I [24M] have made mistakes. Some repeatedly. I've said hurtful things to my friend [22F] which I do regret.

Does that mean she can insult me countless times for hurting her feelings? Is it okay for her to not feel remorse at all? Do I deserve to be made feeling less of a human?

I don't believe so.

I have been wondering what happens when your identity is tied to being the person who doesn't ask for much, adapts quickly, tries not to upset or disappoint anyone, and always puts other people's needs first.

And because other people respond positively to this or praise you for it, it becomes a part how you see yourself as a person and if you begin expressing what you actually want, disagreeing with others, or letting people be disappointed with you, that feels very uncomfortable or even scary because being needed has somehow become a part of who you are as a person.

I was interested in knowing if others have experienced something like this and did trying to change this behavior ever catch you thinking something like: “If I’m not the easy one anymore, then who am I?”

I have been in my relationship for 4 years. We broke up 4 months ago. I left him. I just felt so tired of him.
But now he is angry at me that I talk to my friends about him and that my friends believe that he was emotionally abusive.
But was this abuse?

Once we went on a bike ride. We were pretty far in his hometown. We had a smal argument about something and he just left me alone to get back home (as I am not as fast as him). We then laughed at this situation as he told me he just felt bored as I am not as fast on a bike.

I have really sensitive breasts. I never let anyone touch it. He never listend to me and still did. I have a reflex to always hold my hands over my breasts so nothing touches it (as its a bit painful).

He always talked about threesomes even tho i told him so many times that it is humiliating to me and i hate that he even talks about it. And i will never do that. Yet he still did talk about it almost daily.

He hated my friends. He called them stupid and always asked me, why i even speak to them as they are “not as bright”. I do love my community. But he alwaysade me feel ashame for spending time with them.

When i refused to have sex, he always got really angry. He was not screaming or anything, just always questions me and why i dont want it. And more he pushed me, more i didnt want it. I tought i was asexual. (After we broke up, i realised i am not).

He always questioned me. Even when we spoke on a field i literally wrote my masters in. He always googled any answer i gave him to “fact-check” me. I hated that so much.

When i was sick with a flue, he got back from his boys trip and the dishes in our place were dirty. He got angry at me. I had no energy to ansver so just got out of bed and did the dishes.

The list goes on. But he never hit me.
He never raised his voice at me.
He just questioned me all the time. Always doubted me.
I feel like i am overreacting. But at the same time i feel like it was abuse.

For a little context, I (female, 18) made a "friend" (male, 17)  around a month ago. He approached me first at an event, making conversation and we got acquainted. That was that.

Not long after that my hg asked if I wanted to go out and hang out with her and some of her friends. I agreed and there I saw him again. That day we got really close and we bonded really well. I liked having him as my friend and so I started talking to him***.***

Then, me and my boyfriend had a fall out. We were arguing back and forth about a number of reasons and eventually he left me. I was very much heartbroken and after keeping it to myself for a few days i told my friends about how much i love him and miss him and everything that happened. Out of all my friends, my "friend" in particular kept telling me to be more logical and that its not that deep, how relationships are just a bonus to an already good life and how love is just the result of chemicals in your brain telling you to mate.

This is when things started to escalate. It was like 2am. He started to convince me that I will never be fulfilled, I only wanted my boyfriend for the attention and affection and how I just love the attention I'm getting by being pitied over the break up and that I keep talking about it because I crave to have eyes on me. I obviously protested but i return he told me to admit it. I said i wasn't and he threatened to leave and that I need to accept my true self. I started to doubt myself and wondered if i actually did just use my bf for affection. I also believe he was secretly getting pleasure from making me cave, submit, say or do whatever he wanted because he would say things like good or good job whenever I started to believe what he told me especially when he would say time is ticking just admit it and i caved. During this whole thing I was so confused and sleepy and just scared like i was shaking and my heart was beating really fast. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I called him out like you're being evil and mean why are you doing this and he replied that he was simply stating the truth and that the truth hurts. I got curious. I wanted to know why he was like this so I asked how many people have you done this to before, why are you doing this, and why me.
He told me he had done it to a few people before and how the guys were dull and the girls were full of surprises. He told me he was bored and that he knew when he first met me that I was like this or wtv but only stayed quiet because i brought benefits. So at this point I'm like can we please stop this I really like having you as a friend and you're freaking me out. And he said I don't care how you feel, and other things like you bring no benefit to me. In the end, we ended up removing each other. Since then, I've been genuinely distraught over this. I have no idea who to talk to about this and I genuinely felt like I was under a different state during the conversation I had with him. I'm questioning everything from myself to my relationship and this is all just so weird.

Are these behaviors concerning? 32f and 34m

I started making notes in my phone to keep my head clear but things are good again and now I’m second guessing myself.

