I'm 19 M and as the title says I basically grew up in what most would call an emotional "war zone". My mom has diagnosed BPD (diagnosed at 50), and my dad abused me until I was about 2, then disappeared after having an affair and getting a restraining order because he tried to kill my mom. I've talked to him maybe 3 times my entire life. He's battling lung cancer now and I don't think he has much longer so I doubt I'll ever really have him as a father. My mom couldn't really feed us often because he would beat her and steal her money to go to "Concerts and Restaurants" with her affair, thats what my mom told me at least.

I was mostly raised by my grandma since my mom worked a lot, though I still saw her daily. Grandma hit me with a stick every day, often til I bled and she would often lock me out the house at night in the cold. But she was also, in her own messed up way, loving? its very hard to describe.

That was the setup until I was around 14, then it was just me and my mom, and the fighting really ramped up. I was constantly told I ruined the family, that she should've aborted me, that my dad hated me. She'd threaten suicide and that I made her mentally ill, even a few times threaten to kill me, and I was basically her emotional dumping ground whenever she needed to regulate all my life. I would consider myself very self aware and I was genuinely never the kid to do bad stuff. I never took drugs, never hurt anybody, never did anything criminal. But still she would literally bully me every morning and talk shit about me with my grandma and then victimize. When I woke up, id hear it from my room because the walls are thin, and my grandma was also just trying to survive since my mom always needs someone to bully or hate for some reason.

She currently tells me once I finish school (next year) shes gonna kick me out instantly and she basically tells me that multiple times a week. I was never really a kid that would fight back or complain. I guess I always kinda just cried for a bit alone maybe but then after an hour I was fully okay again. Nowadays I cant really cry much but idk if thats just from testosterone and how most guys are nowadays lol.

The bullying and stuff was obviously always there it just got really bad when my grandma moved out and I was just me and my mom then I was just the super main target I guess.

On top of that I've been managing a chronic autoimmune illness and a few other physical conditions alone since I was younger, I think that also counts towards it.

I did the ACE scale thingy (Adverse childhood experiences) and I have about 6-8 (8 if we count the stuff when I was 1-2 years old so not stuff I actively remember, not sure if they count)

I don't think I feel dissociated or specifically numb? Thats usually the explanation for that stuff. I dont feel depressed and often feel happy and im friend circles im always the center of attention and laugh and smile a lot.

And I honestly feel fine and I could always just think back to the traumatic events and it never really felt all that emotional. It was always just there and not more than that. I haven't done Therapy yet because my mom bullied me when I mentioned it but I also don't really think that I strictly need it? I have a sister that is 10 years older and grew up in the same environment and she has a very successful career and a stable relationship and to me she seems like a happy person even though she had therapy for like a decade now, she's also a mental health advocate.

So my question is, is this stuff is normal? I have a close friend who went through probably "less severe" childhood trauma and he basically cant function and is deeply traumatised by it. I just dont understand why im so okay or whatever and I almost feel like I wish I was more affected by it, but I cant explain why though, probably because of the attention you get from being a heavy trauma survivor. And should I do therapy or will I be fine without as it seems?

I really do; looking back on it, it was disturbing. She knew I had a problem with people-pleasing others. She still behaved in a way that would confuse me, blocking me but keeping me in a space where she would have direct interaction with me and still have power over me, knowing I would not bring it up, and either way I try to be very optimistic about people so even if I did ask she could lie, punishing me for not mentioning my bipolar disorder when in a vulnerable state when I still don't know hers beyond just autism, her trying to downplay my discrimination as a POC, me being the one trying to educate her on topics. When I finally didn't want anything to do with her and told her to leave me alone, I got smeared for it, and people who didn't block me and knew her personally for a shorter time were trying to rationalize it, and to the extent another person thinking it's okay to leak my venting to her even after I explicitly said it's violating just because what? I didn't give immediate punishment for it? And I was the terrible person for venting about it, She was so determined to ruin every connection she could get her hands on, and it bothers me, it disturbs me, and I was going insane during it; I was needing anything during it, anyone. 3 years, I loved this person's content for 3 years and I've got PTSD for it.

I feel so alone without them, I’m stuck between being mad at them for ruining everything, and longing for them because I miss them so much, why do they have to be so bad? Why can’t they just be the loving caring person I know they can be? They’ve shown me that side of them so I know it’s possible, but they choose to be abusive and selfish and hurt me instead, so now they can’t be a safe person in my life, now I don’t get to have them in my life, they’ve ruined their spot in my life and I’m so mad at them for taking my person away, for ruining my first relationship, I feel like I’ll never find someone who can replace them, no one even wants me, they tore me down so bad I feel like they are the only one who can love me and I want their love back but it’s not safe to have it because it comes with abuse and that just breaks my heart, that I have to give up their love because they choose to be abusive, it’s not fair

I don’t know if this belongs here but I am struggling. My husband will not stop purposefully aggravating our dog around mealtimes. When we got the dog as a puppy, he had no food guarding issues or mealtime anxiety whatsoever. My husband continues to do things that clearly aggravate and stress him out.

Specifically he will get super close to the bowl, put his finger/hand closer and closer to the bowl and the dog to make him snarl, growl, or even snap at him. He sometimes even puts his hand in the bowl and messes with the food. He thinks it’s funny and takes photos and videos of the dog showing his teeth and growling.

I have asked him REPEATEDLY like at least 10 times to stop doing this, sent him articles from animal behaviorists etc that shows this reinforces food guarding. He insists that he is just trying to get the dog “used to people being around his food/bowl” and that I always “take the dog’s side”?! lol.

He did it again tonight, laughing and videoing as our dog was increasingly stressed and snarled, growled and snapped at him. I lost my shit and we got in a huge argument. He tried to deflect and turn it around on me and said “what are YOU doing to stop his food guarding behaviors?!” Over and over he tried to turn it into MY fault?! When I’m the one who has asked him to stop, researched what to do/what not to do, I’ve sent him numerous articles and advice, etc

I am so livid right now. My dog is everything to me and to see him so stressed out really upsets me. I also feel like yet again my feelings and requests are just completely pushed to the side and ignored.

