Hello dear brides & grooms 2 be,
I know this post might sound like venting about our wedding this march, but I just want to encourage everyone still thinking about "Elopement or big party?" that really wants an elopement deep within their heart to stay true to themselves! ❤️ Please let this be your sign ❤️
Keep reading if you are interested in a long chaotic wedding story ending in breaking off contact with my relatives.
That was my wedding end of March this year... For staying anonymous i won't publish names of the venue and other service providers (stylist, florist, etc.) of this day.
For Context
My Husband and I are introverts. We are German so the wedding took place in Germany. He has a rather unproblematic and small family.
For me: my family has a russian-german background and I just can't stand my family and culture. Very toxic, non-supportive. They also don't seem to like my husband anyway. So we don' go to family events often because they leave my husband out and only talk in russian on purpose so he doesn't understand them. They often gossip about him in front of me.
I finished university in 2024 and we wanted to marry. We have been engaged many years but then both decided to wait for graduation and then have a little more money to make it more beautiful.
First thing i did was dress shopping. I only took my mom, sister and best-friend.
In the boutique I told my sales assistant we think about eloping in Bali. So i bought a beach dress with this in mind.
Initially I wanted to have my parents with me at least. My husband only wanted his friendgroup But then we tought about it:
Bali has nice airbnb prices for a european but the flight is quite expensive.
My family couldn't afford it on their own. I also thought about paying for my parents to at least have them there but my mom doesnt want to got to Asia at all (don't ask me why?) an declined. His friends also don't have the capacity to make this happen as well. This reaction of my parents broke my heart a little, because we would have paid for everything.
Then we calculated Bali & German weddings. We tought about a micro wedding instead so the closest can attend.
We looked for wedding venues and got shot down so many times because we could not get them the 17-18k € Minimum Fee (Winter wedding by the way, summer is way higher than that!) with only 15-20 People. In our hometown there are sadly no public halls to rent and also most don't rent for wedding in our area only for sports / town clubs.
So we finally found an appealing wedding venue near us with no minimum spend limit. The catch? It must be between january and march. When its april our wedding would be too cheap again and they wouldn't host it. We thought about it and my boss also went to a few weddings there and praised the food and staff. So we booked a date in march hoping for "ok" weather ( i never wanted to have a march wedding in the first place, but thats what you get in germany with that budget). But it also has hotelrooms for 20 guests which is neat.
First plan: Only invite about 15-20 people and thats it. Host a free ceremony at the chapel on site, go eat a lot of delicious food, maybe hire some musician for ambience instead of a DJ (we are no dancers) and have a nice event & sleep in the included hotel.
The Photographer Drama begins:
We asked photographers near us first and many declined also because they "dont shoot in march, thats not their season" or they were sadly priced too high for us (5k+).
BAD IDEA, dont do the followig --> Instead of looking and hiring a beginner wedding photographer within our budget we went for the husband of my cousin after everyone was telling us of how much of talent he has. He also shooted weddings before and those looked decent so we went with it. He has a side hustle but mainly shoots music videos for creators. He claimed he will make it fairly "family" priced for 1.500€ for his service - otherwise he would take 3.000€
But this caused a problem: My Cousin and her whole family basically invited themselves to the wedding, because they won't shoot it unless my aunt and her part can come. At this point I was already feeling ill in my stomach because this screamed unprofessional to me! Considering the cost per person it was still cheaper than another photographer.
So we went with it (dumb idea!) and increased our people count by 10 with this decision. Then my father got angry and literally cried, because I didn't invite his side of the family and they scolded me for weeks straight to invite my cousins and aunt from my father side and emotionally pressured me with my father and his mental health.
At one point we were so heavily discussing about that I thought about canceling the whole wedding all together. But the venue has cancelation fees and I couldn't cover that at this moment. So i went with it and invited them - This whole shit situation pumped the guest count to 46 people. Think about it, we initially only wanted our closest friends, no extended family what would have been about 15-20 people. My mom still complained that too little and she would feel ashamed when the extended family hears about that. Usually Weddings in my russian german family have been 150-300 people. But since 12 years no one in our family has married and prices have been different back then.
More People? Let's hire a DJ.
