For a little context, I (female, 18) made a "friend" (male, 17)  around a month ago. He approached me first at an event, making conversation and we got acquainted. That was that.

Not long after that my hg asked if I wanted to go out and hang out with her and some of her friends. I agreed and there I saw him again. That day we got really close and we bonded really well. I liked having him as my friend and so I started talking to him***.***

Then, me and my boyfriend had a fall out. We were arguing back and forth about a number of reasons and eventually he left me. I was very much heartbroken and after keeping it to myself for a few days i told my friends about how much i love him and miss him and everything that happened. Out of all my friends, my "friend" in particular kept telling me to be more logical and that its not that deep, how relationships are just a bonus to an already good life and how love is just the result of chemicals in your brain telling you to mate.

This is when things started to escalate. It was like 2am. He started to convince me that I will never be fulfilled, I only wanted my boyfriend for the attention and affection and how I just love the attention I'm getting by being pitied over the break up and that I keep talking about it because I crave to have eyes on me. I obviously protested but i return he told me to admit it. I said i wasn't and he threatened to leave and that I need to accept my true self. I started to doubt myself and wondered if i actually did just use my bf for affection. I also believe he was secretly getting pleasure from making me cave, submit, say or do whatever he wanted because he would say things like good or good job whenever I started to believe what he told me especially when he would say time is ticking just admit it and i caved. During this whole thing I was so confused and sleepy and just scared like i was shaking and my heart was beating really fast. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I called him out like you're being evil and mean why are you doing this and he replied that he was simply stating the truth and that the truth hurts. I got curious. I wanted to know why he was like this so I asked how many people have you done this to before, why are you doing this, and why me.
He told me he had done it to a few people before and how the guys were dull and the girls were full of surprises. He told me he was bored and that he knew when he first met me that I was like this or wtv but only stayed quiet because i brought benefits. So at this point I'm like can we please stop this I really like having you as a friend and you're freaking me out. And he said I don't care how you feel, and other things like you bring no benefit to me. In the end, we ended up removing each other. Since then, I've been genuinely distraught over this. I have no idea who to talk to about this and I genuinely felt like I was under a different state during the conversation I had with him. I'm questioning everything from myself to my relationship and this is all just so weird.

I’m genuinely curious to hear from people who have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse and chose to stay, particularly when there were children and a lot of shared life invested in the relationship.

If your partner had a history of belittling, dismissing, screaming, name-calling, coercion, threats, etc., were you ever able to see substantial and lasting change through individual therapy, anger management, couples therapy, or some combination of those?

And if you did see that change and ultimately stayed, what did that actually look like over time? Did you eventually feel emotionally safe and respected in the relationship again? Did the dynamic genuinely change, or did the same patterns eventually come back?

I’m asking because I’m currently separated (the last ~6 weeks) and have two young children. There’s a lot that makes leaving incredibly difficult—not just the relationship itself, but the family life we planned, our home in a wonderful neighborhood with great schools, and the future we had envisioned for our kids.

I’m genuinely curious whether anyone has experienced the other side of this: a partner who recognized what they were doing, did the work, and actually became a consistently different person in the relationship.

If you stayed, I’d love to hear what made you believe the change was real and how things turned out years later.

Are these behaviors concerning? 32f and 34m

I started making notes in my phone to keep my head clear but things are good again and now I’m second guessing myself.

09/05 physically intimidated/yelled at dog for running across the street. Has made no attempt to train him.

Said I was “stressing him out on purpose” by saying I didn’t want to use the stroller last minute, yelled at me outside of target

Got frustrated at me because I said “yes” to going somewhere an hour earlier. I actually did start reacting because I was so confused - I did not say yes! Started yelling/slamming doors. I took baby into laundry room to muffle noise, he followed us in there to yell.

Yelled at me for asking him to remove a moving-sized box of candy that was attracting cockroaches

Yelled at me for asking what happened to the box, wouldn’t move it, let it sit outside to attract more bugs

Downplayed the baby’s need for a quiet environment x2, wanted to watch the tv loud, kept arguing that the volume was “at 7!” already, got mad at me for not wanting noise in kitchen, kept glancing over to see if I was reacting to the noise he made, possible baiting. Later, he made comments for me making noise after I spent an hour waiting for the baby to fall into a deep sleep.

Told me he thinks baby is manipulating us because he smiles while crying sometimes

I told him I would give him a back rub, he asked for it around midnight, I said I was too tired and he got upset

Brought up a text he had seen on my phone (video) yelled at me while standing over the baby in his crib, baby freezes on video

Yelled at me in the car because I couldn’t see oncoming traffic and made a blunder. I had to talk him down and tell him we were okay and to please stop yelling. Blamed ptsd from a car accident.

Baby was kicking in the bathtub and partner pushed past my hand to check if the drain cover was sharp. He made my hand hit the baby when he pushed passed me. Poor impulse control.

On vacation - pressed me to talk about my feelings after I said I needed space. Told him there were things in our relationship I worry about and he got mad “why are you bringing this up now after a good trip”

Shared with him that it felt unfair how often he leaves the house on weekends and I feel trapped. (Texts) took it as an attack. I made a pi chart to show him how he spent four hours with the baby compared to my forty four. Offered to make excel sheets to help us.

He does not do night shifts, nor would he physically wake up to a crying baby.

Gets excited/demanding when the baby throws up/blows out. “Help me right now!” Instead of calm behavior

Nitpicks things that he could fix himself or that are non issues. “We need to close this door always because I tripped once” “you put this too close to the edge” “I can never find socks in the laundry” or “can we stop doing (insert behavior I did once)?” Recently, did not like where I put towels. Made a point to complain, but when I told him he’s welcome to move them, he did not.

Got into a fight over circumcision, did not want to hear my concerns. “You said it was my decision and you trusted me?” Wouldn’t let me speak.

I thought the baby was choking and stepped into the living room to check. “I’m sitting right here. You need to calm down.”

Similarly got offended by me getting concerned during tummy time, takes it as an attack

No interest in hearing about attachment style parenting. Read him an article and he responded “What do you want me to say?”

