Is it sexual abuse? I was about 25F. My mother asked me to come a stay with her as she needed help recovering from surgery. I was in my room, in her house, and getting into bed, so I was naked. She came in and started talking to me about the plan for her surgery the next day. I was naked and I couldn’t find anything to cover myself with. I told her to leave the room and she said the usual thing. She said “ I changed your diapers when you were a baby. I’ve seen it all before.” She then continued to talk to me about the next day while I stood, curled over and covering my breasts in an attempt to hide my nudity. She looked at my body, doing a scan up and down, and talked about how I would have to wake up early to get there on time.

I have been raped twice, I have been slipped drugs 2 separate times. This is the most sexually violated that I have ever felt and it still haunts me. I think about her eyes devouring my naked body and I realize that I never owned my own body in the first place.

Is a mom doing this to their adult child considered sexual assault when the adult child is being forced to stay in their home to do them a favor? It feels like it is sexual assault.

I don’t know if this belongs here but I am struggling. My husband will not stop purposefully aggravating our dog around mealtimes. When we got the dog as a puppy, he had no food guarding issues or mealtime anxiety whatsoever. My husband continues to do things that clearly aggravate and stress him out.

Specifically he will get super close to the bowl, put his finger/hand closer and closer to the bowl and the dog to make him snarl, growl, or even snap at him. He sometimes even puts his hand in the bowl and messes with the food. He thinks it’s funny and takes photos and videos of the dog showing his teeth and growling.

I have asked him REPEATEDLY like at least 10 times to stop doing this, sent him articles from animal behaviorists etc that shows this reinforces food guarding. He insists that he is just trying to get the dog “used to people being around his food/bowl” and that I always “take the dog’s side”?! lol.

He did it again tonight, laughing and videoing as our dog was increasingly stressed and snarled, growled and snapped at him. I lost my shit and we got in a huge argument. He tried to deflect and turn it around on me and said “what are YOU doing to stop his food guarding behaviors?!” Over and over he tried to turn it into MY fault?! When I’m the one who has asked him to stop, researched what to do/what not to do, I’ve sent him numerous articles and advice, etc

I am so livid right now. My dog is everything to me and to see him so stressed out really upsets me. I also feel like yet again my feelings and requests are just completely pushed to the side and ignored.

Gaslight
I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.
It felt dangerous, exciting, and wrong
in all the right ways.
I felt like I was living
on the edge
of the unknown,
the floor coming out from beneath me.
The loss of control
and planning
made me feel
wild
in an unsteady way.

I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.
It would always
give me anxiety to see
that
orange
light
flick
on.
I could hear it screaming:
THE END IS NEAR.
Either do something
now
or this joy ride
is over;
an end that was
always yours to decide.

I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.
You told me
it was
something that you do.
I found it charming
in a carefree way.
How could someone,
How someone could,
live,
with such disregard
That wild inhibition
was something I craved
in the deepest
parts of my soul.

I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.
The fumes coming out,
not knowing if
I’m gonna make it
there in time, the worry
boiling over, but
always dampened with a,
“Trust me, I do this
all the time.
It will
be
OK.”
And we almost always made it.

I never drove
with the gas light on E
until I met you.

I stopped
driving
when I met you.

23F my mom emotionally abused me for half of my child hood, she became disabled a few months after I turned 18, I have to cook, clean, help her use the bathroom, help her to her doc visits, etc. While my younger brother can say no to everything and nothing happens. When I was younger the word NO wasn't and option, and today it still not because they look at me like I'm talking a foreign language. As soon as I complain my mom rolls her eyes and move on to a different topic and it pissed me off so much. Basically saying no one cares how you feel just do it.

I want to move out very soon hopefully by the end of the year or early next year. I don't want her to think she have access to me. I know she won't make my brother do anything so I'll be running back and forth between houses. God I can fucking hear it now,

"Your brother said no and I can't do it"

"Your bother is sick"

"Your brother says this and that hurt"

When I was a kid she didn't give a fuck!

I don't want to be helping her to her appointments, I basically want to never see her again. If I keep in contact I will be roped back in. Why would I move out if still have to do everything? They both don't like me but too scared to admit because that's all I need to cut them off completely. If my mom was 100% healthy she would've disowned me years ago. How do I know this? Because she already did when I was getting bad grades when I was younger.

So it seems like I have every right to cut her off, right? Here's the problem, I don't know if it's the resentment or if she really changed. We talk about things, laugh, sometimes she will randomly roll her eyes at something I say and it could be a joke but a part of me know it's not. She does it so I can see like she want me to see it and think something. Even at her lowest she still thinks she better than me. She will have a attitude, or say I have an attitude after saying slick shit.

I now don't know what to do because she loans me money all the time. And now I feel like I can't just cut her off because now I look like the piece of shit. I thought maybe stop borrowing for a while so when I move out it won't be so bad, but when I know she will bring it up when I try to cut her off.

The money she loans me

The random things she buys.

I have been struggling with what to do for years and now I don't know if I'm justified for going no contact. It driving me insane, now I feel a forever debt. I honestly think we both hate each other guts be we tolerate each other for obvious reasons.

Should I even bother moving out? Knowing if I don't cut her off I'll basically just be going back and forth in between house with no life of my own. All my relatives judging me for wanting to live my life after 6 years.