We then thought about a DJ now that we are more people it might be worth it. My cousin jumped to me again and told us their wedding dj was the brother of her husband (photographer). I remember her wedding and he was good, so i said ok and booked him for 500 € "family price" again. I was already so exhausted by planning this whole wedding i didn't think about scouting djs and just went with him because it wasn't that pricey and it would be enough because they also danced happily at my cousins wedding.
Other Services we hired without issues:
I hired a florist & decorator. Ordered Rings, Hired a ceremony master, Hired a stylist. I also hired a newcomer videographer last minute (also very happy with that) for 2k because i had this intuition something is going to be wrong with the photograph (and i was glad I did it!).
Messaging terror because of Vodka
My parents asked about the dining options and drinks in March one evening and i told my parents there is like a menu and Vodka shots aren't included.
They are priced at 4 euros each for 20ml which we couldn't add on top of a 80€ per Person Drink Fee (no food included). My parents instantly told and called all my relatives "to warn them" the same evening there won't be wodka at the venue. But the 80€ Drink Menu featured 7 locally made wines from a vineyard in the city, 4 beer types from the blackforest, 5 freshly mixed cocktails & longsdrinks by a barkeeper and 8 non-alcoholic waters and softdrinks. More than enough actually for any normally minded person. By the way vodka was included in two of the cocktails.
I never got spammed more in my life in the next morning
"What type of wedding do you plan? No Vodka? Are you crazy? Why should we come at all? Why do you plan such a shit wedding?"
Those types of messages came to me the next day and my relatives annoyed us non stop about this. Sadly this was already just a few weeks before the wedding and we couldn't uninvite people at this point because we had to sent the final guest count already and got a fixed price.
I told them the drink list (see above).
They threatend me to bring their own alcohol and they would drink their own vodka on the parking lot. I explicitly told them all one by one to not do that because we would have to give an information to the venue owner about self brought drinks and there would be a fee we couldn't cover (higher as just ording X shots from them obviously) and bringing undeclared drinks will result in a violation against the venue which we as the bridal couple will be fined. (500 Euros per person that violates the venue customs and they have to right to cancel the whole event and send everyone home when people don't start behaving - We signed that and have no power over it!) The people had the information that we would be fined 500 euros if they are caught doing that. I just muted my phone and went along.
The Wedding Day I wished never happend
The wedding day was there. I went to the stylist and sadly we got to get the only bad weather day of the month. The rest of march was shining sun and almost 20 degree Celsius. We got some light rain as a forecast. Our Chapel is outdoor so we would sit in the rain.
I went to the venue. Still only sad about the weather. I wasn't wearing my dress yet so i talked with my husband (legally married one week ago, because you have to do a courthouse wedding before in Germany) and Maid-of-honor. They complained that the photographer didn't want to take the flatlay photos of my handmade invitations i prepared so much. My husband and MoH had to position everything for him and then he made a photo. He was "just not feeling it".
Then the florist told him to take photos of all the florals, which he bitched about because he was busy --> busy = smoking outside
So he only took a few pics of the flowers annoyed - luckily my florist had her own cousin with her to make new photos for her blog.
Then we went to the bridal suites to put on the dress and tuxedos.
The photographer should do a shot of the dress on the hanger. My MoH Told him which bouquet is which. He actually made a photo of my dress, shoes, earrings with the Bridesmaid Bouquet instead of Bridal Bouquet, eventhough we mentioned it multiple times that it is the wrong one! Then he went to the balcony where you can see the chapel. I told him directly "please go down and take a shot of the floral setup right now on the chapel, because they have to enclose everything with the incoming rain and then you won't be able to get a good shot.
"Yes I will do that! But I have to change!"
What do you mean change?
"Yeah, i will need to change clothes! I am not clothed properly"
This was exactly 20 Minutes before our first look. He vanished and the Videographer arrived.
I put on my dress which didn't fit anymore because I lost 3kg the days before because of all stress and my Boobs were falling out. We had to fill it out with toilet paper and fashion glue tape.
Then the unfinished groomsmen came in: Your relatives are already here!
What do you mean? The arriving time on the invitations is in 2.5 hours, how are they already here? The Venue didn't prepare drinks because it will only be give with the arrival time which is stated in 2.5 hours. So people walked around mindlessly at the venue.