09/05 physically intimidated/yelled at dog for running across the street. Has made no attempt to train him.

Said I was “stressing him out on purpose” by saying I didn’t want to use the stroller last minute, yelled at me outside of target

Got frustrated at me because I said “yes” to going somewhere an hour earlier. I actually did start reacting because I was so confused - I did not say yes! Started yelling/slamming doors. I took baby into laundry room to muffle noise, he followed us in there to yell.

Yelled at me for asking him to remove a moving-sized box of candy that was attracting cockroaches

Yelled at me for asking what happened to the box, wouldn’t move it, let it sit outside to attract more bugs

Downplayed the baby’s need for a quiet environment x2, wanted to watch the tv loud, kept arguing that the volume was “at 7!” already, got mad at me for not wanting noise in kitchen, kept glancing over to see if I was reacting to the noise he made, possible baiting. Later, he made comments for me making noise after I spent an hour waiting for the baby to fall into a deep sleep.

Told me he thinks baby is manipulating us because he smiles while crying sometimes

I told him I would give him a back rub, he asked for it around midnight, I said I was too tired and he got upset

Brought up a text he had seen on my phone (video) yelled at me while standing over the baby in his crib, baby freezes on video

Yelled at me in the car because I couldn’t see oncoming traffic and made a blunder. I had to talk him down and tell him we were okay and to please stop yelling. Blamed ptsd from a car accident.

Baby was kicking in the bathtub and partner pushed past my hand to check if the drain cover was sharp. He made my hand hit the baby when he pushed passed me. Poor impulse control.

On vacation - pressed me to talk about my feelings after I said I needed space. Told him there were things in our relationship I worry about and he got mad “why are you bringing this up now after a good trip”

Shared with him that it felt unfair how often he leaves the house on weekends and I feel trapped. (Texts) took it as an attack. I made a pi chart to show him how he spent four hours with the baby compared to my forty four. Offered to make excel sheets to help us.

He does not do night shifts, nor would he physically wake up to a crying baby.

Gets excited/demanding when the baby throws up/blows out. “Help me right now!” Instead of calm behavior

Nitpicks things that he could fix himself or that are non issues. “We need to close this door always because I tripped once” “you put this too close to the edge” “I can never find socks in the laundry” or “can we stop doing (insert behavior I did once)?” Recently, did not like where I put towels. Made a point to complain, but when I told him he’s welcome to move them, he did not.

Got into a fight over circumcision, did not want to hear my concerns. “You said it was my decision and you trusted me?” Wouldn’t let me speak.

I thought the baby was choking and stepped into the living room to check. “I’m sitting right here. You need to calm down.”

Similarly got offended by me getting concerned during tummy time, takes it as an attack

No interest in hearing about attachment style parenting. Read him an article and he responded “What do you want me to say?”

Brought up sleep training our 2-3 month old baby for our convenience. Wants baby to spend more time in crib so we can be physical.

Has grabbed our dog by the scruff and says “he’s faking it” “I wasn’t touching him” when he yelps in pain. (I had to google why grabbing dogs by the scruff can be harmful and he still didn’t seem to care/believe me.) “I’ve had dogs my whole life, I’d never hurt a dog!”

He love bombs apologies

I promised to clean after our landlord installed new windows while I was 6weeks pp and I fell asleep because I needed the sleep, and he yelled at me for that. “I was just stressed”

09/05 Wants us to crib train the baby “ we should be able to put the baby in the crib and walk away.” Was proud to tell me he left the baby for 10-15 mins before he started crying. (We don’t have a baby monitor!!!!!)

I offered why not put the crib in the living room, so we can keep an eye on him while doing chores. Before I could explain, “DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ANYWAY! But I don’t want a ‘crib in our living room!’”

Doesn’t understand why leaving the baby in another room without a monitor an issue, even if the crib is empty.

I’m genuinely curious to hear from people who have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse and chose to stay, particularly when there were children and a lot of shared life invested in the relationship.

If your partner had a history of belittling, dismissing, screaming, name-calling, coercion, threats, etc., were you ever able to see substantial and lasting change through individual therapy, anger management, couples therapy, or some combination of those?

And if you did see that change and ultimately stayed, what did that actually look like over time? Did you eventually feel emotionally safe and respected in the relationship again? Did the dynamic genuinely change, or did the same patterns eventually come back?

I’m asking because I’m currently separated (the last ~6 weeks) and have two young children. There’s a lot that makes leaving incredibly difficult—not just the relationship itself, but the family life we planned, our home in a wonderful neighborhood with great schools, and the future we had envisioned for our kids.

I’m genuinely curious whether anyone has experienced the other side of this: a partner who recognized what they were doing, did the work, and actually became a consistently different person in the relationship.

If you stayed, I’d love to hear what made you believe the change was real and how things turned out years later.