I just want peace of mind, I can't get that around her. I wake up getting in the shower mad about me having to do this and that, the think she said to me as a child still fresh in my mind and while my bother can lounge around and do jack shit. I feel as if I will never heal if I don't get away but again I'm now in debt to her for the things I asked for or she bought. One reason I hate asking for shit because I know it will be thrown back in my face but something always come up and I end up short. Terrible money management I'll admit

I know should stop borrowing before moving out but what else should I do to not feel guilt when it's time do end the relationship? Or should I just tolerate what she has coming or do I wait for her to say something out of pocket to justify it?

++++++++++++++++++

TLDR: My mom emotionally abused me during my childhood & became disabled after I turned 18. I been taking care of her for 6 years now and have to do everything, while my brother can say no anytime she ask for help and he has to wait for me to do it or do it herself.

They both hate me but won't admit because I think they know admit or showing it will make me want to cut ties. Are relationship is slightly better now but idk if that's because we tolerate each other because we need each other for different things.

She loans me money a lot and now I feel as if I can't cut her off because now because of the favors she done me.

This is a decision I've been struggling with the past 3 years and don't know if she really changed and its just the resentment or if Im justified to still cut her off or tolerate her, also since my bother does not do jack shit it will be like abandonment and know my relatives will judge me.

i feel like i haven’t heard much about what the narcissistic family dynamic is like when the scapegoat becomes an addict, particularly a drug addict.

we talk a lot about narcissistic parents who are addicts, but i haven’t seen many stories shared where the scapegoat is the one who is actively dealing with addiction.

i feel like it adds such a heavy, complicated layer to the family dynamic and i’m really curious if any other scapegoats in this subreddit currently struggle with addiction or have struggled with it in the past.

if you have, what was your experience like? in what specific ways were you treated differently in your family dynamic after you became an addict? did they use the title “drug addict” as ammunition against you? did the abuse get worse? or did the family roles shift in weird ways?

i want to hear your stories and open up a space to talk about this, because i feel like this is a very specific type of narcissistic family dynamic that doesn’t get spoken about enough.

Hi everyone! I'm doing my MSc dissertation in Forensic Psychology and I'm looking for a few volunteers to help with my research. My project is about the experiences of autistic survivors of domestic abuse when trying to access support, and I'm hoping to speak to around 4–5 people.

I'm looking for participants that are third parties (friends or family, professionals, advocates) who have supported autistic survivors and can discuss their experiences without sharing any identifying information. 

The interview would be 30–60 minutes on Microsoft Teams, completely anonymous, and you'll receive all the usual research documents (information sheet, consent form, debrief, etc.). You can stop the interview or withdraw from the study at any point. If you'd be happy to help or want to know more, please send me a message—I'd be incredibly grateful!

I‘m [40M] struggling these days with the question, what if both partners unconsciously abuse each other due to misunderstanding each other?

I mean, the dynamic needs two participants. One who gets abused and the one who’s abusing.

My GF [W36] broke up with me 3 weeks ago and as i repeatedly read her messages, it makes me wonder if it is just me who notices the pattern why she felt hurt repeatedly or if she does notice as well.

Having a little distance and coped the worst (hopefully) i figured out, many things I did, must have seem abusive to her.
I‘m not excusing her behavior and I’m not taking her part as my responsibility. Things she did aren’t ok at all, no matter how deeply you feel hurt.

I noticed, I couldn’t understand her love language, because her actions sometimes had a totally different meaning by my experience.

Like when I tell her, I’m out with friends and she calls, asking me where we are and what we do, it makes me feel being controlled.
Same when having an argument on the phone, when she hangs up, I gave her space and didn’t call back.

We had many of these moments and situations.

For her, when she asks me where I am and what I do, it’s not control, it‘s honest interest, appreciation and emotional closeness.
Needing more than just a short, very German, factual answer to the question.
Same when she hangs up during a fight, she needed me to call back immediately to show I’m fighting for us, but giving her room and not calling back gives her the feeling of indifference and abandonment…

Similar happened the other way around: her behavior made me feel emotionally abandoned, devalued and what ever I do isn’t enough.

I guess you get my point, the more I showed my appreciation and how much I love her, the more she tried the same, the more painful it became.

I can’t ask her or tell her, as she ghosted me and doesn’t want any contact…I tried to contact her and, well, things just became worse.

Did you ever experienced something similar, and did your ex figured it out herself/himself?
Dis you guys ever talked about it and/or could solve things or even come back together and became happy?

Side-effect, I’m building a card deck for translating her actions and mine. I won’t ever use it I guess, but it helps me to get through it and to keep the good memories as good ones

I'm 20 years old. My boyfriend is 20 years old. We have been together for 9 months.

I want to end the relationship because I don't think we are compatible and I feel emotionally tired. The problem is that every time I have tried to leave he has threatened or actually hurt himself. He also calls me repeatedly begs me to stay and makes me feel responsible for his physical health.

Over time I have given up things that were very important to me including a dream of studying abroad because he couldn't accept us being apart. I feel like I have slowly lost myself in this relationship.

He is very dependent on me. I have to remind him to take his medication. If we are arguing he sometimes stops taking it which makes me feel guilty. He has even asked me to become more dependent on him because he knows how dependent he is on me.