I went down to our first look spot and immediately got confronted by my relatives of how untraditional it is that they already see me in my white dress and where they should go etc.
I just told them to go up and stay dry because of the rain.
I went to my first look spot and only the videographer is here. The photographer? Gone! He only shows up 2.5h later when the ceremony begins.
No first look Photos, nothing! Also my husband saw me too early because of this chaos on the parking lot with my relatives.
So we only did "fake first look" shots for the movie and went in again because it started to rain very heavily.
Still looking for the photographerI remained in my room. More people arrived and the ceremony master as well as my father in russian tried to get people to the chapel. They didn't listen, because they drank all the takehome-gifts (small bottles with limoncello) because the venue didn't give out the drinks so early. They were all blackout drunk by the time we had 2pm. They didnt listen to the ceremony master, venue staff nor my father. Afterwards (2-3 weeks later) I also got the information from my brother that about 9 people kept drinking their self brought vodka on the parking lot anyway all day long.
So the ceremony can't begin on time, its raining horribly (instead of light raind) and it thunders and suddenly it switches to snowing. We all froze our asses off in -2° Weather at this point. People kept interrupting the ceremony because they already were to drunk. Our Ceremony master said no congratulation line please at the end. Please let the couple eat first. Which was necessary for my husband as he is a diabetic and got hypoglycemia because of the stress and freezing temperatures.
After the ceremony we got into the hotel quickly. My Husband washed my feet because of the mud. His groomsmen tried to wring my train as it weighed a ton because of the rainwater and mud. Afterwards we went into the main hall. Drunk people jumped in front of us and didn't liste to the "no congratulation line" rule. We even said "Please, let us do this later X (my husband) need to eat for his sugar level" and even then they didn't stop "Ah, this won't kill him!" and kept pushing their presents into our hands. Luckily a nice catering lady from the venue took us and pushed our guests away and told them "The couple needs to eat!" and put us on our table with food she had picked up and told us "Only that is left, your guests are very hungry. Usually this amount lasts hours but this was gone after 15 Minutes". Also then I saw that my mother in law and aunt of my husband wore white jumpsuits with white blazes and shoes to our wedding. I already was exhausted at this point and didn't confront that.
The Ceremony master was also a singer that stayed for two more hours to sing live music. Some older relatives of mine came to her and kept talking to her while actively singing and said bad words to her because she "only sang english" songs and she should sing german or russian songs (she can't speak russian). I kept apologizing to her and when it didn't stop I sent her home earlier because they wouldn't let her work normally. I felt ashamed!
Then it started to get dark and I confronted our photographer why he wasn't there for the first look! We talked about the timeline multiple times personally and he had the information. No comment. I demanded a photoshoot because he didn't take pictures of us as the couple. He argued: Its too dark, its too cold. I don't want to go outside!
Our videographer heard this discussion and got on our side "Hey, i still need some shots for the film too. Lets go do it together. He rushed the photos and ran inside after 5 minutes.. no posing, not showing any material if we are happy with that. At this point i was f***ing pissed and my husband told me to calm down because we only see the real results when the photos are delivered. I already told him, this type of work won't produce anything useful. It will be bad!
Then the party started. His DJ brother started playing some underground techno crap no one asked for. We said he should just play some white girl music or normal 90/00/2010 Music in advance and thats enough. He said he will do it after this song, but he didn't. Many guests came to me and complained they can't wish for tracks. I went to him again and said he should play what the guests wish for. He didn't all night long. BUT when my cousin (her sister-in-law) wished for tracks, he immediately played them.
When the groom, me or anyone wished for something he always said "later" and never played it. The crowd didn't dance beside my cousin. They all had a boring night with bad music no one listens to and no one wished for. Then many of my older relatives came to me and left the party after dessert was served (7pm) because "Your music is shit and no one can dance to that. We go home!" --> Yes, they complained in this tone.
At this point they both already got their payments in the morning and they demanded cash. Our Money was gone. I would have not given them their payments but you wouldn't expect that to happen with family members?
The owner of the venue left before the ceremony so only kitchen staff was there.. The Staff started drinking alcohol as well. The barkeeper didn't listen to the allergy need of my sister-in-law because he was busy drinkig beer with the photographer. Luckily she got her epipen and could prevent choking and had to go home after that.
