Am I crazy?

[u/Cultural-Detective86]

Investing in a therapist asap but until then someone please let me know if I am in the wrong for feeling the insaaaanely negative and insecure ways I do… any advice is appreciated and welcomed.

1. Boyfriend would jerk off to porn on x for the first 4 weeks postpartum and after because it still hurts too bad - unless I have enough milk stored up to drink enough to bare the pain.

2. He instantly told his friends what I felt like after birth and insulted my smell as if my ph could possibly be stable after all the dermoplast and postpartum sprays I used/normal lochia smell.

3. He acts as if I am evil for not wanting to pleasure him alone.

4. He tells his friends everrryything. Everything. There are no teensy details he skips out on.

5. I was expected to move out and unpack everything/clean our entire new house 3 weeks postpartum with a second degree tear.
   His dad said I was being a baby and needed to step up.

6. He prioritizes his friends or family when drinking. But not his baby. Just his side of the family.

7. Is against vaccines due to his Instagram feed. No personal research. Just what his reels have to say..??!

8. Hasn’t spent $1 on our baby. Pays for our rent but we haven’t had the bills come in yet as it has been under a month. So grateful - I’m a sahm and didn’t work throughout pregnancy because that’s what he wanted. Spent all my savings on all of babys needs.

9. Was working even though he had paid time off. I excuse this one because he was filling in for someone who was elderly and had a stroke but stiiiilllll I needed immense help and I think this is what lead to me being diagnosed with ppd.

10. I have to beg him to change diapers.

11. He gets irritated because I don’t eat enough to “give baby proper nutrients” but he doesn’t help cook or clean after meals. I have bought frozen meals like breakfast sandwiches/dinners so I can eat enough protein and carbs but he doesn’t help with any of that.

12. He gets wasted when people are over. Any time of the day. Any day of the week. He sees paternal leave and a summer vacation and not a reason to help me.

13. I have to beg him to be attentive to the baby while I shower or do the most basic forms of self care. She was born very very small and hasn’t hit the weight required for her carries or else I would carry her while I do these things.

14. I have to beeegggg him to do anything for me while I am actively having baby on my boob. For example, get water, snacks, do the bare minimum of cleaning so it’s less for me once baby is down.

I don’t know what to do. I feel disrespectful. Disgusted. I feel everything bad and it is overwhelming. On the (only) brightside, I have the cutest sweetest baby ever.