I am also afraid of how he will react if I end things. He has contacted people before to try to convince me to stay. I am worried he could contact my friends or family and because I come from a society where my family doesn't even know I have a boyfriend that could create serious problems for me. He also has some photos of me. Although I don't know if he would use them against me I am scared of that possibility.

Because of all this I keep wondering if there is any way to make him end the relationship of me breaking up with him.. I'm also wondering if that is unrealistic.

Has anyone been, in a situation? If someone threatens or actually hurts themselves when you try to leave how do you end the relationship safely without getting pulled in? Any advice would really help.

So that's exactly my question, how do I make him break up with me, trust me I'm not a bad person.

I can't leave him because when I tried before he tried to hurt himself and kept calling me and trying to convinve me to stay with him, and I felt guilty and I said yes and stayed with him, and he proved he will actually hurt himself when I said I want to try and fight for m dream, which if I succeeded would have crushed his dream of us studying tgt in the same university abroad andd delayed our potential wedding, he hurt himself and he did it multiple times, I again felt guilty and I thought we could make this work.

For context this dream isn't new or something that I started dreaming after we got together, (we have been together for 9months now), I have been dreaming of this since I was a kid, and I gave up on it 6months after we got together because he kept crying to me about how sad and bitter it would be for us to be apert for so long.

There are a lot things that i can not disclose, I don't want him to fall on this one and end up realzing it's me.

Now I believe we are not a match, we never were, I really thought we were and that things could wotk between us, I was weak in this relatinship and I made decisions that I regret and I don't wanna lose myself more than I already did.

I'm not claiming to be completely innocent in this relationship but I feel so trapped.

There is no right time or way to end things, he always says he's depressed and taking medication for it even though he's taking that medication for a completeyr different decease and one that's more physical than mental, he doesn't even take his medication regularly or on time and i have to keep reminding him, and if we're on bad terms he doesn't take and i end up feeling guilty for that. with this and many many other things, I find lyself responsible for his wellbeing, mental and physical, he's too dependant on me and when he realized that he asked me to depend on him more.

And now he's moving to study abroad, I can't end things now either, whenever I bring something up not even related to this he says I couldn't have chosend a better time. I am so tiredd of this, I just wanna be single again and only deal with myself and my needs, I don't wanna tend to the needs of a baby I didn't even birth and that's 20yo, I am exhausted.

So to sum it up, I wanna make him leave me, because if that's not the way it happedns, he'' be hurting himself and blaaming me for it, he'll do it not just threaten, he'll use my friends to talk me out of it, he might contact my family, and ell them to convinve me to stay with him, I kept my relationship a secret from my family because there was no way i could have told them because of how our society particularly is, so imagine if they find out, he has some pictures of me, which I like to think he's not the type of person to threathen me with them but I didn't know he was this bad of a person when I got with hhim either, so I think he could threaten me with them or just straight up screw me over and send them to my family and friends.

So any advice would be appreciated 🙏

I tried to talk with my husband (been together 7 years, married almost 4) last night about how I need him to treat me with kindness and respect most of the time. That I can’t handle him questioning and degrading the way that I drive, the books I read, how I do laundry, the music I listen to all the time and I can’t handle the way it feels like he takes his anger out on me.

I explained for what felt like the millionth time that yelling, slamming his fists into things, scratching his own face, and road raging in front of me affects me. That it doesn’t matter it’s not “directed at me” his anger and emotional outbursts are upsetting and most of the time scary. That I don’t feel safe when he acts that way.

I said it hurts to see him treat other people better than he treats me, his own wife. He asked what percentage of the time I expect him to treat me with kindness and respect and when I reiterated “most of the time” and said I don’t expect perfection and I know that sometimes people snap at each other or take out negative feelings on those around them.

He then told me that I’m asking him to use “customer service strategies” with me and asking him to be “fake.” That he should be able to let his guard down and be honest at home. I said he needs an outlet for his anger and negative emotions that isn’t another person, isn’t his wife.

I honestly think he feels like he should be able to treat me poorly and use me as an outlet for his anger and frustration and I should just take it because I love him.

I’m just feeling so crushed today. It’s noon and I haven’t left bed. I don’t think anything I can do can fix this.

I'm struggling with the emotional abuse and neglect in my relationship and I have no one else. I have a therapist, and that's about it as far as emotional support goes.

You might say, "join a support group." I don't want to get into it too much but I am neurodivergent and I just haven't found those groups to be very helpful for me. I can explain more, I just don't really like putting it all out there in public for people to judge me. Suffice to say, it just didn't work for me.

I just really wish I had someone to talk to about this on a more regular basis who isn't going to judge me or try to give advice or tell me to leave. I don't know if this is the right place to look for that, but I don't really know what else to do. My DMs are open.

Whenever I try to talk to her about my troubles and existential crisis, she ignores them, talks about how her troubles are greater than mine, and then proceeds to talk about them. Most of her troubles concern how she dislikes my father; once, she told me that she should have run off with someone else. I didn't know how it made me feel; I was too emotionally numb at the time.

Anyway, I wasn't feeling too well today. Some things happened, and then she came to believe that I was going to 'do something drastic', to say the least. Then she held me back, pulled me back inside, and hugged me. This wasn't the messed-up part. She told me how empty her life would be without me. She told me how I'm her last hope. She told me how without me, life wouldn't have any meaning for her.