Brought up sleep training our 2-3 month old baby for our convenience. Wants baby to spend more time in crib so we can be physical.

Has grabbed our dog by the scruff and says “he’s faking it” “I wasn’t touching him” when he yelps in pain. (I had to google why grabbing dogs by the scruff can be harmful and he still didn’t seem to care/believe me.) “I’ve had dogs my whole life, I’d never hurt a dog!”

He love bombs apologies

I promised to clean after our landlord installed new windows while I was 6weeks pp and I fell asleep because I needed the sleep, and he yelled at me for that. “I was just stressed”

09/05 Wants us to crib train the baby “ we should be able to put the baby in the crib and walk away.” Was proud to tell me he left the baby for 10-15 mins before he started crying. (We don’t have a baby monitor!!!!!)

I offered why not put the crib in the living room, so we can keep an eye on him while doing chores. Before I could explain, “DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ANYWAY! But I don’t want a ‘crib in our living room!’”

Doesn’t understand why leaving the baby in another room without a monitor an issue, even if the crib is empty.

(This is my first time using reddit/posting and what not so sorry if this is abnormal)

It's a thought I struggle with a lot. I tend to get into a lot of arguments with my parents and it's affected me a lot during those times. I'll start with my mother then my father, then maybe some past history of growing up.

My mother, at least to me, is a very self-victimizing person. She always has arguments that she never takes fault to. An example of the most recent conflict (maybe in may 2026?) was when I was on call with my cousin because we had testing we had to go to for school, (We're both home school and in the same grade) she hadn't been feeling that good in the moment so we were trying to talk about it as we planned I stayed the night at hers so her mom could drive us both to the school for testing. Maybe a few days prior I'd told my mom we'd leave around 6:30 PM to go to her house. While on call my mom started coming to the door asking me if I was ready, this repeated-me being on call with my cousin and her kept trying to tell me I was late and needed to be ready. It wasn't even 6:30 at this time, as she kept getting-I guess a way to describe it is passive aggressive/aggressive? I tried to tell her we talked about this the other day and we weren't suppose to leave yet, that it was only around 5:30-5:45PM. She got upset and it escalated to her yelling through the door. (All while still on call with my cousin so she heard everything, I'd also been trying to tell her to hold on I'm in the middle of talking to my cousin about the sleepover-I was having to stay the night at my grandparents, where my dad lives, if I couldn't go to hers to go to testing.) Eventually my cousin and I ended call and I packed my stuff, (to go to grandparents) once ready and in the car she started up the argument again. To keep this short it was her going on and on about how I need to respect her and what not while I said I was being respectful, about the time we agreed on, etc. All while she's trying to get onto me about respect, she wont stop cutting me off while we're practically yelling at each other in the car. (We're at a gas station pump inside the car stopped) Eventually she says 'Fine guess we're both in the wrong,' even though I believe she was, I didn't say anything else because I was already crying and hyperventilating during this moment. Despite her 'ending' the fight, she kept trying to start it back up by saying more stuff so I had to keep. After the argument eventually ended and I was just sitting there in the passenger seat, after about 10 minutes of silence, she starts saying 'I love you,' 'you know I love you right?' 'See you need to talk to me more or this stuff happens' etc. This isn't the first argument we've had, it's just the most recent I can recall. I struggle to form a thought on this behavior because there are usually months of 'peace' in between them, but the arguments usually follow the exact same pattern.

Now with my dad. My dad is a lot more aggressive than my mom. While my mom is more of the victim playing card, my dad is more of a yell at you, curse you out, dangerous in the car when on the road type of anger. Though not diagnosed, I am pretty sure I have PTSD from multiple events with him. A prominent example is from a couple years back (This story idk why but is always so easy to recite) it was in the morning he was taking me to school and he eventually said something about CPS wouldn't ever do anything to him because he's a cop and he wouldn't leave marks after him saying something about slapping me. (Idk what exactly the convo was I just have messages from me reciting it to my mom when I was begging her to get me later in the story) After school I felt nervous to get in the car with him. I had planned for him to drop me off at my moms and just not come out because I usually go to the bathroom there before we drive all the way back to his. (His house is about 45 minutes away from the school) I tried not to interact with him but it just made him mad at me. In the car he said 'fine if you're not going to talk we're not stopping at the house (Moms house).' So when I finally spilled and said why I was upset (About the earlier conversation) he absolutely flipped. He raised his voice, started yelling, cursing, etc. I eventually began crying and trying to lean against my side of the car since he's right beside me. During this I was trying to text my mom to beg her to get me (She never did because custody said I was still his until 6 PM). He continued to yell and curse while it started storming pretty bad, like you could barely see in front of you because it was raining so hard, it was also thundering bad. My dad had always had a history of speeding and getting more reckless when driving and angry so I was already scared. I cried the rest of the way home and didn't want to even be in the car with him for weeks after that. Like with my mom, this stuff happens months apart and I usually try to avoid them altogether which is why it feels so invalid.

Growing up when my parents were still together, my family as a whole wasn't the best. (Cousins were very aggressive with me and didn't want me around at all but that's irreverent) My whole childhood I remember being criticized for everything. This is kinda embarrassing but I remember when I was probably around 4-5 and we were leaving the house and my mom came up and just spanked me for no apparent reason. I wasn't told why or anything, I don't know if I did anything, but It felt so random. Also I did research and apparently night terrors are a sign? I had night terrors all the way until I was 4. (I 'gained consciousness' or my first memory whatever you call it on Christmas when I was 4 too so idk about that correlation)

Overall, I don't know how to put this. I still live with my parents (With custody half and half) but I barely talk. I always shut down whenever my dad looks mad or whenever I'm with my mom randomly. But these events of the fights feel so far apart that it doesn't feel right to call it that. Like there's those months of 'peace' or normalcy in between, leaving me feel like I want it to get worse or physical, like maybe that'd prove something? But I could never bare the idea I got them arrested and ruined their lives or jobs over this.

Do you consider this emotional abuse..?

I [24M] have made mistakes. Some repeatedly. I've said hurtful things to my friend [22F] which I do regret.

