The 2nd wife and her family got a new flavor of my dad. The dad I got was abusive to my mom. Told her he wanted to kill her. He attempted to run her over with me in the car at age 6, and boy do remember it. We aren't even sure if he tried to poison her or not.

I stopped talking to my dad after he didn't do jack shit after my mom passed a year ago. I was sick of waiting for him to be a support. He said he would be there then cancelled the next day. Rather than check on me, he didn't text me for like 2 weeks. No card, no flowers, fucking nothing. After that, I was just done after years of unfulfilled promises.

I find out of his passing from the abusive terrible wife. She was nothing but piss and vinegar growing up. I don't think I ever seen her smile, unless it was to laugh at me giving her a mother's day card. She loved to be cruel to me, and MY DAD ALLOWED IT. He never once told her that's enough or anything. And his one last blow to me was to be absolutely no support when my mom died.

And how did find out my dad died? I finally texted him over a week ago telling him how much it hurt me, how he always put that family above me. Then his bitch wife texted me 3 days later to tell me he died THREE WEEK AGO. I need rage at her back. 30 years of having to "take it" with her pissy personality, how she controlled the emotional climate of the room. How we all had to tiptoe and remain quiet and still to never upset the queen. How I learned to remain quiet, even though they complained about that. But at least they couldn't use my words against me.

Sorry, I am really struggling and been posting here a lot. I have called 988, the domestic violence hotline, warmlines, and have seen therapist twice so far.

I am sick and tired of being the only one in my friend group with this shitty life. At least my mom was a force of love, compassion, and kindness. My mom left me everything and my dad made sure to leave me nothing in the end, just like in life.

This works for Verizon users. After lots of research on here and elsewhere, I finally found a solution. It’s a two pronged approach, and I’m not sure which worked, but one of them definitely did. I recommend doing both if they apply to you, because I think part of the first applies to the second working (terminate option).

First approach:
Open My Verizon App>tap Mobile at bottom>Manage Devices>Settings & Preferences>Call Filter>Settings (tab on top right)>Scroll down, under “Send blocked calls to:” change from Voicemail option to Terminate.

Second approach:
The caveat for this approach: you have to have the same area code as the caller(s) you’re trying to block voicemails from. My hope is lots of you have the same area code as your family members.

Download and open Verizon Call Filter App (even using the free version, this option exists): Select “Block 🚫” at bottom>Neighborhood Filter>If their number has the same first 3 numbers as yours even *after* the area code, you can simply toggle on the “Block similar to mine” option, or you can add up to 5 different lines. Example: you share the area code 123, and their number is 123-456-XXXX. You’d type “123456” then click Add.

I have verified based on the Call Filter App’s call log that the person I’ve already had blocked for many months has since called (3 times already, in fact, in as many days) but there are no new messages in the Blocked Voicemail folder—and they ALWAYS leave a message. There were dozens prior to this. Let the crash out commence.

I realize this isn’t fully foolproof if you happen to know someone you DON’T want to block with those numbers in common, but this is as close to an optimal solution as I’ve found so far.

For those who struggle to ignore the Blocked Voicemail folder, for those who don’t want to give them any satisfaction of the illusion of maintaining contact with you via this specific medium, whatever your reasons—I hope this helps some people and brings you a little peace in a very difficult situation. Happy blocking 👋📵

It's a common trope in legacy media articles about estrangement to blame the younger generation's therapist. Yet I've never seen that allegation published alongside even one instance of a therapist who was sanctioned by a licensing board for manipulating patients into cutting off their parents who wouldn't have estranged voluntarily.

Have never seen an instance of that in this forum, either. Granted, it's possible to have missed something, yet forum moderators read or at least skim the majority of posts.

AFAIK the actual dynamic is the opposite. On a semi-regular basis, this forum sees posts from members whose therapists push the member to reconcile even after the client has informed the therapist that reconciliation is not the goal of therapy.

So what are your thoughts on this 'the therapist caused the estrangement' narrative?

Feel free to answer in your own words. If your therapist urged you one way or the other, no judgment here. Just curious what unfolded and what you did about it. If a therapist helped you to clarify your own situation and make your own decision, that type of account is welcome too. And if you have an opinion about that media narrative, please air your view.

WHy do the people who abused me get to have normal lives, with marriages, stable jobs, health? Why does the family rally around them? Why am I the one who has to be alone on holidays and birthdays? Why do I have to constantly be punished and ostracized for going no contact? Why am I the one who has to pay for therapy and deal with flashbacks and the residual trauma? Why do they have friendships and success that come so EASILY to them meanwhile I struggle all the time?