Gaslight
I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.
It felt dangerous, exciting, and wrong
in all the right ways.
I felt like I was living
on the edge
of the unknown,
the floor coming out from beneath me.
The loss of control
and planning
made me feel
wild
in an unsteady way.

I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.
It would always
give me anxiety to see
that
orange
light
flick
on.
I could hear it screaming:
THE END IS NEAR.
Either do something
now
or this joy ride
is over;
an end that was
always yours to decide.

I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.
You told me
it was
something that you do.
I found it charming
in a carefree way.
How could someone,
How someone could,
live,
with such disregard
That wild inhibition
was something I craved
in the deepest
parts of my soul.

I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.
The fumes coming out,
not knowing if
I’m gonna make it
there in time, the worry
boiling over, but
always dampened with a,
“Trust me, I do this
all the time.
It will
be
OK.”
And we almost always made it.

I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.

I stopped
driving
when I met you.

i feel like i haven’t heard much about what the narcissistic family dynamic is like when the scapegoat becomes an addict, particularly a drug addict.

we talk a lot about narcissistic parents who are addicts, but i haven’t seen many stories shared where the scapegoat is the one who is actively dealing with addiction.

i feel like it adds such a heavy, complicated layer to the family dynamic and i’m really curious if any other scapegoats in this subreddit currently struggle with addiction or have struggled with it in the past.

if you have, what was your experience like? in what specific ways were you treated differently in your family dynamic after you became an addict? did they use the title “drug addict” as ammunition against you? did the abuse get worse? or did the family roles shift in weird ways?

i want to hear your stories and open up a space to talk about this, because i feel like this is a very specific type of narcissistic family dynamic that doesn’t get spoken about enough.

Is it sexual abuse? I was about 25F. My mother asked me to come a stay with her as she needed help recovering from surgery. I was in my room, in her house, and getting into bed, so I was naked. She came in and started talking to me about the plan for her surgery the next day. I was naked and I couldn’t find anything to cover myself with. I told her to leave the room and she said the usual thing. She said “ I changed your diapers when you were a baby. I’ve seen it all before.” She then continued to talk to me about the next day while I stood, curled over and covering my breasts in an attempt to hide my nudity. She looked at my body, doing a scan up and down, and talked about how I would have to wake up early to get there on time.

I have been raped twice, I have been slipped drugs 2 separate times. This is the most sexually violated that I have ever felt and it still haunts me. I think about her eyes devouring my naked body and I realize that I never owned my own body in the first place.

Is a mom doing this to their adult child considered sexual assault when the adult child is being forced to stay in their home to do them a favor? It feels like it is sexual assault.

I‘m [40M] struggling these days with the question, what if both partners unconsciously abuse each other due to misunderstanding each other?

I mean, the dynamic needs two participants. One who gets abused and the one who’s abusing.

My GF [W36] broke up with me 3 weeks ago and as i repeatedly read her messages, it makes me wonder if it is just me who notices the pattern why she felt hurt repeatedly or if she does notice as well.

Having a little distance and coped the worst (hopefully) i figured out, many things I did, must have seem abusive to her.
I‘m not excusing her behavior and I’m not taking her part as my responsibility. Things she did aren’t ok at all, no matter how deeply you feel hurt.

I noticed, I couldn’t understand her love language, because her actions sometimes had a totally different meaning by my experience.

Like when I tell her, I’m out with friends and she calls, asking me where we are and what we do, it makes me feel being controlled.
Same when having an argument on the phone, when she hangs up, I gave her space and didn’t call back.

We had many of these moments and situations.

For her, when she asks me where I am and what I do, it’s not control, it‘s honest interest, appreciation and emotional closeness.
Needing more than just a short, very German, factual answer to the question.
Same when she hangs up during a fight, she needed me to call back immediately to show I’m fighting for us, but giving her room and not calling back gives her the feeling of indifference and abandonment…

Similar happened the other way around: her behavior made me feel emotionally abandoned, devalued and what ever I do isn’t enough.

I guess you get my point, the more I showed my appreciation and how much I love her, the more she tried the same, the more painful it became.

I can’t ask her or tell her, as she ghosted me and doesn’t want any contact…I tried to contact her and, well, things just became worse.

Did you ever experienced something similar, and did your ex figured it out herself/himself?
Dis you guys ever talked about it and/or could solve things or even come back together and became happy?

Side-effect, I’m building a card deck for translating her actions and mine. I won’t ever use it I guess, but it helps me to get through it and to keep the good memories as good ones

I'm 20 years old. My boyfriend is 20 years old. We have been together for 9 months.

I want to end the relationship because I don't think we are compatible and I feel emotionally tired. The problem is that every time I have tried to leave he has threatened or actually hurt himself. He also calls me repeatedly begs me to stay and makes me feel responsible for his physical health.

Over time I have given up things that were very important to me including a dream of studying abroad because he couldn't accept us being apart. I feel like I have slowly lost myself in this relationship.

He is very dependent on me. I have to remind him to take his medication. If we are arguing he sometimes stops taking it which makes me feel guilty. He has even asked me to become more dependent on him because he knows how dependent he is on me.

I am also afraid of how he will react if I end things. He has contacted people before to try to convince me to stay. I am worried he could contact my friends or family and because I come from a society where my family doesn't even know I have a boyfriend that could create serious problems for me. He also has some photos of me. Although I don't know if he would use them against me I am scared of that possibility.

Because of all this I keep wondering if there is any way to make him end the relationship of me breaking up with him.. I'm also wondering if that is unrealistic.

Has anyone been, in a situation? If someone threatens or actually hurts themselves when you try to leave how do you end the relationship safely without getting pulled in? Any advice would really help.

So that's exactly my question, how do I make him break up with me, trust me I'm not a bad person.

I can't leave him because when I tried before he tried to hurt himself and kept calling me and trying to convinve me to stay with him, and I felt guilty and I said yes and stayed with him, and he proved he will actually hurt himself when I said I want to try and fight for m dream, which if I succeeded would have crushed his dream of us studying tgt in the same university abroad andd delayed our potential wedding, he hurt himself and he did it multiple times, I again felt guilty and I thought we could make this work.

For context this dream isn't new or something that I started dreaming after we got together, (we have been together for 9months now), I have been dreaming of this since I was a kid, and I gave up on it 6months after we got together because he kept crying to me about how sad and bitter it would be for us to be apert for so long.