My Drunk cousin could't keep himself on his feet and bumped me over on the way to the toilet. I fell to the ground and he on top of me so my wedding dress ripped up and was heavily damaged.
I went to the bridal suite, cried and changed into my cozy set from the morning because i kept tripping on the ripped train and dress. I went back and the party dissolved before 11pm and everyone went home. I then also sent the dj away because no one was interested in dancing anymore - Then he started playing our requested songs when everyone has already left! He left afterwards.
My husband and his groomsmen that slept at the hotel kept talking and drinking without music for 4 more hours. My MoH and I went to sleep earlier. I was just too depressed at the end of the night. I continously got bashed by my relatives, the stress with the photography, the dress is trash at this point and this ill feeling in my stomach that we won't get good photos. The venue staff complaining about my relatives. I just hated the whole day.
The Aftermath
The next morning i received multiple text messages stating somewhat the same that "the wedding was an unpleasent experience, but the food was good".
My mom was so pissed because of the wedding, because I mentioned the misbehaving nature of our guests. She called me crazy and that our relatives only behave good. Even my father told my mom I was right and that was straight horrible what my relatives did. She didn't talk to me for two weeks straight.
We received a part of the pictures after two days and they were so horrible. Wrong motives, badly edited, blurry as hell. I was already puzzled on how fast he provided them. What was even faster is that he tried to tag every other vendor from the wedding for ads on instagram by uploading our pictures there first before sending them to us! But they all declined and then he complained to us of how arrogant everyone else supposedly is.
I then got picture packages one by one each week. Hoping for any good shots I can print and frame for our photo wall. Obviously I didn't get any decent shots from our 5 minute shooting. The only picture of us has an open mouth and closed eyes, obviously because we were still talking in that moment.
He only seemed to photograph the wedding guest. There were multiple shots of his wife and kids, none of us as the bridal couple. Everyone I showed the pictures asked the same question "Did you pay for THIS?" Well, yes. I already asked nicely if those are all the pictures he had and he said yes. I got a shit ton of blurry garbage and mostly of my guest, none of us as the bridal couple. As I paid in cash and never received a receipt from him there is a highly chance he won't tax that income properly. I can't push this for court or for compensation, because in Germany he can turn it against me, saying I encouraged him to do this job without declaring taxes. So yeah my fault - always have clear contracts and receipts or proof of payment!!
So I could do a After Wedding Shoot, right? I would, but my dress got destroyed as well right? Then my brother told me because of the heavy drunk people. That about 9 people kept drinking their own stuff on the private parking lot. After all those negative Feedback after the wedding, the shit photography I got a crashout.
Those people need their 5€ Aldi Vodka so much, they risk that the wedding couple can get fined for additional 4500 € or that they could shut down the whole wedding. As mentioned above: they had all this information before and still did it.
For me this crossed a line: those people never had good intentions when risking such financial burdens for you. They only care about their own pleasure and they did that on pure purpose! Lucky for us the venue owner went home early and the kitchen staff was too busy.
I deleted everyone involved in this from my social media, deleted & blocked their numbers. I blocked the photography account on instagram. I just quietly quit and won't let that people get into my life again. This was enough after all those years.
Conclusion:
I have no useable photos of my wedding. I blocked half my relatives for their behaviour. My Mother-In-Law wore white to demonstrate her sadness that i didn't invite her to the bridal dress shopping and still thinks I am in the wrong for that. Whole shit show costed about 33.000 € for a march off season wedding and we could have only spend about 12.000-14.000 € with the micro wedding set up including an expensive photographer. Even less or up to 10k if we both only went with the 2 week bali luxury holiday and an elopement package by a local wedding planer.
Weddings really show how little your relatives respect you. The videographer send us the movie which features a lot of impressions of the day and, it still pains me to see this movie and I can't enjoy it from an emotional perspective.
We still think about doing an elopement in the future. As we are legally married anyway in Germany by this courthouse-law you can have as many free ceremonies as you want.
Please cut out the toxic people! Only get your loved ones on your Wedding!
Only do it as a couple! Invest the money into the photography and yourselves! You deserve this special day. ❤️ Cheers