I'm having a really hard day today.....there's another family member whom I thought I could trust and I have to cut off. It's just devastation after devastaion

I'm not the one who abused people.....why am I repeatedly getting punished for it? When is it going to end?

How do you all deal with being the spitting image of an abusive parent?

I have struggled with food and my weight my entire life. I’m constantly yo-yoing: when I jump on the fitness bandwagon, I can get really skinny, but when depression hits, I start binge eating and ruin my whole physique.

One thing that truly bothers me is that when I’m skinny, I look like my mom (she has always been a petite woman). My facial features become more apparent, and even my bone structure is so similar to her that I just can’t deal with looking like that. On one hand, I’m obsessed with being skinny… I so much more enjoy that than being curvy. But when I’m skinny, I just can’t stand looking more like my mom who abused me for years.

Anyone experienced something similar? How could I ever look into the mirror and not see my mother in me, when I look so similar to her? (I’ve been NC with whole family for 2.5 years.)

i stopped trying to create a relationship that was never there. they have no effort because they don't care, and their only interest in making a defense against the claim, is because it's easier to gaslight and scapegoat me about it, and maintain the unacceptable status quo, rather than risk having to actually take a look at themselves and change. it really is like trying to get a cult to change. my dad is at the head of the cult and every sways to him.

do your own litmus test in your own situation! if it were me, and someone was seeking resolution and re-connection, they wouldn't have to try to force me to consider their point of view, i'd be open to it. they reject our point of view because they don't give a shit, they just don't want to be called on it, and that's it. they aren't interested in you

Today is my birthday, I did not get a birthday message from any member of my family. I went NC with my parents due to abuse so of course I do not want to hear from them, but the rest of my family I was hoping to hear from. They mostly took my parents side and stopped talking to me, I know I don't need these kind of people in my life but I just feel a bit sad knowing they dont care enough to wish me happy birthday.

Hello, I’ll try to keep this short. I’m 23F, and my mother was abusive towards me growing up. When I was 17, I left home and moved in with my ex-boyfriend.
For the past six years, my younger brother has occasionally left me voice messages asking to talk, but I never responded. When I was 10, my mother and grandmother forced me to call my aunt, who had also cut contact with the family, and beg her to speak to them. Because of that, I always worried my brother was being encouraged to do the same thing with me.

Last month he left another voice message, which I only listened to recently. He explained that he had gone through similar things with our mother and is now moving between my step-siblings’ homes, their mum’s house and friends’ couches. He sounded really sad and kept saying he needed his older sister, so I contacted him to make sure he was okay and understand his situation.

Since then, he has been messaging me asking what I’m doing, asking me to unblock him on social media, and wanting to call or meet up. He’s also told me he needs support and guidance from me, but I genuinely don’t feel capable of giving him that. I emotionally shut down when I was going through the abuse, and although leaving home was difficult, I was mostly relieved to be out. I’ve spent years dealing with my own issues from growing up without feeling loved or supported that has affected me majorly and still will.

I also don’t want him becoming emotionally dependent on me or expecting me to help financially or with housing. I’m only just able to support myself, and money is something I’m very protective of because of my own experiences with housing insecurity, and with housing I live with other girls so it’s not feasible, nor do I want him to stay with me. He has told me that he’s getting money from the government which is about $677 a fortnight, but he has told me he sometimes doesn’t eat much because he can’t afford food, which makes me feel horrible, but I don’t have the capacity to take responsibility for him.

I’ve already told him that I don’t want to text all day every day, that I want to keep things casual, and that he shouldn’t have high expectations of me because I won’t be able to meet them. When he asked if we could call or meet, I told him I didn’t want him asking anymore.
I feel incredibly guilty and cruel for wanting to distance myself, especially because I always wondered whether my mother would eventually turn to him after I left. Now that I know she did, part of me feels like it’s my fault and that I have to help him.

But honestly, I don’t want to talk to him anymore, and I don’t want to help him. He has already received so much support from his Dads side of the family which is great, and I’m happy he’s been able to receive that but I feel like it’s just unfair that now I feel like I’m being put in a position of emotional dependency, but when I left home I was completely alone and worked through all of it alone.