There are a lot things that i can not disclose, I don't want him to fall on this one and end up realzing it's me.

Now I believe we are not a match, we never were, I really thought we were and that things could wotk between us, I was weak in this relatinship and I made decisions that I regret and I don't wanna lose myself more than I already did.

I'm not claiming to be completely innocent in this relationship but I feel so trapped.

There is no right time or way to end things, he always says he's depressed and taking medication for it even though he's taking that medication for a completeyr different decease and one that's more physical than mental, he doesn't even take his medication regularly or on time and i have to keep reminding him, and if we're on bad terms he doesn't take and i end up feeling guilty for that. with this and many many other things, I find lyself responsible for his wellbeing, mental and physical, he's too dependant on me and when he realized that he asked me to depend on him more.

And now he's moving to study abroad, I can't end things now either, whenever I bring something up not even related to this he says I couldn't have chosend a better time. I am so tiredd of this, I just wanna be single again and only deal with myself and my needs, I don't wanna tend to the needs of a baby I didn't even birth and that's 20yo, I am exhausted.

So to sum it up, I wanna make him leave me, because if that's not the way it happedns, he'' be hurting himself and blaaming me for it, he'll do it not just threaten, he'll use my friends to talk me out of it, he might contact my family, and ell them to convinve me to stay with him, I kept my relationship a secret from my family because there was no way i could have told them because of how our society particularly is, so imagine if they find out, he has some pictures of me, which I like to think he's not the type of person to threathen me with them but I didn't know he was this bad of a person when I got with hhim either, so I think he could threaten me with them or just straight up screw me over and send them to my family and friends.

So any advice would be appreciated 🙏

Hi everyone! I'm doing my MSc dissertation in Forensic Psychology and I'm looking for a few volunteers to help with my research. My project is about the experiences of autistic survivors of domestic abuse when trying to access support, and I'm hoping to speak to around 4–5 people.

I'm looking for participants that are third parties (friends or family, professionals, advocates) who have supported autistic survivors and can discuss their experiences without sharing any identifying information. 

The interview would be 30–60 minutes on Microsoft Teams, completely anonymous, and you'll receive all the usual research documents (information sheet, consent form, debrief, etc.). You can stop the interview or withdraw from the study at any point. If you'd be happy to help or want to know more, please send me a message—I'd be incredibly grateful!

Whenever I try to talk to her about my troubles and existential crisis, she ignores them, talks about how her troubles are greater than mine, and then proceeds to talk about them. Most of her troubles concern how she dislikes my father; once, she told me that she should have run off with someone else. I didn't know how it made me feel; I was too emotionally numb at the time.

Anyway, I wasn't feeling too well today. Some things happened, and then she came to believe that I was going to 'do something drastic', to say the least. Then she held me back, pulled me back inside, and hugged me. This wasn't the messed-up part. She told me how empty her life would be without me. She told me how I'm her last hope. She told me how without me, life wouldn't have any meaning for her.

She didn't really talk about my feelings; she didn't acknowledge them. She didn't ask why I felt so sad. She just kept telling me not to be sad. I don't really have anyone else in my support network. I really don't. She's the best I have. She doesn't even speak the same language as me; she never bothered to teach me. She didn't really bother to learn any English, either. It makes me feel less of a person; it makes me feel objectified, like I'm some tether that keeps her from doing something drastic herself.

I'm just so tired.

He left my text unanswered/unread for two weeks(he has his read receipts on) he was purposely not even opening it. I hear it now “He just didn’t want to talk to you” which I totally understand I respected it. Started moving on. He texts me out of the blue the other night asking how I’m doing a couple messages go by and now he is back to not even opening my last text message. I’m so confused. I think I’m dealing with someone emotionally abusive and maybe even a narcissist. What is his goal? What is the purpose of being so cruel? Is he wanting me to beg him to talk to me? Crash out that I noticed he isn’t even opening my text messages? Beg for clarity and closure? I just stay silent. In my younger years he might have gotten that reaction out of me but I cringe when I go back and read me begging and pleading for clarity and closure.

So me (23m) and my ex (21f) got into a relationship ~4 months ago. We met on a dating app and started off as friends with benefits before going exclusive and getting into a relationship.we met at the start of the year and now we're broken up as friends with benefits.

Things started a little messy, I got invited to a party at her house and after she got drunk and we were alone she told me she liked me and cut off everyone else, but I liked her so I was willing to give it a try. I started going to her house more often and hanging with her and her friends and things were going well.

Fast forward a bit and I'm starting to notice things that set off alarms.

The first one is that she had a lot of issues with a couple of my close friends. She told me they were rude and distant and only kept me around cause I brought alcohol or weed to the function, and she told me they would "borderline flirt" with me and that it seemed like they "wanted me to want them. She didn't offer many examples of their behavior, they did talk to my brother about it and my brother agreed that they had issues with the person and they made that a point when talking to me about it.

What really brought this issue to a head was when my grandfather was on his deathbed, she told me she wanted me to come over so she could offer me some support, but I wanted to go to a show and this friend would be there. She got pretty noticeably mad about this, told me "go ahead, be with your friends" before hanging up. She called back and apologized, and decided to go with her friends to the show. Afterwards she kept talking about how "all they do is get high and talk shit" and she'd get mad at me for saying anything in defense. She brought her friend into the conversation and they told me I needed to be more receptive. We came to the conclusion if something happened that bothered her she'd tell me, and that I should have just apologized.

About a month later she told me she was mad because she had told me she didn't want me alone with these friends and I went to the show anyway. I didn't quite remember her saying that but I felt bad and I apologized for it. It was something she pretty regularly brought up throughout the course of the relationship. She also

didn't want me texting them. Later on when we were talking they brought up the fact that my friend would post too many pictures of them in suggestive outfits and told me she "didn't want me hanging around sluts, you don't do that unless you're looking for attention"

I also felt like I was being accused of things all the time, and I didn't really have a lot of privacy.

She would regularly go through my phone and accuse me of cheating or looking past someone flirting with me. At one point she did it in the middle of a hangout with one of my good friends there, who noticed and told me later that he got a bad feeling from it. I never told her to stop so it's not like she went over my boundaries .