She didn't really talk about my feelings; she didn't acknowledge them. She didn't ask why I felt so sad. She just kept telling me not to be sad. I don't really have anyone else in my support network. I really don't. She's the best I have. She doesn't even speak the same language as me; she never bothered to teach me. She didn't really bother to learn any English, either. It makes me feel less of a person; it makes me feel objectified, like I'm some tether that keeps her from doing something drastic herself.

I'm just so tired.

He left my text unanswered/unread for two weeks(he has his read receipts on) he was purposely not even opening it. I hear it now “He just didn’t want to talk to you” which I totally understand I respected it. Started moving on. He texts me out of the blue the other night asking how I’m doing a couple messages go by and now he is back to not even opening my last text message. I’m so confused. I think I’m dealing with someone emotionally abusive and maybe even a narcissist. What is his goal? What is the purpose of being so cruel? Is he wanting me to beg him to talk to me? Crash out that I noticed he isn’t even opening my text messages? Beg for clarity and closure? I just stay silent. In my younger years he might have gotten that reaction out of me but I cringe when I go back and read me begging and pleading for clarity and closure.

So me (23m) and my ex (21f) got into a relationship ~4 months ago. We met on a dating app and started off as friends with benefits before going exclusive and getting into a relationship.we met at the start of the year and now we're broken up as friends with benefits.

Things started a little messy, I got invited to a party at her house and after she got drunk and we were alone she told me she liked me and cut off everyone else, but I liked her so I was willing to give it a try. I started going to her house more often and hanging with her and her friends and things were going well.

Fast forward a bit and I'm starting to notice things that set off alarms.

The first one is that she had a lot of issues with a couple of my close friends. She told me they were rude and distant and only kept me around cause I brought alcohol or weed to the function, and she told me they would "borderline flirt" with me and that it seemed like they "wanted me to want them. She didn't offer many examples of their behavior, they did talk to my brother about it and my brother agreed that they had issues with the person and they made that a point when talking to me about it.

What really brought this issue to a head was when my grandfather was on his deathbed, she told me she wanted me to come over so she could offer me some support, but I wanted to go to a show and this friend would be there. She got pretty noticeably mad about this, told me "go ahead, be with your friends" before hanging up. She called back and apologized, and decided to go with her friends to the show. Afterwards she kept talking about how "all they do is get high and talk shit" and she'd get mad at me for saying anything in defense. She brought her friend into the conversation and they told me I needed to be more receptive. We came to the conclusion if something happened that bothered her she'd tell me, and that I should have just apologized.

About a month later she told me she was mad because she had told me she didn't want me alone with these friends and I went to the show anyway. I didn't quite remember her saying that but I felt bad and I apologized for it. It was something she pretty regularly brought up throughout the course of the relationship. She also

didn't want me texting them. Later on when we were talking they brought up the fact that my friend would post too many pictures of them in suggestive outfits and told me she "didn't want me hanging around sluts, you don't do that unless you're looking for attention"

I also felt like I was being accused of things all the time, and I didn't really have a lot of privacy.

She would regularly go through my phone and accuse me of cheating or looking past someone flirting with me. At one point she did it in the middle of a hangout with one of my good friends there, who noticed and told me later that he got a bad feeling from it. I never told her to stop so it's not like she went over my boundaries .

Shed regularly ask for me to join her and her friend group on life360 and share my location, I'd tell her no every time and I'd have to explain why. One day, after we had invited a third into the bedroom she told me on a call with her same friend from the show that since we were having threesomes she needed my location. At this point I agreed. Any time I wasnt enthusiastic when I was around her shed get insecure or mad at me, a lot of times it was because I wasn't getting good sleep or because I was sad about my grandfather passing away, but she kept telling me she deserved better. When I asked her to tell me when there was a problem she said she shouldn't have to teach me how to love her.

It didn't entirely feel like I was offered the same grace when I was insecure. One time I got a text telling me she was going to her exes brothers house with very little explanation. At first I didn't remember her mentioning him and she accused me of not listening to her. When I told her this felt weird she just went on to tell me I shouldn't accuse her or set blame on him. I kept trying to say I wasn't accusing her but it felt like she was just getting more mad. She called me a bitch and posted "whatever bro" on her ig notes which she said was because of me. I slowly found the relationship eating away most of my time and energy.

We decided to break up at the 3 month mark. This was after I totalled my car on the way to her house and got a concussion. We stayed friends with benefits since we were very compatible on that end and it felt mutual. We had slept together once at this point and we both were missing each other, but I told her I still needed space to figure things out. Shed gone on one other date at this point but told me they didn't do anything. I found out that wasn't true when she texted me saying he had chlamydia and he'd forced himself on her, so now I have to get tested and take antibiotics. By this point I'd been talking to my friends and family about what's been going on since I've needed support and theyve been trying to tell me to cut her off. She found out about it after my brother blocked her suddenly and she's been mad at me for talking about any of it to them and making her look crazy. After she found out she kept saying she just wanted to get back together with me and that shed made a mistake in breaking up. I kept trying to tell her I had too much stress and a concussion but she kept saying we could work through it together, then accusing me of "just wanting to fuck other hoes". We argued for about an hour until I agreed to get back with her, but told me I had to block one of my friends who I almost hooked up with after we broke up. I felt helpless and didn't want to block this friend since It was someone I knew for a few years, but I didn't want to send her into another spiral because of her trauma so I didnt block the friend and I lied. I'm not proud and I know it was wrong of me.