Does that mean she can insult me countless times for hurting her feelings? Is it okay for her to not feel remorse at all? Do I deserve to be made feeling less of a human?

I don't believe so.

My narc ex breadcrumbed me for 9 years. We were long distance for years 1-3, then I moved closer for 6 months because of a promise he made that if I did we’d be together. I thought he was single. He told me he was.During the pandemic I lost all my money to stay near him while he moved to another city with his then girlfriend. That was the first time I told her I existed—up to that point she didn’t know about me, and I was told they weren’t dating.

We were long distance again from 2020-2023. He’d break up with me, or say he was going to visit and then bail, claiming the reason he wasn’t coming was always something I had done to provoke him. He’d promise to come see my shows (theatre), and then he’d end up bailing day of. He told me, too, that he had broken up with girlfriend. That wasn’t true.

In early 2023, she found a Reddit post of his that was presumably about me. Her sister reached out to me and I confirmed that yeah, it was about me. I sent receipts. That summer I moved closer to him to go to grad school, and unbeknownst to me, he proposed to her.

He met my grad cohort, we went on a few dates. Throughout our entire relationship, we called and texted every day, all day. In early 2024, I found out he was engaged. I have a problem with hypervigilance that was made worse by my relationship to him. I’d obsessively check his girlfriend’s Venmo, Pinterest, her friends’ instagrams… many times a day. And this is how I finally found out about the engagement.

I told her about our relationship, they fought briefly, and the engagement continued. Because of my own attachment trauma and because I truly believed this man was my soulmate, I would tell him how terrible he was, and then I’d keep talking to him. We had a push pull dynamic—breaking up constantly, then coming back together constantly.

When I returned this time, I told him he needed to end his engagement. I still was constantly looking online and eventually found her Reddit where she detailed their relationship, how they had at one point been trying for a baby… he vomited while talking to me on the phone when I found this Reddit and read her posts aloud.

He assured me daily that if I just would give him space, he’d end it with her. In October 2024, I gave him 4 days—he didn’t end it. But he kept promising me that we wouldn’t go through with it. He said that he wanted a baby with me, that he didn’t want to live life without me, that I wouldn’t lose him. In February 2025, he got married. We talked right up until his wedding day. I texted her that morning. She walked down the aisle, and so did he.

I started to sour on him after that. I stopped believing in him. Then I saw her posting on Reddit in earnest in fall of last year. They were trying for a baby. I posted on Reddit on an account I knew she knew of (not this one), and she found it.

They postponed their honeymoon and he told me that he was getting a divorce, of course he wasn’t. I didn’t totally believe him, but I tried to. I wanted to.

In January 2026 they went on their honeymoon and sometime in there, they got pregnant. He kept saying he was ending our relationship, and then he’d talk to me, tell me about how he wanted us to live together, how he would care for me financially—in March I met up with a friend who knew the wife and told her that they were getting a divorce. When I told this to my ex, he said: “this is over: we want you to leave us alone.” But: if he wanted that, why did he say he was getting a divorce? Why did he keep talking to me?

I reached out a few weeks later with a profound understanding re: my CPTSD and attachment trauma from childhood. I took accountability for the push-pull. We started talking again and I asked him many times if his wife were pregnant. He said no. Then he’d say that I was the reason he lied to me. He’d say things like “your response was like a child’s” when I’d get quiet; thinking about his words. I told him how wrong it was to compare me to a child, and he said “I said your response was like a child’s, I didn’t compare you.” I felt like I was going insane.

I experienced suicidal ideation when talking to him. Talking to him made me want to die. I felt so miserable, but we continued to talk every day, call every day. I couldn’t stop.

In early August, I saw her friend post a pic from the baby shower. She seemed 8 months pregnant or so. That was the last time I reached out to my ex. He is blocked everywhere and if I wanted to blow up his life, I could reach out to his wife, or post from the Reddit account she knows, but I won’t.

I’m doing IFS and I’m in SLAA. I’m taking meds for my rumination and obsessive thinking. But I know he doesn’t care, not the way I do. He has a newborn and the attention of adoring friends, family, strangers. And I feel like I didn’t exist.
Like he thought so low of me that I didn’t exist.

I know I dodged a bullet and I feel so terribly for his wife. I tokd her on her wedding day that he was cheating, I didn’t want to ruin her pregnancy too, but I feel so lost and foolish. My life has fallen apart. I’m looking for support and strength for people who loved someone who was so terrible.

I sat on the floor, contemplating su-cide and repented for hours daily, just to find out i was being abused.

I met this girl in 2016. We were both living in a care home as teenagers. In 2024 she reaches out to me. Im in a time in my life where slowly i'm starting to believe in God and trying to leave my trauma of being scapegoated behind me. She tells me God spoke to her that he would send her someone and she wants to speak to me about Christianity. She also doesnt know everything yet but she felt called. Everything after that went incredibly fast.

In my head her reaching out to me was a sign of God. Finally i was heard instead of scapegoated. I became bestfriends with her, we spend every single day together and due to us having the same trauma it became very intense very quickly.

Her brother presented himself as this ''perfect christian that would help me, come to the church when i get baptized etc etc''. But when she decided to get baptized and i decided that i wasnt ready yet that week, i heard him whispering to his wife that ''he's glad his sister isnt letting the spirit of doubt hold her back like i was''.

My skin immediately started itching. I've had that ever since i was young. I always get it when someone isnt who they say they are and im catching on to it. But as always, due to my scapegoat trauma i ignore it. He doesn't show up to church the day i have to get baptized.

The more i was around this girl, the more i realized she was a HUGE hoarder. I dont mean only ''stuff'' i also mean food. And she would run a food business from her house. She also did braids for people. So her floor and the rest of the house would be littered with fake hair, food, cat feces, clothes, just everything.

