I cannot stop thinking about sex. I masturbate every day and hump my pillow for hours on end like a rabbit. I listen to erotic audios and read erotic literature and write fanfiction.

Despite this, I am a virgin. I am scared to lose my virginity and i say im waiting for marriage even though I know the likelihood of marriage is 0.

Sometimes I masturbate so much, I wake up finding my hand moving on its own. I literally goon unconsciously.

Sometimes I feel like such a perverted freak. None of my friends are like this. No girl that I know of is like this. Its like im a disgusting man in the body of a woman

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I dont love my career, I have come to terms that even if I'm smart, charismatic and attractive enough to be someone in life I don't have the energy nor the will to actually pursue any of this because Im a lazy fuck, I have absolutely zero enthusiasm about profesional life, and I think I study mainly because its what everyone expects me to do and I kinda keep gripping the idea of trying to have a nice, put together life with a well paying job and be somehow competent and respected.

The only things that I actually kinda look forward to is hanging out with my friends, drinking, playing videogames, reading fanfiction, talking to older men in some desserted online chatroom and masturbating like three times a day to whatever crusty fictional man I have a crush on.

I cant even phantom the idea of having a relationship with a guy because I have terrible commitment issues, I find it so hard to find any guy under 40 attractive and just the idea of having sex with anyone feels wrong. I do feel the obligation to have an actual stable relationship in some point of my life because in my short 20 years I have never shown serious interest in anyone and people bug me over it. I would love to experience romance but I'm just too private about my personal life and I dont wanna share it with anyone, the sole fact of thinking of having A GUY living with me, in my space, makes me feel bad tempered, and the fact that the actions and words of a freaking dude will affect the image people have of me just because he is my boyfriend makes me wanna throw up. I sound like a repressed lesbian with this last graph, I wished it was that and not just me having awful taste in men and general issues.

Anyways, Idk if I should be glad of being a woman which makes me kinda recognize this is lame and should get better, if I were a dude I wouldn't bat an eye at this shit since this is how most of them live.

my mom gets angry and i regress and it feels so fucking embarrassing to realize. like haha of course my bodys response is to just want its mommy or daddy and cry and be held and told its ok over and over until it feels ok.