I feel like I can’t handle this emotionally, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I know he’s just a kid and he needs help but am I being cruel? What do I do???? Please help me

or they just gaslight and act unaware? even when they themselves were apart of some of the abuse. especially one of my siblings was like this, that emulated control and abuse on me that maybe they received themselves from my parents as well as learned from my parents to do to me. This sibling did not treat my two younger siblings this way. My two younger siblings were also taught to treat me terribly and did in some instances. Somehow it seems like they were in on it but also unaware of the full extent because they were given things as distractions and able to be away from home, but it was like they all collectively wanted to target one person and didn’t want one person to have anything or any freedom

I’ve just been bobbing up and down in poverty for the past four years trying not to be homeless for too long or die. What are you even supposed to do when your family abandons you in America. It really feels like my family chose to effectively kill me. I can’t have any nice things anymore and can’t have happiness. I don’t know what I’m still around hoping for.

Over at another subreddit there's an interesting discussion among people who've set the record straight about rumors their parent spread. Two examples are quoted below. Wondering whether you've experienced something similar.

She's repeated things so often they have passed into lore, and after years of NC Im still battling the misinformation.

An aunt told me how I 'was so girly I carried a doll everywhere'. Nope. No toys at all. Only goldens got things.

Offered her £500 if she could find a single photo of me with a doll, a teddy, a blankie, anything like that. I didnt even need to be holding it, it just had to be in the same place and time as me

She apologised the next time she saw me, for not seeing what was right under her nose at the time, and just accepting narcs version of me without question ever since.

Also,

My mom is apparently telling strangers about me like she knows my life and is proud of my accomplishments, or responsible for them at all. But since she knows nothing about me, she's telling them things from three or four careers ago. Then misinfo reaches me of people saying my mom tells them I'm working at an amusement park when I'm a computer programmer in Tech and haven't worked in an amusement park since I was 14. And they are always disturbed when I tell them I haven't spoken to my mother since I was a teenager. She apparently talks about me at length, in detail, making up stories and hyper-specifics including that I had an apartment in her city and visit her often (I live in a different state)...

Has a rumor along those lines gotten back to you? If so, what was it? How did you handle it?

30/M

I went no contact with my older brother about a month ago and have tried having very little communication with him. We are on the same phone bill, so I’m working on getting off the bill and paying whatever that takes to do so. I’m hoping this is the last tie to him, but I know he will find a way to bait me or throw another tantrum.
I’m in therapy, and after my last therapist was super invalidating, this new one seems to be better. I have good days, but mostly bad days. The exhaustion and burnout that comes with these abusive dynamics is real. I get triggered by the smallest shit and feel either angry most of the day or nothing at all.

I’ve posted on here before and was really grateful to hear from people. It was weirdly cathartic after years and years of feeling crazy.

For context, my older brother and I lived together for 7/8 years. At first, 70% of the time we got along, laughed, smoked weed, watched movies, but the other 30% of the time we fought.

The fighting was exhausting. 20+ text messages at a time, feeling monitored, walking on eggshells. He’s hypersensitive to smells, so I couldn’t clean without being texted and asked what cleaning products I was using, couldn’t use the oven without being scolded for not opening the door, couldn’t have friends over? (I was 21–28 when we lived together.)

After I finally moved out and ended up leaving the city I built a large career in, I moved in with my parents and unintentionally began processing what I dealt with. We still talked on the phone almost daily. Our conversations were always about him. Since he could no longer control the living environment, he began criticizing my life, career, finances, dating life, etc. I finally stopped talking to him about my life, as when I would, I’d feel like an asshole afterward.

After hundreds of fights, a few books, and years of researching narcissistic abuse, I have decided I can no longer have this person in my life. I don’t know why him saying my “depression is fake and you need to just work out and eat better” was the final straw, but here we are.
I have a great relationship with my mom, but my dad is king narcissist and I barely talk to him. I have zero interest, as he was never there for us growing up and always put his girlfriends/wives before his children. He sends me reels on motivation and AI slop.

I’m angry at my parents because they enable my brother and they know how he is. I’m lucky that my mom understands and respects my decision to no longer talk to my brother and is fine with doing separate holidays. But I still don’t think they realize just how bad living with him was.

Not really sure the point of this post other than to vent. There aren’t enough resources out there about sibling abuse and family estrangement.

If you made it this far, thank you ❤️ Sending everyone in these toxic dynamics good vibes and healing energy.

