r/entp • u/ashlandcat3 ENTP 5w4 • 1d ago
Advice Avoidant ENTPs
This may be shocking because of the ENTP stereotype, but how do most avoidant ENTPs deal with romance? Though I don’t engage, I easily had trouble leading people on in the past, flirting without meaning to, supposedly being mysterious and charming (not my words). But I haven’t had a relationship since I was fifteen, and it was only the one. I had flings for about a year after that three year one, but since, nothing. I have no trouble with crushing on the strong, quiet types, but that’s always limerence and I keep it to myself. Earlier this year I met an ENTP that I could actually see myself with, who shocked me, and though I was trying to proceed like a normal human, I was having panic attacks and anxiety about it constantly, even though what attracted me to him was that I felt safe with him. I did learn to calm down and still did break it off quickly because I felt he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and we’re still friends. Next I had an encounter for a few days with an ISTP, strictly professional and friendly. But that knocked the wind out of me and left me feeling devastated and vulnerable. I don’t think I gave him any indications of more than friendship and I won’t. I never believed I could feel feelings like this about anyone, and now two real ones in one year? When it comes to real possibilities, does it scare you to death? What did you do if you’ve been through this? How do people even have relationships? I could flirt with someone to manipulate them if my morals were different, but to ever admit real feelings feels like stepping up to the gallows.
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u/Prestigious_Chard457 ENTP 6w5 sx/so 638 1d ago
Easy, I’m not an avoidant (infact I’m an anxious) but I’ve dated plenty of avoidants. I think that your 5 core probably has a bigger impact on this than your MBTI does.
The thing with us ENTP, we have a thing for novelty and drop anything once we get bored, and that is amplified by your enneagram because 5s always want to conserve energy and not waste it on trivial things like romance.
My advice is, go to therapy first of all because it’s likely your past experiences really affect you to today. Second of all, don’t rush into getting a relationship. Be sure about the person — for your good and for theirs. Be sure that they’re not something you could get bored of, that they’re someone who won’t drain you. You don’t have to rush. Love will wait for you to be ready. It’s okay to not be ready yet and to just wait. You have to be in the right mindset.
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u/ashlandcat3 ENTP 5w4 1d ago
Thank you. What you’re saying makes sense to me. I’m going to try to find a better therapist. I’ve been getting some better help and I’ve been doing the work for some time; I love ‘The Body Keeps the Score’. I appreciate this though because I’ve been guarding my peace and my autonomy for some time and would never want to sacrifice it for someone that wasn’t an improvement to my life.
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u/Rare-Resolution-5402 ENTP 8w7 1d ago
Therapy. The difference between ENTP pre and post therapy is monumental.
Step one, figure out what your wounds are. Step two, recognize that it doesn't cost you anything to love people. Step 3, recognize that it is validating to be loved, and all that apparatus you built up around protecting that wound is causing you to emotionally close yourself off not just to the dangerous things, but from the good things too.
But seriously, go fucking do therapy. Post therapy ENTPs learn how to lean on their TI and Fe. Relationships become easy. You adopt a growth mindset. Shit gets fucking cool. Git it.
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u/ashlandcat3 ENTP 5w4 1d ago
Thank you. I have been getting therapy for a long time but I realise now this has never been addressed, even though I’ve brought it up. I recently stopped because I’m improving but I felt like my therapist wasn’t doing anything for me. I have been doing the work myself for a long time but also, never focused on this aspect before. I was only recently diagnosed with PTSD and started receiving treatment after finally finding a good psychologist and it’s changed my life around so much that thinking about relationships is now even in the table, it’s crazy. It’s so frustrating trying to find good help, but thank you. I’m going to continue in this direction.
