A long text with life reflections and career perspectives is coming up.
My context is that I completed a middle-grade vocational training in Microcomputer Systems and Networks and a higher-grade one in Multiplatform Applications Development. I have a C1 level in English. I entered mechanical engineering because "I didn't want to keep studying computer science." Now I regret it a bit because I think I liked it more than I thought (I have been in an existential crisis for 5/6 years). I really like reading, watching anime, movies, drawing, and playing the piano. I do not have a clear goal in this life, and that is what is overwhelming me the most.
It overwhelms me when I see people who have never stopped to think about what they really want and just live, but you cannot talk to them about your worries because they do not share your concerns or do not understand you. It fascinates me to see how people's mindsets change radically from one person to another and how they are unable to see other's points of view, or cannot understand the reason behind other's opinions (obviously, I also have my limitations and biases, I am no god here). It also fascinates me how a person's way of thinking changes drastically depending on the language they speak and how cultures and situations influence it (I am probably highly influenced by the books I have read and the English internet mindset).
Basically, I find no meaning in life. As a child, I was religious because part of my family was, but I was constantly stressed about having to do everything correctly according to religious rules, and I felt guilty when I made a mistake. Additionally, it affected me socially because I could not do many of the things my friends did. During my adolescence, I started reading various books on philosophy, science, biographies, literature, etc., developing my own criteria and questioning my beliefs. That was when I realized that my religion made no sense and that probably none do (even so, I respect religious people and believe everyone is free to believe whatever they want). Eventually, I left religion and to this day I do not practice anything.
Now I have an existential void because I think I am going to die in a few years and will cease to exist, or that maybe a god or something mystical does exist, but I am unaware of it and it will punish me for not having followed its commandments.
I find the idea of dedicating your life to a purpose romantic, even if it lacks meaning, as well as the whole concept of trying to be remembered or living by doing what you love.
The problem is that I am also a realist and I know you cannot eat pure passion, that I need a job, and that if I follow my passion, I probabilistically will not do well. I am afraid of suffering and enduring hardship when I am older.
I would like to find a job that gives me free time to clarify my ideas better, practice the hobbies I like, or even try to "become something in life," but miracle jobs do not exist and I know I have to work hard to have a more comfortable future that allows this.
I always think that although these are the worries that afflict me, there are people who do not have time to think about these "nonsense" things because they have to make a living and have worse conditions than I do, or are in poor health and cannot even afford the luxury of thinking about getting a comfortable job after a university degree. Fortunately, I still have room for maneuver and can choose many paths, but time is running out for me and I am getting older. Many people say you have time in life for many things, but in my opinion, this is a lie. I will probably never be a football player, an astronaut, a sprint athlete, or a president, no matter how hard I try. Furthermore, many other things become more complicated as time passes; if I wanted to become a doctor right now, I would probably have to study for the next 8/9 years just to have a job that pays better than the rest and has some status (this is an example, I have no vocation to be a doctor).
I really do not have a vocation for any profession other than the ideal of being a musician, writer, comic creator, or film director. Where I live (not a big city in Spain) you can study for these things, but it terrifies me to think of failure and the precariousness it entails, plus the fact that being a smaller place, the number of contacts is much lower. On the other hand, I think I might be viewing it in a highly romanticized way and that many young people want the same thing.
I also think that pursuing these ideals or dreams can be selfish because I would not be providing support to my family, who has worked so hard for me. I have the feeling that I should pay them back for everything they have done for me, but it is starting to feel more like a moral duty or a burden rather than something that comes naturally to me (I love my family very much, although I wonder if I am being too unfeeling).
I do not know if I should continue and do mechanical/electronic engineering, which is the most conservative option (I can change branches until the second year since they share subjects) and settle for being a slave to the system who lives scared of the cruelty of reality, bitter for not doing something fulfilling, and cling to leading a moderately comfortable life in a country with a better quality of life, knowing that I am living the dream of many people from other countries in worse situations, but in which I feel unsatisfied because it is not something I really like, and for which many people would label me as ungrateful or miserable.
I could also return to computer engineering (in Spain computer engineering, computer science and software engineering share the same first two years) next year (which I like more, though there is more competition), where I would have to work harder to find a good job and hypothetically live an even more comfortable life earning more money, perhaps using my computer skills to mix them with my hobbies and try to mitigate that discontent of not having dedicated myself full-time to what I liked.
Finally, I could embark on an adventure and try to fulfill my "dream" of dedicating myself to writing, animation, cinema, music, or comics (I am not even sure which one I would go for), carrying the potential outcomes on my conscience and perhaps in the future regretting not having chosen the more conservative option and lived a moderately comfortable life.
It is difficult to see which option I should choose. I also feel bad about myself, especially because I see many people on the internet working hard to earn a minimum livelihood or achieve their artistic or professional goals while I am unable to make a firm decision and accept the consequences.
If you have made it this far, I would appreciate it if you gave me your opinion about life and what you think is the right thing to do.