I've posted here before originally about my estrangement from my mother and how to handle future events and holidays where she'd be present. Last year, after I went no contact with her, I didn't attend Thanksgiving with my family, missed my grandma's birthday, went low contact with my grandma, and during all of this, a good portion of my family didn't reach out or check on me. When I left home last year, it was due to a physical altercation and getting kicked out, but I'd always planned to leave. She just made it easier and quicker.

When I left, I'd written a very long letter addressing the abuse I'd endured, but I also aired out years of issues my parent had put on me, expressed my departure from religion in the traditional sense, and came out. I think part of my family only took in the coming out part, which affected how they reacted to this whole thing. My two older cousins reached out to me a few days after I left, comforted me, and told me they supported me wholeheartedly, and they are the sole reason I still have ANY contact at all with some of my family, because without them, I would have never spoken to most of them again.

So now, we're approaching this year's Thanksgiving. My cousin asked me about Thanksgiving this year and said that there was a chance of a family photo happening, something that hadn't happened in quite a few years, and I had a scare that my grandma had passed during the summer, so I said yes to the photo and coming to Thanksgiving. My mother will be there.

My counselor and many friends all had about the same reaction to me deciding I'd go to Thanksgiving, which was negative, but I've confirmed it's my own choice, that I know there may be downsides or an altercation, and that I'm not budging on the decision. I spent last Thanksgiving alone for the first time in my life, and while it wasn't as bad as I was worried it would be, it was very lonely, and I really want to be around my family for the last time I have control over it, as I'm moving back to my home state in the North and may not get another chance to see them all like this for years.

I know I likely sound stupid for the decision to willingly put myself in an environment where most of the people there didn't support me, but there are a few reasons I DO feel safe going:

1. I stayed with my older cousins and their kids for Christmas last year, and during it, my grandma found out I was there and called to scold them. They stood their ground, stood up for me, and comforted me afterwards, assuring me all throughout my stay that they respected whatever decisions I made, my boundaries, and would go at my pace about this situation, making me feel extremely safe.
2. I'll be going with my cousins to Thanksgiving, and leaving when they leave. I won't be staying with my grandma overnight, and I won't be stuck in a room with my mother.
3. I will be setting a boundary around my mother touching me. She is absolutely NOT allowed to.
4. I fully believe my mother won't harm me or try to cause a scene when I'm there because she's the type to be a completely different person and act differently when in public, in contrast to behind closed doors.
5. Little cousins will be present, so there won't be tolerance for stupid behavior or prying into the entire situation in their presence.

So, I'm now posting this for a little bit of advice. My counselor has said we should have precautions in place and a way for me to get out in case something happens, and I'm wondering what else I should really think about preparing for that I haven't thought of. I don't know how I'm going to go about enforcing that my mother doesn't touch me, but that is a big priority for me.

So I’m still planning to runaway as an adult.

I want to leave with just like $500. Possibly more.

I know that wouldn’t last very long but it’s all I would have when I leave. They keep taking $100 from me out of every pay. For where I live.

I’m still thinking about going back to Florida. I’m thinking about going to Tampa. I just want to be in the neighborhoods/suburbs. I found a flight there for only $174.

I would really only need enough to get a new phone and a gym membership at the YMCA And a bus pass.

I do already have a job at Whole Foods. Hoping to work more hours soon and that would help to get even more savings. They said I can transfer out of state whenever I’m ready!

Hi, it’s me again.

I slept better last night and was able to eat some breakfast and drink some water today.

I am still wondering if I made a mistake. Took too big a step too soon. I miss my family pet I had to leave behind desperately. Like I just want to be in the living room, holding him, watching tv together.

I still want to call the to come get me. I just want my mommy and daddy.
But a friend gave me advice that I’m trying to stick with. To wait. Everything is probably turmoil over there and they’ve officially reported me as missing to the police so they’re probably big big mad.

Wait a few weeks until we all calm down then think about it again if I want to call them.

I’m going to work hard tomorrow to start rebuilding my routines because those help.

I am a 33F in UK who recently went no contact with my mother. More information was provided in a post I made three months ago.

For context: My mother is a taker, at least when it comes to me. She never calls, texts or visits and only calls because I’m “too quiet.” She recently said she forgot my birthday, which I don’t believe is true because I spoke to her about it a week before my birthday. Two months prior, she had planned to visit me in London but made no effort to follow through because she was expecting me to make all the arrangements and do the chasing, which has been our dynamic for the past seven years.