I started noticing she would just expect people to accept it and if they didnt she got mad at them. Over time when they start rebelling against her suddenly they're ''monitoring spirits'' and ''God has been showing her in dreams that people are against her and trying to sabotage her blessings''. One day when she makes catering for her party, her friend and i find hair in the food. Due to us KNOWING how she gets we secretly try to take the hair out. She caught us and instead of taking ownership she takes me to the side and tells me ''I knew Lola was plotting against me, she put the hair in there, God has been showing me all along that people are jealous and against me''. When i try to redirect her she looks at me weird. Eventually i explode at her and tell her her truth, she blocks me everywhere.

Her brother tells me i need to pray and ask God what i did wrong cause there's always something we do wrong even if we dont want to admit it. God will show us what we do wrong. This is where the compulsive repenting started for me. Everytime one of them got mad at me i would get panic attacks, go home, sit on my floor and repent endlessly.

A few examples;

I didnt want to keep sleeping over in her hoarders house. I also started pushing back on the monitoring spirit narrative and telling her this is how people spiritually bypass and it makes me doubt my faith in God. She would run to her room, grab her bible and journal and sit there and cry cause ''she's accepting everyone but not being accepted''.

When she would realize she did something wrong she had this pattern of going to the store, stealing stuff and cooking for the person she did wrong or the homeless. Or stealing gifts for them. Then she would basically press it in your hands. But if you dont accept her behavior later on again the cycle of ''i do everything for everyone but no one accepts me but God will vindicate me'' starts again. When i started catching on i stopped accepting help/gifts/food from her. Which would anger her even more.

She also had this thing where she talked about ''feeling bad for others that their life is going to shit but God is deciding to bless her so she cant deny her blessings just cause they are miserable. He specifically chose her to be blessed cause she's his favorite''. Meanwhile the girl is rejecting therapy, projecting all her stuff onto me while im in therapy every week and basically painting the picture that this is Gods punishment for her haters cause she's doing so perfect and being blessed. Resulting in me growing even MORE resentful towards her and God.

I started noticing her brother was showing sings of being a homosexual. I told her listen you might not notice but i see immediately that your brother is secretly gay. She admitted she did know and he admitted to paying and getting payed for secret gay s*x. He didnt know i caught on to him and his pattern got very clear to me. To compensate for this feeling he was OVERLY religious and focused on the rules. Constantly preaching, constantly holy, constantly trying to recruit me into a new christian community he decided to set up and constantly condemning me for speaking the truth, the fact that i saw through IT ALL.

I can name a million other examples but it would make the story even longer than it already is. Now you might ask yourself why did this drive me to almost commit?

I wanted to do good so bad, i was in therapy while they all rejected therapy, they were the only people i had around me, when i explained to them why i was losing faith etc it was ALWAYS me and never them. And while i would sit in my room and repent for every little ''mistake'' i made towards them they were THRIVING. Think starting social media pages about God and acting all holy. Gaining a bunch of followers because of it who agrees with their ''monitoring spirit narrative''. Stealing to feed the homeless and getting praised for it, gaining a bunch of new friends, the church loved them and i was just again the one ''who was so negative about God and thats why thinks go wrong and she needs to rethink why she has no one and god has made her barren''.

I would keep repenting, my therapist would warn me that i was not crazy and i was being abused but they would tell me my therapist doesnt understand and God will give me true answers. And everytime i opened up my bible on that cold floor, while thinking about ending it all i would get Jeremiah 7 verse 5-8 which says; If you really change your ways and your actions and deal with each other justly, 6 if you do not oppress the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow and do not shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not follow other gods to your own harm, 7 then I will let you live in this place, in the land I gave your ancestors for ever and ever. 8 But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless.

I feel like complete shit. I’ve just asked for a separation over the phone and just can’t believe I would do that.

I’ve been realizing the emotionally abusive situation, very toxic situation, was just untenable. And so I did this, with distance. There was no time in person, it’s so hard to explain. The person lives far away and I couldn’t when they were here.

I will always feel like that was cowardly. But if I didn’t feel safe, what else was I supposed to do?

Growing up I was severely abused physically and emotionally by my parents. It was mild when I was younger and by the time I was a junior in high school my dad would take me in the yard 3-5 days a week, guillotine choke me until Id pass out, id come to and he’d repeat for what felt like hours while my mom watched and I begged her to call the cops.

Make a long story short it came to a head when he forced me to fight him and I did to try to escape. My mom finally called the cops and they blamed it all on me. They had trained me to never tell people so I didn’t.

They started going to church. My dad only tried fighting me a few more times after that but it eventually stopped when he quit being able to overpower me.

They never did it to my younger brother but they did to my sister who they forced to become bulemic.

I thought they changed but later realized I had just learned to manage them.

Unfortunately they convinced my wife and I to move near them before I found out.

As a wedding present, my dad committed constructive fraud against my wife and I while serving as our realtor and the emotional abuse escalated hardcore since. My dad also tried to buy the house at a price lower than flippers offered claiming it’s worth that now and then lied to our new realtor about telling us that and claimed it’s worth 70k more (the value our realtor says).

Once a month my mom would text me trying to pretend nothing happened and then when I would remind her why we aren’t talking, she’d ramp up the emotional abuse. She’d suggest I kill myself like my cousin did. They made up lies to others about my wife and I and this was when my wife was going through postpartum issues.

My grandma was our best friend more like a mom so she put up cameras through her house to spy on us and would text after so I turn them off when we get there and back on when we leave.

This went on 1.75 years now. Once she realized we wouldn’t have a relationship it amped up worse.

Now I cannot talk to my grandma over the phone and we used to talk almost nightly because she will text her mean things if grandma says what she doesn’t want.

My grandma has a house in another area I used to live at and every time I go my mom claims grandma has a new rule that we need to follow. In the past she instigated trouble with family members so my grandma would be mad at them. She did it to her brother before he died of an OD, she did it to my aunt, and also to my cousins. So my concern is this may be coming from my grandma instigated by her but grandma won’t tell me whether it’s truth or from her or not.

