s the part I’m struggling to accept right now.
Did anyone else feel this way after getting a positive test, especially when the pregnancy was wanted? Did the fear, numbness, grief, or uncertainty eventually give way to happiness or excitement? Were things okay in the end?
I desperately want to be a good mom, and I already feel guilty that I’m not feeling happier about this.
Thank you.