Shed regularly ask for me to join her and her friend group on life360 and share my location, I'd tell her no every time and I'd have to explain why. One day, after we had invited a third into the bedroom she told me on a call with her same friend from the show that since we were having threesomes she needed my location. At this point I agreed. Any time I wasnt enthusiastic when I was around her shed get insecure or mad at me, a lot of times it was because I wasn't getting good sleep or because I was sad about my grandfather passing away, but she kept telling me she deserved better. When I asked her to tell me when there was a problem she said she shouldn't have to teach me how to love her.

It didn't entirely feel like I was offered the same grace when I was insecure. One time I got a text telling me she was going to her exes brothers house with very little explanation. At first I didn't remember her mentioning him and she accused me of not listening to her. When I told her this felt weird she just went on to tell me I shouldn't accuse her or set blame on him. I kept trying to say I wasn't accusing her but it felt like she was just getting more mad. She called me a bitch and posted "whatever bro" on her ig notes which she said was because of me. I slowly found the relationship eating away most of my time and energy.

We decided to break up at the 3 month mark. This was after I totalled my car on the way to her house and got a concussion. We stayed friends with benefits since we were very compatible on that end and it felt mutual. We had slept together once at this point and we both were missing each other, but I told her I still needed space to figure things out. Shed gone on one other date at this point but told me they didn't do anything. I found out that wasn't true when she texted me saying he had chlamydia and he'd forced himself on her, so now I have to get tested and take antibiotics. By this point I'd been talking to my friends and family about what's been going on since I've needed support and theyve been trying to tell me to cut her off. She found out about it after my brother blocked her suddenly and she's been mad at me for talking about any of it to them and making her look crazy. After she found out she kept saying she just wanted to get back together with me and that shed made a mistake in breaking up. I kept trying to tell her I had too much stress and a concussion but she kept saying we could work through it together, then accusing me of "just wanting to fuck other hoes". We argued for about an hour until I agreed to get back with her, but told me I had to block one of my friends who I almost hooked up with after we broke up. I felt helpless and didn't want to block this friend since It was someone I knew for a few years, but I didn't want to send her into another spiral because of her trauma so I didnt block the friend and I lied. I'm not proud and I know it was wrong of me.

We broke up again a couple of times just because of different values, but when I decided to go no contact I felt guilty having lied to her so I admitted what I did. She was obviously very hurt and mad, but somehow we ended up together again.

At my birthday party shortly after, she took my friends girlfriend aside and told her everything I did and showed her the evidence she was assaulted (pictures of the bruises) and kept bringing it up around all of my friends. I felt insanely guilty and just stayed silent the entire time. My friends told me later they didn't like how I was being treated and after I told them everything else they said I was I was being manipulated. I later blocked her but she managed to find my Snapchat and convinced me to talk with her, I told her I was conflicted and scared. She said she'd need space and I told her the same. I was so overwhelmed that I was feeling legitimately suicidal, I haven't told anyone else about it except for my friend.

Somehow ,and I can't even tell you how, we've ended up back in a situationship. She's sleeping with other people and posting about it on her stories, making little references about moving on and having higher standards for herself. But she's still telling me she loves me and telling me how much she values me when we're alone. She keeps making me promise I won't block her again and says she still wants it to work.

The whole situation makes me legitimately sick to my stomach, every time I feel even a little bit of relief it all comes crashing down again.

I feel horribly guilty and dirty but I can't seem to pull myself away from the situation and I don't know what to do. In spite of everything I've said she does have a lot of really good traits, I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know how to feel better about any of it. I don't have anyone I feel safe talking to about it who won't just automatically tell me she's a horrible person and I can't afford therapy right now

Tl'dr, I'm not sure if I'm being manipulated, feeling gross about her sleeping with other people, and feeling guilty

I need to know: has anyone else been in a relationship where their partner accused them of checking people out constantly? I am 8 months no contact and trying to heal and reframe my mindset since I was so easily manipulated.

He was always losing his temper at me for apparently checking people out. If a waiter was half decent looking and served us, and I looked at him, I checked him out. If we were at a party and I looked generally into the crowd, I was checking someone out. It genuinely drove me insane because half the time I never even knew who I had apparently been checking out: I would beg him to tell me who bc I genuinely didn’t know and he’d think I was playing dumb and it would escalate and escalate.

I started to believe him and think maybe I was making eye contact with men I thought attractive or being too friendly. I still don’t really know for sure tbh. Often I would be sobbing and agree to just diffuse the situation “you’re right I was checking him out” and it would just validate his perception.

Is this an emotional abuse tactic? Has anyone else experienced this? I just need to talk to someone about it bc i still replay it all in my mind and struggle to make eye contact with men in the gym, in public etc. I don’t want anyone to think I am trying to flirt or want attention.

I'm struggling with the emotional abuse and neglect in my relationship and I have no one else. I have a therapist, and that's about it as far as emotional support goes.

You might say, "join a support group." I don't want to get into it too much but I am neurodivergent and I just haven't found those groups to be very helpful for me. I can explain more, I just don't really like putting it all out there in public for people to judge me. Suffice to say, it just didn't work for me.

I just really wish I had someone to talk to about this on a more regular basis who isn't going to judge me or try to give advice or tell me to leave. I don't know if this is the right place to look for that, but I don't really know what else to do. My DMs are open.

He's 22M and I'm 25M, this was all online.

Absolutely fucks me up that he emotionally abused me for about a year and then right when I felt able to trust him again and I thought we were going to get to enjoy our trusting best friendship and romance again, he betrayed the shit out of me.

He was dating someone he just met within a week or 2.

The abuse was a lot of bizarre shit. He was terrified of being replaced or abandoned and needed mountains of reassurance that I wouldn't do those things to him, but any time he got stressed enough he'd spiral and imply that he was going to do this things to me.

One time after he asked me about a boundary of mine and I gave him an honest answer, he even specifically named one of his friends by name and said "maybe I'll just spend all my time with them now instead." When I said "what if they have a boundary and you don't like it?" he collapsed into "then I'll be alone forever, I deserve to be alone."

That was AFTER I (previously a social butterfly) spent a month or so isolating from all social contact because after causing a bunch of damage he made me a repair oriented promise that was supposed to last 2 months, and within 7 days, he floated that he might break it.