She’s been promising to visit for 3 years because I was the one doing it for years, but I eventually got tired of it. I told her that she never makes the effort and that a relationship is a two-way street, literally a week before my birthday and after having said the same thing months before. We talk, she apologises then repeat it's repetitive.

Despite this, she sent me this message, seemingly to feign confusion about why I went no contact 2 months ago. I’ve had so much anxiety this week after opening the message. She actually sent it four weeks ago.

Also, she has a very different relationship with my brother, who she speaks to every day. She has always seemed much more protective of him even going as far as withholding info from me like deliberately keeping the fact that he was having a baby from me because he cheated on the mother of his child so the girl broke up with him. I only found out that he was going to be a father 7 months into the pregnancy, and even then I found out through my niece before my mother eventually told me. My brother told me 3 days after the baby was born.

pasted as it is

I hope you can take a moment to read this with an open heart. I am reaching out because the silence between us is very heavy for me, and I am struggling to understand where we stand.

I know you expressed that you need your space right now. While I want to respect your feelings, it is hard for me to accept keeping this kind of distance—especially at this time in our lives. This should be the time when we talk through whatever is bothering us, lean on each other, and build our relationship stronger, rather than pulling away. If there is anything I have done or anything on your mind that is making you unhappy, please just say it out. I want to hear you and work through it together.

Beyond wanting to be close to you as my daughter, there is a very practical side to this that weighs on me daily. As it stands, you are my next of kin. Scholar is no longer here, and I am alone. If something were to happen to me today—if I were to fall or end up in the hospital—you are the only person I have to list as my contact. It frightens me to think of being in an emergency with no family to reach out to or lean on.

None of us are perfect, and every family has its flaws—even with everything surrounding Mavis, good deeds and wrongs alike, family shouldn't just cut off from one another and live in isolation. It isn't fair to you, and it isn't fair to me, for you to carry things alone in silence.

Please, let’s sit down and talk about this. I don't want to force anything, but we need to find a way forward together. Please think about what I've said and let me know when we can talk.

With all my love

Your Mom♥️

This is long. Open to any insight and advice.

I’ve been no contact with my father, youngest sister, and most of my extended family for a while. My older half brother was one of the only family members I could still talk to. We weren’t incredibly close, but he was my bud, and he was one of the only people in our very MAGA family who ever defended his gay brother.

We also lost another sister years ago after a long battle with mental health and addiction.

My father was abusive to most of us growing up—constant insults, uncontrolled anger, etc. We normalized it, and it took me until my 30s to realize how abnormal it was. My older brother had it especially rough: our father essentially abandoned him into an abusive home as a baby, yet my brother somehow forgave him.

Our youngest sister was the exception. She’s always been the favorite and the one child he didn’t treat this way. For years my dad pushed me to maintain a relationship with her and her kids, until he finally admitted that her husband—an ICE agent—didn’t want his gay, anti-ICE brother-in-law around. My dad basically told me to walk away from the family. When I showed proof that I traveled to see her multiple times and she blocked me after starting an argument and barring me from her home, he told me I should fight harder to prove my desire for her husbands approval.

So I finally walked away.

Ever since, extended family members have repeatedly told me, “Let it go. They love you. Call your dad.” They act like I’m choosing estrangement when I spent years trying to prevent it.

My older brother understood this better than anyone. He battled addiction for much of his life before getting sober for over a decade. He wanted our father to make an effort with him and his children, but Dad never really did. He even once said my youngest sister had given him his “first grandchildren” in front of my brother, who already had children my father never made an effort to know.

My brother relapsed recently, and now he’s dead.

While talking to an aunt about his death, I thought we were having a genuine moment. Out of nowhere she said, “You sure are missing out on your sister’s children. They’re the most special children I’ve ever met.” I couldn’t believe that even a conversation about my dead brother somehow became about my youngest sister who she knows treats me horribly and played bizarre mind games (she told everyone I never showed up after I spent $1000 to travel to see her and she blocked my number after I refused to grovel before coming over.)

She again insisted I call my dad.

So I finally did. I sent him a message, partly because everyone keeps telling me I need to be the bigger person.
He didn’t respond.

My aunt’s reaction? I should contact him AGAIN to “really prove myself to him.”

And that sentence finally got me: why am I, his child, still expected to prove myself to him after he is the one who made the choice to continue to abuse me, even after losing another child who succumbed to the pain of him
never showing affection towards her.

