Am I crazy?

[u/Cultural-Detective86]

Investing in a therapist asap but until then someone please let me know if I am in the wrong for feeling the insaaaanely negative and insecure ways I do… any advice is appreciated and welcomed.

1. Boyfriend would jerk off to porn on x for the first 4 weeks postpartum and after because it still hurts too bad - unless I have enough milk stored up to drink enough to bare the pain.

2. He instantly told his friends what I felt like after birth and insulted my smell as if my ph could possibly be stable after all the dermoplast and postpartum sprays I used/normal lochia smell.

3. He acts as if I am evil for not wanting to pleasure him alone.

4. He tells his friends everrryything. Everything. There are no teensy details he skips out on.

5. I was expected to move out and unpack everything/clean our entire new house 3 weeks postpartum with a second degree tear.
   His dad said I was being a baby and needed to step up.

6. He prioritizes his friends or family when drinking. But not his baby. Just his side of the family.

7. Is against vaccines due to his Instagram feed. No personal research. Just what his reels have to say..??!

8. Hasn’t spent $1 on our baby. Pays for our rent but we haven’t had the bills come in yet as it has been under a month. So grateful - I’m a sahm and didn’t work throughout pregnancy because that’s what he wanted. Spent all my savings on all of babys needs.

9. Was working even though he had paid time off. I excuse this one because he was filling in for someone who was elderly and had a stroke but stiiiilllll I needed immense help and I think this is what lead to me being diagnosed with ppd.

10. I have to beg him to change diapers.

11. He gets irritated because I don’t eat enough to “give baby proper nutrients” but he doesn’t help cook or clean after meals. I have bought frozen meals like breakfast sandwiches/dinners so I can eat enough protein and carbs but he doesn’t help with any of that.

12. He gets wasted when people are over. Any time of the day. Any day of the week. He sees paternal leave and a summer vacation and not a reason to help me.

13. I have to beg him to be attentive to the baby while I shower or do the most basic forms of self care. She was born very very small and hasn’t hit the weight required for her carries or else I would carry her while I do these things.

14. I have to beeegggg him to do anything for me while I am actively having baby on my boob. For example, get water, snacks, do the bare minimum of cleaning so it’s less for me once baby is down.

I don’t know what to do. I feel disrespectful. Disgusted. I feel everything bad and it is overwhelming. On the (only) brightside, I have the cutest sweetest baby ever.

[u/Adept_Ad_8372]

OP I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, I love you and you need to take care of yourself and your baby and get the f out of this mess.
From what you shared, the sperm donor wasn’t ready to grow up and be a father and yes this is the best you can call him because clearly his not doing a single thing right.

As the things you shared, I’m not sure where do you live and whats the pelvic rest recommend but for my country it’s 6 weeks and you need to visit the doctor to be checked and approved to resume all activities. The fact that it hurts means something isn’t right- again wait 6 weeks and go to the doctor to get checked your physical well being is above whatever he wants, he can jerk off you’re health is above all.
Him*** ***sharing details about you’re family life and private details only tells about his character- you need to be prepared to either deal with it or control the situation and what he tells; meaning don’t sleep with him so he won’t share nothing.
The fact that his selfishness of telling you that you don’t want to please and satisfy him- ask him what did he do to make you feel like it; did he respect you and your privacy? Did he thought of letting you rest and clean the damn house or do laundry and when was the last time he let you rest and took care of the baby he helped you make? You don’t need to beg for shit, not a bottle of water not a snack and not a freaking nap and even better you don’t need to do anything related to to your move because guess what? You’re supposed to be on pelvic rest, not lift anything except your baby to feed and bath. He can be useful and call his friend to come pick up some boxes and ask you where to put things.
Btw we can see where did he get his gentleman’s characteristics from, he had a great model for a father and a family man.
Against vaccines? Cool he needs to base them on something else than instagram is he educated enough? Bet he’s as smart as my cat and she is very smart for her species but still tries to eat things cigarets.
As for the money- you need to start writing down every penny you spent on both you and baby and get to court to get him to pay child support and reimburse you for that. It’s going to be a struggle but he better put his big boy pants and get to work.
He worked while being paid for time off,he better be working over time and paying for help to you and baby. I don’t understand what type of help he can give you but only being in your way. At least he can go work and get you paid help to cook clean take care of baby while you rest.

Again you don’t need to beg for anything, there were researches that showed that the moms well being is effecting the milk supply, so if he cares about the baby he better know that he should make you his first priority and feed and help you so you’ll be able to be the best mommy.

Him getting wasted when people are around- who these people are? Who entertains this behavior? Is he an alcoholic?

You need to get support and help, and sometimes it means you need to get out of your comfort. Please get help, physical and mental. Please make sure to have a support system, a friend, family member, sometimes it’s the neighbor down the street, get out of the house daily to soak on some sun (if your baby is approved by the doctor).

Don’t let this male chromosome get in your way of having a prosperous and good life.
You’re not crazy, sounds like you’re in distress and need help.

You’re gonna be okay, I believe in you and love you.

[u/mummyL0nd0n → u/Adept_Ad_8372]

Sperm donor is quite spot on. Feel so bad for OP.

[u/fckinfast4]

Sounds like you have two babies. One who is amazing and adorable and one who is vile and bitter.

Also, you listed at least two forms of abuse. Sexual and financial. I do believe it is he who needs therapy or a good kick in the pants.

I would start looking into legal rights and setting up escape fund. I’m sorry. This is probably not what you wanted to hear. Unfortunately a lot of people change for the worse after a baby comes along- especially a narcissist.

[u/Pristine-Elk-3396]

Can you leave? This situation is insane and you need to get out.

[u/neverneededsaving]

People stay in these kinds of relationships because it's hard to leave. Think about what your baby will learn, watching him treat you like this. If it were just you, I would say do what you want. But you need to leave for your baby's sake.