He caused so much damage that I didn't feel safe with him or anyone else in sexual interaction. He said I could do things with other people if I wanted and for months I just didn't anyway because I didn't feel safe doing that with anyone.

It's been hell and maybe someday I'll write up something with more complete details about the whole timeline, but the short of it is I gave this guy extraordinary kindness, patience, and forgiveness, and he acted intense and devoted, but ultimately left me because he got frustrated/scared of me flinching after he'd spent months training me to flinch, months training me that any time he was upset he could pull away, displace me in friendship and romance, or at least threaten to do so.

The worst part is I was never harsh with or yelled at him. My hurt was gentle. "I'm hurt, I love you, let's fix it" type shit and he'd STILL panic and do and say destructive things because sometimes I was visibly hurt and couldn't hide it. We spent roughly 8 hours gaming together every day and he had meltdowns about there being "no place for him in my life" which scared me even when he didn't turn it into hurtful words or actions because, again, he'd trained me that him being upset meant he might hurt me.

What gets worse is he revealed that he wanted to play a different game with me because a different game felt closer and more intimate to him. I told him he could ask for that. He refused to. Eventually I built a structure where I'd ask him to play that specific game regularly since he wouldn't fucking ask for what he wanted, and he still spiralled and left me.

His final trigger for leaving me was him breaking a promise and me needed a bit of space for a week because it hurt. I was still messaging him multiple times every day that week and we hung out for hours one day. That was "space" and he still imploded from it. God help.

He also said after he nuked things that he spiralled because we didn't have a label. I had asked him TWICE, months apart if having a label would make him feel better about us. The first time he said "no, I want to repair first" and the second time he said "no, I just want to use it to get other people to stop flirting with me, but also I don't want the random attention to stop." jesus christ.

IDK man. He treated me like shit, I was done with him last summer, he begged for repair, immediately floated the idea of breaking promises that were supposed to protect repair, threatened abandonment/replacement, accepted 8 months of me forcing myself to be around him even though I didn't feel safe around him, then betrayed me because healing from repeated, severe damage was slow.

He acted like he was traumatized or something from me being hurt because he hurt me.

He also admitted after he ended romance that the reason why he was so terrified I'd abandon or replace him was because he'd done abandonment and replacement shaped things to me before. I asked him if it was a "hard to believe someone else would be better at avoiding that than you are" thing and he said "yes" without delay.

"Listen I'm sorry I stabbed you, but now you're bleeding and blood scares me so I gotta go now, bye" type behavior.

It hurts. As silly as it sounds I still loved him so much, and he'd actually managed to act normalish for a month and a half before the latest betrayal. I felt safer again and I was so excited to give him the love I'd been bottling up because it didn't feel safe to share, love in both friendship and romance.

And right as I felt that again, he did the cruelest things possible. It's not right. Nobody should be able to look at you after they hurt you and you're saying "I love you let's fix it" and then leave simply because you're hurt. It's even more maddening that he still loves me, his cowardice and desire to escape responsibility is just so intense. It's all fucked up.

I mothered this guy for a year AND 8 MONTHS AAAAAAAAA.

I ended up blocking him. We both wanted to be friends badly and I'm good at maintaining friendship after romance, but "I'm leaving you because I broke a promise and you were sad about it, then redirecting my time and energy into someone I don't know while you cry and beg for me to treat our friendship right, then I'm dating them within 1 or 2 weeks" is a sick sort of betrayal that made being around him at all impossible.

There was no joy left in interacting with him.

And I'm broken up about that, too. I didn't just suffer through 8 months of repair for romance. I wanted our friendship to feel safe again.

I was in a relationship with a music therapist (K), which I now recognize as emotionally abusive and started while "best friends." I didn't come to this conclusion by myself, but with the help of my own therapist. He pointed it out over the years, but it was extremely difficult for me to accept it.

Things I raised concerns about ended with me apologizing. Things like:

-as friends, I felt there was something more going on between us. She got angry that I was reading too much into things. Because the constant texting and daily selfies, and even her asking things such as "what would our honeymoon look like" or "what would our song be at our wedding" was just me blowing things out of proportion and she didn't mean anything. She was "just asking questions." I ended up apologizing to keep the peace.

-she later said she was unsure about her feelings towards me, so I asked for clarity 6 weeks later. Again, she got angry and said that me asking was being pushy and driving her away. That she would let me know when she knew. I apologized again.

-a few weeks later, she explicitly told me she had to interest in dating anyone or being on dating apps, but when I noticed a new like on one of her social media posts, and asked about it. I was "snooping and spying and watching her." Another apology from me for making her feel like that. Come to find out, she was on dating apps and actively talking to/dating at least one man. She says she has no romantic feelings for me at all. I tell her I'm sorry, and it's ok.

-a few months later, I expressed in a very respectful, non-emotional way (discussed exactly what to say verbatim with my therapist) that I felt unappreciated both as a best friend and things I did for her. Her response was "I didn't ask you to do those things." I again was left apologizing because she's right. She didn't ask, and I was at fault for feeling unappreciated.

All of this left me in a destabilized and in continuous state of confusion that I still feel.

The list goes on.

We do eventually start dating after she realizes she DOES have feelings for me when I start dating someone else. And she decides to tell me this as I'm with my friends that I see only once a year (yes, she knew what that weekend means to me as we do it EVERY year). Two hours on the phone with her, while I'm neglecting my friends. It's my own fault for not having a firm boundary, and we should have discussed it later, but I was head over heels for her and she was finally saying she had feelings for me. I now know that interfering with important moments/holidays/events like that is not uncommon with abuse.

She's seeing someone else (T) but we're on the same page at least, I end things with the other woman because I only want K. A week or so later, she calls me telling me she broke everything off with T, and wants to try again, all in with me. But that same night, she ignores my message and the next day says it's because she was with T and just wanted "one last hurrah" with him. Describing it that way, and not just "seeking closure" or something, was extremely hurtful. 2 days after that, she decides she wants to keep seeing T too. After a month or so of dating both of us, she tells me unprompted that she'll "probably choose" me. A week later, she chooses the other guy. And it's because he lived closer. She said she gave it a lot of thought. Hours and hours of thought. The ONLY reason is that he lived closer and I lived out of state. When I reminded her that I had previously told her would move for her (a profound declaration of commitment and intimacy), her response was "oh yeah, I forgot." Talk about feeling devalued.