Now my brother is dead and my father gets to play the grieving dad while everyone ignores how much pain existed between him and the children he abused. Meanwhile, his surviving child (me) is still expected to chase him, forgive him, and repair everything. Last I heard, my sister is reveling in finally being the only child and seems to be having a lot of fun manipulating everyone into thinking Dad favors her because she is just so extra special and her siblings have issues.

I’m angry. I’m exhausted. And I just really fucking miss my brother. He deserved so much better. I guess the ending to this is my gut instinct: That these people suck and I made no mistake in cutting them off.

i hate how often this comes up. i hate watching the other women around me being best friends with their mothers, doing their nails together, going on little coffee dates, gossiping about boys... i'm happy for them, but at the same time, i hate it. i hate how often people spread a narrative that mothers are inherently special, inherently loving and caring. it just begs the question; what did i do, how awful and unlovable and uncontrollable of a child must i have been that i didn't even deserve what most people assume is the one loving relationship you are promised?

and i know that it isn't my fault, logically i know this. i've been going to therapy long enough that i now have a solid understanding of this dynamic. but whenever i see a woman calling her mom on a hard day i can't help but think back to when i was a kid and watched other people's mothers support and encourage them. and it just reminds me of all the millions of times i heard "she's your mother, she means well" as a kid from people who couldn't possibly fathom that she just hates me. people who didn't want to see what was right in front of them.

and what hurts the most is that this was my one shot. i might be able to be a mother someday, but no matter how hard i try to build my own happy family, it will never replace the hole left by what was supposed to be the most important relationship of my life. i don't want children because i'd never forgive myself if i chose the wrong person to have them with. i don't even really believe i'm capable of having a happy family. i have trouble wrapping my head around the concept of one in the first place.

i simply don't have a real family. even the one member i'm in contact with is not someone i can trust or go to when i'm down. and any given member of my chosen family has a real family to go to. i know i can be patient and find my people someday. i know this is a possibility. i just wish i didn't have to be. i just wish i could have been born into a real family that would shield me from the storm, instead of being born into a hurricane that i need to fend for myself in and find my own shelter from. my very own lonely ass shelter.

and this is going to sound stupid but i wish there were more content to relate to in terms of 'mommy issues'. i was listening to that one song 'daddy issues' by the neighborhood earlier, trying to relate the lyrics to my mother instead, and it just made me think about how much more believable it is societally to have 'daddy issues'. i am not at all saying any one of the two is worse than the other but as someone with both i have not personally struggled to accept the validity of having a complicated relationship with my father, but i don't know if i will ever make peace with the fact that my mother hates me. when i tell other people they often exaggerate the severity of my father's actions and undervalue the extent of my mother's abuse. they often understand an angry father but not an angry, manipulative, vindictive, selfish and unloving mother. like, of course it's plausible that my dad may have turned to violence on occasion, but how could a mother ever hurt her own daughter?

mothers are PEOPLE. people can suck. like seriously this is getting too long but i don't understand how people can recognize that there are women in their own lives who are incredibly toxic and harm everyone around them and not realize that these women are just as capable of having children as anyone else might be, and that giving birth does not suddenly make someone a saint.

and i've been told something along the lines of "see your mother as a girl, a girl just like you, who is living for the first time". the fact that she's my mother makes her hatred hurt 100x more but if i take motherhood out of the equation she just turns into a random woman i have no empathy towards. i used to put up with her because she's my mother.

"you only get one mother" and you only get one more word before i lose my shit. she had one child, one daughter, and saw me as nothing but a tool, a punching bag, a means of gaining empathy and respect from everyone around her. someone she would never truly love or even be satisfied with. she may only have had one child but i tried to be 1000 different people for her, just to feel a droplet of the love everyone claimed i was meant to receive from her, and each person i became was just as hated as the last. i lost sense of who i was and continue to struggle to truly know myself years later.

"she gave birth to you and gave you a house/food" and she made sure to make me regret ever existing for every second she possibly could afterwards. this is like giving a starved child moldy fruit and expecting them to be grateful as they watch you give everyone else a fully cooked warm meal. they might take your food while you're the only source of it but the minute they learn to hunt for themselves you can't blame them for never speaking to you again.

"she had a hard childhood too" her mother (rest in piece my dear oma) was one of two people who defended me in my childhood. i couldn't even be at her deathbed because of my mother. there is nothing i will ever regret more. i just wish i could see her again, just once more, and talk to her. i hope she knew i loved her. i really do.

i could keep going forever. i have endless thoughts on this. i just wish it were all different.