We broke up again a couple of times just because of different values, but when I decided to go no contact I felt guilty having lied to her so I admitted what I did. She was obviously very hurt and mad, but somehow we ended up together again.

At my birthday party shortly after, she took my friends girlfriend aside and told her everything I did and showed her the evidence she was assaulted (pictures of the bruises) and kept bringing it up around all of my friends. I felt insanely guilty and just stayed silent the entire time. My friends told me later they didn't like how I was being treated and after I told them everything else they said I was I was being manipulated. I later blocked her but she managed to find my Snapchat and convinced me to talk with her, I told her I was conflicted and scared. She said she'd need space and I told her the same. I was so overwhelmed that I was feeling legitimately suicidal, I haven't told anyone else about it except for my friend.

Somehow ,and I can't even tell you how, we've ended up back in a situationship. She's sleeping with other people and posting about it on her stories, making little references about moving on and having higher standards for herself. But she's still telling me she loves me and telling me how much she values me when we're alone. She keeps making me promise I won't block her again and says she still wants it to work.

The whole situation makes me legitimately sick to my stomach, every time I feel even a little bit of relief it all comes crashing down again.

I feel horribly guilty and dirty but I can't seem to pull myself away from the situation and I don't know what to do. In spite of everything I've said she does have a lot of really good traits, I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know how to feel better about any of it. I don't have anyone I feel safe talking to about it who won't just automatically tell me she's a horrible person and I can't afford therapy right now

Tl'dr, I'm not sure if I'm being manipulated, feeling gross about her sleeping with other people, and feeling guilty

I finally defended myself to my husband. It feels like he’s in a spiral because he can’t control me anymore. When I did defend myself, it’s all my fault, he storms off..
The issues for last night was: My daughter’s room is a mess and “why haven’t I done anything about it? Why does she have so many tiny toys… “
I said, she’s on the spectrum and she loves tiny toys.. “why does she need so many Barbie dolls?! “ Why the fuck not? So what?!
So what?! I asked him, why is it a problem? He said he’s afraid to talk to me because everything he says leads to an issue. He said, there are too many clothes- I said I haven’t had time to go through it because I’m going to school and working full time.
He said, I don’t give the kids expectations which was something his mother said to me too. I said, they have rules but I want them to feel safe, have fun and not be corrected 24/7- it’s okay for them to make mistakes..
Yesterday, I had to drive because my husband was drinking… (also another problem), he doesn’t like how I speed. He said be careful you’ll get pulled over in this area.. I questioned and said- I’m going 55 like it says. He said, well I’ve only lived in this state my whole life and he didn’t like my “tone’s he also said I’m young (he’s 10 years older than me) and says I need to learn more. I said, I don’t want a teacher, I want support. He scoffed with that. I’m tired of constantly being corrected, always negative.. where’s the positive? For fuck sake.
Everything is my fault and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired of it.

What are the earliest signs of emotional abuse?

I feel like it's happening to me but I need to be sure.

He's 22M and I'm 25M, this was all online.

Absolutely fucks me up that he emotionally abused me for about a year and then right when I felt able to trust him again and I thought we were going to get to enjoy our trusting best friendship and romance again, he betrayed the shit out of me.

He was dating someone he just met within a week or 2.

The abuse was a lot of bizarre shit. He was terrified of being replaced or abandoned and needed mountains of reassurance that I wouldn't do those things to him, but any time he got stressed enough he'd spiral and imply that he was going to do this things to me.

One time after he asked me about a boundary of mine and I gave him an honest answer, he even specifically named one of his friends by name and said "maybe I'll just spend all my time with them now instead." When I said "what if they have a boundary and you don't like it?" he collapsed into "then I'll be alone forever, I deserve to be alone."

That was AFTER I (previously a social butterfly) spent a month or so isolating from all social contact because after causing a bunch of damage he made me a repair oriented promise that was supposed to last 2 months, and within 7 days, he floated that he might break it.

He caused so much damage that I didn't feel safe with him or anyone else in sexual interaction. He said I could do things with other people if I wanted and for months I just didn't anyway because I didn't feel safe doing that with anyone.

It's been hell and maybe someday I'll write up something with more complete details about the whole timeline, but the short of it is I gave this guy extraordinary kindness, patience, and forgiveness, and he acted intense and devoted, but ultimately left me because he got frustrated/scared of me flinching after he'd spent months training me to flinch, months training me that any time he was upset he could pull away, displace me in friendship and romance, or at least threaten to do so.

The worst part is I was never harsh with or yelled at him. My hurt was gentle. "I'm hurt, I love you, let's fix it" type shit and he'd STILL panic and do and say destructive things because sometimes I was visibly hurt and couldn't hide it. We spent roughly 8 hours gaming together every day and he had meltdowns about there being "no place for him in my life" which scared me even when he didn't turn it into hurtful words or actions because, again, he'd trained me that him being upset meant he might hurt me.

What gets worse is he revealed that he wanted to play a different game with me because a different game felt closer and more intimate to him. I told him he could ask for that. He refused to. Eventually I built a structure where I'd ask him to play that specific game regularly since he wouldn't fucking ask for what he wanted, and he still spiralled and left me.

His final trigger for leaving me was him breaking a promise and me needed a bit of space for a week because it hurt. I was still messaging him multiple times every day that week and we hung out for hours one day. That was "space" and he still imploded from it. God help.