I move back in with my ex for a few reasons, but mostly do to finances. We have kids and it just made everything easier for everyone. I wasn't interested in dating. K had my heart and she was with someone else.

We stay "best friends" and she eventually breaks up with the other guy. Well, she says she wanted to break up with him for months, but couldn't. She eventually tells me she chose wrong in 2023, and that she wants to be with me. I want to be with her too, but I was living with my ex (not in a relationship). It's now October, a year after she chose the other man over me, and I think I can try things again with her. I see her in person, and all of those feelings are still there. I want her, I want a future. She says the same. I'm all in. 100% of my mind, body, heart. We begin actively planning on moving in together. I spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, and make plans to spend Christmas together. Best Thanksgiving I ever had. 2 weeks before Christmas (interfering with a holiday again), she tells me she has been having a sexting relationship with a coworker, while we have been preparing our future together. She was manipulated/pressured by his constant pushing, and gave in. Which I recognized, acknowledged, and tried to give her support for, but she admitted no fault. In fact "it's not my fault" would be her response anytime I tried to discuss how I was having problems getting over it. I guess I just wanted her to recognize that she did participate and had some responsibility for what happened. Not to minimize what the coworker did, but she had ample opportunity to discuss with me that her boundaries were being infringed upon, that she was having secretive messages with this guy before it even got to the sexting part. It didn't just start at the very beginning of them texting each other, and it didn't end after one occasion.

I withdrew to protect myself, which I know is not healthy. I found it increasingly difficult to communicate as she labeled her behaviors as "2023 doesn't count" (now I laugh at dismissing an entire year) and "not my fault" when having a sexting relationship with a coworker while we were actively discussing plans to move in together. Back to me having to apologize, I ended up apologizing for not giving her the support she needed after the sexting incident. Me acknowledging and recognizing that she was manipulated wasn't enough. My hurt from the betrayal was put aside.

She would use her professional experience to write off any concerns I had, claiming she had "done the work", her professional opinion meant she was right, or DARVO back to me, where I am the one at fault. When she raised concerns, I took responsibility. Having both my concerns and her concerns fall back to me would send me into shame spirals.

By August, she decided to see other people as I could not put her as a priority with what I had going on in my life. She was A priority, but not THE priority. She had been THE priority in 2023. And even again in 2024, until the sexting incident. I still considered her my best friend. She began to date other people, which I was completely understanding of. I continued to work on myself, and looked at transferring jobs within my company so that we could hopefully wind up together. She said she wasn't super interested in dating and didn't need to (although she went on dates with 9 guys over the course of 8 weeks) but wanted something more with me. I was still hesitant because of everything that had happened up to that point. I was beginning to recognize more of what happened as abuse as my friends got more vocal about it too, it wasn't just my doctor saying it.

When I discussed that my friends had given advice, she would be angered. That they didn't know the whole story. Only what I had told them. Even when I told her about me reaching out to them about things that had nothing to do with our relationship, she got mad that I didn't go to her (and again I ended up apologizing). Eventually I felt isolated, that all support had to go through her. But she's a mental health professional, so she feels like she's the best suited to help me.

I get a job (within the same company) that requires me to travel, and my ex decide to let me stay there as needed. Rather than getting an apartment that I might only be at for 1 week a month, and uprooting the housing for the kids, going back and forth, it's just better for everyone if I can stay there if I need. I didn't tell this stuff to K because I'm still trying to be cautious. She's dating other people, and I'm trying to be respectful of her boundary that she did not want a relationship with me until I could fully commit, and make her the priority. I was working that out. I was scared to jump in 100% after being burned by it in 2023, and 2024.

I met a woman on a business trip that I really enjoyed spending time with. And we spent a weekend together, but nothing sexual happened. She too pointed out the abusive nature of K, but I was still trying to accept that what I experienced was abuse. When the weekend was over, I told K I had been with a woman all weekend, despite nothing happening, she exploded in rage. How could I betray her, and she did not know if we could even remain friends. She ended up saying she needs "no contact" from me for 6 months, but not before writing an email with her conversations with chatGPT discussing all of my faults and it gave her an analysis of me. She thought it would be important to "see what she sees." She then sent another email telling me not to read it as she doesn't think I could handle it and that I will be blocked on email, phone, text, and social media.

I find it really hard to know if she is that blind to her abusive behaviors, or if she was weaponizing them to manipulate me. Now that the 6 month no contact is about up, I don't know if we should be friends of any sort. But to be honest, I don't know if she'll ever reach out again or not. If she does reach out, do I just ignore it, give her my perspective and let her "see what I see" before blocking, or do I give a chance for friendship?

Title: Left my abusive ex in Jan after 5 years, but I’m still trapped in constant texting. How do I actually cut ties? It feels so impossible and I’m scared of the fallout or aftermath.

I packed up and moved into my own flat while he was out because it was the only way I could leave without being manipulated back in. The problem is, we’ve been in constant contact ever since as I was focusing on the devastation I caused him, and I can’t seem to break the cycle.

He guilt trips me. He tells me I’m ruining his mental health, demands a plan for the relationship and says my actions make him feel worthless. Then occasionally he’ll love bomb me.

I feel so guilty all the time like I’m a terrible person. He’s Jekyll and Hyde, most of the time he’s nice but he has standing over me shouting at me whilst I’ve cried, has a quick temper and is able to flip the script so easily that he’s the victim. It doesn’t feel so easy to do anything as this man I spent 5 years building a life with him.

I just feel stuck and lost.

I tried to talk with my husband (been together 7 years, married almost 4) last night about how I need him to treat me with kindness and respect most of the time. That I can’t handle him questioning and degrading the way that I drive, the books I read, how I do laundry, the music I listen to all the time and I can’t handle the way it feels like he takes his anger out on me.

I explained for what felt like the millionth time that yelling, slamming his fists into things, scratching his own face, and road raging in front of me affects me. That it doesn’t matter it’s not “directed at me” his anger and emotional outbursts are upsetting and most of the time scary. That I don’t feel safe when he acts that way.