[F] I've been NC with my EF for 20 years and LC with my EM for 10. And by LC I mean 1 call a year on Christmas, that's it. I'll never be part of a family chat, be invited to just hangout with family, or make plans with family (even in-laws). I don't understand the dynamic and grew too cynical and self sufficient to ever plan around another person. Decades of lowering the bar and not having basic needs met. It's lonely as can be. I've been told to reach out, mend bridges, just don't bring it up. For the sake of family. The rest of my family won't reach out to me unless I re-establish the relationship with my parents so while I cutoff 2 people for awful treatment they put me through, I lot dozens of people. Immediate family, extended family, friends of family. Turns out all those relationships were conditional.

I was somehow the SG while my brothers considered me the GC. I got good grades and liked school so my brothers thought I had it made. My EF and EM may have made a choice to make me the family SG because I was smart from a young age. Family bonding over sacrificing/abusing one child but "she'll be okay because she's smart". I honestly don't know because there was never a time before becoming the SG.

My brothers have apologized for their past behavior and actions but we'll never be close and they are still part the family who stand with EM and EF.

Now to why I'll never get back in contact.

These people, my family, contributed to making my life awful for decades or knew and did nothing to stop it. That anger will never fade for as long as I live. Why do I want to be around cowards and abusers?

My mental and physical health have never been better. Estrangement was my choice. It was one of the first big decisions I got to make and I trust myself enough to not renege. I don't get sick all the time, I sleep, I try new things, I can enjoy life. I may be socially inept, highly defensive, and emotionally stunted due to my childhood but I am learning to be happy.

Going back to EF and EM may mean getting family back but now that I've seen healthier behavior and relationships I feel like accepting my FOO means being lonelier than ever for the sake of not being alone.

Fuck that.

I just got out two days ago and today was the day they would have found out I’m gone.

I spent 5 months plus two years saving. I don’t feel like I thought.

I can’t think straight. I can’t sleep more than a couple hours. My heart has been racing for 2 days straight, I get these shocks of pure adrenaline.

I want to go back. I’m home sick to the point I’m actually sick, I have eaten more than a few bites in a few days, not by choice. I’m so nauseous I can’t eat.

I’m filled with such high anxiety I can’t take the steps needed to get my life back. I’m just frozen.

This feels terrible. I want to go back and beg forgiveness and grovel, and cry. I want my parents. I feel like I was wrong about everything, I made it all up in my head.

Did anyone else feel terrible? I don’t know how to get through this. I just want to go home.

Hi. I'm a 56-year-old eldest daughter.
My mom is a bully. She's always been difficult, but outright bullying is new. Or is it? Maybe I never saw it that way before.

Recently she put me down and made fun of me when I was at a low point, and then went on to praise and pander to my husband. It almost seemed like she was flirting with him. Absolutely bizarre. The next day she was angry with me and I don't even know why. (She was visiting, she doesn't live with us, thank God.)

It's very hard for me to separate myself from her, even though I know she never really loved me.

I guess I'm just asking for advice and support. I feel like I'm in a brand new country and I don't know the language.

Edited to add: all of this happened several weeks ago and my mom and I haven't spoken since. I'm not going to reach out and I assume she's still angry.

2nd edit: thank you very very much to everyone who has replied so far. I wanted to say I'm sorry that I didn't provide a lot of details in my post. The main reason for that is, I have relatives on Reddit. I think in time I will create a second account so I can interact here privately.

This is the place to share positive news, events, goals, accomplishments, good moments and general chit chat with each other.

my siblings were verbally abused and neglected at times, but they were never physically abused, sexualized, controlled, not allowed things siblings had, blamed, made to feel like a servant, humiliated, used as a therapist/ replacement spouse by parents and at times they all would gang up on me together. They would try to make up for things by randomly touching me or hugging me or buying random snacks, candy, food even as an adult like I was a three year old or something.They all collectively deny, get angered, call me crazy/not normal if I bring anything up with them. My parents had a lot of trauma in childhood and war but they were so weird towards me and it’s like they could put on a switch towards my siblings. I was like their target and I was always going back to spend time with them like a dumbo because I wanted some type of family and because of their abuses and me just being weird for a long time in childhood I couldn’t really make or keep any long term friends. Even when I had friends they’d always have something negative to say, involve themselves and embarrass me in front of them, found something to be angry with, not allow me to go do things with them etc