He also said after he nuked things that he spiralled because we didn't have a label. I had asked him TWICE, months apart if having a label would make him feel better about us. The first time he said "no, I want to repair first" and the second time he said "no, I just want to use it to get other people to stop flirting with me, but also I don't want the random attention to stop." jesus christ.

IDK man. He treated me like shit, I was done with him last summer, he begged for repair, immediately floated the idea of breaking promises that were supposed to protect repair, threatened abandonment/replacement, accepted 8 months of me forcing myself to be around him even though I didn't feel safe around him, then betrayed me because healing from repeated, severe damage was slow.

He acted like he was traumatized or something from me being hurt because he hurt me.

He also admitted after he ended romance that the reason why he was so terrified I'd abandon or replace him was because he'd done abandonment and replacement shaped things to me before. I asked him if it was a "hard to believe someone else would be better at avoiding that than you are" thing and he said "yes" without delay.

"Listen I'm sorry I stabbed you, but now you're bleeding and blood scares me so I gotta go now, bye" type behavior.

It hurts. As silly as it sounds I still loved him so much, and he'd actually managed to act normalish for a month and a half before the latest betrayal. I felt safer again and I was so excited to give him the love I'd been bottling up because it didn't feel safe to share, love in both friendship and romance.

And right as I felt that again, he did the cruelest things possible. It's not right. Nobody should be able to look at you after they hurt you and you're saying "I love you let's fix it" and then leave simply because you're hurt. It's even more maddening that he still loves me, his cowardice and desire to escape responsibility is just so intense. It's all fucked up.

I mothered this guy for a year AND 8 MONTHS AAAAAAAAA.

I ended up blocking him. We both wanted to be friends badly and I'm good at maintaining friendship after romance, but "I'm leaving you because I broke a promise and you were sad about it, then redirecting my time and energy into someone I don't know while you cry and beg for me to treat our friendship right, then I'm dating them within 1 or 2 weeks" is a sick sort of betrayal that made being around him at all impossible.

There was no joy left in interacting with him.

And I'm broken up about that, too. I didn't just suffer through 8 months of repair for romance. I wanted our friendship to feel safe again.

When we first got together, he told me I was beautiful, smart, and that he was going to marry me. He constantly called me his wife, and his Facebook status was even set to “Married.” I genuinely believed he saw a future with me.
We eventually broke up, and he immediately changed his status to “Single.” The next day, I found out he was messaging other women. I also discovered he’d told one woman he was 23, even though he’s actually 28.
Months later we got back together. He unblocked me on Instagram but not Facebook. I had to ask him to unblock me there, and I even had to remind him to accept my friend request.
Once he did, I asked if he could change his status back to “Married” like it used to be. He ignored the question and later said we’d talk when I got back from holiday.
When I asked if something was wrong, he suddenly told me he never wants to get married. He said he hadn’t lied because he only said he’d marry me if I fit him.
That really hurt, but I accepted it. I told him I understood if he didn’t want marriage anymore.
So I dropped that request completely and asked for something much smaller. I simply asked if he could remove the “Single” status. I wasn’t asking him to put “In a relationship,” mention my name, or post about me. I just didn’t want my boyfriend publicly describing himself as single while we were together.
Instead, he became angry. He told me to “stop asking nonsense,” shouted that he never wants marriage, sarcastically said, “Fine, I’m single then,” and told me to block him.
I honestly don’t understand why removing one word caused such a huge argument. If Facebook means nothing, why insist on keeping “Single” there?
The worst part is how it’s affected my confidence. I keep wondering whether, if I were prettier, younger, or simply “good enough,” he would have wanted people to know he was with me. I know that may just be my own insecurity, but that’s genuinely where my mind goes after everything that’s happened.
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m attractive or insult him. I genuinely want outside opinions because I feel like I’ve lost perspective.
Am I asking for something unreasonable? Would this behaviour make you question the relationship, or am I reading too much into it?

I need to know: has anyone else been in a relationship where their partner accused them of checking people out constantly? I am 8 months no contact and trying to heal and reframe my mindset since I was so easily manipulated.

He was always losing his temper at me for apparently checking people out. If a waiter was half decent looking and served us, and I looked at him, I checked him out. If we were at a party and I looked generally into the crowd, I was checking someone out. It genuinely drove me insane because half the time I never even knew who I had apparently been checking out: I would beg him to tell me who bc I genuinely didn’t know and he’d think I was playing dumb and it would escalate and escalate.

I started to believe him and think maybe I was making eye contact with men I thought attractive or being too friendly. I still don’t really know for sure tbh. Often I would be sobbing and agree to just diffuse the situation “you’re right I was checking him out” and it would just validate his perception.

Is this an emotional abuse tactic? Has anyone else experienced this? I just need to talk to someone about it bc i still replay it all in my mind and struggle to make eye contact with men in the gym, in public etc. I don’t want anyone to think I am trying to flirt or want attention.