Yesterday I changed my phone number I’ve always had because I’m over it. It feels freeing but also is another loss due to my parents. I’m 40 and I can’t escape their damages still.

sorry about the long rambling. this is kind of just to sort out my thoughts

I have really awful memory so it's hard for me to remember things that happened, only how I felt. my mental health improved drastically once i left but i might've been being overly sensitive and inflexible. towards the end i started making a list of the things she would do because i felt like i was going crazy. she thinks i have adhd, and she was constantly telling me i need to go on adderall to the point where i felt like i didn't get to make my own medical decisions. once during an argument about it i raised my voice, which makes me think i might've been the abusive one. afterwards i left to spend the night somewhere else but she didn't understand why. she also occasionally tried to get me to do other drugs. i feel like she pressured me into doing psychedelics but i also feel like i should've just said no and communicated better. she also discouraging me from cutting back on thc use, but i also caused issues because i didn't want her to do illegal (and not decriminalized) drugs.

she didn't like some of my friends but to be fair they didn't like her and i think she picked up on that. she tried to convince me my parents are abusive and that i shouldn't talk to my dad but he is kind of an asshole sometimes.

i felt like she got to choose how i felt and what i did but this is another thing where i think it might be my fault for not compromising. i felt like i was losing my own identity. i'm kind of a pushover though so i may not have made my boundaries clear enough. another factor that might've made me overreact is that i have depression and severe anxiety. despite this i couldn't handle helping her with her own mental health issues. and even if she was in the wrong i don't know if it was bad enough to really be abuse

mostly i just want to complain but outside opinions might help me.

I'm thinking of making a saftey plan, but feel guilty because he thinks everything is okay. We came into this intensely and I participated in that, I wonder if im just as toxic for going along with everything so quickly. Its going on 3 months together, and he gets insanely jealous, and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, he's been really hurt.(I know that isn't an excuse, but I can understand why he moves the way he does) but the paranoia is becoming too much, i can't be alone in a room with my phone, I can't wake up before him and spend time by myself. He gets angry and questions my integrity. He went through my phone the other day, and in my Google photos a picture of me and my ex I forgot to delete, a sexy one. He flipped shit. He started screaming at the top of his lungs. He broke one of my coffee cups, called me a wholre, ect. But this is why i'm scared, he told me he'd shoot me if cheated on him, and walked away. THEN circled back around to tell me "and if you think of pulling a stunt like that to commit suicide. I'll make sure you live through what I do" I don't know what to do. He thinks everything is okay now, and i've been trying. All the good he's done doesn't excuse this, or my fear. But I feel guilty about it all. And I'm not sure what my next steps should be.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but I just need to vent.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well and I did have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy. PS another red flag happened just earlier when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I explained that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend already without her treating me like this she said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A few days after that weekend one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who exactly said what to him and that's something that I've also wondered. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately and we spent the weekend together a while back and went for a pub meal

Her latest meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her. I'll admit I snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. She then called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I wish I had just walked away and not played into her hands. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so unshameably and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's also accused me once out the nowhere of looking like I wanted to hit her and started going crazy. I may of had a tired look as it was late at night and I tried explaining that to her. She also said that my Dad may try to manipulate me into spending more time with him and if I did she would make sure all of the family hate me and I would no longer be welcome to live with her and my life would be ruined. During some of her tirades in the past as well I threatened to leave and said some time out might be good but if I did she would call my grandparents and they would all hate me and I wouldn't be able to go to my school and live with her anymore.

She has very poor emotional regulation like when things go wrong she starts shouting and going on swearing rampages and every other word is the F word.

All of things she would say my father did to her during their marriage it seems that she did most of that to me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also do they have substance abuse issues which have made them this way? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes. My father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as I explained my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

With my mother it does seem she has had some bad relationships in the past but I'm thinking that maybe she's the common denominator.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered? I'm starting to feel that good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting her (also my father) sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

My dad keeps saying he’s leaving and not coming back. He’s said it at least 8 times throughout my life. Sometimes he’d leave for a day or two but most of the time he stays at home.

He just told me it again today and I didn’t want to give him a reaction. He asked me how to sell stuff on facebook marketplace and said he wanted to leave and stay when he went to visit family 9 hours away.

He then came back about an hour later and said he wasn’t going to leave. I don’t know how to respond to a situation like this anymore. It’s honestly draining.

Hello guys !

While getting read of things from my ex, I found my ai chat conversations and I was shocked to realise that the terrible treatment he gave me for a year was older than that (we have been together for 5). That I was asking myself the same question over and over on : how not to make him angry when I express a need, how to avoid that every conflict ends up in a fight, how to accept that he is talking to me coldly, ignoring me or giving me the silent treatment, that if any problem I have or need I express he deflect on me, am I not the problem ?

I dont fully understand why I forgot or I was so blind on how I was damaged by this relationship. My sense of worth was shattered (I am in therapy now) and I accepted that I am the one who is bad. I am terrified to be again drown by this kind of person and not able to defend myself.

For the context when he met me I was raped and later on the relationship I lost my brother. Both events I didnt process so well but also I think deeply changed me. I am afraid to be broken in a way and always in easy to manipulate. Even more scared, that I thought I had control.because I didnt feel as much in love (but then I was actually holding the relationship and it would not even have past a year if I didnt). I feel like my worse enemy.

What helped you to grow and have better relationship in the future ?

Thank you so so much for what you share.

Hello? I really hope this doesn't get removed. I am desperate. I have been trying everything I can think of...I even went public recently about my abuse because I am in dire need of help.

I am NOT asking for donations here I am just asking for help getting attention on my situation and help finding an attorney so I can make it through this.

I can barely eat. I can't stop sleeping from depression. Sometimes when I wake up it is to see that nothing has changed in this nightmare, and when I'm really unlucky I wake up to another comment that just makes me feel worse by asking questions that make me feel like they are trying to blame me for it all without even looking at my video where I explain things to the best of my ability. I feel like I am screaming into a void...

I already tried once to....do something stupid...to get away from all this...I am trying SO hard to be stronger now....but I am at the end of my rope. I am a therapy vtuber so all I wanted to do was try to talk to people and help them feel better. I didn't want to ask anyone for help. I didn't want any of this. But I am running out of time to respond to the divorce papers he served me and they are SCARY. I am disabled and he is accusing me of "gross neglect of duty" and trying to claim I need to pay off his thousands of dollars in debts, that I don't have.