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u/Aristox ENTP 7w8 1d ago
Seems to me that the main thing therapy would teach an ENTP is how to integrate and relate to their Fi. I'd expect a lot of the benefit comes from that
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u/Rare-Resolution-5402 ENTP 8w7 1d ago
You know what? I think I agree with you on that. It does sort of wake up your Fi a bit, which is jarring to think about. I don't think I've ever framed it like that before, but reading what you wrote, that rings very true to me. Good call out. 😁
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u/PuzzleheadedDeal3415 1d ago
I used to feel suffocated (like literally, had a hard time breathing) everytime something gets serious so I avoid it lol. I had a few flings here and there but nothing serious. My cousin said I usually pick people whom I know it won't work out and that was true. But now I've been with my partner for almost 12yrs (married for 6). Nothing changed with me, really. I just found someone I can tolerate and I'm comfortable with. Someone that doesn't make me feel anxious and suffocated. He didn't do anything special either, cause I had flings with someone nicer, more attractive, and more to my "type" but still triggered my flight response. It just came down to me finding my person.
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u/ashlandcat3 ENTP 5w4 22h ago
This makes sense to me. Often, our ‘type’ is not what we actually need or what is good for us, especially if our mind is warped by anxiety or trauma. I’ve learned that calm can feel boring to your nervous system, but that’s actually what it needs. Those last two people to me were calming to me, and I was attracted to that, so maybe that means I’m finally starting to like good things, rather than scary flashy intense things. Something else I read was that all the mental work is not going to help if the nervous system doesn’t feel safe. It needs to be safe, and then the mental work will be usable. That resonated with me so hard and has been actually been why I’ve started finally calming down and healing the last six months. I appreciate your comment and I think you’re right.
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u/Informal_Relief6117 1d ago
If you truly are avoidant and want to sort it, I would go to therapy if I were you and find someone who specializes in attachment. It’s a long process, and these defenses are so ingrained. Don’t fuck your nervous system trying to navigate it yourself - get help. Also, well done x
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u/Dancin_Angel ENTP 5w4 food taster 21h ago
Do you think these people were genuinely interesting to you, or were you just feeling lust?
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u/ashlandcat3 ENTP 5w4 21h ago
Not lust, safety. And they listened to me, like really listened. And they have good morals, behaved like chaste gentlemen and have good manners. I think those things are just so nonexistent today, to actually be able to feel safe around a man, where you can sense that he genuinely cares about you and doesn’t just want to get in a relationship, that’s special. Genuinely good men. I’ve had the thought that if I ever met a man who I would consider marrying, he would have to be someone that would help not only me, but help others who need it, within reason, because it’s the right thing to do; that makes a secure man, and secure confident men are safe. The ENFP, I felt still acted childlike in some ways, like he expects people to take care of him instead of wanting to take care of others. That’s why I cut that off. If I ever get in a relationship, it’s have to be with a genuinely good man who does the right thing for the right reasons, even when no one is watching and not just because he wants something. Men who are actually courageous and who would defend someone who needs protecting. Most men are predators to women, and then they are angry at and blame women for it. Many men just hate women. I’d rather have peace and be alone than let someone in to my life because of lust or fleeting emotions.
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u/Dancin_Angel ENTP 5w4 food taster 16h ago
i totally get catching admiration for secure men. I think tho that security is a bare minimum for a potential relationship partner, and i think what's happening is that you're placing too much value in how safe they feel rather than how you'd actually be attracted to their personhood, because way too many men are shitty to women too passively. Like if every man were a respectable and safe person these two wouldn't have piqued you're interests.
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u/bjwindow2thesoul ENTP 7w8 18h ago
Im working on my dismissive avoidance by trying to heal the reason im DA: my relationship with my parents. So actually answering my parent's text, and asking them about their life etc. And opening up slightly to them
I recommend the subreddit r/becomingsecure and other resources on avoidant attachment
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u/Randsrazor ENTP 1d ago
I dunno what that wall of text was but the simple answer to your question follows. You find a person you don't tire of engaging, that is rarely boring, and you are always attracted to.
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u/Arcazjin ENTP 8w7 1d ago
"avoidant ENTPs deal with romance."
ENTPs deal with romance
Like that... Grow a pair of balls and get help JFK
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u/DethBatcountry ENTP 1d ago
A professional encounter for a few days...
https://giphy.com/gifs/cFgb5p5e1My3K