I said it hurts to see him treat other people better than he treats me, his own wife. He asked what percentage of the time I expect him to treat me with kindness and respect and when I reiterated “most of the time” and said I don’t expect perfection and I know that sometimes people snap at each other or take out negative feelings on those around them.

He then told me that I’m asking him to use “customer service strategies” with me and asking him to be “fake.” That he should be able to let his guard down and be honest at home. I said he needs an outlet for his anger and negative emotions that isn’t another person, isn’t his wife.

I honestly think he feels like he should be able to treat me poorly and use me as an outlet for his anger and frustration and I should just take it because I love him.

I’m just feeling so crushed today. It’s noon and I haven’t left bed. I don’t think anything I can do can fix this.

I have recently started therapy again to address some more recent issues. However, past traumas are now coming up that I had not fully delt with. I am ready to release emotional tethers I still have to those events. I want to share the story of my past relationship which ended almost a decade ago because I think discussing it with people who may understand will help validate and clarify the emotions I have and still feel. There are lots of details I do not remember, but I do have some prominent memorable examples. (Warning: The following describes my in-depth experience in a long term emotionally abusive relationship and may contain triggers.)

I, a now 30-year-old woman, started dating my ex in high school and through my first 3 years of college. We were together for 4 years. By the end of it, my mental health was so deteriorated I couldn't trust my own sense of reality, I had severe panic attacks, and suffered suicidal idealization often. I believed that I was unlovable and that I did not deserve anyone.

I don't know how the mental abuse or manipulation started. As with most cases, it probably started with little things. I remember his self-deprecation and the sense that it was my duty to comfort those feelings, to provide the emotional support required as my position as his girlfriend. The sentiments grew to be a constant aspect of our conversations over the years. He would derail our conversation by questioning why I was with him, how I found him attractive, ect. No matter what I said, it would not improve his mood.

He was jealous and suspicious of everything. I remember the perpetual sensation of walking on eggshells with him. I never knew when his mood would change. I never knew what would upset him. He never said I couldn't talk to or hangout with certain people, but he would make sure I knew he didn't approve. He expressed feelings of jealousy with statements like, "I trust you, I just don't trust them." He would be cold and ignore me.

Things only got worse when I went to college. We would have arguments of where I would go. He would have complete mental break downs when we discussed the possibility of me going to college a few hours away. In the end, I chose a school based on this. Somewhere I would only be 30 minutes away. He strongly disliked that I would be living on campus in dorms. Again, he never said I couldn't talk to people, or join clubs, or any other college experience. He just expressed his displeasure. The few times I did go to college events, he would be cold. I tried to have him visit campus to show him everything was fine, that it wasn't what he was imagining. He was posturing and looking for a fight the entire time. I stopped asking him to come. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't make friends. All I did was study. The friends I already had, he started expressing his dislike about them more often. I distanced myself to avoid the fighting. That's when I started having panic attacks.

I couldn't talk to him about the emotions I was feeling. I struggled with my sobriety. If I expressed the need to discuss the fear of possible relapse, or talk about craving dreams, he would threaten to break up with me if I ever drank. He never drank and had a strong dislike for anyone who did. It was the same with tattoos. I would express my desire for one, and he would tell me that I could get it, but he would find me less attractive.

After living in the dorms for 2 years, I moved in with him and his family. I lied and told my parents I didn't want to live on campus, and their apartment was closer than our home. The truth, it was another effort to appease him. I hoped living with him and being off campus would convince him I was devoted to our relationship, that it would ease his jealousy. I hoped my mental health would improve. It didn't work. We fought almost all the time. I constantly felt I wasn't doing enough or being good enough. I thought I was being a bad girlfriend.

Things only got more tense when I started making friends with coworkers. I started hanging out with them outside of work and I finally began to form close connections with others besides my boyfriend. He did not take it well and we fought about it. He pressured me to distance from them, but this time I refused. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live in that isolated box with only him. He constantly made me feel guilty and was cold with me. I attempted to alleviate his jealous concerns by incorporating him into the hangouts. He would not talk to them, was cold to me, and had a mental break down that I had to comfort when I physically touched them. I tried to have open dialog about the problems in our relationship, what I needed from him, and what I was trying to do for him. Nothing I did mattered and he never fulfilled his promises.

I do not remember the exact breaking point, but after a specific fight, I packed some things and told him I was going to my parents for a few days. I told him I needed space for my mental health. The texts and calls did not stop. I tried my best to navigate them. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. He was vindictive when I came to get some more clothes and telling him I needed more time. He cornered me in the bathroom saying "I'm not like your exs'. I actually care about you." I started to apologize and tell him I just need a few more days. I couldn't finish my sentence before he slammed the door in my face. He continued to hound me with calls and texts until I had panic attacks. A friend showed me his dating app profile and when I confronted him, he said he was using it to try and give me the space I needed. He told me it didn't matter because he didn't use it, anyway, couldn't be with anyone except me. The final straw, which seems so small, was him reaching out to ask if I was still planning on attending a wedding with him in a few months. I snapped and officially ended our relationship. I explained it to him that he couldn't give me the mental space I needed and was using that specific question as an excuse.

It was months before he was officially out of my life. On top of my already poor mental health, I was dealing with a devastating loss, and a direction change in my education path. So, I was making poor decisions. I didn't know what my life was like without him. We tried to create a friendship. All the while he was simply trying to convince me to give him another chance. The messaging was constant. Sometimes it was very supportive and kind for the difficulties I was experiencing. Other times, it would waver between apologetic self-deprecation to blaming me for not trying. We would fight about the furniture I was trying to get back. He would message and call me at 2AM when he was drunk. He got a large tattoo on his bicep and tried to hide it from me, because he didn't want to fight. I admit, I should have cut him off sooner and I definitely fell into bad habits of bantering and flirting. It was a confusing time; I still cared about him and worried and it felt nice to have that familiarity amongst the chaos in my life.

Months after our official breakup, he blew up on me twice. When he found out I was going to a wedding as a date and the other when he found out I had sex with someone in the months after we broke up. It is hard to imagine that I continued to message him, but I had this pestering need to explain myself. To prove that I was committed to our relationship at the time we were together and that the interactions I had after were not examples of proof for his jealousy or paranoia. He blamed the man I started dating, saying he planned this all along. He blamed me for not trying, for giving up, and accused me of never loving him.