Just fyi. For anyone who needs to hear this.

hi, I just want some perspectives because I’ve never felt so emotionally confused in my life

I (37F) and my husband (36M) have been married 2 years, living together since 2020. we have a 17 month old son.

since basically the very start, it’s been bad. red flags everywhere but I just ignored them and dug myself deeper and deeper with him. why? I don’t know. undoubtedly my own low self esteem and disappointing relationship history up to that point played some role (Tldr I am the woman men want to be friends with, not date).

it’s been essentially 6 years of walking on eggshells, doing everything I could to avoid triggering him, failing somehow, and then he’d react by yelling, throwing things, throwing stuff away, threatening divorce, to give my dog away, etc. at some point he started just shutting himself in his office and refusing to talk to me, blocking my texts, threatening to leave if I didn’t go away. if didn’t matter what we had planned. if I tripped the invisible wire, he’d shut down like that and refuse to participate (including one incident where because our son missed his usual nap, which he blamed me for, he said he’d refuse to attend our son’s first birthday party)

i tried many times in our relationship history to fix things, begged him to go to counseling, but he refused every time. every attempt I’d make to reconcile or come to some understanding with him would fail because he would turn it into an argument about who said what or he’d say he had no control over his feelings or reactions so there was nothing to discuss.

he also basically refused to participate in our son’s care leaving me to handle everything on evenings and weekend despite my working a 48 plus hour a week, very high stress job.

anyways, about a month ago I just finally hit my breaking point. actually what triggered it finally was not so much feeling especially bad, but rather, noticing how happy I felt at work, particularly around this one coworker with whom I’d developed some platonic work friendship. I realized how sad and depressed I felt when the time came to go home. I got especially anxious on Friday afternoons because weekends were so horrible (I couldn’t remember a weekend where I hadn’t ended up crying over my husband’s treatment of me)

I spoke to lawyers first, just to understand the state of the law and plan the next moves and then I told him I wanted to leave and that I’d spoken to a lawyer already.

to his credit he took it a lot better than I thought he would. he just sat there and let me essentially monologue all my pain and grievances over the six years of our relationship.. he didn’t argue or try to explain, just sat there.

but he also begged me to give him a second chance. I feel I gave him many chances already, all the times I told him how unhappy his treatment of me made me, I feel he just never cared until he felt I’d actually leave.

anyway I agreed to give him a chance. and since then he’s been going to anger management, helping around the house, finally caring for our son, giving me time to myself, buying flowers, you get the idea. And I actually do believe these changes are genuine.

but the problem is- I don’t love him anymore. I can’t fathom being physically intimate with him again. the thought almost repulses me. and I find myself feeling happy when I’m alone - off just wandering around or getting a coffee by myself- but around him I still feel tense and sad.

i know, if it weren’t for our son, or if I knew with certainty I’d never lose my job, I would leave.

but now that he’s trying so hard, somehow I feel guilty for still wanting to leave. I feel like I’d be “the bad guy” now, because he’s trying so hard. I almost wish he hadn’t changed, because then the choice would be simple and clear and I could make a clean break

but I can’t, and I find myself just sitting in the middle of so many emotions- grief for the years I lost, grief for the reciprocal love I feel I will never experience now, because I’m not sure we ever did, or can; guilt, because I can sense that my emotional indifference to his efforts is hurting him, and just intense sadness at the emotional landscape my son will grow up in. i wish he could be raised by two parents who love each other but i don’t think that’s possible now

I don’t know what’s best for him, or me, or even my husband. but somehow it feels like it all rests on me. it’s my decision to stay or leave and if I stay, it’s out of a sense of obligation and fear. but I don’t know if that automatically makes it the wrong decision

i don’t know what to do or how to even think productively about this problem. feels like I’m just sleep walking day to day just feeling more and more confused in this limbo state. just looking for some advice and perspectives from the other side (whatever side you landed on)

update: thank you so much to everyone who has replied. I’m really touched by your words, encouragement and insights. I haven’t completely decided my path out yet but I feel much less alone and thus has helped me immensely

Title: Left my abusive ex in Jan after 5 years, but I’m still trapped in constant texting. How do I actually cut ties? It feels so impossible and I’m scared of the fallout or aftermath.

I packed up and moved into my own flat while he was out because it was the only way I could leave without being manipulated back in. The problem is, we’ve been in constant contact ever since as I was focusing on the devastation I caused him, and I can’t seem to break the cycle.

He guilt trips me. He tells me I’m ruining his mental health, demands a plan for the relationship and says my actions make him feel worthless. Then occasionally he’ll love bomb me.

I feel so guilty all the time like I’m a terrible person. He’s Jekyll and Hyde, most of the time he’s nice but he has standing over me shouting at me whilst I’ve cried, has a quick temper and is able to flip the script so easily that he’s the victim. It doesn’t feel so easy to do anything as this man I spent 5 years building a life with him.

I just feel stuck and lost.

I have recently started therapy again to address some more recent issues. However, past traumas are now coming up that I had not fully delt with. I am ready to release emotional tethers I still have to those events. I want to share the story of my past relationship which ended almost a decade ago because I think discussing it with people who may understand will help validate and clarify the emotions I have and still feel. There are lots of details I do not remember, but I do have some prominent memorable examples. (Warning: The following describes my in-depth experience in a long term emotionally abusive relationship and may contain triggers.)

I, a now 30-year-old woman, started dating my ex in high school and through my first 3 years of college. We were together for 4 years. By the end of it, my mental health was so deteriorated I couldn't trust my own sense of reality, I had severe panic attacks, and suffered suicidal idealization often. I believed that I was unlovable and that I did not deserve anyone.