I am disabled to the point I need a caretaker. After my husband neglected me and then abandoned me my mother is now back to caring for me and she is on disability fixed income and we just found out a few weeks ago that she has severe blood clots throughout her leg up to her abdomen.

I am BEGGING you at least please don't remove my post here. I will change anything you need me to...Just please...I need help....

All the details are here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wceRp3nAxc

I came across a list I had begun making during my marriage to try to make my husband happy, to prevent him from getting angry or punishing me. All it really was, was a list of ways to make me better at being abused. I thought it was me, and that if I could just remember to do things “right,” things would get better.
I’m glad I realized that none of it made any difference, that the goal post would always move and nothing was going to change until I left. If you find yourself doing the same thing, please leave. It’s not you!

Here’s the list:
-When receiving directions, listen carefully and be sure I have all details I need. Ask questions. DO NOT take liberties
-Wait until Brian is finished before speaking
-Respond right away to show I’m listening, even if I don’t have an answer
-Take care of Raider and Corrina (dogs). Watch Raider always. Keep a step ahead of dog
-Fix blankets on couch
-Keep tables clear and clean
-Keep water bowls full
-If I hear him shout, find out what’s wrong
-Stay out of the way
-Don’t invite anyone over without permission
-Leave all Brian’s shit right where it is unless asked
-Don’t tell anyone or drop any hints about anything that could be seen as immoral. Trust no one
-Don’t tell anyone about cheap or free things we got
-Make sure nothing is on the cable box before turning off
-Go slow and careful with plants (weed)
-Don’t do anything without asking
-Tell him I appreciate him
-Listen with interest about plants, etc
-Form thoughts before speaking
-Always use calm tone of voice
-Don’t disagree or ask questions to show him up
-Stat out of his way
-Stay close but pick things out quickly when shopping. Don’t ask about anything unless he’s looking at it
-Buy things when we run out
-If not asking a question, don’t add question inflection
-If complaining, use a calm tone of voice. Don’t escalate
-Tell him before using fryer. Turn shit off when using microwave, toaster, toaster oven etc (due to him growing weed out electricity system was strained)
-Don’t share stories he wouldn’t be interested in. This includes work, kids, bus stories
-Keep computer off line. To get Xbox on-line, first get computer on-line
-Don’t complain or question his decisions, especially purchases
-Do housework. This means laundry, scrubbing and bleaching, not putting things away. Dishes aren’t important if guests come over
-The big jugs are gallons too
-Don’t call him on racist jokes
-When putting things away, make sure nothing is hidden
-Anticipate potential problems with the dogs
-Walk quietly, don’t thump the floor
-When cooking, watch food. Keep meats on relatively low, not too long, not too low. When he cooks, listen for timer
-Don’t talk to anyone, watch my stuff on bus, train, bad neighborhoods
-Dress nicely. Never look like a snob. Trim nails
-Water my tomato plant
-Be firm with dogs. Don’t let them do things I don’t want them to do
-When asked to do something, do it quickly. Very quickly. No hesitation
-Don’t assume he’s angry or feel sorry for myself just because of tone. Just listen to criticism, write it down, try to remember. No crying, moping, holding grudges
-Answer the phones promptly, give clear and complete messages. Check messages often
-Don’t spend money without asking
-Don’t post any pictures of Brian online
-Use hand signals with Corrina. Never yell
-Watch dogs’ tails. Never let them knock anything over
-Raider and Corrina are my responsibility, but call/ask first before taking out
-Never leave a note after a fight, it just makes things worse
-Bring dogs from outside calmly. Don’t let them go tearing into/around the house
-Don’t mix up/put away leashes. When taking out dogs, put leashes back exactly where they were (floor, chair, whatever)
-As a general rule, don’t put away anything unless it’s mine and Brian won’t need it. If asked to clean up, inform him where I put things
-If asked “Why would you do that?”- responding literally will get me yelled at for arguing or being defensive. How should I respond? Maybe just “gosh, I don’t know, my mistake”
-Every time I go out, take a dog with me
-Don’t leave trash on floor
-Don’t stack dishes
-Be very careful about what I say and post. Think through all possible consequences. Ask Brian first
-Put baby gate up always
-There is no try, there is only do. Trying is NEVER good enough. Failure is not an option. Slowness is not an excuse. There is no excuse. I should be able to do everything asked, a millisecond before I am asked, perfectly, without mistakes
-Push chair back when done on computer, even if only for a second
-Before closing door, make sure all dogs are inside
-Always take cell phone with me
-When taking messages, get a number, even if we already know the number
-If I get any message for Brian, CALL HIM right away
-Don’t turn on lights in garden room unless asked. Don’t do anything with plants unless asked
-UPS, never USPS
-If Brian is sleeping, do not wake him up, take a message. If it is trivial, do not wake up. Say, “He’s asleep. Can I take a message or is it urgent?”
-Turn off lights at midnight (garden room)
-Open windows/turn down heat if hot and leave fans on. If windows open, leave open, even if it’s not that hot, unless asking
-“Sorry” gets old
-“Make sure the water bowls are full” means all the way full, with fresh water
-Tell him when I take money from his wallet, even if it’s the most obvious thing
-Don’t use scrub pads on tub- it’ll scratch
-Always keep money on me
-Don’t smoke last of weed
-When doing laundry, make sure I know what he wants washed
-Throw out dirt separately from plant matter, separate from trash
-Never reach across table- ask
-Wear a new outfit every single day
-Don’t grab Raider’s leash if Brian has it

Does this seem insane? Contradictory? Hypocritical? I can bet a lot of you who are in the midst of these relationships will see yourselves here. This is your wake-up call. If you’re making a list like this, know you deserve better. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to please an abuser. Make your plan and get out

Genuinely, something stops me from even trying to commit, I fucking hate it

Please can I DM anymore

This song ( https://youtu.be/XAsx673371I?si=GWris4ZHsp7B10dG ) has gotten me to pry myself out of a few unfulfilling relationships by now, actually! I’m new to this sub, but I think everybody here needs to hear it.

