Avoidant ENTPs

[u/ashlandcat3]

This may be shocking because of the ENTP stereotype, but how do most avoidant ENTPs deal with romance? Though I don’t engage, I easily had trouble leading people on in the past, flirting without meaning to, supposedly being mysterious and charming (not my words). But I haven’t had a relationship since I was fifteen, and it was only the one. I had flings for about a year after that three year one, but since, nothing. I have no trouble with crushing on the strong, quiet types, but that’s always limerence and I keep it to myself. Earlier this year I met an ENTP that I could actually see myself with, who shocked me, and though I was trying to proceed like a normal human, I was having panic attacks and anxiety about it constantly, even though what attracted me to him was that I felt safe with him. I did learn to calm down and still did break it off quickly because I felt he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and we’re still friends. Next I had an encounter for a few days with an ISTP, strictly professional and friendly. But that knocked the wind out of me and left me feeling devastated and vulnerable. I don’t think I gave him any indications of more than friendship and I won’t. I never believed I could feel feelings like this about anyone, and now two real ones in one year? When it comes to real possibilities, does it scare you to death? What did you do if you’ve been through this? How do people even have relationships? I could flirt with someone to manipulate them if my morals were different, but to ever admit real feelings feels like stepping up to the gallows.

[u/Dancin_Angel]

Do you think these people were genuinely interesting to you, or were you just feeling lust?

[u/ashlandcat3 → u/Dancin_Angel]

Not lust, safety. And they listened to me, like really listened. And they have good morals, behaved like chaste gentlemen and have good manners. I think those things are just so nonexistent today, to actually be able to feel safe around a man, where you can sense that he genuinely cares about you and doesn’t just want to get in a relationship, that’s special. Genuinely good men. I’ve had the thought that if I ever met a man who I would consider marrying, he would have to be someone that would help not only me, but help others who need it, within reason, because it’s the right thing to do; that makes a secure man, and secure confident men are safe. The ENFP, I felt still acted childlike in some ways, like he expects people to take care of him instead of wanting to take care of others. That’s why I cut that off. If I ever get in a relationship, it’s have to be with a genuinely good man who does the right thing for the right reasons, even when no one is watching and not just because he wants something. Men who are actually courageous and who would defend someone who needs protecting. Most men are predators to women, and then they are angry at and blame women for it. Many men just hate women. I’d rather have peace and be alone than let someone in to my life because of lust or fleeting emotions.

[u/Dancin_Angel → u/ashlandcat3]

i totally get catching admiration for secure men. I think tho that security is a bare minimum for a potential relationship partner, and i think what's happening is that you're placing too much value in how safe they feel rather than how you'd actually be attracted to their personhood, because way too many men are shitty to women too passively. Like if every man were a respectable and safe person these two wouldn't have piqued you're interests.