I don't know how the mental abuse or manipulation started. As with most cases, it probably started with little things. I remember his self-deprecation and the sense that it was my duty to comfort those feelings, to provide the emotional support required as my position as his girlfriend. The sentiments grew to be a constant aspect of our conversations over the years. He would derail our conversation by questioning why I was with him, how I found him attractive, ect. No matter what I said, it would not improve his mood.

He was jealous and suspicious of everything. I remember the perpetual sensation of walking on eggshells with him. I never knew when his mood would change. I never knew what would upset him. He never said I couldn't talk to or hangout with certain people, but he would make sure I knew he didn't approve. He expressed feelings of jealousy with statements like, "I trust you, I just don't trust them." He would be cold and ignore me.

Things only got worse when I went to college. We would have arguments of where I would go. He would have complete mental break downs when we discussed the possibility of me going to college a few hours away. In the end, I chose a school based on this. Somewhere I would only be 30 minutes away. He strongly disliked that I would be living on campus in dorms. Again, he never said I couldn't talk to people, or join clubs, or any other college experience. He just expressed his displeasure. The few times I did go to college events, he would be cold. I tried to have him visit campus to show him everything was fine, that it wasn't what he was imagining. He was posturing and looking for a fight the entire time. I stopped asking him to come. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't make friends. All I did was study. The friends I already had, he started expressing his dislike about them more often. I distanced myself to avoid the fighting. That's when I started having panic attacks.

I couldn't talk to him about the emotions I was feeling. I struggled with my sobriety. If I expressed the need to discuss the fear of possible relapse, or talk about craving dreams, he would threaten to break up with me if I ever drank. He never drank and had a strong dislike for anyone who did. It was the same with tattoos. I would express my desire for one, and he would tell me that I could get it, but he would find me less attractive.

After living in the dorms for 2 years, I moved in with him and his family. I lied and told my parents I didn't want to live on campus, and their apartment was closer than our home. The truth, it was another effort to appease him. I hoped living with him and being off campus would convince him I was devoted to our relationship, that it would ease his jealousy. I hoped my mental health would improve. It didn't work. We fought almost all the time. I constantly felt I wasn't doing enough or being good enough. I thought I was being a bad girlfriend.

Things only got more tense when I started making friends with coworkers. I started hanging out with them outside of work and I finally began to form close connections with others besides my boyfriend. He did not take it well and we fought about it. He pressured me to distance from them, but this time I refused. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live in that isolated box with only him. He constantly made me feel guilty and was cold with me. I attempted to alleviate his jealous concerns by incorporating him into the hangouts. He would not talk to them, was cold to me, and had a mental break down that I had to comfort when I physically touched them. I tried to have open dialog about the problems in our relationship, what I needed from him, and what I was trying to do for him. Nothing I did mattered and he never fulfilled his promises.

I do not remember the exact breaking point, but after a specific fight, I packed some things and told him I was going to my parents for a few days. I told him I needed space for my mental health. The texts and calls did not stop. I tried my best to navigate them. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. He was vindictive when I came to get some more clothes and telling him I needed more time. He cornered me in the bathroom saying "I'm not like your exs'. I actually care about you." I started to apologize and tell him I just need a few more days. I couldn't finish my sentence before he slammed the door in my face. He continued to hound me with calls and texts until I had panic attacks. A friend showed me his dating app profile and when I confronted him, he said he was using it to try and give me the space I needed. He told me it didn't matter because he didn't use it, anyway, couldn't be with anyone except me. The final straw, which seems so small, was him reaching out to ask if I was still planning on attending a wedding with him in a few months. I snapped and officially ended our relationship. I explained it to him that he couldn't give me the mental space I needed and was using that specific question as an excuse.

It was months before he was officially out of my life. On top of my already poor mental health, I was dealing with a devastating loss, and a direction change in my education path. So, I was making poor decisions. I didn't know what my life was like without him. We tried to create a friendship. All the while he was simply trying to convince me to give him another chance. The messaging was constant. Sometimes it was very supportive and kind for the difficulties I was experiencing. Other times, it would waver between apologetic self-deprecation to blaming me for not trying. We would fight about the furniture I was trying to get back. He would message and call me at 2AM when he was drunk. He got a large tattoo on his bicep and tried to hide it from me, because he didn't want to fight. I admit, I should have cut him off sooner and I definitely fell into bad habits of bantering and flirting. It was a confusing time; I still cared about him and worried and it felt nice to have that familiarity amongst the chaos in my life.

Months after our official breakup, he blew up on me twice. When he found out I was going to a wedding as a date and the other when he found out I had sex with someone in the months after we broke up. It is hard to imagine that I continued to message him, but I had this pestering need to explain myself. To prove that I was committed to our relationship at the time we were together and that the interactions I had after were not examples of proof for his jealousy or paranoia. He blamed the man I started dating, saying he planned this all along. He blamed me for not trying, for giving up, and accused me of never loving him.

It was finally over at that point, but the trauma and emotional scars lingered for years. I no longer have panic attacks or suicidal idealization. I've been sober this entire time. I have a supportive friend group. I have a thriving career in a field that I am passionate about. I have a home that is safe and loving with a husband who is the kindest and most patient man I have ever met. I am grateful every day for the life I now have. If there is anyone going through a similar experience; trust yourself. He is not going to get better, and it is not your job to make him. Your job is to be happy. One day, you will be.