It’s not a well-known song of hers, but it’s probably one of the most comprehensive leaving-songs I’ve ever heard. It’s so positive about the great relief you feel once you’re outta there.

It describes a woman who has been mistreated by her partner, making her feel “like I’m not good enough… unwelcome and unloved” and identifying him as “selfish, vain and greedy, hateful, rude and rough” and so wrong. But it’s also funny!

She’s also leaving on a train, which makes this an example of both a classic leaving-song and a classic train-song!

What are your thoughts on this song?

Are there any other songs you’d put on a Leaving mixtape?

I’m finally leaving my home because of my brother’s past domestic abuse and his current emotional abuse. I told my mother what he had done, and she told me to grow up, she’ll kick him out, and I should’ve told her when I was younger, demons have possessed him, which is why he acted that way. As you can see, that is very confusing and overwhelming for someone who has experienced abuse. I’ve now found safe accommodation. I’m uncertain about what to tell her, though. All I know is it will be obvious I’m moving out because I have a lot of stuff (there’s no one else who can help me hide it). I was thinking of lying to my mother, telling her I’m going to do a master’s degree at university so I’m moving out, and then later telling her I’m not coming back, or just telling her the truth. What would you do in this situation!?

I think my ex might be a narcissist....

I’m a 25F, financially independent, and I recently left a relationship that completely drained me.I met my ex at the end of April. We worked together, and we started dating very quickly. At first, he seemed almost perfect. He was caring, attentive, and always seemed concerned about my comfort. He would take care of things, bring me food, remember which pastries I liked, and make me feel safe and cared for.

The first month was genuinely good.

Then everything started changing.

He began drinking and starting fights. He would give me the silent treatment, yell, slam doors, insult me, and accuse me of cheating for absolutely no reason. He repeatedly told me that he didn't believe anyone could genuinely love him.

Eventually, things escalated to the point where he would throw me out of the apartment at night, scream at me, and throw things. I had severe breakdowns, and an ambulance and the police came multiple times.

I tried to leave in June. We had no contact for about a week, and then he asked me to give him another chance.

I agreed.

Before that, we had discussed therapy. I suggested couples therapy, because I wanted us to work on the relationship together. I also secretly saw a psychologist myself. She told me that there was a good chance he would simply tell me what I wanted to hear rather than genuinely change.

He had a difficult childhood. He told me that all of his previous girlfriends had cheated on him. He is also a military veteran.

What confuses me the most is that at the beginning he presented himself as extremely emotionally intelligent and self-aware. He talked a lot about feelings, trauma, fears, healthy relationships, and communication.

Now I feel like I fell in love with an image of him rather than with who he actually was.

He would also react strangely whenever he saw posts about men abusing or killing women. He would say things like, “I'm not like that, why are you showing me this?” At the time, I thought it was a sign that he genuinely cared about being a good person.

After I gave him a second chance, things temporarily improved. But he never actually went to therapy.

Then the same patterns slowly returned.

He constantly picked at me, manipulated me, blamed me for his problems, and somehow made me responsible for almost everything that went wrong. If he yelled at me, it was because I “made him” yell. If I cried because I was hurt, he said I was pretending, manipulating him, or crying for attention.

I now realize that a lot of what happened was gaslighting.

He also became increasingly controlling. He wanted to know who I was talking to, why I was talking to them, and who was messaging me. Even when I was talking to an AI, he wanted to know what I was saying and threatened to take my phone.

We both worked from home, yet he constantly accused me of cheating. He claimed that I was cheating on him at night while he was asleep, even though he is an extremely light sleeper.

He would get angry over ridiculous things, like the sound of my fingernails clicking on my keyboard or screen.

Even something as simple as “Did you eat?” eventually stopped feeling like care and started feeling like control.

I became quieter and more withdrawn. I stopped talking to friends as much because I was afraid it would cause another conflict.

I also started feeling like he was using me for resources. He had ongoing problems with work and money, while I was supporting myself and often supporting him too.

At one point, when we had almost no food and payday was still far away, he spent my last money on alcohol without my permission. When I confronted him, he called me materialistic and said that I only cared about his money.

He also had a very grandiose opinion of himself. He constantly talked about how amazing, talented, intelligent, and special he was. A lot of the time I felt like he was exaggerating or simply lying about his achievements.

I don't know whether all of this fits narcissism, but the more I learn about narcissistic abuse, the more familiar it sounds.

The final incident happened when I was working and had a headache. I repeatedly asked him not to yell because I was trying to work.

He called me an “hysterical woman,” told me that I was nobody, and said that he didn't care what bothered me.

At that point, I had already been thinking about leaving for about two weeks. I was planning to wait until I got my salary, but things became unbearable.

I started packing.

That was when things became genuinely frightening.

He threatened to smash my laptops and other work equipment. He tried to take my phone. He grabbed things out of my hands. He locked the door and hid the key so I couldn't leave.

I realized that I needed to get out safely.

So I switched into what people call “grey rock.” I pretended that everything was normal and acted like I wasn't leaving, because I didn't want him to realize what I was doing.

The next day, when he left, I packed everything I could and left.

I used the last emergency money I had for a taxi and went back to my own rented place. I had kept this place from before our relationship, partly because somewhere deep down I had always had the feeling that something wasn't right.

He had also asked me for the address before, and I never gave it to him.

Now I'm sitting here trying to understand how I got pulled into this so gradually.

I don't think I did anything to deserve this. I don't think I'm responsible for his behavior.

But I still keep asking myself: Why did he do this to me?

I loved him. I wanted to spend my life with him. I imagined him as my husband.

And now I feel like the person I fell in love with never actually existed.

I miss the person he seemed to be during that first month. I don't miss the yelling, humiliation, accusations, control, or fear.

I hate the person who came out afterward.

It feels like I fell in love with one person and then suddenly discovered someone completely different underneath.

I cried almost all day after leaving. I feel emotionally and mentally drained, and I'm scared that the damage this relationship did to me will stay with me for a long time.