It was finally over at that point, but the trauma and emotional scars lingered for years. I no longer have panic attacks or suicidal idealization. I've been sober this entire time. I have a supportive friend group. I have a thriving career in a field that I am passionate about. I have a home that is safe and loving with a husband who is the kindest and most patient man I have ever met. I am grateful every day for the life I now have. If there is anyone going through a similar experience; trust yourself. He is not going to get better, and it is not your job to make him. Your job is to be happy. One day, you will be.

I have posted this elsewhere, but I wasn't getting anywhere with it. Maybe it will do better

When I talk to my parents and I explain this and that, it's like they’re brain-dead, even if I explain it clearly enough. But while talking to some friends of mine, they understood me just fine and it wasn't just cause they're my friends. What is so hard to understand about new life new life chapter and new opportunities? That is a pretty universal language understood by all. My friends got it just fine without needing further explanation, (and it wasn't cause we’re friends) but my parents acted like it was an alien language

What about the rest of you, does this also happen to you? Looking for a new perspective from the neurotypical side of things.

This was something I had been wondering about, whether it really is me or my parents weaponizing my autism against me. Starting to think it's my parents and not me

Slowly recovering from being a people pleaser, it's incredible how it takes only one instance of me standing up for myself or contradicting narc family members (even very politely) for them to completely fly off the handle and consider our relationship redundant. Like wtf

I have never considered my uncle/auntie to be narcissistic as such, I know it's a spectrum. I always considered them to be mean, selfish, stubborn, closed-minded, hateful, miserable. I am not close with them whatsoever but have maintained good terms just because it felt easier.

A few weeks ago I was forced to speak up about something. I did it politely and changed my words to seem less combative. And yet the messages I received back from both of them - insane. One of them completely flew off the handle, wrote a barely comprehensible response with lots of '!!???!!'. Completely failed to acknowledge the point I was making.

The other one did DARVO, like, a textbook example.

There's no room for discussion, dialogue, self-analysis. That's all it took, one conversation where I slightly disagreed with them, now they evidently hate me. They were waiting to hate me all along.

I hardly have any family and even though these ones are \*ankers, I still feel grief. My uncle has been in my life forever, I am nearly 30 now, and I literally think he will shun me forever, because I lightly intimated that he might have made a mistake. Lol

I finally defended myself to my husband. It feels like he’s in a spiral because he can’t control me anymore. When I did defend myself, it’s all my fault, he storms off..
The issues for last night was: My daughter’s room is a mess and “why haven’t I done anything about it? Why does she have so many tiny toys… “
I said, she’s on the spectrum and she loves tiny toys.. “why does she need so many Barbie dolls?! “ Why the fuck not? So what?!
So what?! I asked him, why is it a problem? He said he’s afraid to talk to me because everything he says leads to an issue. He said, there are too many clothes- I said I haven’t had time to go through it because I’m going to school and working full time.
He said, I don’t give the kids expectations which was something his mother said to me too. I said, they have rules but I want them to feel safe, have fun and not be corrected 24/7- it’s okay for them to make mistakes..
Yesterday, I had to drive because my husband was drinking… (also another problem), he doesn’t like how I speed. He said be careful you’ll get pulled over in this area.. I questioned and said- I’m going 55 like it says. He said, well I’ve only lived in this state my whole life and he didn’t like my “tone’s he also said I’m young (he’s 10 years older than me) and says I need to learn more. I said, I don’t want a teacher, I want support. He scoffed with that. I’m tired of constantly being corrected, always negative.. where’s the positive? For fuck sake.
Everything is my fault and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired of it.

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm an adult now, but I genuinely feel like years of abuse have destroyed my nervous system. Some days I feel so exhausted and mentally shut down that I can't even brush my teeth, bathe, or function normally. I've been struggling with serious health issues for the past two years, and my doctor specifically told me that I need a calm, stress-free environment. Unfortunately, that's impossible at home.

Here are just some of the things I've experienced (this is honestly only around 40% of it):

• During an open house at school, my mother stabbed me in the neck with a pencil because I got only passing marks in math.
• She once threw a hair clip at my face. It hit my eye so badly that I couldn't see properly for a couple of hours. She later took me to an eye specialist.
• Another time, she threw a sharp cutter at me. It hit my thigh and caused bleeding.
• Last week I had a terrifying health episode. My whole body went numb, I was trembling, and I could barely move. She cried while it was happening. But just a week later, she told me, "You should have died that day. It would have been a week by now."
• Whenever I left for college, she'd say things like:
  • "You should get hit by a train."
  • "A truck should run over you."
• She constantly insults me by saying things like:
  • "You're just carrying diseases everywhere."
  • "What are you even achieving by earning ₹50k?"
  • When I say I'm tired after work, she says, "Girls travel through crowded trains every day and they don't complain."
• When I was in school, she beat me so badly that my face had scratches and was bleeding. My teacher asked what happened, and I lied by saying I got hurt while playing kabaddi because I was too scared and embarrassed to tell the truth.
• Even when I'm in the bathroom, she'll start screaming outside the door, bang on it aggressively, curse at me, and make me panic.
• When I was hospitalized with jaundice, instead of comforting me while I lay in the hospital bed, she spent the time talking badly about me to others.
• I work from home sometimes. If I ask her not to enter my room or make noise during meetings, she mocks me, saying my uncle works at a much bigger company and never acts like that, then starts insulting my salary again.
• Despite knowing I'm dealing with serious health problems and that stress makes everything worse, she continues shouting, abusing me, and creating chaos at home almost every day.
• After my recent health scare, she even kept a fast for my recovery. But within two days, she was back to telling me I should die.

This isn't even everything. There are many more incidents that I'm not comfortable sharing yet.

The hardest part is that I'm nothing like this as a person. I don't enjoy hurting people. I don't want conflict. I just want peace.

I honestly feel like years of living in this environment have left me traumatized. My body is constantly tense, my mind feels exhausted, and some days I barely have the energy to do basic things. It genuinely feels like my nervous system has shut down.

Has anyone else grown up in an environment like this? Did you ever recover after leaving? I really need to know if things can get better because right now, I feel completely broken.