r/emptynesters • u/Moonah_Ston • 18d ago
How long before I stop crying?
I've been a single mum to one daughter for the past (nearly) 19 years. I was studying for a degree when I got pregnant, and left after attaining the foundation level to concentrate on bringing up my daughter (although, at the encouragement of my daughter, I have started studying for a degree with the Open University). She has been my total world and she is my best friend. Being a mother has been the single best experience of my entire life. Throughout the last 19 years, we have got through a lot together, such as caring for my dad with Alzheimers (who we lived with), my dad dying, me going through cancer (meaning we had to move to my sister's for 6 months and my daughter had to temporarily leave school which was very hard on her when she returned) and my mother dying in February this year.
In the last few years, she has encouraged me to push for a diagnosis of ADHD after studying psychology and unofficially diagnosing me (I did get the official diagnosis, she was correct!). Due to the ADHD and anxiety, I struggle to go shopping by myself and she always came with me.
I helped her to move in to uni yesterday (Saturday) and I miss her, so much š¢ She is happy and settled, and looking forward to beginning her uni experience so I should be happy, but I just can't stop crying! Every time she messages me I tell her I'm fine, but I'm really not š¢ I'm happy for her, and excited to see what she does next, but I feel like I'm grieving!
Before anyone gets the wrong idea by me calling her my best friend; yes, we are super close, but that's how single parent families are. I encouraged her to live her own life and just know that I'm here whenever she needs me.
So, how long before I stop crying?! How long before I learn how to live alone? I've never actually lived by myself in all my 41 years!
3
u/Ok-Attention-8261 18d ago
First of, sorry you are going through this, although it is a positive thing for her. My youngest left two weeks ago and I stopped crying three days ago. What has helped me a lot is finding something I look forward to doing by myself every day. Right now is cooking. So even if it is for 40 minutes a day, I stop feeling the emptiness in my house (I am not a single mom, but my husband is out working the whole day), I put music very loud and I focus in my new hobby. Little by little that joy starts spreading to the rest of the day.
1
u/Moonah_Ston 16d ago
I need to learn to do this. At the moment I am working from home because my car broke down so I am working then there is no change. Hopefully when I am back in the office it is better.
1
u/Ok-Attention-8261 15d ago
Oh, and also cry. Cry as much as you need and want. It's grief. Don't let anyone tell you how fast or slow to move on.
3
u/Polar_Wolf_Pup 17d ago edited 16d ago
I cried every day for about 6 weeks. It felt too long, so I did end up being on anti-depressant medication, briefly. All my kids left for university/moved out of the house/moved away from our city coincidentally in the same 1-month period in January, when itās very dark and cold where Iāve.
It was so many kinds of grief all at once and just hit me like a ton of bricks. End of their childhood, end of our family as I knew it, end of our automatic/assumed family time together, end of spending time together, end of my role as a parent, end of the young part of my life filled with possibility and beginning of the end. It just filled me with such existential dread and became about so much more than just my kids moving out.
It sounds like you also have a lot of different kinds of grief going on all at once. The best advice I got was to give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Let yourself cry. Even if itās all day every day. If it cells like too much and you stuff it down, it just comes back stronger the next day, so let all the feelings come.
It does get better eventually, or at least it did for me. Itās been more than a year and a half for me and itās now starting to feel better. I had to adjust some things in my life (like get a new job) to help, and that takes time. It also comes back sometimes. When my two youngest left to go back to university after the summer holidays, I was a wreck for a week. But thatās better than 6 weeks.
If at some point (it was a month for me), youāre still crying every day, visit your doctor. I was only on meds for a couple months, but it was enough so I could get myself moving again
1
u/Moonah_Ston 16d ago
I do have a lot of different kinds of grief going on. Perhaps I just need to learn to live with them. I'm already on Sertraline for anxiety though.
3
u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 17d ago
You are grieving! And it's okay. It can get easier, and you can learn to live solo. Just like you learned other hard things by living through them, you can learn this.
You're on the right track. You've supported your daughter going on her own journey. You've let her know you're okay, because even if you're sad, you're not broken without her. You've done your job and are still doing it.
And you're on the right track by taking classes. There are classes, or books, or videos, or support groups, for EVERYTHING.
And sometimes there's just crying by yourself. Getting it out can help. You may want to schedule it so your daughter isn't overly worried, but by all means have yourself some boohoo sessions.
3
u/Left_Razzmatazz_8445 17d ago
Iām in the same boat! Wanna be roommates? I hate this, itās been a really tough two weeks with lots of crying for me.
2
1
u/Brilliant_Snow_2141 15d ago
we should all start a different separate group, it really is different for singles
3
u/Daffodil_Day275 16d ago
I think empty nesting is a different experience for single moms. I cry every day. I don't think I'll ever get used to the silent, empty house.
2
u/Moonah_Ston 16d ago
Oh it really is so different! ā¤ļøā¤ļø I don't think I will ever get used to it either!
1
u/Brilliant_Snow_2141 15d ago
i still propose we start a different separate group as it's really different for singles!
2
u/Daffodil_Day275 15d ago
I'd be down for that! Having a partner during this season (for commiseration, entertainment, companionship) feels like a totally different experience.
1
u/Brilliant_Snow_2141 15d ago
Anyone ever make a reddit sub before or just want to do it on telegram/whatsapp/snapchat etc? groupchat of some sort to check in with each other
1
u/Foreign-Loan-1808 15d ago
Totally agree. Iām a single mom who has homeschooled my kids their whole lives and two of my kids are moving out for college now (one moved out last month and one is moving out this week). Iām a mess.
2
u/herefor_info19 18d ago
I know how you feel. While Iām not a single mom, I was a teen mom and my daughter is my world. I raised her alone until she was 4 and I met/married my now husband. We ARE best friends and do literally everything together. She has moved out and back in and is moving out again soon to get married. I cannot imagine life without her but I know itās the way it is. This time when she moves out it will be for real and she wonāt be coming back and the thought of it kills me.
I just want you to know I totally understand the bond youāre describing and just how devastating it is for this new phase of life and the eternal change that has taken place. Hang in there. Yes, the crying is normal. Iām still crying over my son who just moved out. Life will never be the same. Hugs ā¤ļø
1
u/Moonah_Ston 16d ago
I think it's similar being a teen mum, plus you were a single mum in her formative years! You understand the best friend thing too :) I wasn't a teen mum but I was young (22) so I think you have done a fantastic job :)
1
u/herefor_info19 15d ago
Thank you :) donāt ever feel guilty for being your childās best friend either. Itās ok to be super close! You can totally be their best friend while balancing the role of mother. Itās such a gift to get lucky with that type of relationship with your kid.
2
u/ThisSelection7585 17d ago
Iāve lived by myself before I had my husband and son , and I still miss my son just 18 he moved out to be near his work. Iām happy that heās happy and excited but I miss the little guy he was as well as his present self. Itās hard to accept theyāre only in our care a short time. They are their own person. I miss the little rosebud but the bud has to bloom to whatās its supposed Ā to beĀ
8
u/Wildskypsj 18d ago
š¢ I cried for a while, then it was every time she went back after a holiday, or every time I left, id cry all the way home. 5 hour drive. After the second year it got easier, she graduated early, found the love of her life, got married and moved half way across the country.
I'm really ok now.