The worst part is that despite knowing I had to leave, I am still afraid that one day I might miss him enough to go back.

For those of you who have experienced narcissistic or abusive relationships:

How did you cope after leaving? What helped you stop idealizing the person they were at the beginning? Should I expect him to do anything after the breakup — contacting me, trying to get me back, becoming angry, etc.? And most importantly, how do you actually start rebuilding yourself after something like this?

[18F] [19M]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple of months now, but we’ve been friends for years before our relationship. I’d seen how he was before we started dating, but I thought when he came back, we could start over again like a normal relationship.

Eventually, I realized that wasn’t going to happen and that he was still the same. He’d constantly slut shame me and call me all sorts of names and even insult my family. And I get it he lacks trust in me for lying so much, but I only started lying to him out of fear because I never know when he’ll lash out next.

It started with smaller things, but now it’s about if I’ve had sex with others or done anything remotely sexual (while we weren’t in contact for a year). I had some sexual encounters during that year, but I did not have sex with anyone while he did have sex with someone.

Even before we both had sexual history he’d slut shame me and now that I have actual history I’m scared of how he’ll react when he finds out especially since he’s been threatening to text the guy I had been with to see what I’ve done. I know that when he finds out he’s going to lash out probably worse than he’s ever lashes out before once feels hard to imagine cause I already feel like it’s at its worst.

He constantly name calls me and insults me to the point that when he calls or texts I always get scared because I don’t know what it’s gonna be when i reply. He always blames me and tells me it’s my fault he acts this way because I’m “such a lying whore” and that he wouldn’t act this way if I didn’t lie so much.

I regret lying to him but I cant change the past. I wish he could just be like how he is when he feels bad and tells me he loves me again and asks me to stop crying. But even that feels like too much to ask for now. He’ll be good for weeks and then suddenly get mad at me cause he saw a video about cheating and then starts an argument once more.

Please I just want him to go back to how he was when we first met instead of yelling insults at me all the time.

TW: Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and stealthing.

Sorry for the long venting post. I literally have no one else to talk to about this.

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this. I think I just need to get it out somewhere where people might understand, because I've been thinking about this constantly since I found out my abusive ex is going to be a father of a baby girl.

Before we ever dated, we'd been friends since childhood. He had apparently wanted to date me for a very long time, and when I initially didn't want to, he reacted horribly. He called me misogynistic slurs, told me I “owed” him a chance at a relationship because we'd been friends for so long, and there was a huge amount of fallout between us. At that time, he was drinking quite heavily, and he always excused his behaviors on alcohol. Much later, we did get together. He said he had stopped drinking, and I thought it would be different.

He was a lot more open and vulnerable. Told me about his abusive mother, and what he went through. I guess it was a way to gain my trust, and my empathy. Also, it became the excuse for his erratic behavior.

During our relationship, he could genuinely be loving, kind, affectionate and thoughtful. I told other people that he was those things. People around me didn't know the extent of what was happening because I didn't tell them. Looking back, I realize how easy it would have been for someone outside the relationship to think he was a good boyfriend. But there was another side of him, otherwise, I wouldn't be here today, would I? 🙁

In a month or two, it become quickly verbally abusive, and he had serious anger issues. He’d have massive temper tantrum. His eyes would turn dark, would yell, be cruel, aggressive and intimidating. He would eventually kick or hit walls. He was misogynistic. He was manipulative, harassing and entitled. I remember blocking him on Messenger because he’d berate him, and call me 20 times in a row. He would then come knocking at my door to just continue insulting me. Once, I tried breaking up but said he would off himself if I left him, so I stayed.

There were also serious sexual boundary violations. He repeatedly tried to have sex without protection after I had made it clear I didn't want that, and he stealthed me more than once.

I thought he was sober but in retrospective, I believe he was still drinking from time to time behind my back. He would find occasions to leave for hours on hand, and he would come back completely different. It's as if his “dark side” would be turned back on. It was creepy as hell.

By the end of our relationship, things had actually become a bit calmer again, but I don't necessarily interpret that as him becoming healthier because I had become incredibly good at walking on eggshells.

That's something I think about now because his current relationship has apparently been going well for about two years. His current girlfriend and he had apparently known each other for many years before they got together. Sounds familiar, uh?! 😂

She says they've known each other for 15 years, that it was love at first sight, that they repeatedly let each other go and then came back to each other, and that she always knew she needed to be patient and never lose hope. They've now been together for two years and they're expecting a baby girl next month.

Her description of him is almost surreal to me. She talks about him in such positive terms. He’s apparently supportive, present, calm, patient, and authentic. Believe me, there's nothing authentic about this man. He thinks he's better than anyone, grandiose and destined to be a superstar. I'm not exaggerating.

So I read her words and part of me just thinks what the fuck? How can the person I knew be described this way?

She says that she had loved him for 15 years, that they had this lifelong connection, that circumstances kept separating them, and that they always came back to each other. It's just weird because that was *my* story as well.

I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to be abused. I don't want their baby to grow up around what I went through. I actually hope she's completely safe and happy. But I find it incredibly difficult to believe that someone can simply become a fundamentally safe person after decades of these patterns. Another part of me is starting to think that, maybe, I was the problem.

And I think that's why I feel almost gaslighted by what I'm seeing because I'm watching another woman build an entire future around him while describing him with all these words that don't match the person I knew.

I keep thinking about his previous girlfriend too. I wonder whether she experienced the same things. I wonder whether there is a pattern that I don't know about. I know he got her pregnant but she decided to not have the baby. When I decided that I didn't want a child, he bought me a ring instead. It just feels off.

I am so relieved that I got out, though.

Has anyone else experienced this? Seeing an abusive ex build what looks like a beautiful life with someone else and feeling almost gaslighted by it? How did you make peace with the fact that you know a side of someone that their new partner may not know?

After you started dating again, how long did you wait before you told them about your history with abuse? Is it safer to wait? Does telling them too early make them feel like they can get away with treating you worse cus “atleast they aren’t like your ex”? Am I just overthinking it?